I am 20 years old and as a child, I was "spanked" nearly everyday with a belt until I was in my early teens. Sometimes these spankings would leave bruises all up my legs and back. It was a common occurrence for both my parents to slap us or grab us by the necks out of anger. I have two younger brothers and a younger sister. My brother, who has Down Syndrome (age 19), also was abused physically. He wet the bed until age 14 and I remember that, when he wet the bed, my father would come in screaming and drag him by his arm across the floor and into the bathroom. He would frequently cover our mouths if we cried during his spankings. I have memories of being locked in closets and garages during the middle of the night. I have memories of being sexually touched by a older neighbor boy.
My father is a Pastor and is esteemed in my hometown community. He was a totally different man at church than he was at home. He would often leave my siblings and I at home alone when I was only 7 with one disabled brother and one baby brother. My mom would get so fed up that she would sometimes disappear for a couple days. I only saw my parents hug one time in my life. My mom would often tell me that their problems were my fault.
Growing up, I had a lot of behavioral problems. I got into a lot of physical fights and I began using drugs and alcohol at age 16. My mom and I would fight pretty regularly and she would often tell me that our family would be much better without me and that I was destined to be nothing more than a prostitute. I ran away from home when I was 16, but was caught and admitted to a Christian-based mental institution. While there, I was forced to go on anti-depressants and was told that I needed to obey my parents. I was totally broken by this experience. I had tried to stand up for myself finally and several adults in my life contacted child protective services. However, I was sent back to my parents home and we underwent court-mandated family counseling.
Since then, my father hasn't laid a hand on any of us and my mother does not verbally or physically abuse either. I moved out at age 17 and managed to move nearly 3000 miles away from my family, which is where I am now at age 20.
Ok.. sorry my explanation is long but here is what I need help with:
My family is far more functional now than they ever have been but I still am estranged from my father. I feel immense guilt for leaving my siblings in that environment. I am living in a new city and have not made many friends yet. I feel a lot of anxiety over leaving the house sometimes and I feel paralyzed when I want to talk to someone new. I have never been able to trust anyone else and I recently put trust into my last romantic relationship, only to have him lie, cheat and manipulate, while telling me it was my fault. I feel pretty paranoid lately and I find myself interpreting other people's actions as "out to get me". I don't know how to trust other people! I am beginning to scare myself with my insecurities and jealousies. I don't want to talk to any of my old friends from my hometown and I feel scared to begin new relationships because I know every relationship ends in betrayal and pain. I have been a cutter in the past and I want to do that badly at times, but I don't because I don't want people to see it. I wear long sleeves all the time to hide the scars.
Basically, I want to know if anyone has tips for getting past this and for healing and for learning how to trust people again. I feel perpetually alone.
First of all, realize that you're never alone, never have been.
Secondly, forgive yourself for leaving siblings behind. If they could, they would leave just like you did.
Finally, use your past experience to help others going through what you've been through. Find an outreach in your area where you can use what happened to you in a positive way.....
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.....don't dwell on it, and don't take the well worn path....make your own!
I am so, so sorry that you have been through such mental and physical torment.
Have no guilt for leaving. It is others who should feel guilt. Your siblings will leave soon and you can be there waiting for them.
And, yes,like Moose said, leave it behind, don't brood over it, bury it in the past and look ahead, with strength,hope and determination. You can do it.
Are there any support groups in your area for this kind of thing?
__________________ I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. Voltaire
How do you get over it? You finally realize that you survived and I mean survived what was done to you when you were a child and now you are an adult and have so many tools at your disposal to help you overcome your past.
You learn to forgive yourself for what you did and didn't do and what was done to you, as forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. It's something that is so hard to do when the people who are supposed to love you the most betray you when you are so vulnerable. Your actions were the catalyst for the change in your family (by the court mandated counseling) so that has to count for something?
You vow never to let history repeat itself in your own family when you have one. You take great pride in breaking the chain of abuse.
It's not an easy thing to get past, and in my case brooding over it day in and day out was something that I needed to do. Finally one day I realized that I was continuing the cycle of abuse by reliving it over and over. That was the day that I literally shut the door on my past. I was angry like you, and my anger got me through so many hard times in my life, but it just got to the point where the anger was exhausting and interfering with the good things in my life.
There comes a time when you only have enough reserves within you to
only look out for you. Forgive yourself for not saving them, but once you get your confidence and soul back, you can always help them to a qualified and educated therapist to heal.
Sometimes it has to be just about you. Friends will find you and you will sort yourself into a new life, but be positive, be strong, and surround yourself with only things that make you feel happy. Sometimes, depending on your environment, being alone for a while is ok. Until you sort out the direction and path you want for yourself. Friends and fashion will fall into place when you are at peace with yourself and your life.
take care
I am sorry that you had to go through that growing up and witness your siblings go through it as well. It is just really sad too that your brother who has Down Syndrome, wasn't given the love he was supposed to have - Ofcourse that goes for you and your other siblings.
All I can suggest is, counselling. Talk to someone about all this and as painful as it was, do your best NOT to let it ruin who you are now. Talking about it and dealing with the pain, learning how to let go is very important. My bestfriend was abused growing up, so I've heard alot about, helped her through some awful times, and seen how she's handled her issues over the years.
I definately agree with the previous poster, surround yourself with positive people with big hearts. (With the help of therapy, you'll trust again) This is your life so don't let the past ruin who you're meant to be now.
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