Summary:
My mom and two older sisters are close, I am as of right now the outcast. They make plans to all hang out and don't include me, even when I told them this hurts my feelings. My mom never calls me then get's mad when I don't call her and claims that is the reason she does not call me. Details, in link above.
New issue:
Name Made up to assit here:
Brother - Jim
Brothers Friend - Steve
Brothers Friend's GF - Lisa
I have a twin brother - Jim, our birthday's are tomorrow (we turn 26). My mom told me she was not going to do anything for our birthdays because she does not have the money.
No biggie. I was hoping to go to lunch Sunday, but I had not asked anyone yet.
So my oldest sister called (today) to let me know that I am invited to my brother's (Jim) and his friend's Steve birthday this Sunday, being given by Lisa. Lisa went to my mom's work yesterday and said since Jim and Steve have birthday's around the same time, she was throwing them both a birthday bash.
So my sister called to let me know that I was invited but not to expect anything because they were not the ones planning this party (Lisa is) and the cake (she specifically mentioned) would only have my brothers and Steve's name on it. She basically said this, so I can't get mad at them because my brother is having a birthyday party and not me (even though our whole family will be there).
This is always the excuse when I am not invited. i.e. 1. they went to the show, I was not invited because their friend called and invited them (mom, both sisters and kids). 2. They went to the beach two weeks ago, I was not invited because it was a birthday party for their friend (same snow person).
So Sunday I am expected to attend my twin brothers birthday party. It would have been nice of my mom to at least ask if she could do something for me since Jim and I share the same b-day. Also, I am pissed that my mom did not call me to invite me (why...because SHE NEVER CALLS ME). Even last week I told hmy mom that it's not fair that she makes me responsible for the success of our relationship and I admitly explained that a phone works two ways. But alas, she could not even call to invite me to this party, and today is her day off.
Any thoughts? If you think I am being a baby, I understand.
I think that you have so much on your plate right now, why take on anything else?
I really feel for you right now--so many issues in your life that don't look like they will be resolved anytime soon.
I am not trying to make light out of your birthday situation, but your house, husband, and your job must occupy most of your waking thoughts.
How about doing something special with anyone else than your mother and sisters? Go someplace special with your husband. You would be able to remember a wonderful day instead of being angry.
Someday, you will have to face the hard fact that your family will never be want you want or need them to be. These issues will continue until you find a way to reconcile how you want them to be and who they actually are.
I'm getting the vibe that you're a female. I see no mention of your dad. Were you close with him? Were you and your brother expected to both be boys? Did they know you would be twins before hand?
I do have other issues that seem/should be important. But my H and I have a stong bond, my job is just a job and my house (well it's just money) so I guess to me the family issue is the most important. However, it's beating a dead horse, they won't change and I can only changet the way I respond to them. At first I was more upset then I think I should have been. I just have to accept like you said, that my family will always be dysfunctional.
(To Sunny Also) My friend is have me and my H over with some friends and their guests who are also having b-days in April and we are having a nice dinner party (Friday). My dad already took me to dinner (with his wife and my H), Saturday I am getting a tattoo so I won't be doing much afterwards. Sunday, I think my H, me and his brothers will go to lunch or dinner (his brother said he would get me a cake and I think 27 Dresses on DVD) so Sunday sounds like a nice relaxing day (if I don't go to the beach).
Sally, yes, I am a female. My dad is around, we are in fact the closest. I am daddy's little girl and yes, there is competition between my brother and me (or was when we were little) for my dad's affection. My mom fuel this with my brother who has now not had a relationship with my dad in about 11 years. My other two siste's don't really talk to him, again fueled by my mom who talks trash about my dad. I don't believe any of it.
2Sunny (directly), yeah, I don't want to waste energy on this, looking at it all now, I am realizing it's not worth it, I just need to change my routine/response. I have to think about the party, I mean my brother did not do anything wrong and it is a celebration for him.
I do have other issues that seem/should be important. But my H and I have a stong bond, my job is just a job and my house (well it's just money) so I guess to me the family issue is the most important. However, it's beating a dead horse, they won't change and I can only changet the way I respond to them. At first I was more upset then I think I should have been. I just have to accept like you said, that my family will always be dysfunctional.
(To Sunny Also) My friend is have me and my H over with some friends and their guests who are also having b-days in April and we are having a nice dinner party (Friday). My dad already took me to dinner (with his wife and my H), Saturday I am getting a tattoo so I won't be doing much afterwards. Sunday, I think my H, me and his brothers will go to lunch or dinner (his brother said he would get me a cake and I think 27 Dresses on DVD) so Sunday sounds like a nice relaxing day (if I don't go to the beach).
Sally, yes, I am a female. My dad is around, we are in fact the closest. I am daddy's little girl and yes, there is competition between my brother and me (or was when we were little) for my dad's affection. My mom fuel this with my brother who has now not had a relationship with my dad in about 11 years. My other two siste's don't really talk to him, again fueled by my mom who talks trash about my dad. I don't believe any of it.
2Sunny (directly), yeah, I don't want to waste energy on this, looking at it all now, I am realizing it's not worth it, I just need to change my routine/response. I have to think about the party, I mean my brother did not do anything wrong and it is a celebration for him.
Thanks all, I have a lot of thinking to do.
Well I think the message here is clear.....if you want cake and days at the beach you gotta hate on your dad and believe everything your mom says about him. If he is so bad, why is she still with him?
They are not together. My mom is on her third marriage and my dad just remarried a little over a year ago. My parents have been divorced for 20 years. She has always hated on him, although they get along when they must.
They are not together. My mom is on her third marriage and my dad just remarried a little over a year ago. My parents have been divorced for 20 years. She has always hated on him, although they get along when they must.
Sorry I read the link you attached to your first post and mistook them being at the same party for still being together.
I should add, my siblings don't like my dad because he had custody of us (took custody from my mom about a year or less after they seperated). My dad was strict, not unreasonably so. My sisters did not like this and left when they were around 14 and 12 to live with my mom (my brother when he was 12). My mom acts more like a friend then a mother figure (role model). I stayed with my dad until my senior year of highschool (I moved out because his live in at the time GF was crazy - only woman to move in with him while I was at home and other then his now wife).
While that all went down, I still chose to have a relationship with my dad and to remain close to him, he has since mended his ways for what happened back then (more or less learned from some mistakes). Overall he was/is a good dad, he gave me good direction and tools I needed to become a good (socially, morally, financially) adult.
I should add, my siblings don't like my dad because he had custody of us (took custody from my mom about a year or less after they seperated). My dad was strict, not unreasonably so. My sisters did not like this and left when they were around 14 and 12 to live with my mom (my brother when he was 12). My mom acts more like a friend then a mother figure (role model). I stayed with my dad until my senior year of highschool (I moved out because his live in at the time GF was crazy - only woman to move in with him while I was at home and other then his now wife).
While that all went down, I still chose to have a relationship with my dad and to remain close to him, he has since mended his ways for what happened back then (more or less learned from some mistakes). Overall he was/is a good dad, he gave me good direction and tools I needed to become a good (socially, morally, financially) adult.
And your family is looking at it like YOU drew a line in the sand out of jealousy.
Do you mean I drew the line because I am jealous of them, or they are jealous of me?
I think in their eyes, you are a surrogate, and a target, for their displeasure with your dad, since you maintained a good relationship with him. "You're either with us, or you're against us."
Or their ambivalence toward you could reflect a different displaced feeling, jeaousy on their part that you maintained a relationship with your father that they feel missing in their own lives, yet your mother made them pick a side, so they resent what you were able to maintain with him, as they ache due to the hole that they can't - or won't - repair.
I hate, hate, hate when parents who split involve their children in their dysfunction - whether by action or inaction - and can't put their conflicts in the background enough to provide a supportive environment for the kids. It sounds like you have come through it somewhat intact as an individual, if maybe a little damaged in terms of your family relationships.
It also sounds like you have some great things planned, surrounded by good friends and family to celebrate your birthday. Good for you. Enjoy being around the people with whom you are connected, and who value their connection with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by redfathom
I have to think about the party, I mean my brother did not do anything wrong and it is a celebration for him.
A good example of being able to think clearly about the world and graciously about the people around you, in spite of your hurt feelings. If only this empathy for others were a little more common...
__________________ All that is now, All that is gone, All that's to come, and everything under the sun is in tune...
And your family is looking at it like YOU drew a line in the sand out of jealousy.
No they are looking at it that way because they are jealous of you. At least, your siblings are and your mother sees it as a line in the sand and has promoted you that way in their eyes. So now they all look at you like you are on the other side.
I have had something similar happen, but I will get into that in a second.
In this case, your family have no control over the party. This is thrown by a girlfriend of a friend of your brother. This is no malicious attempt to keep you out of it. Unless you are friends with them as well, I see no reason why they would include you in it.
I on the other hand was left out of a party thrown by my family. My birthday is 4 days after my sisters, we always had a party together, but my 16th they threw a party for her and not for me. I was invited, with my (now ex) boyfriend, and had to sit through her presents and birthday cake without so much as a happy birthday from anyone. This was when I really noticed the rift between my "father" and I.
My point is that what my family did was not right. I wasn't even informed of that going to happen so it really hurt me. Your family on the other hand have told you it is out of their control, they let you know beforehand and I really do not think they are doing anything wrong.
__________________
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
Darlin Coco, while I know this b-day bash is out of their control. They could have made lunch or dinner plans for me since they will all be celebrating my twin's b-day at the beach and I will merely be a particpate. I am not upset with my brother or anything. But I do think my family was being malicous and this is just something they do, it's a game to them. My mom should have called and made an offer to do lunch or dinner with me. But she did not even call me.
What your family did was wrong, and while my family told me unlike your's it was passive aggresive and still not right.
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If he is so bad, why is she still with him?
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