Hello,
I've found this forum while searching for some answers and the people here seemed to be very helpful and opened. While searching for some answers i find out that this situation is not quite unique as i thought.
First - please try and don't judge my actions too harsh, i know I've made a mistake and thinking back i don't even know who i am anymore.
So here's my story.
When I've met her she having a stable partner for several years and got married one month later.
We liked each other from the beginning, there was a connection between us and in a couple of months we were best friends. She did not talked about her problems at home - but i was always there to support her and making her feel good - it was like a need i was having to protect her, to make sure she's ok, it began to be the most important person in my life - but in a platonic way. never had any other kind of thoughts about her.
After the most wonderful months of my life we became each other confidant, and then i realized i loved her. She kept telling me stories about how great her husbands is in bed so i could not take it anymore and told her how i felt. She then confessed she felt the same way about me. Imagine how great feels to hear the person you love that she loves you back. Anyway, we started having a short affair while her husband was in a business trip in DC. We talked about how our future would be like but that all stopped when her husband came back home - she told me that she loves me, but she loves her husband too and will do what it takes to make her marriage work. Her husband knows nothing about our affair. We tried to stay friends - but that did not work - i could just not let go of her - so we had a fight and never talked. I was a complete mess, i've lost half of my friends because i did not care about anything. Almost lost my job because i could not do anything anymore.
After about one month i've started to get my life back in order and then she contacted me. She said she got over me, that she loves her husband, and she is happy and wanted to be friends again.
That messed me up again. I can't understand :
1. how can you be over someone you loved in only one month unless you're a damn robot ?
2. if she's happy with her husband, why would she want to be friend with me - the one that would remind her about cheating the one she loves everytime she sees me?
I really miss her as a friend, but i would be lying if said i didn't want more from her - no, not another affair.
So, this is my story ... any thoughts on this and what i should do will be appreciated, i've kinda lost my trust in my ability to make the right decisions the past couple of months.
I will not make comments about what you did but I will try to answer some of your questions. I think you really have unreasonable expectations about this person.
First, she says she loves her husband and is in her first year of marriage but she screws around on him and has a sexual affair with you. What does that say about her?
Second, there is an old saying which is so true which states: if she will cheat with you she will cheat on you. Keep that in mind.
Third, she contacted you again because she is a cake-eater. She tells you how much she loves her husband but she would like you back in her life so you can fawn over her and feed her ego. She is a real piece of work.
What you have done is participated in hurting an innocent victim which is her husband. What I would suggest is to contact the husband and fess up what the both of you did because he has the right to know. If the roles were reversed and you were the husband, wouldn't you want to know?
Certainly this will put an end to your friendship but that is a positive because she is highly addicting and toxic to you. You have almost lost your job. You need to cut her off from your life so you can find someone else who can respect a committment to a relationship. Telling the husband is the first step in making amends and making your life better in the future. I wish you luck.
Maybe i'm wrong but we have almost a year since we've known each other and she is not that kind of person. I think she got caught between me and her husband and ... i understand her to try and fix her marriage.
Also ... keep using me for what ? ... emotional needs?
I think this is her decision to tell her husband or not also.
And - the closeness was so high(for both of us - that i am sure) - that's why she cheated on her husband - it just happened, i never thought that i was EVER going to have an affair with a married woman - but the emotions were just too intense.
I'm not trying to make excuses for her, just trying myself to understand. She now feels guilty - and doing all she can to make up for her husband (except of course - trying to be friends with me - i can't understand this one)
Last edited by Mark_US; 13th April 2008 at 11:24 AM.
1. how can you be over someone you loved in only one month unless you're a damn robot ?
Because she lied to you.. she didn't really loved you.. simple.. just like a lot of MMs out there do with their OW.. it's no different for women.
2. if she's happy with her husband, why would she want to be friend with me -
For the same reason men have affairs.. some women want excitement out of their M..
the one that would remind her about cheating the one she loves everytime she sees me?
Do you seriously think that the cheating partner is thinking about their spouse when they are with the other person.. NO.. they don't.
I really miss her as a friend, but i would be lying if said i didn't want more from her - no, not another affair.
Then I say.. stay away from her.. cause you'll never have more ... she'll eventually get tired of you... or won't stand the pressure and will dump you again..
Just move on.. for your own sanity.. don't waste your time and energy on this player..
__________________ "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." -- Groucho Marx
OP, her words and actions match. She is with her husband and wants to be with her husband, likely for reasons which are unknown to you. You're her emotional whore. I don't mean this in a bad way. Maybe a better term is receptacle.
I've been through this and the best way to deal with it is no contact (including not accepting contact) and grieve what you lost (your feelings) and in time things will get better. People change, marriages end and, if you and she are truly compatible, you might find each other later in life. In the meantime, focus on making yourself healthy. Contact those friends and re-engage your life
Hello,
I've found this forum while searching for some answers and the people here seemed to be very helpful and opened. While searching for some answers i find out that this situation is not quite unique as i thought.
First - please try and don't judge my actions too harsh, i know I've made a mistake and thinking back i don't even know who i am anymore.
So here's my story.
When I've met her she having a stable partner for several years and got married one month later.
We liked each other from the beginning, there was a connection between us and in a couple of months we were best friends. She did not talked about her problems at home - but i was always there to support her and making her feel good - it was like a need i was having to protect her, to make sure she's ok, it began to be the most important person in my life - but in a platonic way. never had any other kind of thoughts about her.
After the most wonderful months of my life we became each other confidant, and then i realized i loved her. She kept telling me stories about how great her husbands is in bed so i could not take it anymore and told her how i felt. She then confessed she felt the same way about me. Imagine how great feels to hear the person you love that she loves you back. Anyway, we started having a short affair while her husband was in a business trip in DC. We talked about how our future would be like but that all stopped when her husband came back home - she told me that she loves me, but she loves her husband too and will do what it takes to make her marriage work. Her husband knows nothing about our affair. We tried to stay friends - but that did not work - i could just not let go of her - so we had a fight and never talked. I was a complete mess, i've lost half of my friends because i did not care about anything. Almost lost my job because i could not do anything anymore.
After about one month i've started to get my life back in order and then she contacted me. She said she got over me, that she loves her husband, and she is happy and wanted to be friends again.
That messed me up again. I can't understand :
1. how can you be over someone you loved in only one month unless you're a damn robot ?
2. if she's happy with her husband, why would she want to be friend with me - the one that would remind her about cheating the one she loves everytime she sees me?
I really miss her as a friend, but i would be lying if said i didn't want more from her - no, not another affair.
So, this is my story ... any thoughts on this and what i should do will be appreciated, i've kinda lost my trust in my ability to make the right decisions the past couple of months.
Yeah Mark, I would say move on with your life. She will make a wreck of your emotions if you allow it to happen. I understand that she was just looking for a temporary avenue to vent her feelings and this is ok, this is good. But when it comes to the point that those feelings spill over into the sexual arena, it becomes confusing and dangerous. You were there to listen and be supportive, she recieved that unconditionally, but I believe she knew in her heart that things weren't quite over between herself and her husband. The human need is to feel that we are understood and that someone (anyone) could care for how we feel....at the moment. When the dust settles, we get a better picture of where we are, but sometimes if we've crossed the border and entered a new country, the surroundings aren't as familiar (just a metaphor). I've been where you are Mark and it hurts, it hurts deep. But, you'll be ok. You second question carries the answer, if she wants to work things out with her spouse that's good...but you'll need to cut the tie with her. Think about it, if she gets into another disagreeable situation with him and wants to run from whatever problem there is, if she's still holding your hand (friendship-hand)...she will try to come back to you for solace, emotion comfort and physical comfort. When she's done and the dust settles from the disagreement, she may leave again. It's better to take time to heal and move forward.
Robbed is how I've felt before, but no longer from this very type of thing.
Last edited by Robbed; 13th April 2008 at 12:01 PM.
Reason: Adding something additional
If you two stay friends all that does is keep the emotional side of the affair going. You can't handle any friendship with her, and it is totally unfair of her and selfish of her to expect a friendship from you. It's unfair to her husband too.
The best thing you can do is, tell her goodbye and let go.
First of all, thank you all for replying.
I thought about this for some time now and came to one conclusion. My mistake in all my toughs after the affair i was thinking about my friend i knew for almost a year, but it seems now that for her that friendship ceased to exist for her in the moment i told her i loved her. I realize now that in the weeks after when we tried to be friends she did things meant to keep me from forgetting about her (subtle mentions about our night together, saying how much she missed me after a romantic weekend with her husband and so on) - little things just to give me a little hope, so i wouldn't let go.
So i've talked to her.
I've told her that it would be hard for her to be friends, because i would remind her of the affair - she told me she got past that. This is where i've lost it, and said to her all that was on my mind, but somehow she turned the story around and actually said that i was the one to blame for what had happened because i've been giving her too much attention and i've been too good to her. I wished her a happy life and told her i don't want to hear from her again.
I've lost the woman i love, i've lost my best friend ... but who am i to complain after what i did ?
Be more cautious about who you give your heart away to. It's all you've got to give, and married people aren't a good bet to take care of it.
And be more cautious about who you consider your best friend. Best friends don't drain you of all your emotional energy for their selfish ego-feeding purposes. She was never your best friend, although you may have tried to be hers.
Women get confused easily about their feelings. She might have thought she loved you, but she obviously spoke too soon about it. Now that everything's well with the hubby again it's like that never was. She thinks she can be your friend... the best thing you could do was to tell her to have a happy life. I know how disappointed you must be now... you thought this was a person you could rely on and actually she was behaving in an extremely selfish way. The moment she realized you had deeper feelings than she did she should've acted more responsibly... she would've done this if she really was your best friend. People make mistakes... so did she. And I can only adhere to norajane's words, be careful of who you give your heart to.
If you want to shine some light on what happened, if there really was a friendship, try to think of what it is you actually got from it. How much did it cost you and how much did you get from it? If it was something that was true friendship, you might be able to keep it, maybe not with her, but at least somewhere in your heart.
Women get confused easily about their feelings. She might have thought she loved you, but she obviously spoke too soon about it. Now that everything's well with the hubby again it's like that never was.
It feels like i was there to fill the void her husband left, and now that everything is ok ... i can just switch back to friends mode.
The first time i really needed her(and not the other way around), she could not care less about me, she had her marriage to work on and play with me at the same time. I can see what you're saying about "best friends".
I only have one question (never happened to me to wanna remain friends with an ex): if the other one is still not over you it doesn't seem quite fair to tell him/her that you're over it and you're super happy with your life, right? - it seems a little cruel to me.
Again, she's being selfish. She's super duper happy and hopes to have you as a friend, doesn't actually stop for a second to think about how you're doing... she should first ask how you're doing, find out what you can deal with. After all, she's the one in the "stronger" position, since apparently she's moved on...
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