[CAL 116]

I don't know how I allowed myself to continue in this relationship so I will start from the beginning.

I'm a senior in college- I started the year in a relationship with who I will call "Dan". He was really awesome the first two months we started dating. Then many small red flags came up-- I would start telling a story and he would say "wrap it up" or "get to the point" or "i don't care about what you're talking about". Random uncalled for meanness. The flame that seem to set a fire was when he kept getting texts from this number who i figured out was his ex...one night he was like oh i dont know who this is...but he had forgotten he told me it was his ex's #. Well i asked why he would lie and his response was "we were having a good time and i didn't want to upset you".

Soon there after it was stupid things- at night he would say "bed time" while i was talking to him, he would roll over, cut me off, and get angry and yell at me and say hurtful things if I continued to talk or asked him to snuggle. Things started to escalate to the point where he would insist on leaving- he would walk out. One night he told me that "he might hurt me if i didnt go to bed". The thing is in these situations it was like he flicked a switch and he called the shot and it was game over from then on out. One night he started throwing pillows at me as hard as he could.

The fights turned into him not liking my tone of voice- or how i asked him something. He then started saying cruel things whenever he wanted to be critical saying: you're needy, you're unstable, your mom needs a divorce, i don't like your mom, you're going to be just like your mom, i can't believe the business school gives marketing majors a business degree, i enjoy talking to my ex girlfriend more than you, i don't wanna see you for a week, etc. He began to bail on commitments to me and never follow through on promises.

Things escalated further- occasionally he would push me. I always made excuses and thought it was innocent. Then one night he pushed me as hard as he could into a couch- i ended up with a big painful bruise on my leg. I made up excuses for his behavior again. I can't believe i did!

At certain points in our relationship he admitted he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and that he could be very cruel. He agreed to get help. I believed him and always took him back. Up to this point he would break up with me maybe 3x's a month. Its now April and I have been dating him since August. I always forgave him and took him back. He went and talked to someone 1 time.

After that he would go through phases of saying he needed help and he would get help to make things right etc... but then there were many times when he said he didn't have a problem and he blamed me- my personality- my actions-etc. Then he diagnosed himself with "narcissistic personality disorder" but then never went to formally talk to someone or get diagnosed.

My breaking point was a few weeks ago when he wanted me to leave his apartment. We had been lying down having a nice convo and i was giving him a massage bc he was stressed about schoool work- out of nowhere he started insulting my marketing degree and told me "i didn't learn anything this year". Of course I told him to stop and that he was being mean- he got angry- pushed me off his bed and proceeded to get physical- he told me to leave- i walked in another room for space- he then took my stuff and threw it out of his apartment into the hallway. I said "rational ppl don't get like this when someone is leaving" and then he proceeded to grab me by the collar of my sweatshirt and shake me- making an angry face and making a fist with his other hand. he didnt hit me but was too close of a call.

His biological dad, whom his mother left when he was 3, has schizophrenia so bad it is considered a disability. I dont think he has it but he is clearly psychologically not at peace.

I know what it is like to not feel yourself so i have always been forgiving. I have a co-dependent personality type which makes this even harder for me to walk away from. I dont know why i still love him- its sick and twisted- i tried to leave him after the last abusive situation during which he almost hit me but he showed up crying and apologizing saying he would never do it again etc.- i let him back into my life- but he has started all over again with his old behaviors.

I know it is an unhealthy relationship and that i have been desensitized to many inappropriate behaviors. My family hates him so much to the point where i am "forbidden" from seeing him and they want me to get a restraining order practically. I hate making my family hurt bc i have been unable to leave an abuser. I can only imagine how worried and scared i would be if i were a parent.

I also talk to a psychologist about this but things have spiraled so out of control i could not tell her about his last violent behavior- i feel so stupid and ashamed of how i have acted and that i feel like i can no longer tell anyone honestly the truth about my relationship with him. I know that is a road block with a big ass red flag saying STOP, but for some reason its like i wont allow myself to believe it.

Does anyone have advice on how to walk away from this? People don't ever change - and can only become more abusive right? I need to hear something to give me the courage to stop for good. Reading other people's stories has been very inspiring.

Any good books?

Help!

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Originally Posted by CAL 116

I don't know how I allowed myself to continue in this relationship so I will start from the beginning.

I'm a senior in college- I started the year in a relationship with who I will call "Dan". He was really awesome the first two months we started dating. Then many small red flags came up-- I would start telling a story and he would say "wrap it up" or "get to the point" or "i don't care about what you're talking about". Random uncalled for meanness. The flame that seem to set a fire was when he kept getting texts from this number who i figured out was his ex...one night he was like oh i dont know who this is...but he had forgotten he told me it was his ex's #. Well i asked why he would lie and his response was "we were having a good time and i didn't want to upset you".

Soon there after it was stupid things- at night he would say "bed time" while i was talking to him, he would roll over, cut me off, and get angry and yell at me and say hurtful things if I continued to talk or asked him to snuggle. Things started to escalate to the point where he would insist on leaving- he would walk out. One night he told me that "he might hurt me if i didnt go to bed". The thing is in these situations it was like he flicked a switch and he called the shot and it was game over from then on out. One night he started throwing pillows at me as hard as he could.

The fights turned into him not liking my tone of voice- or how i asked him something. He then started saying cruel things whenever he wanted to be critical saying: you're needy, you're unstable, your mom needs a divorce, i don't like your mom, you're going to be just like your mom, i can't believe the business school gives marketing majors a business degree, i enjoy talking to my ex girlfriend more than you, i don't wanna see you for a week, etc. He began to bail on commitments to me and never follow through on promises.

Things escalated further- occasionally he would push me. I always made excuses and thought it was innocent. Then one night he pushed me as hard as he could into a couch- i ended up with a big painful bruise on my leg. I made up excuses for his behavior again. I can't believe i did!

At certain points in our relationship he admitted he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and that he could be very cruel. He agreed to get help. I believed him and always took him back. Up to this point he would break up with me maybe 3x's a month. Its now April and I have been dating him since August. I always forgave him and took him back. He went and talked to someone 1 time.

After that he would go through phases of saying he needed help and he would get help to make things right etc... but then there were many times when he said he didn't have a problem and he blamed me- my personality- my actions-etc. Then he diagnosed himself with "narcissistic personality disorder" but then never went to formally talk to someone or get diagnosed.

My breaking point was a few weeks ago when he wanted me to leave his apartment. We had been lying down having a nice convo and i was giving him a massage bc he was stressed about schoool work- out of nowhere he started insulting my marketing degree and told me "i didn't learn anything this year". Of course I told him to stop and that he was being mean- he got angry- pushed me off his bed and proceeded to get physical- he told me to leave- i walked in another room for space- he then took my stuff and threw it out of his apartment into the hallway. I said "rational ppl don't get like this when someone is leaving" and then he proceeded to grab me by the collar of my sweatshirt and shake me- making an angry face and making a fist with his other hand. he didnt hit me but was too close of a call.

His biological dad, whom his mother left when he was 3, has schizophrenia so bad it is considered a disability. I dont think he has it but he is clearly psychologically not at peace.

I know what it is like to not feel yourself so i have always been forgiving. I have a co-dependent personality type which makes this even harder for me to walk away from. I dont know why i still love him- its sick and twisted- i tried to leave him after the last abusive situation during which he almost hit me but he showed up crying and apologizing saying he would never do it again etc.- i let him back into my life- but he has started all over again with his old behaviors.

I know it is an unhealthy relationship and that i have been desensitized to many inappropriate behaviors. My family hates him so much to the point where i am "forbidden" from seeing him and they want me to get a restraining order practically. I hate making my family hurt bc i have been unable to leave an abuser. I can only imagine how worried and scared i would be if i were a parent.

I also talk to a psychologist about this but things have spiraled so out of control i could not tell her about his last violent behavior- i feel so stupid and ashamed of how i have acted and that i feel like i can no longer tell anyone honestly the truth about my relationship with him. I know that is a road block with a big ass red flag saying STOP, but for some reason its like i wont allow myself to believe it.

Does anyone have advice on how to walk away from this? People don't ever change - and can only become more abusive right? I need to hear something to give me the courage to stop for good. Reading other people's stories has been very inspiring.

Any good books?

Help!

Reading this I see so much of myself in it I'm sitting on my laptop afraid he will come in and catch me here.

I live on egg shells I'm told how to breath how to act yelled at if I don't follow the proper procedures after using the bathroom I kid you not!

One of my fears is he will some day find this site and figure out who I am all tho I think thats giving him to much credit maybe.

Ive been told I cannot have friends unless he approves of them 1st.We had a huge blow out last night I was told to stop laughing during a movie I only giggled.

Next thing you know hes telling me to laugh and getting mad that I didn't "respond" correctly. And to top the evening off I was told afterwords to go to my room mind you I'm 30.

I've been belittled and so badley downgraded now its to the point I no longer am sure I have the strength mentality or physically to leave.

I know this isn't healthy I know I may die someday if I stay ether at his hand or mine but really I'm already dead inside.

You are not alone and no things will never improve it will only be a consistent roller coaster of highs and horrible abusive lows with a man like this!

I had my head cracked open on our worst night and I've been pushed bruised and mentality/verbally abused on the better ones.

I can honestly tell you it will get worse much much worse so if you still have it in you do yourself the favor stop analyzing the situation and just leave now... please...save yourself from this kind of man and life.

[CAL 116]

Dear Spanks,

Thanks for responding! I am leaving- today I am getting my laptop back from him and then going no contact. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can only imagine how painful it is.

What brought me to the light was realizing that he does not love me- I only serve as a supply to his narcissism. If you look deep into your heart you know of your severe mistreatment and that someone who treats you like that does not truly love you. Its not fun to think about- but why endure so much pain/hurt to stay with someone who doesn't love you?

I know my biggest fear was being alone. I got a puppy and it has really helped. It is not the answer to my problems but its a healthier way to confront them then constantly returning to an abuser.

Leave now- I may be 22- but 30 is not much older and you have just as much life left live as i do. We both have our whole lives ahead of us- and i know we don't want to walk through life the way we have been with an abuser.

The longer you stay with him the harder it will be to recover and be healthy enough to be with the man you deserve to be with. I thought to myself- hell no- I am not letting him take away my chance to find the wonderful amazing man out there who will someday treat me the way i deserve. This man has already taken away too much for you- don't let him take away your future on top of things. He could ultimately take your life.

Think back to life before him- it was definetely better. Any good things that you see in him or saw in him are drowned by his abusive behavior. They no longer count. Stop the delusional belief that there is hope. It was hard for me to realize this but its not impossible to do.

Start planning your escape. Please. Contact a women's abuse centre and let them help you leave safely. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don't want to have children with this man- he will abuse them as he abuses you- and if u left him later- he would have time alone with them- which is even worse to think about.

Set yourself free. Be at peace with who he truly is- let him go.

Someone sent me these links-


http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPE...R/general.msnw


http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPE...R/leaving.msnw

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

[underpants]

I'm glad you decided to totally end it with this guy Cal. A brave and smart move. If you stick to it you will be so happy that you got out of a bad situation.

Be prepared for him to contact you and do things to provoke a response from you. Attention (supply) good or bad is what he will miss. Just knowing they can push your buttons seems to lend some satisfaction to these types.

Just ignore his attempts if they are petty. Ignore the facebook for a while, ignore his calls or visits. He will give up eventually.

If you are lucky he will accept that it is over and leave you in peace. However, my experience with those who exhibit narcissistic and controlling traits is that is not usually the case.

Make sure that someone accompanies you to get your laptop. Have them be by your side the whole time. Don't let him be alone with you. That is how you got sucked back in before.

You can do this. Be strong and determined.

This may be the loss that he needs to feel to grow up a bit himself. Or, maybe not. It is simply not your problem any longer.

Once you are past this you will be on your way to much better relationships.

I'm rooting for you.

[jmargel]

http://www.ndvh.org/

Both of you goto this site. Get away from these guys. They look at you as a possession, not as someone they love. If you continue to stay in these relationships, they will eventually kill you. Contact the police and family. You do not have to live like this. It's time to get your life back!

Do not let them control you by fear. The fear of the unknown is nowhere near as bad as your future if you stay with them. Wait until they are not around, and leave.. Today.

[CAL 116]

So I had my final interview with a company back home. It went really well and I think I will get an offer. My dilemma is- that "Dan"- will definitely get an offer from them. He started his own company similar to theirs. I find out about the offers tomorrow. The thing is he most likely won't take the offer because he will join this start up company. He lives 30 mins away from me- and i knew i would be ok bc i would be with my family etc- but what if he does take the offer. He would work @ the same company/location as me. He has done manipulative things, i know, but do u really think he would try to destroy my career their? Yesterday when I told him I was leaving for good and that I wanted my things he said "I am considering the offer again" and i responded "sooo?" he was like "isnt that a problem for you" and i was like "no, everything is fine". I knew that if i told him that i was angry and that i didnt want him to work with me that he would possibly purposefully play that card again.

Should I pretend not to leave him for good for a couple weeks so that he doesn't take the offer just to piss me off? I want to work at this company and for him to go after the other company.

[jmargel]

Cal.. he will do anything and everything to control you. Of course he will take the job at the same place you are at, only to not only control you but to destroy your career there.

What you don't seem to understand is that he has no remorse for what he's done. The acting he's done, is just that.. an act. To reel you back in. It's a form of abuse that he uses on you, when he acts like he's remoreful or sorry about everything.

You need to leave today, get a restraining order against him, also get something to protect yourself, even if it's pepper spray or mace that you can put on your keychain. You should also goto that website and call them to see what other options you have.

Do not play games with this guy, he is not right mentally and IMO would have no problem continuing to make your life miserable. For your own safety, leave today. Let the company know that you will not be taking this job if he is hired due to personal problems/reasons you have with him. No job is worth your safety.