I have been married for 11 years and 10 years ago I had an affair. My husband knew about the affair but never admitted it so we moved on. I on the other hand fell in love and never fell out of love with OM. Fast forward 10 years... I finally decide to get a divorce, husband and I never reconnected. I have met someone else and I have plans to be with him once my divorce is final in a year. The problems are that he is married too and I think he's lying to me about leaving his wife. I am deeply in love with him and he with me, but some things just aren't adding up. To complicate things even more OM from 1st affair has been in contact after 10 years and wants to make a go. We now live 8 hours apart so that is really hard to even contemplate right now. I love them both for different reasons and don't want to hurt anyone else. My husband would still like to work things out, but I know that is not an option for us. So I know I should feel flattered that I have 3 men after my affection but I am losing my mind. I don't know what to do...and I have 3 young children to think about.
Sorry for the ramble, but if you made it through....Any advice?
for your peace of mind – and his and the kids' – exhaust every option to work on your marriage before finally laying it to rest. That way you both can say that you did your best to make it work when your kids ask. Because as harsh as an answer that is, they'll at least know you tried, and that's what counts.
as for the other two guys, why invest in relationships with men who have nothing to offer? One is married, and until he takes care of that situation, he should handled like plutonium. Very, very carefully, if you have to handle it at all. The other guy is what? Married? Available? You don't say, so I'll assume that he's available, but if he wasn't worth it the first time around to honorably leave your marriage, what makes him worthwhile now? Because he's a sure thing? Because you don't want to be lonely? Because you might be able to fan the spark of desire you once had?
your very best bet is to just try existing on your own without a man in the picture. You'd be amazed at how strong of a person you are, and at what kind of crap you've been submitting yourself to in your search for "happiness." It'd also help you in your future relationships because your whole perception would have changed on the kind of relationship you really, really want.
just my two cents ...
__________________ "Walking in the Lord's footsteps, our own lives become a journey of hope." – Pope Benedict XVI
Husband and I have given it all we have and it will not work out.
Married man gives me the emotional support I have been missing and I am keeping my distance as much as possible until he has left his wife and my separation papers are final.
OM from before is single and it didn't work out for various reasons but I have continued to love him all this time. Timing was not or our side but I truly believe that if we are meant to be together that 10 years or even 20 years down the road it will work out.
Husband and I have given it all we have and it will not work out.
Married man gives me the emotional support I have been missing and I am keeping my distance as much as possible until he has left his wife and my separation papers are final.
OM from before is single and it didn't work out for various reasons but I have continued to love him all this time. Timing was not or our side but I truly believe that if we are meant to be together that 10 years or even 20 years down the road it will work out.
Thank you for your replies.
Well, sounds like you've got your mind all made up and everything all worked out. Why ask here for advice ?
I have been married for 11 years and 10 years ago I had an affair. My husband knew about the affair but never admitted it so we moved on. I on the other hand fell in love and never fell out of love with OM. Fast forward 10 years... I finally decide to get a divorce, husband and I never reconnected. I have met someone else and I have plans to be with him once my divorce is final in a year. The problems are that he is married too and I think he's lying to me about leaving his wife. I am deeply in love with him and he with me, but some things just aren't adding up. To complicate things even more OM from 1st affair has been in contact after 10 years and wants to make a go. We now live 8 hours apart so that is really hard to even contemplate right now. I love them both for different reasons and don't want to hurt anyone else. My husband would still like to work things out, but I know that is not an option for us. So I know I should feel flattered that I have 3 men after my affection but I am losing my mind. I don't know what to do...and I have 3 young children to think about.
Sorry for the ramble, but if you made it through....Any advice?
Sounds like it doesnt matter WHO the OM is for you as long as there is one.
Having said that, I think you should divorce anyway and not worry about a fallback man. You need to do right by your husband and set him free. And do right by him with regards to the divorce and custody.
Husband and I have given it all we have and it will not work out.
Frankly, you haven't done all you can because you are inappropriately involved - at whatever level - with TWO other men.
Quote:
Married man gives me the emotional support I have been missing and I am keeping my distance as much as possible until he has left his wife and my separation papers are final.
Giving you emotional support from a distance is easy for him because he doesn't have to help you clean up after your kids, do laundry, wash their dishes... What does he "get" from you for this emotional support?
Quote:
OM from before is single and it didn't work out for various reasons but I have continued to love him all this time. Timing was not or our side but I truly believe that if we are meant to be together that 10 years or even 20 years down the road it will work out.
Does it count much 2 you that he's a loser? Regardless of how you "feel" about him, he's not a person of high integrity, or he wouldn't have gotten involved with a married woman - either then or now.
I would suggest that you first consider IC [individual counseling] to find out why after only year of marriage, you chose to cheat on your STBXH and why you would knowingly chose to become a willing participant in the destruction of another marriage?
The men you chose to get involved with have issues that make them unsuitable for a long term committed relationship but so do you.
__________________ "If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"
Things have slightly changed. I have cut off all contact with the guy from the first affair and I am focusing on the other guy. We are in contact daily and he is currently separated from his wife. Yes it's difficult from a distance, but in reality that is probably a good thing until we can get our lives straightened out with our STBXs. I am looking at IC for myself right now to find out what I am seeking and who I really am.
He SAYS he's seperated from his wife. From a distance, there's no way for you to know that this is true. You've already suspected him of lying...its just as easy to lie about this from a distance as well.
Why not do as another poster suggested...take a break on relationships for a while?
Why are you rushing from one to another...when you're not even divorced yet yourself???
Get your D...THEN consider seeking a relationship. Perhaps by then, you're long distance fellow will have divorced and actually be available to be with you for real.
Anything less than this is just setting yourself up for another unsuccessful, unhappy relationship.
__________________
Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
I just hope the poster of this Thread isn't still using her husband as the fallback guy, I feel for him, he should never been cheated on in the first place!
__________________ -You don't know the Power of the Dark side! - I find your lack of faith disturbing! -The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force! - Darth Vader
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
?
Linear Mode
