[yasmine23]

Please can somebody answer this THREAD, I have been married to my husband for 3 years, but his family are driving me absolotuley mad i feel like im going insane sometimes. This is my husbands 2nd marriage and his mum was not to pleased that he had met me as i am not of caucasian origin, his mum has said all the hurtful racial names that you can think of in front of me, and my husband has just stood by and said nothing my husband has children from a previous marriage and his mother( the witch) has tried to turn his children against me by making lies up she turned my husbands sister against me also, so i have had the mum the x wife and the sister all gang up on me!

we all live about 5 mins away form eachother, I thought at the begining the mum liked me and i confided in her about certain things! she went straight back and told his x wife everything and twisted alot of stuff, my husbands x wife then repeated it all to my husband and my husband has had a go at me, the monster in law said that i ran down my husband so bad!! which was not true, but this evil woman also said that my husbands son had run him down to, and my husband aint doing anything about it, last year my husband sent them a christmas card with both our names on it, and they sent one back but to my husband only! i have not spoken to them for a whole year, but they keep driving up and down our road the dad turns up at the hse as we are having building works done!

i came out of the house to offer the builder some tea i said hello to his father and the father answered WHO ARE YOU, SHOUTING i ran in my house and closed the door! My husbands parents do not talk to there son in law as they said some really bad things about him and he does not talk to them anymore, i personally think that what they are trying to do is drive me out of this house by making it so uncomfortable for me that eventually i will crack! i have held my dignity and kept away but they are bringing it to my door now any advice? I THINK IM AT THE VERGE OF SUICIDE WITH IT ALL!

[Ronni_W]

Hello Jasmine.
You are in a very difficult and stressful situation. There are no easy solutions, that I can think of.

To me, it is really about you finding ways to HELP your husband set some boundaries and communicate those to his parents.
He does not have to cut them out of his life, of course. And they do not need to become friends with you, or learn to love you.

But he must help them to understand that he needs them to accept his decisions and choices in life, and to not do anything that will cause him to lose you because you are the person he is married to, and wants to stay married to. He must find the proper words and way to communicate all of that to them, in a kind and loving manner. (They do not have to accept YOU as much as your husband's choice and desires ABOUT you, if that makes sense.)
He may find it useful to work with a communications coach or other professional that can help him communicate assertively with his parents.

On the other hand. You must stop your dramatic thought patterns -- allowing yourself to think/post about suicide does not help your inner peace in the slightest.

You must do your own "personal work and healing" so that you can manage your thoughts and feelings about them better. Again, this is for your own peace of mind.
To me, a goal might be something like: going from thinking of them as monsters, witches, evil, etc., to thinking of them as "my husbands cooky parents." (Again, internally, there will be humour around the 'cooky' instead of anger, judgment, resentment, etc.)
To me, that might need some professional help around anger release, reframing thought patterns, etc.

You must also accept your in-laws for what they are -- dysfunctional, judgmental, non-supportive, etc. You don't have to act like that. But you cannot expect healthy and functional behaviour from people who are emotionally unhealthy and non-functional. When we do that, we just set our own selves up for disappointment and frustration.

Even if you have seen them treat others with love, respect and dignity, that still isn't your reality, and you still can't expect such treatment for yourself.

I am sorry that your in-laws are so horrible towards you. I'm sure you do know it is their own weird thinking and warped behaviour. There are different levels of racism, and the impact of racism is extremely hurtful and damaging. (I grew up in apartheid South Africa, so I have some experience.)

The best thing you can do against them, is to live your life with dignity and high self-esteem and self-respect. When necessary, perhaps you can look to Mandela for inspiration? Certainly many of my ex-pats have done just that.

Good luck and God bless.

[mellow]

I no exactly how you feel! i am in the same situation i honestly thought i was the only one! The first thing you need to do is tell your husband how your feeling and when i say tell him i mean EVERYTHING! even the suicide part.

Unfortunately like me you obviously have a weak man! but you must become a united front against his parents, he needs to understand that he has married you and that he must support you, he cannot stand there and let someone insult you like that! its WRONG!

I spoke to my partner and told him everything that was on my mind even how i wanted to kill myself because i couldn't take the stress and the abuse. He then realised my pain and now he has a voice when it comes to his parents, yes its a weak one but its getting there.

I think you should move away from them no it doesn't mean that they are winning it means your getting a fresh start getting rid of the stink that has been floating around for too long!

The other alternative is that you tell them exactly what you think of them without holding back but keeping your dignity, to show that you WILL NOT tolerate there S*&T NO MORE! because they most probably think that by ganging up on you and bullying you, you will break and at the moment it seems to be working!

You need to fix up and prove them wrong, be dam good or the best at whatever you do and show them that they are the pathetic ones. You do need to face facts that your hubby is not going to change but if he will stick by you then you need to have a long talk about how things need to change, because i can guarantee you that he has no idea of how bad you really feel. All i can say is let it out open yourself up to your man and hope that he understands, i know it sounds bad but if he doesn't understand then you may need to reconsider your relationship because you cannot put up with this for the rest of your marriage.

Good luck and keep me posted to let me no your still on the earth!