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This is such a terribly uncomfortable thing to talk about.
My gf has put about 35 lbs. on since I first started dating her. At first she was rather cavalier about it all, then, as she gained more and more weight, she became hysterical and depressed. Not depressed enough to modify her lifestyle though. Finally her weight seems to have stabilized.
Somewhere along the line I lost some of that spark and desire for her. I don't know where it went, or why, but my feelings have been slowly but steadily moving towards something more akin to friendship.
Actually, that's not entirely true, because I still love her a great deal. I'm just not as interested in sex anymore. We all sort of have this idea that sex and desire has to be a big part of love. Maybe it does. I don't know.
I've come to realize that desire and attraction are largely outside of our ability to manipulate. It's probably been a year or a year and a 1/2 now. I had been hoping (and hoping) she might loose the weight and get more fit.
This sounds kind of hopeless, but I'm beginning to think she will just have a really hard time ever achieving a weight that I find sexually attractive. Or that it will just always be a challenge for her. Everyone in her family is either obese or overweight. There are old photos of her, from before I met her, where she is heavier. I seem to have met her at a point in life when, for whatever reason, she had just dropped to a really low weight. She has an aversion to exercise, for the most part, and I honestly think she just may have emotional/food issues. She will eat when she is depressed, or to celebrate something.
The whole thing is complicated by the fact that I'm her polar opposite. I'm very active and fit and a bit of a health freak. I don't think one way is better than the other, it's just a matter of compatibility really.
I firmly believe our society is way to obsessed with weight. I don't think it's right that someone who is a little "overweight", by societies standards, should forever go around feeling bad about themselves. Feeling like there is something they should have to change. I believe in self-acceptance.
So, there is a side of me that thinks it would be crappy for us to stay together. There are guys out there that would find her incredibly attractive, just as she is right now. I wish I could be one of those guys. It would make things easier.
First of all you say you love her and then you say this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by electric_sheep
I firmly believe our society is way to obsessed with weight. I don't think it's right that someone who is a little "overweight", by societies standards, should forever go around feeling bad about themselves. Feeling like there is something they should have to change. I believe in self-acceptance.
So, there is a side of me that thinks it would be crappy for us to stay together. There are guys out there that would find her incredibly attractive, just as she is right now. I wish I could be one of those guys. It would make things easier.
It isn't usual to love someone and then to talk about ditching them. What do you think ditching her because of her weight is going to do to her and her depression..? Wouldn't it be better to try to find a way around it with her....? I think you need to look at what your actual true motivation is. Are you actually just justifying to yourself that you want to dump her..?
You could talk this through with her from the stand-point that your sex-life is non-existent and you're worried about it. How about getting her to do more active things with you..? Maybe go for a walk in the park maybe..? Something like that..? I myself gain weight over the winter months because I hate the cold and rain. Come summer, I'm always outside. So maybe she needs help with motivation and some cool ideas to help her along...?!
I understand where you are coming from because my boyfriend is the same way. He is a health and exercise nut, and I'm not in top shape, but I'm still not overweight. I know that if I gained weight, he would still love me, but he won't find me attractive. He has told me that men are visual creatures, and they need to be atracted to their partners in order to engage in sex. Now, I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and whatever you find attractive may not be for someone else.
People might think you are shallow, but even if you are, you know what you like and what you are atracted to. If you had met her at this weight, and now you were claiming she was too big, you'll be very selfish, but since this was not the case, you cannot be blamed for your visual attribute preference.
Talk to her; be kind; weight gain is a rather touchy subject with must of us; tell her how her weight is affecting your relationship. Offer advice, try physical activities together, try to help her with her eating habits, but if she is not willing to make any changes, then think long and hard if you will ever change and find her attractive at any size. If you don't think you can, then let her be; there are lots of people out there who do not find overweight unatractive, and she could be with someone who thinks she is beautiful the way she is.
I would say that it depends on whether or not the weight she has put on is a health risk.
Depending on her height and build, she can be perfectly healthy even after gaining 30-35 lbs, especially if she has stabilized her weight at a certain level.
I understand that you are less attracted, but unless she is overweight on an unhealthy level, or unhappy with her weight, I think it will be tough to convice her to lose weight.
It would help to know what she weighs now, what her height is, etc.
35lbs is quite alot of weight, but its interesting that you haven't really 'noticed' till now.
By noticed I mean start to acknowledge that it bothers you.
My weight has fluctuated since my BF and I have been together, at my heaviest I was about 148, now I am 140, but not once has my BF said anything- he waits for me to flip out (which happens when I can't get into my fave jeans) and then is supportive and helpful, by cooking healthy stuff when its his turn to cook, coming with me to the gym etc etc.
I think if I gained 35lbs he would definitely say something, esp if our sex life took a nosedive.
I know that you are trying to be PC and all, but the truth is, most of us find weight gain in our partners a little hard to get used to. Some people get used to it and their R doesn't really suffer, others don't. There was a really loooooong thread about a guys whose W had gained weight (10lbs!) and it went back and forth, had a few fights etc, but generally i could see where he was coming from.
However- you need to be very very careful in the way you approach this subject as your GF is almost guaranteed to take offense.
Talking to her is a good start, but I think as Baker says you need to analyse your own feelings to see if you are prepared to stay with her if she doesn't think she needs to take any action.
At what point weight-gain wise did you notice you were losing attraction? 10 pounds? 20?
You know, I wish I had said something sooner. It's such an incredibly touchy issue, and she was really upset about it, so I just clammed up. In retrospect, I don't think I did her or me a favor by keeping my feelings about the matter to myself.
I think it was probably after about 15 lbs. I think if she lost even 15 pounds it would probably really invigorate my desire. I don't think I'm that picky.
The thing is she is 22 years old. Being this out of shape at 22 just doesn't seem like a good sign.
You know, going off subject here for a bit... we actually talked about this the other night for the first time in a long time. It's occurred to me that we both are sort of in denial. Neither one of us have really accepted her new figure. She confessed that she actually tries to suck her gut in during sex. I was dumbfounded, and kind of depressed. Then I realized that I, unconsciously and without even realizing it, probably was contributing to this. When I first met her she had a little belly (a pouch I liked to call it), and it honestly made me sort of hot and I payed a lot of attention to it. Somewhere along the line I stopped worshiping her belly. It's really kind of sad.
I keep second guessing myself, and thinking it may just be the inevitable slump in desire that comes after dating someone for a long time. I really think I'd be fooling myself, though. I feel really bad about it, but I think the weight has a lot to do with it. Sometimes when we have sex I fantasize back to how she looked when I originally met her.
Damn evolution and these frickin genes! I'd like to think attraction was totally just an emotional/intellectual thing.
One more confession... intellectually I like to think I'm really open and non-judgemental. Truth is, sometimes I just think she is kind of lazy. I've always been a tough-ass and a very active person. Someone who pushes myself. Perhaps too much, even. She doesn't share these traits. I wish we were in common. I think sometimes I judge her without even realizing it.
It isn't usual to love someone and then to talk about ditching them. What do you think ditching her because of her weight is going to do to her and her depression..? Wouldn't it be better to try to find a way around it with her....?
I understand why you would think that.
The thing is it's been about a year and a half.
Of course I've tried to motivate her. I mean, the difference between our lifestyles, when it comes to fitness and food, is glaring. I think I've been a great role model. I go running or to the gym 5 or 6 days a week. I work in a cube at the computer all day, so I really look forward to getting off work and getting some exercise.
I've tried to encourage her to change her attitude about fitness and nutrition to more closely match my own, and I think she HAS changed to a certain degree. She stopped gaining weight, at least.
The thing is, there is a fine line between encouraging someone and just nagging them. I mean, she sometimes misinterprets me asking her if she would like to go the gym with me as just another way of saying "I think you need to loose weight".
So, the whole gym/running thing turned into sort of an issue. I would get ready to go (like I do, 5 or 6 days a week), and she would feel crappy about herself. She wouldn't want to go, but she would feel like she should go. Then she would get crabby and in a bad mood and get upset about her weight. This got really annoying because, honestly, I just wanted to go for a run firstly! I mean, if she wants to go, great, but first and foremost let me go, without dumping all this emotional stuff on me!
You see how stress can result, when people don't feel good about themselves. It's almost like I, by being really fit, am a constant reminder to her.
My take on weight is this... there is nothing wrong with trying to loose weight, but if you have tried and tried, and if you havn't lost any, and it's been a year or two, or longer... I mean, at some point a person needs to just accept themselves.
I've had a couple of friends with weight issues, and I've seen them sort of beat themselves up over it continuously for years, and it just kind of makes me sad.
At the same time, I can't change my attitudes or who/what I find attractive either. I just don't know if I am the right person for her, sexually.
This is such a terribly uncomfortable thing to talk about.
My gf has put about 35 lbs. on since I first started dating her. At first she was rather cavalier about it all, then, as she gained more and more weight, she became hysterical and depressed. Not depressed enough to modify her lifestyle though. Finally her weight seems to have stabilized.
Somewhere along the line I lost some of that spark and desire for her. I don't know where it went, or why, but my feelings have been slowly but steadily moving towards something more akin to friendship.
Actually, that's not entirely true, because I still love her a great deal. I'm just not as interested in sex anymore. We all sort of have this idea that sex and desire has to be a big part of love. Maybe it does. I don't know.
I've come to realize that desire and attraction are largely outside of our ability to manipulate. It's probably been a year or a year and a 1/2 now. I had been hoping (and hoping) she might loose the weight and get more fit.
This sounds kind of hopeless, but I'm beginning to think she will just have a really hard time ever achieving a weight that I find sexually attractive. Or that it will just always be a challenge for her. Everyone in her family is either obese or overweight. There are old photos of her, from before I met her, where she is heavier. I seem to have met her at a point in life when, for whatever reason, she had just dropped to a really low weight. She has an aversion to exercise, for the most part, and I honestly think she just may have emotional/food issues. She will eat when she is depressed, or to celebrate something.
The whole thing is complicated by the fact that I'm her polar opposite. I'm very active and fit and a bit of a health freak. I don't think one way is better than the other, it's just a matter of compatibility really.
I firmly believe our society is way to obsessed with weight. I don't think it's right that someone who is a little "overweight", by societies standards, should forever go around feeling bad about themselves. Feeling like there is something they should have to change. I believe in self-acceptance.
So, there is a side of me that thinks it would be crappy for us to stay together. There are guys out there that would find her incredibly attractive, just as she is right now. I wish I could be one of those guys. It would make things easier.
This is the same issue my boyfriend and I have. I am the active, healthfreak, thin one and he is the sweet-eater heavier one. I have never made any comments to him about his weight...I like him for who he is...but he has told me on his own that he wants to eat better and lose weight. I offered to help him...but ultimately it now becomes his decision how it progresses.
You should not dump her just b/c she has gained weight...esp. if you love her...that will only hurt her more...and honestly, that is pretty shallow. Truth of the matter is, not only is fat unpleasant to look at, but it can cause a whole slew of health problems and I would approach it to your gf from that angle...not that you are concerned about her looks, but that you are concerned about her health.
Have you ever mentioned it to her before how you are feeling? Why not try & get her to do something fun with you that is active...and something she will hopefully enjoy doing with you?
__________________
"Laughter is the best medicine."~Patch Adams
Last edited by lovestruck818; 22nd April 2008 at 2:36 PM.
35lbs is quite alot of weight, but its interesting that you haven't really 'noticed' till now.
By noticed I mean start to acknowledge that it bothers you.
I definitely noticed it. It's such a taboo subject, and she, like you, was always flipping out about it. To the point of tears even. I didn't think me telling her I didn't find it attractive would help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sb129
Talking to her is a good start, but I think as Baker says you need to analyse your own feelings to see if you are prepared to stay with her if she doesn't think she needs to take any action.
Yeap. She isn't happy about the weight, there is no doubt about that.
Not being happy about it and being ready and able to do something about it are 2 totally different things. Then, actually successfully doing something about it is yet another thing.
It sucks, because in so many ways we are so right for each other (which is why I've waited a year 1/2 to see what would happen). Hell, I'm staying with her still, even though our sex life has suffered, just cause I like being with her so much. The thing is... my feelings have been slowly gravitating more towards what I associate with friendship. It's just odd, being in a romantic relationship, but not feeling an intense spark. This is a first for me.
One thing I've discovered about myself, is that being healthy and fit is obviously pretty important to me. Things that work in a friendship won't always work in a romantic relationship.
I would say that it depends on whether or not the weight she has put on is a health risk.
I don't think it's an immediate health risk, no. Opinions vary widely on what is and what is not a health risk, and opinions are always changing. I am probably just as informed about current ideas on weight, health and nutrition as you. It's become somewhat of a hobby of mine. Regardless, obviously everything exists on a spectrum.
Personally, I can't imagine not including exercise as a part of my daily life. It just helps me out personally in so many ways... energy levels, mood, and just my general sense of well being. I realize not everyone feels the same way, or gets the same benefits from exercise.
Yet, you could make an argument that you are putting yourself at risk for heart disease, diabetes, and/or many other problems if you don't include exercise as part of your lifestyle. I believe that, evolutionarily speaking, we were designed to move. Modern life has been a great detriment to the general health of our species.
Not to mention just the pure joy and excitement of pushing your body physically. Of getting to know your body this way. It's capabilities and limitations.
When I was 18, I went to the grand canyon with my parents. We were leaving the next morning at noon. I decided I'd wake up at 3 in the morning and hike the 8 miles down to the Colorado river and back by noon. It was a round trip of almost 16 miles, and it just about killed me, but this is the kind of stuff I love. I'll never forget seeing the sun rise from half way down the canyon.
Now, I don't expect to meet a girl that would want to accompany me on such a half-witted trip, but... oh man, I don't know.
I don't think it's an immediate health risk, no. Opinions vary widely on what is and what is not a health risk, and opinions are always changing. I am probably just as informed about current ideas on weight, health and nutrition as you. It's become somewhat of a hobby of mine. Regardless, obviously everything exists on a spectrum.
I am a out of the loop regarding the latest opinions on what is a healthy weight or diet. Since I no longer need to work out on a rigid/unyielding schedule, I no longer care about it that much.
I asked, because it also depends on her height and what she currently weighs. For example, my last gf gained about 25 pounds while we were together. She went from around 155 lbs to 180 lbs. She was also 6'0", so 180 lbs was nothing to be concerned about.
Quote:
Originally Posted by electric_sheep
Personally, I can't imagine not including exercise as a part of my daily life. It just helps me out personally in so many ways... energy levels, mood, and just my general sense of well being. I realize not everyone feels the same way, or gets the same benefits from exercise.
I always hated exercise, but I needed to be in good shape, so I had to exercise. These days, I hardly work out anymore. My blood pressure was a bit high at my yearly physical, so I need to do more and also lose weight.
You mentioned that she is unhappy with her weight. I take it you offered to work out with her. Maybe she would like to work out but is a bit intimidated by you. You are her (nagging?) bf that is already in great shape. She could feel more comfortable with someone who is more like her, e.g. someone who also wants to lose weight or maybe she would feel more comfortable around other women.
Some of my female co-workers go to a gym that offers women's-only classes (aerobic, swimming, etc.). Maybe your gf could do something similar to see if that is more to her liking. Depending on where you live, bicycling could be a good way to start. I live in the suburbs and it takes me only a few minutes to reach the cycleway that follows the river.
Don't stay with someone for what they "once were like" or "could be". From what you described about other areas of your life together I'm thinking that this weight issue is a decoy for the bigger problems between the two of you.
I understand your concern about her health, but in the end only she can make herself change. You two have probably grown apart in many ways, and would be more compatible with other people.
Her losing weight will not solve all of your problems.
One more confession... intellectually I like to think I'm really open and non-judgemental. Truth is, sometimes I just think she is kind of lazy. I've always been a tough-ass and a very active person. Someone who pushes myself. Perhaps too much, even. She doesn't share these traits. I wish we were in common. I think sometimes I judge her without even realizing it.
You are being judgmental in thinking she's lazy. Is she really lazy? OR does she just hate to work out at the gym?
Does she really just sit around the house doing nothing and sleeping all the time? That's lazy.
Does she go to school/work and work hard and succeed? Does she write or paint or cook or sew or garden or play the piano or get involved in other creative outlets that require dedication and work? Does she get together with friends and take care of her laundry and stuff around the house?
If she has a life that does not include the gym, that does not automatically mean she is lazy. Perhaps she does push herself, just not in YOUR way.
Also, there is a whole world of activities out there that does not include the gym or running. Personally, I loathe the gym for so many reasons, not the least of which is breathing in everybody else's sweat. If my bf kept pushing me to go there so I could be one more little rat running on the treadmill in the gym cage, I'd rather sit on the couch, too.
Maybe you can stop asking her to go to the gym and ask her if she wants to sign up for salsa dance classes with you, or see if she'd be interested in learning to play tennis with you. Try something different and see if that's engaging and fun as well as exercise.
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