[divinelyfavored]

my mate and I have both agreed that we are meant for each other and plan to get engaged soon. The problem is I have not met his 7 year old daughter. From what he tells me, she doesn't let the little girl out of her sight and he's been seeing his daughter and spends time with her at the mother's house. Of course he told me this in the beginning which i respect but he also said there will be changes made becsue he realizes this can not continue to go on as we continue to get closer and plan to marry someday. He actually used to sleep over at her house (he says in a separate bedroom) when he went to see his daughter but that ended immediately after we began our relationship. he states he will be going to file for visitation rights because he knows she will not uphold her side of the agreement with visitation away from her house without getting the law involved. I've never seen anything like this, he pays his child support, is very responsible, yet she uses this child as some way to control him I think.. I don'tknow what to think because i've never talked to her but he says she knows about me and explained to her that's why he will not be spending nights there any longer..
We have the same goals and values in every other aspect of our relationship and he's met my children and we've both met the rest of each other's family, I'm just not understanding why it's so hard for him to see that this woman is not only short changing her daughter but he can't truly move on with his life with this kind of arrangement. How should I handle this, just step away and wait until he gets visitation? I've communicated my feelings about the visitation arrangement and he knows it's unfair to me and he even said he would feel uneasy if the situation were the other way around, but says he's working on it but until it's he gets visitation filed, he doesn't want his daughter to feel as though he's abandoned her either...HELP!

[Ronni_W]

He is acting in a way that he feels and believes is best for his daughter (your future step-daughter, for all practical intents and purposes.) He has been able to achieve his goal despite having to deal with an unreasonable ex-wife. He ought to be commended for being able to put his child's best interests first, before his and other adults' whims, anxieties and fears.

It would be great if you can continue to support him in his high and noble intentions and actions.
He is with you. All matters relating to the ex, including visitation and whatever else she may dream up to derail the two of you, will only be issues IF YOU allow her to get into your head in a negative/toxic way. That is a choice that is TOTALLY and solely up to you.

Your statement that "he can't truly move on with his life with this kind of arrangement" is what you genuinely believe. But it is misguided to assign your belief to anyone else.

It may be more accurate that YOU can't move on with your life together, with this kind of arrangement -- since YOU are the one willing to "step away". That is, to withdraw your love and support from him (just) because the current arrangement isn't as you would prefer or think it "should" be.

He has acknowledged that he wants to change how visits are conducted. My guess is that he will do that in whatever way he feels will have the least negative impact on his daughter. How can you help him with that?

[divinelyfavored]

Thank you Ronni for your input. You made some excellent points. I certainly don't WANT to step away, and I have been nothing but supportive for him in this situation. I think however, the longer he prolongs getting visitation rights, the harder it will actually be on his daughter. It hasn't stopped us from growing closer at all, but when we go on trips and do things together and his daughter is missing out on that, it really hurts him. It hurts me that she is not sharing these memories with us and to see him this way. That is a part of his life (the most important part) and he has limitations on it, which is not fair to him, thus it does put a 'hold' on his life because he can't even see his child on his terms. She is taking away his parental rights. He's allowed that as you stated because he does feel it is in the best interest of the child right now.. I'm not at all worried about us, but that will be a part of him that will be missing when we get married if this continues. She hasn't even seen his side of the family because of the mother. Even if I weren't in his life he's too good a man to have this happening to him. There are fathers that don't even want to see their children much less help raise them and here is one that she knows will do what it takes to see his child and she she uses that as leverage. Depending on the mother's reaction is how the child will react and based on her prior comments about him taking her on the weekends to spend time with him she was very angry and confrontational which upsets the child. I encourage him to appease her but stand firm on his belief he has the right to see his daughter. I think also part of the reason she is being resistant due to the fact that he has someone in his life and using their poor child as a pawn to control him. I will continue to be patient and pray that he doesn't allow his daughter's mother to manipulate the situation, but I can't sit idly by and not communicate my concerns.

[Ronni_W]

Yes, it has come through that you've been super-supportive - that is why I urged you to continue to do that, if you possibly can.

, but I can't sit idly by and not communicate my concerns.

Why not? Why communicate the SAME concerns to a man who is already bearing those concerns at a much deeper level and heavier load? How does that help him, you, your daughter or your relationship?
Why can't you communicate your appreciation, and hopes and dreams, instead? Give him a back-rub and tell him how great he is doing. Tell him that you are fine with however long it takes to resolve this. Ask how you can help. Express your concern and sadness over all the things you know he is sad and concerned about. Be a team player!

The thing is, is that he has had to make difficult choices. I'm sure he is more than cognizant of what ALL THREE of you are missing, with this arrangement. It isn't ideal BUT it sounds like he is level-headed enough to have looked at it from all sides, and chosen what is best for the moment.

Which, of course, "best for now" doesn't mean best for always. But it just seems that he is making needed changes as best he can, given the whole of the situation, with resources currently available, etc.

I'm also pretty sure he recognizes that this is not entirely "fair" on him, you or your daughter. Again, he has had to make a difficult choice...he has accepted this "unfairness" for now, in favour of the pros -- which likely most of those relate to your daughter's well-being (insofar as possible, given the circumstances.)
Sort of, he has had to settle for, "I can live with this and that unfairness because I believe living with it supports my other goals for my daughter."

Now, yes. You are being asked to make sacrifices that relate to his sacrifices. Yours are LESS onerous and difficult by fact that she is biological child. And of course you have control and choice over whether or not you do choose to make the sacrifices that are currently required from the adult partner of this man.

I'm guessing that he is painfully aware of all of it - that she's not getting to know you, his family, your family, that she's missing out on your outings and vacations, etc., etc. These are the consequences that he has accepted, in favour of being able to offer something else to your daughter.
I'm guessing it hurts him also, and cuts him deeper.

But it is current reality for him, for you, and for your daughter. The urge to "step away" just because current reality for ALL THREE of you bites...I dunno, what would you call that?

I get that you are genuinely interested and concerned. And I get that it is a frustrating position to be in. But, to be honest, how you've expressed it here also just comes off like a lot of adult whining.
I get that you may feel that all of your concerned worrying is somehow compassionate and helpful to him. But if you dump all of it on him it will only ADD to his burden and stress. To willingly and knowingly do that is acting rather less than a supportive, adult partner and more like a self-centred kid.

It would be perfectly acceptable and appropriate if you can focus on appreciating what you guys already have going on -- he sounds like a wonderful human being, and your genuine caring and support is also extraordinary. And, of course, you can anticipate how much better things are going to get...even if that exact timing has yet to make itself known.

Originally Posted by divinelyfavored

I think however, the longer he prolongs getting visitation rights, the harder it will actually be on his daughter.

That is your thought/belief, and the only thing we can be sure of is that it is 100% accurate for you. But, once again, I suspect he has agonized over the pros and cons of the current situation, and had to make a difficult decision about how and when he sets about making the visitation changes.

What can you be grateful for NOW, how can you celebrate it together, and how can you support each other through the struggles and challenging situations? Give mind power to the positives and the solutions! That's what I would strongly encourage.

[norajane]

the longer he prolongs getting visitation rights

Why is he prolonging filing for visitation rights? What is his reason for not having filed?

[divinelyfavored]

he says he was weighing the option of trying to work things out between them concerning visitation before going through the court system....

[norajane]

Originally Posted by divinelyfavored

he says he was weighing the option of trying to work things out between them concerning visitation before going through the court system....

And how many years has he been weighing this option? Has he ever broached the subject with her?

[divinelyfavored]

He told me that he has been wanting to do this for about 2 years now, but since he wasn't involved with anyone 2 years ago, he didn't really push the issue with her. He has discussed it with her but she pretty much told him he will not take 'HER' daughter away from her. He even admitted that he shouldn't have allowed this to go so far. I just hope his child's mother comes around because I really would like all of us to get along. I had a talk with him a couple of nights ago and explained that whatever and whenever he decides I'll support him. He hasn't given me any reason to distrust him and although I feel some uneasiness when he has to go see his daughter and stay at her house..i certainly wouldn't want him to choose the alternative of not seeing his child at all..his child comes first and needs her daddy no matter what the circumstances..I'm certainly not looking for any reasons to sabatoge what we have. Frankly, it's exhausting and just places a strain on our relationship. I just hope all is resolved when we get married...hopefully his daughter will be able to walk down the aisle as one of the flower girls along with my twins on our wedding day! Am I being naive about this?

[norajane]

The mother is not just going to come around after all this time. He needs to get on the ball and assert his legal rights to visitation at his home.

The wife either doesn't trust him alone with his own daughter, is unnaturally attached to their daughter, or is super controlling - or all three.

Yes, it's naive for both of you to think his wife is suddenly going to be ok with letting daughter out of her sight. If your bf doesn't file and get a court order, nothing will change. He should be smart enough to realize that and start making this happen.

[divinelyfavored]

I totally agree that he should go ahead and pursue visitation legally in order to be able to see his daughter. I also believe there are three sides to a story his side, her side, and the truth. I have never spoken with her and certainly won't because frankly this is his situation. I can only support him on whatever decision he makes, however I am concerned about how long he is taking to pursue legal visitation. By nature he is a procrastinator and not confrontational which could be a factors in his delay. Thank you for your feedback, it certainly helped me view things more clearly!

[norajane]

Originally Posted by divinelyfavored

I totally agree that he should go ahead and pursue visitation legally in order to be able to see his daughter. I also believe there are three sides to a story his side, her side, and the truth. I have never spoken with her and certainly won't because frankly this is his situation. I can only support him on whatever decision he makes, however I am concerned about how long he is taking to pursue legal visitation. By nature he is a procrastinator and not confrontational which could be a factors in his delay. Thank you for your feedback, it certainly helped me view things more clearly!

Perhaps in the meantime, he can request that his ex-wife accompany THEIR daughter to his home for visitations. You know, so his daughter can get used to his place, to get ex-wife more comfortable with where the daughter will be visiting, and to meet you. Perhaps you can start preparing her bedroom for the little girl, so she sees she has a nice, pretty girl bedroom when she visits. And if ex-wife comes with the daughter, she won't have to let her out of her sight.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

If I may make a few suggestions...

1) The next time he goes to see his daughter, you come along with him. This way the ex will see a united front and that you are not budging and because you are in this man's life, you are going to be in his daughter's life as well.

2) Work with him. If he doesn't have the time to file the paperwork and do research and you do, go for it. It is time that BOTH of you start working on this. And if he is the man I think he is, he would not mind.

Why are these important, the ex is like people said, trying to control you two by using her. And IF YOU BOTH let her have her way or it appears as if you two are not operationing as one, she wins. So, now is time to sack that woman, take control of the ball, and take it to the touchdown.


DNR

[nadiaj27]

I agree with all of these suggestions and I think you should slow the engagement/ marriage process down until after these issues with his daughter are dealt with. It would be important for me at least to get to know his daughter before we got married. Good luck.