I have been with my fiance for 7 years and have been engaged for 2. He recently went to a strip club with one of his friends for apparently no reason but then lied to me about it. I asked him the night of and he said he went else where and then a week later I found out the truth through a good friend of mine and I confronted him about it and he still lied. We are supposed to get married in 6 months form now I am nervous about the marriage b/c I feel like I can't trust him. I won't deny the fact that strip clubs bother me, and he knows that and it's b/c my ex-sister in law is a stripper and cheated and divorced my brother and neices and nephews. What do I do and to top it off he got a lap dance which kills me even more.
I won't deny the fact that strip clubs bother me, and he knows that and it's b/c my ex-sister in law is a stripper and cheated and divorced my brother and neices and nephews.
Which is precisely why he lied to you.
He won't admit to something he knows you're totally against.
If you can't trust him, don't marry him.....period. You're going to have make a decision as to whether or not you can let him live a, "normal" life without you questioning his every move.....
He lied because he knew you'd get upset. I call it damage control lying. Where one person doesn't think something is a big deal or someone else's reasoning isn't logical enough to make them agree. So they do what they don't think is a big deal and lie about it to avoid the not such a big deal to them thing, becoming a big deal by way of the other person knowing about it. To your guy, it is only a big deal because you know about it. If you had never known about it, you would still think he was good enough to date for so long and good enough to marry. I'm sure that even though you thought he was good enough to marry before this, you were still aware that he is human and therefore imperfect and capable of different opinions about things than you have. You WERE aware of this, right?
Before the sister in law thing, what was your opinion of strip clubs and lap dances?
before my sister in law I was kind of okay with it! He's gone to strip clubs before with his friends for party's and stuff and I was okay with it but this time I just felt offended by it. I think it was the lying that killed me.
before my sister in law I was kind of okay with it! He's gone to strip clubs before with his friends for party's and stuff and I was okay with it but this time I just felt offended by it. I think it was the lying that killed me.
Well then there you go! He finds your reasoning irrational. I mean does the ex sis in law work where he went? Did she give him the lap dance? If you were fine with it before, he isn't going to understand your reasoning for not being fine with it now. Its not like a woman has to be a stripper to do what your ex sis in law did or that all strippers would do what your ex sis in law did.
I understand the lying part bothering you tho.
I have been with my fiance for 7 years and have been engaged for 2. He recently went to a strip club with one of his friends for apparently no reason but then lied to me about it.
If he lied about it, then he obviously knew it was wrong, or that it was disrespectful to you.
Or that he knew you'd be upset, therefore not caring enough about your feelings to keep him from going.
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I asked him the night of and he said he went else where and then a week later I found out the truth through a good friend of mine and I confronted him about it and he still lied. We are supposed to get married in 6 months form now I am nervous about the marriage b/c I feel like I can't trust him. I won't deny the fact that strip clubs bother me, and he knows that and it's b/c my ex-sister in law is a stripper and cheated and divorced my brother and neices and nephews. What do I do and to top it off he got a lap dance which kills me even more.
Tell him if he feels the need to get off with another woman, no matter how innocent he thinks it might be, then maybe he is just too immature to be married.
If you are just figuring out he is capable of lying, then you are in for a long road of disappointment. You have to face it, NO PERSON IS 100% TRUTHFUL. You both have and are going to do things behind each others back and lie to their face about it. THIS IS NORMAL FOR ALL HUMAN BEINGS. There are going to be times when the two of you are going to do things the other does not like. You know what? THAT IS FINE. You both need to have parts of yourself left that is not this perfect being, because, your not.
Now, if your going to throw tempertantrums about him going to strip clubs (which he may know you don't like him to, but being a friend decided to go with his friend, because friends understand sometimes, one has to compromise to be just that, a friend), if you think because you caught him in a lie and he is such this horrible monstrous villain...Do HIM the favor and don't get married. I am sure he could find a woman who is not going to get on him because he indulges in something he likes and she may not be too keen on.
Now, if he has a past history of infidelity with women of such a nature, then, yes I would be concerned and upset. Even though he may have been innocent this time, a logical boundary can be applied now that he has shown in the past he cannot be trusted there and such places should be off limits to him. And if his friend knows this, he or she is wrong for taking him there.
Lastly, before you get all huffy and puffy. You know what you can do that might make your fiancee think twice about going to a strip club? Have him take you a few times. Or let him know that you and the girls are going to have a nice night out at a male strip club. (Now this is the time a game is viable) And if he gets jealous, let him know that is how you feel and that if he promises not to go again, you will do the same.
You know what, strippers also have made some sound advices that wives found useful to them...Take lessons and you perform for your husband. And that way, even if he does not stop going to strip clubs, more men or not start getting less lapdances because they have a woman already to entice him at home.
DNR
If you can't beat them with your own games, beat them at their own. Oh. And make sure you keep the dollars for yourself.
He lied because he knew you'd get upset. I call it damage control lying
hmm, you must be my ex-girlfriend!
I have little tolerance for liars. If he knows you're uncomfortable with him going to a strip club, why do it and then lie about it? Is going to a strip club so important that he wants to do that kind of thing to you?
I would hope my future wife would be ok with me going to a place like that, or preferably go with me, but if she was dead set against it.. I would probably not do it. It's not that big a deal to me. It's not like it's a difference in religious beliefs or outlook on life, it's just a stupid club. I could do without.
Now bear in mind this is my opinion. I don't believe in that damage control lying crap. If my SO can't be honest with me then we have a major problem.
Maybe others will tell you it's his life and he can do it if he wants.. but a relationship, especially marriage, you'd think there would be room for compromises.
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. If my SO was lying to me about going to a club, what else could they be lying about?
Again, just my opinions.
__________________ "How could this love, ever turning, never turn it's eye on me.
How could this love, ever changing, never change the way I feel."
You know what, strippers also have made some sound advices that wives found useful to them...Take lessons and you perform for your husband. And that way, even if he does not stop going to strip clubs, more men or not start getting less lapdances because they have a woman already to entice him at home.
DNR
If you can't beat them with your own games, beat them at their own. Oh. And make sure you keep the dollars for yourself.
I dont think this works, I think men go to strip clubs because they want DIFFERENT women other then their wife/gf dancing for them, they want a NEW woman grinding on their penis.
hmm, you must be my ex-girlfriend!
I have little tolerance for liars. If he knows you're uncomfortable with him going to a strip club, why do it and then lie about it? Is going to a strip club so important that he wants to do that kind of thing to you?
I would hope my future wife would be ok with me going to a place like that, or preferably go with me, but if she was dead set against it.. I would probably not do it. It's not that big a deal to me. It's not like it's a difference in religious beliefs or outlook on life, it's just a stupid club. I could do without.
Now bear in mind this is my opinion. I don't believe in that damage control lying crap. If my SO can't be honest with me then we have a major problem.
Maybe others will tell you it's his life and he can do it if he wants.. but a relationship, especially marriage, you'd think there would be room for compromises.
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. If my SO was lying to me about going to a club, what else could they be lying about?
Again, just my opinions.
Not hardly! I feel ya though; lying sucks the room dry of rationality no matter what the motivation behind it. I understand lying, but I don't advocate it! Gosh, pardon me for recognizing the different motivations behind people's lies!
This isn't a malicious lie however. She previously was fine about it and then changed her mind because of one person's actions that had nothing to do with the occupation. It is the same logic as hating all asian men because you had one as a boss and he wrongly fired you. Her BF could be struggling with her reasons for changing her views.
It could also be possible that her BF always felt he wouldn't date a girl who had a big problem with strip clubs. Now that he loves her and is committed, she changed. Some people would call that lying too.
Okay lets put it this way even if he had lied to me about going else where I would still be pissed. I do not believe in lying and yes everyone lies, but I hate to tell you I don't. I am very up front about eveything because I feel as if lying just ends up herting people more in the long run!!! Some people would say I am a little insensitive when it comes to that. I do agree that if he can lie to me about where he is going then what wouldn't he lie to me about. I have offered to go to strip clubs with him and he refuses to take me and he said he would be offfended if I went to a male strip club with my friends. So what I don't understand at this point is why it's okay for him to go and I am supposed to accept it, but it's not okay for me to go to either a male of female strip club.
Okay lets put it this way even if he had lied to me about going else where I would still be pissed. I do not believe in lying and yes everyone lies, but I hate to tell you I don't. I am very up front about eveything because I feel as if lying just ends up herting people more in the long run!!! Some people would say I am a little insensitive when it comes to that. I do agree that if he can lie to me about where he is going then what wouldn't he lie to me about. I have offered to go to strip clubs with him and he refuses to take me and he said he would be offfended if I went to a male strip club with my friends. So what I don't understand at this point is why it's okay for him to go and I am supposed to accept it, but it's not okay for me to go to either a male of female strip club.
Why dont u ask him why he thinks its ok for him to go but not for you to go to a male strip club? Whats his response to that one?
I dont think this works, I think men go to strip clubs because they want DIFFERENT women other then their wife/gf dancing for them, they want a NEW woman grinding on their penis.
Yes, this is true. Its nice to go in a building, have a few drinks to get loose and then just start picking girls to grope at will
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