A little background: my parents were brought up in very conservative and traditional eastern homes. They're both very devout and religious Christians as well, in addition to the whole eastern thing.
There are quite a few problems here. One of them is that their mindsets are very, very skewed from the norm... even from the norm here, which is an eastern country. And they believe that their skewed mindsets are right, because the Bible says so, and also because their mindsets are 'slightly' more normal in the conservative, Christian circle which is the only circle they believe is worth mingling with.
Now, traditional oriental is bad enough. Traditional oriental + devout Christian is worse. Take both of those, with the fact that I'm their only child that they tried virtually everything available to them in those times to get... and that pretty much sums up my problems with them now.
I don't really know what to do with their treatment of me, or with the incredibly ridiculous rules they impose on me at the age of 22. I've fought and argued for some that really mattered to me... but I'm wearying of it. And they aren't letting up. For now, because I fought so hard for what really mattered to me, life is bearable with them -- I managed to get them to let me live in the college hostel, and that was the best decision I've ever made in my entire life, I think.
But it's a strenous situation. Should my grades fall (no, passing is not enough for them), should they catch me hanging out with my guy-friends, or, god-forbid, should they catch my bf (or any signs of him left behind) in my hostel room when he's around... I can kiss that small mercy goodbye.
Yet... I don't want to just turn everything on them and say '**** you', despite how tempting it's been at times. Firstly, I AM dependent on them for my living and my studies -- in this country, it is very very difficult for a non-graduate to even support themselves.. and impossible to be able to pay their own tuition fees. Part time jobs here pay 3-4 bucks an hour, tuition fees are at least several thousand a term, rent alone is 400, etc. Also, they're old, and they really do love me a lot -- too much, actually. I keep telling myself, 2 more years, and then I can graduate (and marry, hopefully), move far away, and keep the relationship decent while breaking free of the intolerable constraints. Just a little bit more, and I can know at least that they'll die happy (Eastern mindset, pardon me).
Still, if any of the above situations occur, and they do make me move back home, I wouldn't be able to take it. I really wouldn't. I don't know how to deal with it. It is imminent -- the threats are getting strong.
Kids and parents... there is always going to be a struggle in this relationship.
First of all, you have to understand that parents do use a child's success and achievements as measurement of their own success. Of course, a parent would like to ensure the child's success and tries to be as involved as possible to ensure this does in fact happen. However, many lose sight of the idea that an even greater measure of success is that they raised a child and gave her the tools to make those achievements independantly.
Do try to understand the "parent mindset".
But, you are an adult now. You have the ability to make any of these decisions on your own, and learn from the success of failure of your actions. If independence is what you need, you must take it. It is hard to set your child free. It will cause arguments, but they won't hate you. They won't disown you because you stand up and tell them "I can do this myself."
Your situation is a little complicated by the financial support you receive... I would argue that to fully develop as an adult, you need to develop not only your education, but also your social skills. This does not mean you will be negligent in your studies. Ask them to back off - they are causing undue stress. Ask for some privacy and the right to experience this very short time in your life. If your marks do fall below an acceptable level, then you can cut back on the socializing, and go in prepared to answer what an 'acceptable level' is. They raised you - now ask them to trust you.
If they do grant you some freedom though, you cannot let down your end of the bargain though... you should give a strong and honest effort in your education because it is someone elses investment in addition to your time. But even the hardest workers take a well earned break every now and then.
A little background: my parents were brought up in very conservative and traditional eastern homes. They're both very devout and religious Christians as well, in addition to the whole eastern thing.
There are quite a few problems here. One of them is that their mindsets are very, very skewed from the norm... even from the norm here, which is an eastern country. And they believe that their skewed mindsets are right, because the Bible says so, and also because their mindsets are 'slightly' more normal in the conservative, Christian circle which is the only circle they believe is worth mingling with.
Now, traditional oriental is bad enough. Traditional oriental + devout Christian is worse. Take both of those, with the fact that I'm their only child that they tried virtually everything available to them in those times to get... and that pretty much sums up my problems with them now.
I don't really know what to do with their treatment of me, or with the incredibly ridiculous rules they impose on me at the age of 22. I've fought and argued for some that really mattered to me... but I'm wearying of it. And they aren't letting up. For now, because I fought so hard for what really mattered to me, life is bearable with them -- I managed to get them to let me live in the college hostel, and that was the best decision I've ever made in my entire life, I think.
But it's a strenous situation. Should my grades fall (no, passing is not enough for them), should they catch me hanging out with my guy-friends, or, god-forbid, should they catch my bf (or any signs of him left behind) in my hostel room when he's around... I can kiss that small mercy goodbye.
Yet... I don't want to just turn everything on them and say '**** you', despite how tempting it's been at times. Firstly, I AM dependent on them for my living and my studies -- in this country, it is very very difficult for a non-graduate to even support themselves.. and impossible to be able to pay their own tuition fees. Part time jobs here pay 3-4 bucks an hour, tuition fees are at least several thousand a term, rent alone is 400, etc. Also, they're old, and they really do love me a lot -- too much, actually. I keep telling myself, 2 more years, and then I can graduate (and marry, hopefully), move far away, and keep the relationship decent while breaking free of the intolerable constraints. Just a little bit more, and I can know at least that they'll die happy (Eastern mindset, pardon me).
Still, if any of the above situations occur, and they do make me move back home, I wouldn't be able to take it. I really wouldn't. I don't know how to deal with it. It is imminent -- the threats are getting strong.
Your situation is hard but you know it isn't going to be the rest of your life. My main concern for you is that without having learned to take control of your life from your parents, you want to get married asap once you graduate. You will find the same troubles in your marriage because you will still be use to that pattern. Please don't look at marriage as an escape from your parents. And please, for your sake and your future, learn to stand alone first before you marry.
The answer I'm really seeking is.. how do I 'take' independence? 'Take' control? You can only take what is also given... otherwise it's called snatching by force. I don't want to snatch by force... like I said, I really want to maintain a decent relationship with them. The guilt would weigh me down to no end if our relationship went sour due to my asserting independence. But they just won't listen to reason.
I CAN stand by myself. The problem is that they won't let me. The marriage thing would help, yes, but I certainly wouldn't do it if the guy or my relationship with him was not already suitable for marriage, just for the sake of breaking free. It was more of a rant thing.
The answer I'm really seeking is.. how do I 'take' independence? 'Take' control? You can only take what is also given... otherwise it's called snatching by force. I don't want to snatch by force... like I said, I really want to maintain a decent relationship with them. The guilt would weigh me down to no end if our relationship went sour due to my asserting independence. But they just won't listen to reason.
I CAN stand by myself. The problem is that they won't let me. The marriage thing would help, yes, but I certainly wouldn't do it if the guy or my relationship with him was not already suitable for marriage, just for the sake of breaking free. It was more of a rant thing.
Control of your life is something that already is your's, but that fact is one of the hardest ones to realize. You think of it as something you would need to steal, when if fact, it is something that belongs to you and they are with holding from you. Consider it your birthright; something that is your's for no reason other than you exist. They've never given you the freedom to think of anything in this way so it doesn't surprise me that you feel it is something that must be given to you. Everything you have, you feel was given to you and by and large, given to you by them. Yes they pay for your education and room, but did they give you the knowledge you gained through your studies? Hardly, I've seen many kids get their way paid only to flunk out for lack of effort. You own that effort.
The only way to show controlling parents that you are your own person with every right to pursue your own interests is to not only not need their help, but to refuse it. It takes the seat of power out of their hands and puts in into your's. After that, if they truly value a relationship with you, they have to treat you with more respect and consideration. It is hard for a parent to adjust to seeing their child as more of a peer, so that might be asking a bit much from them when you factor in their views. Waiting this out and then getting yourself into a more self reliant situation is what you need to focus on right now. After that you have to stand up for yourself but not cut them out of your life. Your last show of respect to them should be that you played by their rules as long as you needed to and once you no longer needed you formed your own rules while still wishing to have a relationship with them even if it must be a different kind of one. Doing it this way will at least take the burden of guilt off your shoulders if the relationship you have with your parents becomes strained by you wanting to call your own shots.
I'm afraid you will just have to wait this one out. You've stated the obstacles you face in resolving this immediately (payment for education, affording to support yourself) and it would be a waste to throw away all the hard work you've put into your education by rocking the boat just yet. I know you dig on your social life and boyfriend, but these things will come and go and be found again. The opportunities and resources you have right now might not.
There is a difference between being simply being demanding and demanding what you know you deserve. We are creatures of habit and I see no reason to expect that your parents will one day wake up and change the way they deal with you as a gift. Independence is possibly the ONLY thing a person HAS to take for themselves in life.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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