[redfathom]

This is long, please bear with me.

I am the youngest of three sisters (me 26yo). My mom and middle sister (30yo) are extreamly close, they have always lived no more then 50 feet away from each other. My other sister (35yo) and I take turns being the bastardized child. Her because of the way she does not raise her kids and me for not making them (family) my whole life.

Lately they have been doing things all together (it's my turn to be outcast you see) and not inviting me. So on Easter when I saw them I told my mom I was a little hurt by this and she said she was hurt that I don't call her often enough. Keep in mind she never calls me. I said I would try to make it a point to call her every Tuesday (her day off). I have talked to her twice since Easter, neither of which was on a Tuesday. So today, three weeks after our talk I called her and she was obviously upset and responding to me with short answers. I asked her if she was upset and she said no.

I asked her what she has been up to and she said "they ALL" went to the beach on Sunday. I said oh yeah who went. She proceeded to tell me, her, my sisters their kids and husbands and two friends.

I said, oh, how come you did not call to invite us. Yes, I did go there. She said she figued we were busy since I am always spending time with my H and doing things with other people (his brothers). Which, yeah I have been busy w/ friends, who invite me to do things. I can't sit around not making plans in the hopes they might call to invite us to do something.

So our conversation went on like this for about 20 minutes, she guilt tripped me about not calling. I told her our relationship or lack of cannot soley be on my sholder and that phone's work both ways. And that I will not be 100% at fault for this.

So I am too the point where I want nothing to do with any of them. I don't need to spend so much energy defending myself and explaining why I did not call them for a month, or two weeks or what ever time frame they dictate is to long. Especially when they never call me.

My neice and newphew are having a b-day party this Sunday so I called my sister to tell her, no offense to them, but I did not feel like attending. She then proceeded to drill into me, basically along the same lines as my mom and how it's my fault since I don't call them then I have the nerve to guilt them for not inviting me to do things.

The worst part was, she said that the only reason she is having the party is because my other sister told her that I said over a month ago that if she did not have a birthday party for the kids I was going to be upset. So she told me over the phone today that even though I am not aware of her financial problems, because I never call, she is having the party and I better some or she will be pissed at me for doing that to her!!!

Um, so you want me to feel guilty about something I never said, that you never gave me the courtesy or defending, that you should be doing anyways.

Background: My family loves, I mean LOVES to talk trash about each other. My middle sister would call me at least once a week to talk about my older sister and how bad of a mom she is etc. To the point where she would ask me to babysit (I have no kids) because she would not trust her kids w/ our older sister. Now, my middle sister is going away for three days and my older sister is watching the kids. Which is fine, except that in a few months, my middle sister will be mad at my older sister and everything will go back.

We had a huge fall out, a few years ago and I stopped talking to them for over a year. I yelled at my sister for not keeping her house clean and not caring for her kids (she was seperated pending a divorce and out parting a lot, her house was infested w/ roaches, my neice had cat poo on her floor - the cat ran away three months before). My mom and middle sister, told me they agreed she was a bad mother and child custody should be called in. I offered to help my sister clean her house and find credit counsoling places. Two days later, my mom and middle sister were telling me to mind my own business. So I did.

Another example:
My mom particpates in this. And sometime gets it dished to her. My middle sister a few months ago invited my older sister over for a BBQ at the time her and my mom were not talking and had the BBQ like 30 feet from her front door. Why, to piss her off.

So basically my middle sister who has no job, thus a lot of free time, is a trouble maker. My older sister, goes along with the majority and just rides the wave not wanting to make her own waves.

Well, I am sick of it. I am an adult and their games are childish. I don't need to explain myself to them. When I call they should be happy I called and we should spend the time talking about our lives not being vindictive and mean.

Should I skip the b-day party, or go for an hour. My mom told me today I left Easter too early and she was upset (we were there for five hours). So either way I lose out.

Should I just stop talking to them all together. I don't want to miss out on the kids lives, but this is just to emotionally hard to deal with all the time.

Any advice would be great.

[Leia]

I feel very sorry that your family. It breaks my heart because I am very close to my family. If I were in your situation, I don't think I cope with all the bad-thrashing on one another... I mean this is family, we are talking about here.

I wouldn't deal with this kind of drama. Not wanting to have anything to do with them sounds tempting to me... that is if I were in your situation.

[redfathom]

Yeah, it makes it really hard. I want to have a relationship with all of them, but I want that to be as drama free as possible. I am realistic and know that there will always be some drama, but they create too much themselves. They are all backstabbers and busy bodies. They are always gossiping about someone. I don't even like to bring my friends around.

They all treat my dad like garbage which is very upsetting because he is a good father. But because he was strict with us (nothing unreasonable) and my mom just wants to be friends and not a mom, they pretty much disowned him.

I wish I could be close to my family but that means dealing with them, haha. I guess I am too grown up to want to deal with their antics. I mean if I had kids I would want them to know my family, but I also know that they would be collateral damage to this dysfunction and I would not want to do that to them.

[quankanne]

go to the party, but because you want to celebrate with the kids. It's never fruitless putting your energy into those relationships because they'll remember you as someone they can trust when they need to confide or turn to someone.

as for your mom and your sisters, just kill them with kindness. That way you know that you're doing your best to be a decent person while they act like jackasses.

limiting contact with them is never a bad idea when they create stress, but strive to keep control of the conversation – when they start talking shxt or badmouthing one another, cut them off. You know, like when you're training a dog and you say in a firm voice, "ah!" Do it enough times with them and eventually they'll shut the hell up on the subject.

families are funny. You can love someone to pieces but dislike their behavior, so you just do your best to find a happy medium. But ONLY if it's not stressing you out to a point where your mental well-being is jeopardized.

[redfathom]

Quakeanne,

Morning! I know I should go to the party, I was thinking of going for like an hour and hanging with my dad. It does not matter how I come across, nice, mean, or whatever to them, because they will talk trash and make me look bad either way.

My sister and I had a long talk about perceptions and that your perceptions is your reality and that is how it is. They perceve me one way (snooty and that I think I am better then them. I.e. when H and I bought a house and we called to tell them, they asked if I was calling to rub it in their face and I said, no, I wanted to share the good news) and my acting different will not change. They will never stop talking trash, they are gossipers and backstabber.

I have told them when they start talking about the other that I don't want to be a part of it. I told my sister last night, we can agree to diagree because I am not changing how I feel and while she is mad about things I said to her face everyone talks behind the others back and I won't put up with it anymore. She told me I had to learn to deal with, and I asked her why. Dealing with is is acknowledeing there is no problem, when in fact there is.

As for my nieces and nephew's, my family talks so much trash about each other that they will just talk trash about me to them (kids) it won't matter what I do or say.

My mom for one has always been like this. She did this with my dad when they divorced. My whole childhood (I was six when they divorced) she talked trash about my dad. She told us he did not love us, that he is a bad person, that he was emotionally abusive, etc. She said what ever she could to make us turn on him. All the while she was a druggie and lost custody of us. My dad was a single parent with four kids. I was the only one to stay with him which is why I am so different from them.

[Leia]

Yip, redfathom, you should go for your father and the kids. Enjoy your dad's company and I'm sure he'd love for you to come and keep him company.

[quankanne]

sounds like a plan, putting in an appearance and hanging out with dad. And remember, kids usually are good about cutting through the crap to detect the truth about people. My thought is that if you're always up and up with them, even when you screw up or get egg on your face, they're going to remember that and appreciate it.

am sorry to hear that your mom and your sisters were raised by hyenas!

[redfathom]

Yeah, my dad is great and we usually hang out at these parties anyways. I also usually spend my time playing with the kids, while the women all sit around gossiping. On Easter we took the kids on the lake in a paddle boat and then we went for a walk later in the day. They all had a good time and so did I.

[redfathom]

Hi all,

I wanted to give an update and also, get advice on a new issue.

So I went to the b-day party on Sunday. We spent about two hours there, not really socializing with everyone, but we were cordial. My mom came over and asked me why I never went to say hi to her. I did say hello to everyone when we got there and then put together a pool toy for the kids. Everyone was sitting in a circle except my stepdad so I sat with him. So everything went okay. My mom said we should stop blaming each other and I told her I would still call her Tuesday (being today).

So here is the new thing. I have a twin brother, our birthday's are tomorrow (we turn 26). My mom told me she was not going to do anything for our birthdays because she does not have the money. No biggie. I was hoping to go to lunch Sunday, but I had not asked anyone yet.

So my oldest sister just called to let me know that my brothers friend's b-day is this weekend and his GF (brothers friend) stopped by my mom's work (I assume) yesterday to let her know that she wanted to do a joint birthday for the two of them. So my sister just called to let me know that I was invited but not to expect anything because they were not the ones planning it and the cake (she specifically mentioned) would only have my brothers and his friends name on it.

So I am a little hurt, but will do my best to not show it. But it sucks that I get to go to a birthday party for my brother and his friend. My mom could get me a small cake since my birthday will have just pasted. But that is not something I will ask her about.

Any thoughts? Maybe this is more of just a vent. But again, my mom is kind of being a jerk. So I get to spend the day celebrating my twin brother's b-day, while I don't get any celebration.

[redfathom]

I wanted to add, my sister stressed the whole cake thing to show me that they are not the ones throwing my twin a b-day so that I then can't get mad at them.

Also, if I was my mom I would be highly embarrassed at this party that my son's friends GF is giving my son a b-day bash and not me!!