I reconnected with a friend I've known since elementary school when we found out (through facebook) that we were now living in the same city. We hung out a few times, the last time I invited her out with a group of my friends, which included my bf.
We all got pretty intoxicated and my bf and I ended up crashing at her place because it was walking distance to the bar we were at. In the morning, we went for breakfast, everything was great (except for the hangover) but we were all laughing and having a good time.
My bf and I were going on a camping trip later that day, so he went off to pack his stuff and get ready, and I drove my friend home. As bf was leaving, my friend shouted after him, "if you're not busy later, call me, we can hang out". First off, she knew we were getting ready to go camping, second off, she asked my bf to hang out right in front of me.
I was caught off guard at the time, and really hung over, so I never said anything, but later sent her an e-mail expressing my concern that she may have been a bit too friendly with my man, and that I don't think it's appropriate to ask your friend's bf to 'hang out'. I also told her that he felt awkward because he felt she was hitting on him and he didn't know the proper way to handle himself. She really put us both in a wierd position.
She replied to the email stating she was only trying to be friendly and she would ask anyone she had fun with to hang out. No harm meant. I accepted this, and said that in the future, I'd feel more comfortable if we hung out all together, and I'd feel weird if they started calling eachother and what not.
This all happened a while ago, but I got an e-mail from her today saying that she had to take time to think about it, and that she thinks I'm trying to change her, and that she doesn't want me in her life anymore because I create unnecessary drama in her life. I don't know how to take all this.
How much time has gone by since you told her how you felt and her asking you to get out of her life? Have you and your BF hung out with her between the two conversations?
In her tiny little world you have caused the drama. Thats pretty selfish of her to not consider your feelings here.
On the other hand , she was brazen enough to ask right in front of you.
Her response should have been " Debbie I am very sorry that I created an awkward moment that made you and your bf feel uncomfortable. I always seem to speak before thinking about it. I am a friendly person. Please give my apologies . Lets go have lunch just you and I and its my treat !
But nooo....thats not what you got. She was attracted to your man and you all spent alot of time together that night and next morning. She meant to do that. She wanted alone time.
Thats no friend , sorry.
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"how do you gently break up with someone???..
Thats like saying how do I gently drive a monster truck through a china/glass/crystal shop.
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This all happened a while ago, but I got an e-mail from her today saying that she had to take time to think about it, and that she thinks I'm trying to change her, and that she doesn't want me in her life anymore because I create unnecessary drama in her life. I don't know how to take all this.
It sound like she creates her own drama, then blames it on whomever calls her on her inappropriate behaviour.
Take it that she does not yet seem to have learned what is appropriate and inappropriate boundaries between friends, in relationships, etc.
I would mail something like, "I'm so glad you made that decision. I also feel it is the best one, for all of us. Good luck and God bless."
Because it really is a good decision...for you and your b/f. You do NOT need someone like this around. (Insensitive, blaming, minimal relationship skills, ineffective communication skills, not taking responsibility for her own actions, not recognizing how her behaviour impacts others, inability to just say 'sorry - my bad', etc., etc.)
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"They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol
I reconnected with a friend I've known since elementary school when we found out (through facebook) that we were now living in the same city. We hung out a few times, the last time I invited her out with a group of my friends, which included my bf.
That's the problem right there. You've "known" her since elementary school, but she hasn't been a part of your life for a long long time. You two reconnected on facebook, tried to make a friendship happen. Maybe you would have been better off getting to know her as she is now, one on one rather than involve your friends and your boyfriend until you two had a more solid friendship going.
Anyway, it IS weird that she asked your bf to hang out. That is wrong. If she can't see that, then she isn't worth knowing or having in your life.
Focus on the friends who ARE in your daily life now and those who truly care about you, not someone from your past who just wants to hang out and have "fun".
i can see a little why this would bother you, but i can see even more where the friend is coming from...if a girl really wanted alone time with a taken man, she wouldn't yell 'let's get together in a clandestine manner' right in front of his girlfriend.
she meant 'call her so you can all hang out.' it more than likely didn't meant just her and him. maybe she was just being friendly; she was excited you two caught up again and she wanted to show she enjoyed it, enjoyed the company, and likes the person in your life as well.
i might have said the same thing to one of my fiance's friends, and if he thought i was trying to snaggle them into my love-web of deceit and lies, i would laugh in his face at his blatant lack of understanding and insecurity.
just a different perspective. i know you're upset, but from the other side, it does look like you're making drama where there is none.
__________________ ...the rest gave up on the game before it
was done and forgot I was still hiding.
I remained hidden as a matter of honor until the moon rose.--GK, Hide and Seek
I don't think she was trying to be malicious, otherwise she wouldn't have said it right in front of me, but I still think it's weird. If she wanted us all to hang out, she could have been more like, "we should do this again", or say something to me when I dropped her off, not yell it after him.
Another thing that bothers me about this is that she just said "call me later" implying that he already had her number. I never asked my bf if she gave it to him, but it kind of makes me wonder. I trust him, and know if he accepted it, it was only to be polite but I know he wouldn't use it.
I have no intention of fighting for the friendship, but we do have a really long history and it's unfortunate that it had to end over something so silly. I don't really feel I was being dramatic, I simply told her that her actions made me uncomfortable and asked her to be more respectful of my wishes.
I get along really well with my best friend's bf, we e-mail eachother and post stupid stuff to eachother on facebook, but the difference there is that we're already in the same circle of friends and I would never ask him to hang out without my best friend. It's just outside the boundries of respect in my opinion.
I can understand why the "call me later" as though he has her number would bother you even more now that she has stopped wishing to mix company with you. It would make me wonder what is up too. If you felt she was up for making a play for him, she'd certainly not want to be around the two of you if she was having any success at it. That is why I asked how much time past between the "call me later" and the "you're trying to change me" conversations and whether or not you and your BF had hung out with her in between those email conversations.
The original incident happened last fall, but the latest e-mail just came the other day.
Soon after the original incident, she moved away for a temporary job, besides that, my bf and I are in a long distance relationship, so we haven't hung out since.
Thinking back to the way this girl is may have set some subconscious flags up as well. She has been known to cheat on past boyfriends, and gave some pretty good indications she was cheating on her (now) ex husband.
I guess even though she may have told the truth and she was just being her normal friendly, outgoing self, I'm forced to think of her lack of morality in her own relationships, and question her honesty and intentions.
All this combined, I'm convinced I'm better off without her, but it still stings.
You mentioned that you and bf are in a long distance relationship ? How many miles ? This so called friend , might she have access to where he lives and could try to go see him since you don't live near him ?
You mentioned that you and bf are in a long distance relationship ? How many miles ? This so called friend , might she have access to where he lives and could try to go see him since you don't live near him ?
Ohh that would be awful! Where was that temporary job she just got back from?......
Interesting that you bring that up Mary 3. They are nowhere near eachother now, but I did find out through the grapevine that she applied for a job near his home town. What she doesn't know is that by that time, he'll be living in my city.
regardless of what she meant, it sounds like a big old mess. something somewhere isn't adding up.
why aren't you talking to your boyfriend about it? it sounds like you're suspicious, but you're just aiming all your anger at a girl who isn't even around anymore.
i'd talk to him too. not like he'll come out and tell you if something did or didn't happen...but he should be questioned, too, don't you think?
even one of the comments you made, like 'what she doesn't know is he'll be living here by then', it sounds like it's a game you're trying to win. be sure it's a prize before you start fighting for it.
Last edited by KenzieAbsolutely; 18th April 2008 at 12:21 PM.
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not good at all..
um...
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