[molecularbiologist1]

I am 23 and I just graduated with a dual major in Molecular Biology/Biochemistry and I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. He just graduated at the same time with a degree in Computer Science and is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He never lets me pay for anything when we go out, is a classic gentleman, and has even helped me pay my utilities when money got tight for a few months. He is a good christian guy and he has morals and manners (which is hard to find these days). I love him very much and we ALWAYS have an amazing time together... and I can see us married.

The problem is, my mother hates him and lets me know it every second of my life. She claims that as soon as she met him that she knew he was a creep. He drives a 1999 Nissan Sentra (which is a normal car for any college student) and because of this, she calls him a loser and claims he is worthless. Another thing she likes to prey on, is the fact that he is a little overweight. Her favorite things to call him are "fat ass" and "fat ass mother f***er" and it really hurts my feelings to hear her say these things about the person I love. She always tells me that I can do better and that I am disgusting because I am with him. She tells me that the only reason I am with him is because I feel sorry for him because he is fat and that I will come to my senses soon. She got into my e-mail account once and found an e-mail where my boyfriend suggested I sell my new car because I was having money troubles at the time. Because of this, she found him in Starbucks and chewed him out in public for it... and she says that if she sees him in public again, that she will tell him to go to hell and to leave me alone.

She has always been very controlling. It has been hard for me to have friends and for me to do anything with my life. It was a struggle for me to move out for a few months to finish my last semester of school because of her. I had to drive an hour to school and an hour back everyday and I was getting tired of it, but she said it was an easy drive and wouldn't approve of me moving out. I moved out anyway and she was so dramatic about it and made me feel guilty for leaving her alone. Eventhough I moved out, she constantly texted me and called me wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. If I wasn't online to talk to her on instant messenger, she would text my phone and accuse me of things I wasn't even doing. She goes through my credit card statements when they come to the house and even made me make her a joint on my account so she could see what I was spending my money on. She claimed that she just wanted to help me pay my bills so I wouldn't have to stress about it. She even got detailed billing on our cell phones so she could see who I am calling and when I am calling them. She is VERY nosey and it makes me angry, but I comply so she doesn't get pissed off at me.

She is a very lonely person, doesn't work and has no friends or a life at all. She lives through her kids and through guilt trips. She doesn't have a good relationship with my dad and is very distant with him. She is always in pain and has a new pain everyday and it seems like I am the only person who will listern to her. I feel sorry for her and so I continue to keep checking up with her and have tried to hide my relationship with my boyfriend. I have always sought her approval and have felt like I needed to do that because my siblings were sort of "failures". So, I have to be the "good kid" and do what she tells me to do and do what pleases her. Since she hates my boyfriend, I feel guilty like I have betrayed her wishes and wants for me. She has told me that I am choosing him over her and she didn't think that I would ever do something like that to her. I haven't even gotten to introduce my boyfriend to my dad because my mom controls him, too... and my dad has said that he doesn't want to meet him.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I have to move back home in less than a week because I cannot afford to keep paying for my expensive apartment after I graduate while I look for another job. I am really depressed because I won't get to see my boyfriend very much in order to prevent drama with my mom. I don't know what I'm going to do... I love my boyfriend very much and I don't think I should have to deny my happiness to make my mother happy.

Please... does anybody have any advice?

[redfathom]

You are an adult and your mom does not seem to be healthy, for you, no matter who you date or hang out with. You seem to have your life very much together and you seem to have made great decisions. You are not responsible for your mom's happiness. You need to look out for yourself, I know that will be hard. If you move back, try to pay rent so you don't feel indebted to your mom.

Good luck with the job search.

[sb129]

You are not responsible for your mom's happiness.\

Hear hear. If you need to tell her that, then do so. You are an adult, and your own person, and she needs to respect that.

There are a few threads on here about controlling moms, you shoudl be able to find them with a search or two.

[curiousnycgirl]

You need to set some ground rules with your mother. While of course she is entitled to her opinion, her disparaging comments and vulgarity are unnecessary and are driving a wedge between you.

You need to tell her that if she continues in this manner, you will stop coming over to visit and stop speaking with her. Or you can tell her that as soon as she heads down that path - the conversation is over and you will walk out of the room/house/hang up the phone, whatever. Tell her if she would like to spend time with you - those are the ground rules, and if she continues you will simply stop giving her the opportunity. Make sure you make it very clear, the choice is all hers.

You will have to actually do this a few times because she will test your sincerity - and likely be verbally abusive when you do act on it. However once she gets the message, she'll tow the line.

Good luck