Pole: Still sleeping with Husband/Wife while having the affair?
This is out of personal curiosity, but for those of you who are currently having an affair, or who were involved in one, were you still sleeping with your husband/wife? Did they know that something was going on?
If you were cheated ON, did your husband/wife still sleep with you as though nothing was wrong? Could you tell something was wrong?
I guess I've seen a lot of movies and I wanted to get a real world take on the idea.
This is out of personal curiosity, but for those of you who are currently having an affair, or who were involved in one, were you still sleeping with your husband/wife? Did they know that something was going on?
If you were cheated ON, did your husband/wife still sleep with you as though nothing was wrong? Could you tell something was wrong?
I guess I've seen a lot of movies and I wanted to get a real world take on the idea.
BS here - yes - he still slept with me. it was always amazing and often before and during his affair. we were married 20 years.
i could tell something was wrong with his attitude and approach away from the bedroom. he was distant, irritable, critical of me, our kids, the house heck when he started criticizing the tiniest thing - i definitely knew something was wrong... so i started paying close attention... it only took a day to figure out specifics.
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still here - amazingly enough! he he
BS here - yes - he still slept with me. it was always amazing and often before and during his affair. we were married 20 years.
i could tell something was wrong with his attitude and approach away from the bedroom. he was distant, irritable, critical of me, our kids, the house heck when he started criticizing the tiniest thing - i definitely knew something was wrong... so i started paying close attention... it only took a day to figure out specifics.
Never knew a thing. My ex had an on and off affair for 23 years with one guy, (her "now" guy) and with a few other casual co-workers over the years. It didn't affect her performance in the bedroom on way or the other.
This is out of personal curiosity, but for those of you who are currently having an affair, or who were involved in one, were you still sleeping with your husband/wife? Did they know that something was going on?
If you were cheated ON, did your husband/wife still sleep with you as though nothing was wrong? Could you tell something was wrong?
I guess I've seen a lot of movies and I wanted to get a real world take on the idea.
When i was with exMM and cheating on my H, yes-H and I still had sex, but im sure he had to pick up on something being not quite right. ExMM and I were having so much amazing sex that i had little to no desire for my H-thats one of the signs that i knew i was falling for exMM. We still had sex, but the frequency greatly diminished, although it was still very good at times. Of course, all i could think about was MM, my mind was clouded with him.
My man (former MM) stopped having sex with his then W because he wanted the M to end and she would not leave. So he stopped marital relations and eventually she realized that he would not give in.
To answer your questions, I think that when someone is really ready to end a M or R, they tend to stop having sex with their partners. If they still are, it sometimes means that they want to be with that person to a certain extent.
My wife told OM that we were no longer having sexual relations, although we were sleeping in the same room.
Bald faced lie.
In truth, we were still "together" in every fashion.
I did notice a difference in her...distance, coldness, etc...which was one of the key indicators that I had that there was something going on between her and OM.
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Wise...no. Been through enough to have learned to value wisdom...certainly!
On a serious note now, to answer the original question, my exH and I (he was the MM) were not having sex quite as often as we had in the past. HOWEVER... I thought that it was due to the birth of our daughter. He said "he felt strange having sex with me after seeing me give birth". So I guess I was naive and believed it was some psychological thing when in fact he was dipping his stick elsewhere.
I didn't know he was having the A until he started working strange hours and when I called him at work, they always told me that he was unavailable (with a customer, out to lunch, on another line with the boss, etc). I got suspicious, started checking cell phone bills and checking up on him more often. Then sh*t hit the fan!!!
If you are suspicious, I say do a little investigating. It's better to know than to constantly wonder!!! Good luck.
My MM told me that he wasn't sleeping with his W. He told me over and over again that he didn't want to have sex with his wife because he wasn't physically attracted to her anymore. He told me that sex with her wasn't nearly what it was with me (which might have been the case, but he is a liar). Then, after we had lived together for a few months in our new place (we had gotten it after he had shown me the fake divorce decree), he took off on me and our son while I was pregnant with our daughter two days before Christmas.
We didn't have a joint account yet, and I had NO money. When I say no money I mean less than a dollar, and no credit cards. I didn't know what to do. The MM and I had said that we were going to go Christmas shopping for our son on Christmas Eve. He said it was a tradition in his family. So, there I am sitting in a place with no food with a ten month old. It was my son's first Christmas. I was not going to allow this to happen. I needed to go home to family.
This was when I went on post and told the MPs the story. They contacted his chain of command. The MPs then informed me that this man was on leave with his wife. They also told me (because they didn't want me to waste my time on this man anymore) that his chain of command was surprised because she knew that his W was pregnant. This is how I found out that the man was still sleeping with his W. Later, I spoke to him, and found out just how far along his W was. She was due the week after I was. This man is a little bit of a slut. He went from my bed to hers spouting ideas of love and adoration in BOTH beds. Frankly, it is a little sickening.
If a MM says that he is not sleeping with his W, he is lying (unless he lives with you and then he might STILL be lying). You cannot continue a relationship without a little bit of encouragement, and it is true that women equate love with sex. The W is willing to stay in the R because she doesn't think anything is wrong, and that means outside and INSIDE the bedroom. If you think otherwise, you are naive.
Former BS here. Yes, my exH and I were still having sex while he was having his affair. That's just one of the reasons it took me a while to figure it out.
He admitted to me later that he lied to her about that. Big shocker.
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Anything you've ever said is brilliant
Anything you wanna do is fine by me
This is much better than love, babe...
If a MM says that he is not sleeping with his W, he is lying (unless he lives with you and then he might STILL be lying). You cannot continue a relationship without a little bit of encouragement, and it is true that women equate love with sex. The W is willing to stay in the R because she doesn't think anything is wrong, and that means outside and INSIDE the bedroom. If you think otherwise, you are naive.
Amen to that mistresswithchildren. You are very wise, and I agree it's naive to think they aren't sleeping with their spouse. Cheaters want to have their cake and eat it too. They will say and do anything to get both women to stay with them for as long as possible... until it all comes crashing down, one way or the other, and then they will stay with whatever woman's left standing.
I know a few situations of long-time married couples who rarely if ever have sex. They are not in the happiest of marriages and often one of them experiences a lot of sexual frustration. My parents are one of these couples and my dad is really bothered by it (which is uncomfortable to hear him make comments/ hint about, but I think he is so exasperrated he sometimes says things he probably shouldn't.) Here's the thing: those spouses don't cheat. They believe in stciking a marriage through no matter how bad it is, or getting divorced, but they *don't* believe in going to get it from somewhere else and dragging in a third party to fulfill their own needs just because their marriage is sucky.
On the other hand, people who cheat *complain* that their marriage is horrible and say they don't have sex with their spouse-- which they HAVE to do, it's the nature of the game, because a third party isn't going to be very keen on saying "ok, I will be involved with someone who has a pretty good marriage and share him sexually with his wife, no problem!" (Except maybe Lizzie, and she gets fringe benefits for doing it. ) Then comes the lies-- to the wife he says he's not with anyone else (expressly or implicitly, by pretending to still live by his marriage vows) and to his other woman he says he's divorcing his wife and they have no more relationship/ sex/ etc.
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"The unexamined life is not worth living."
~Socrates
Last edited by nadiaj2727; 17th April 2008 at 11:35 AM.
PS To the OP-- If you ask this poll on the Infidelity board, you might get more real answers from people who are (or were) cheating on their spouses with another person. In fact if you just go read around there, you'll see the fence-sitting cake-eating mindset and that the reality is that the CS (cheating spouse) is living in two worlds/ relationships -- one with the OP and one with the spouse. This includes sex of course.
In here a lot of the OM/ OW are deluded or manipulated by the CS to believe that that CS is totally "faithful" to him/her, not their spouse and not-- Lord forbid-- another OP or two. They also believe that this is the CS's first affair, that CS is a good person who is just caught up in a bad marriage, that CS would never do it again because he is just with the wrong person and that's a good excuse to cheat, that CS's spouse treats them horribly and neglects and abuses them, that CS is getting divorced very soon and that the sky is falling tomorrow, because CS says it is... basically they believe anything that CS tells them because this cheating spouse, who continues to stay married while cheating, is their "soul mate" and they're in love.
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) Then comes the lies-- to the wife he says he's not with anyone else (expressly or implicitly, by pretending to still live by his marriage vows) and to his other woman he says he's divorcing his wife and they have no more relationship/ sex/ etc.
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