Could I really justifiably not attend this shower?
My sister-in-law's (H's sister) shower is coming up and I have just found out that it falls on the same day as a very lucrative day at work.
Me and SIL are not particularly close at all and this is her 2nd baby. I offered to help with the shower but my MIL and other SIL took over completely even though I had suggested I wanted to do the favors and invitations, I was told it was all under control. So, whatever. TBH I was quite relieved because I was already busy organizing my own babys christening as well as looking for a house and moving!
Anyway, deep down I would rather go to work and not attend the shower and obviously I am trying to justify why I 'shouldnt' go.
If it wasnt for the fact that my SIL organized and paid for MY shower which was beautiful, I would feel ok about not going, but she did, so I would feel guilty for not attending hers.
Thing is, I really cannot financially afford to miss this day at work. (which, by the way, is the same excuse/reason her husband used for not attending my babys christening a couple of weeks ago)
So should I just go and lose the day at work?
Should I be honest with them as to why I cant go?
Should I make an excuse on the day why I cant go, ie; Im sick? - this ones very bad I know, but I dont want to hurt anyones feelings or lets face it, look bad.
So what would you do? Any advice?
Just tell her you can't attend the shower and send her a real nice gift..
My H and I already bought her a very nice (and expensive) gift but this does not make me feel better about not going.
And she and her Mom are going to want to know why Im not going.. I cant just say I have to work can I?
It kind of feels like there could be 2 or 3 separate issues going on for you, doesn't it?
At the end of the day, choose to do whatever will make you feel best about YOURSELF. It is also a good idea to know 'why' that choice makes you feel better than any other (that is, what is the real, honest, deep-down reason/motivation that you chose it.)
It sounds like you may be carrying some resentment at being excluded from the planning & preparations for this shower AND at the soon-to-be new dad for missing an important occasion that your child recently celebrated.
Your feelings were hurt by both of these acts from your "in-law side", and seem to have transformed into anger. Whether or not you attend your SIL's shower, it may be a good idea to resolve that, either on your own or with them. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just "I felt hurt when..." They may or may not be able to make proper amends but that is their issue -- you do not have to let their ineffective ways eat away at your insides.
But. Then this lucrative workday comes along and offers you a "valid reason" to get even, as it were. When mixed with your hurt feelings, it may seem like a "big bonus" .
Is there anyway you can drop by the shower before or after your shift? That is, so that YOU know that you cared enough to make the effort. (Even if they don't fully appreciate your effort, that's once again their lack of life skills, not yours.)
Can you work half a shift? Or is it a deep-down, honest statement that financially if you do not earn this income, your family finances will be in just total disarray?
Can you let her know how truly disappointed you are that your work obligations are conflicting with what you really want to do, which is support her, the family and the new baby? Can you offer to talk her for brunch the day before or after?
It's a tough thing. They could have treated you better. But maybe they genuinely felt that they were "helping" your busy schedule, reducing your stress or whatever by not requiring that you do anything for the shower.
As for a man opting to miss a baby christening -- well, I don't know anyone who would NOT do that. Baby christenings are boring as heck to most (if not all) men - probably including the Dad! AND men do not have the same sense of how to support extended family.
I'd bet that Uncle will be right there when your child needs a tree house built, or a tricycle put together. So, on this one, I say just allow the differences and accept the kind of love and support that your husband's BiL can and does give to your family. (That is, forgive them when they know not what they do .)
Keep lines of communication open with your in-laws. They sound like maybe they can use some help in getting to understand what you value, what is important to you, and what makes you feel hurt/uncomfortable -- and that is YOUR job, to teach them.
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my SIL organized and paid for MY shower which was beautiful,
For this reason, you should be respectful of her feelings and separate the actions of your MIL and other SIL from her, since she had nothing to do with them cutting you out of the preparations.
Quote:
Can you let her know how truly disappointed you are that your work obligations are conflicting with what you really want to do, which is support her, the family and the new baby? Can you offer to talk her for brunch the day before or after?
I think this is an excellent suggestion, if you truly can't miss that day of work and it's not just a convenient excuse to get out of going because you're miffed at your MIL and other SIL.
In my opinion, if it's her second baby, it shouldn't even be a big deal...are the kids far apart in ages?
Go to work, send a gift. Tell them you have to work, they don't need to know the details of why. Just be sure to send a gift.
Showers for the second baby aren't too common where I live. I get annoyed when people have them unless the first baby is way older and they wouldn't have anything.
It kind of feels like there could be 2 or 3 separate issues going on for you, doesn't it?
At the end of the day, choose to do whatever will make you feel best about YOURSELF. It is also a good idea to know 'why' that choice makes you feel better than any other (that is, what is the real, honest, deep-down reason/motivation that you chose it.)
It sounds like you may be carrying some resentment at being excluded from the planning & preparations for this shower AND at the soon-to-be new dad for missing an important occasion that your child recently celebrated.
Your feelings were hurt by both of these acts from your "in-law side", and seem to have transformed into anger. Whether or not you attend your SIL's shower, it may be a good idea to resolve that, either on your own or with them. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just "I felt hurt when..." They may or may not be able to make proper amends but that is their issue -- you do not have to let their ineffective ways eat away at your insides.
But. Then this lucrative workday comes along and offers you a "valid reason" to get even, as it were. When mixed with your hurt feelings, it may seem like a "big bonus" .
Is there anyway you can drop by the shower before or after your shift? That is, so that YOU know that you cared enough to make the effort. (Even if they don't fully appreciate your effort, that's once again their lack of life skills, not yours.)
Can you work half a shift? Or is it a deep-down, honest statement that financially if you do not earn this income, your family finances will be in just total disarray?
Can you let her know how truly disappointed you are that your work obligations are conflicting with what you really want to do, which is support her, the family and the new baby? Can you offer to talk her for brunch the day before or after?
It's a tough thing. They could have treated you better. But maybe they genuinely felt that they were "helping" your busy schedule, reducing your stress or whatever by not requiring that you do anything for the shower.
As for a man opting to miss a baby christening -- well, I don't know anyone who would NOT do that. Baby christenings are boring as heck to most (if not all) men - probably including the Dad! AND men do not have the same sense of how to support extended family.
I'd bet that Uncle will be right there when your child needs a tree house built, or a tricycle put together. So, on this one, I say just allow the differences and accept the kind of love and support that your husband's BiL can and does give to your family. (That is, forgive them when they know not what they do .)
Keep lines of communication open with your in-laws. They sound like maybe they can use some help in getting to understand what you value, what is important to you, and what makes you feel hurt/uncomfortable -- and that is YOUR job, to teach them.
Not only does this post express my take of it, it also provides an excellent solution!
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My H and I already bought her a very nice (and expensive) gift but this does not make me feel better about not going.
And she and her Mom are going to want to know why Im not going.. I cant just say I have to work can I?
Of course you can... If they can't understand that work is YOUR priority then too bad.. you can tell them that you don't have much of a choice..
They are my in-laws and I respect them because they are my husbands family and he loves them. But honestly, they are not people I would know or socialize with otherwise. (as in most in-law cases I guess!)
And I really didnt mind being left out of the organizing as I had enough to do and no it wasnt because they thought I was too busy, her other SIL wanted to do EVERYTHING as always. Its just the person she is, bless her.
But deep down honestly, I really wouldnt mind going at all, (I work 2 jobs and I wouldnt mind the day off ) it really is just that it falls on a day at work where I would make money and frankly, with a young baby, thats my priority.
But I know if I say I am not going because I have to work, I am going to look like a real selfish B**** to them, and I really dont want to be seen that way
But deep down honestly, I really wouldnt mind going at all, ...it really is just that it falls on a day at work where I would make money and frankly, with a young baby, thats my priority.
But I know if I say I am not going because I have to work, I am going to look like a real selfish B**** to them, and I really dont want to be seen that way
It's possible that you're short-changing the level of understanding that your in-laws possess. After all, they did recognize how much you had on your plate and try to relieve your burden by excusing you from baby shower plans & prep. So, why would they take your admirable quality of working/earning and turn it into you being a selfish biatch? Obviously they also recognize the importance of working when it's available, based on your husband's BiL missing a family function for the EXACT same reason.
One way to put it is that "my boss is counting on me" (or something like that) and also to say repeatedly that you'd rather be at the shower, sharing and having fun with your family.
Again, if you can make an appearance on the day, that action would go a LONG way in supporting your words. (Or really, any other special effort for the benefit of the soon-to-be parents.)
By the way, I didn't realise showers were held for 2nd babies ... who knew???
I KNOW!!! And you should see the stuff shes registered for!!! Some of it, I already have myself and dont need anymore because my baby has outgrown some stuff like carrier, swaddle wrap, carseat stroller frame, etc and so I offered to give this stuff to her but she went ahead and registered for exact same things anyway!!
guess some people are too good for hand me downs, huh?
Isn't it about celebrating the NEW BABY as a unique individual who is worthy and deserving of having her/his unique and individual items as he/she starts this Life?
Of course not saying that Baby has awareness, but isn't that the perspective of Baby's adoring parents and other loving adults?
Isn't it about celebrating the NEW BABY as a unique individual who is worthy and deserving of having her/his unique and individual items as he/she starts this Life?
I think that is what 1st birthday celebrations are for. The baby her/himself is the centre of attention.
My sister-in-law's (H's sister) shower is coming up and I have just found out that it falls on the same day as a very lucrative day at work.
Me and SIL are not particularly close at all and this is her 2nd baby. I offered to help with the shower but my MIL and other SIL took over completely even though I had suggested I wanted to do the favors and invitations, I was told it was all under control. So, whatever. TBH I was quite relieved because I was already busy organizing my own babys christening as well as looking for a house and moving!
Anyway, deep down I would rather go to work and not attend the shower and obviously I am trying to justify why I 'shouldnt' go.
If it wasnt for the fact that my SIL organized and paid for MY shower which was beautiful, I would feel ok about not going, but she did, so I would feel guilty for not attending hers.
Thing is, I really cannot financially afford to miss this day at work. (which, by the way, is the same excuse/reason her husband used for not attending my babys christening a couple of weeks ago)
So should I just go and lose the day at work?
Should I be honest with them as to why I cant go?
Should I make an excuse on the day why I cant go, ie; Im sick? - this ones very bad I know, but I dont want to hurt anyones feelings or lets face it, look bad.
So what would you do? Any advice?
Who has a baby shower during the week? People have to work...
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) it really is just that it falls on a day at work where I would make money and frankly, with a young baby, thats my priority.
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