Why do people feel that they cant be friends with the boss? For example, why do some people feel its ok for a coworker to be a "facebook" friend, but a boss would be crossing the line? (just an example).
or that inviting the boss to a social would be "uncomfortable"?
shouldnt it be about the person, not the position? bosses are just people arent they?
i asked this question to someone about inviting the boss with the lunch group and i was told it was because then "you couldnt complain to your friends". my thought was, well who wants to listen to a complainer anyhow?
maybe its because I have not been a rank and file employee for more than a decade, but i think i am a nice guy. i just feel left out and its been explained to me its becaue I am the boss.
maybe its me and not all bosses? i dont have problems making friends elsewhere and i genuinly like the people who work for me, i think they are interesting, it just so happens my role on the team is to make decisions and create strategies etc .. why does that exclude me from friendships?
edit: i dont even like the word boss, we are all role players. but sometimes i have to make hard decisions that others are counting on someone to do. is it because people dont want to get too close to someone who is in charge of the budget?
Last edited by demrea; 10th April 2008 at 8:26 PM.
I've been a field grade military officer, a law enforcement sergeant and am now a civilian senior manager. While I genuinely like my employees -- well, most of them anyway -- I most certainly don't socialize with them off the job. One of the "downsides" of the higher pay and more responsibilities is the expectation of a degree of separation between management and rank-and-file.
I don't know how your organization works but in mine (government), new employees and just promoted employees have probationary periods of from six months to one year during which i have to give probationary evaluations. For permanent employees I have to evaluate their performance on an annual basis. In the course of work I may have to give assignments that aren't popular, correct mistakes, decide on vacation requests and work schedules.
It's imperative that I do all those things as a dispassionate observer, rater and decision-maker. "Friendships" and off-site, social interaction simply muddy the waters and can cause harmful rumors, hurt feelings and professional issues best avoided.
It goes with the territory!
When in a "superior - subordinate" situation it cannot be about the person(s). It has to be about the position(s).
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"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
Because as the boss, you also have the power to fire them. That power over others creates a natural imbalance which makes it impossible to achieve the equilibrium one normally enjoys with one's friends. Don't take it personally. And there's nothing stopping you from hosting team-building events at work, such as ice cream socials, birthday celebrations, catering-in lunch, stuff like that.
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"There are still too many days when I'm the only woman in the room." -Nancy Pelosi
i guess my problem is that i dont see "the boss" as any more special or different than anyon else, the role is different, not special.
And that is the problem right there. You don't reguard or respect him as YOUR BOSS.
It is inappropriate to add him on your facebook, even more if he accepts.
Also, if you are buddy/buddy with the boss in and out of the office, YOU will have others look at you differently and they'll think you're getting special treatment. I guess you don't understand office politics.
And that is the problem right there. You don't reguard or respect him as YOUR BOSS.
It is inappropriate to add him on your facebook, even more if he accepts.
Also, if you are buddy/buddy with the boss in and out of the office, YOU will have others look at you differently and they'll think you're getting special treatment. I guess you don't understand office politics.
Can I ask how old you are?
no, no....demrea IS the boss
snip[i just feel left out and its been explained to me its becaue I am the boss.]
It is a difficult position. I'm in a similar spot, but in my company there are so many levels and management can certainly be competitive! It becomes more about perception than reality. If I am perceived as a 'friend' to my subordinates then my managers are going to look at me differently too and I may miss a promotion or be purposely left-out of decisions because the perception is that I may subconsciously treat people differently or play favorites when giving out assignments.
When I took a 'friend' out for her birthday last year it was nice, but it was more of the boss taking out an employee and not just as friends and we couldn't do it except it was her birthday. She wanted to get more information out of me about things that are outside of her 'need to know' and she had to be careful of what she asked me and how she asked it. Because I had to be a bit evasive about some things it wasn't exactly a bonding experience.
When co-workers socialize they (we) make guesses and share information about future projects, management decisions, etc. Everyone in that situation is at the same level as far as 'need to know' so there is less inhibition in what can be guessed at and what each person actually knows.
It's the same for the management at the levels above mine.
There is something about socializing with someone who knows what you earn and what your counterparts earn when you don't know it too - I've seen that at lots of places where I've worked. Salary is not discussed openly, especially at work, but off-campus people talk and egos and feelings take a beating. Which is why discussing salary is a firing offense at most companies.
I only bring that up because of an ego from one person at my job who had been going around and asking what people make and then she began measuring offices to make sure she got a larger one! (she didn't & will probably lose her job soon anyway)
People who socialize too much with their bosses can also be perceived as brown-nosers and that almost always backfires because who wants to associate with a brown-noser.
On the flip side - my own boss doesn't know when to shut her mouth or who to shut it around and I've learned lots of juicy tid-bits that were not in my realm of 'need to know' and I have used that to my own advantage. Were I an unethical person, or considered my role just a job and not a career, I could really mess her up with her management. Knowing I can keep a confidence and am dependable to not use anything against her has made it even easier for her to forget what she's saying around me, and I have stopped her a couple of times and said don't tell me, I don't want to know. Sometimes too much information could put my job in jeopardy.
Sorry, I'm rambling. I took a Vicodin a little while ago and keep running on.
Its sad too though, that we can't really socialize with subordinates. We may be losing out on a great friendship and that isolation can be depressing if we let it get to us and take it personally.
demrea, are there any associations that meet locally you can join ? work related and more your peers than your subordinates? Or join a club etc.?
well, i have many aquantances within the industry, i am not lonely. it was just a rhetorical type question because its something that i have been thinking about.
appreciate the discussion, i hope to see some more comments!
Because in our society, we have a sort of hierarchy of status. When we know a person above us like an employer or a boss, most likely our tendency is to stick with our 'level.' We do not cross the line and be gregarious to befriend our superior. We think that it's being intrusive to do so.
Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with friending your boss, if the intent is genuine and no vested interests behind it all. After all, at the end of the day we are equals before God and man.
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Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with friending your boss, if the intent is genuine and no vested interests behind it all. After all, at the end of the day we are equals before God and man.
i agree! but as you pointed out it doesnt work like that. its almost like i am punished by the fact that i am a capable leader and business person and the friendships of the people i spend more time with the my own family must be sacrificed.
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we've all done that (misread a post or missed something )
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