Ok, I am trying to make an inform decision, so I need as much advice as possible.
Ive posted a few times about how I live with my mom. She is 56 y.o but for some reason she keeps saying she is “too old” for everything.
I used to live with some roommates but whenever I would come by Id get the “oh you’re wasting money, you should live here instead of out there” after a while and some bad things that happened, I caved in and moved I’ve been living there for 1 year now and want to move back out. I actually have an apartment that is pretty much ready for me. Its literally walking distance from work and about 5 minutes from the school I plan to attend for graduate school. On top, its REALLY cheap, considering the area.
Anyway I found out I got it yesterday so I mentioned it to my mom. She kinda scoffed and told me to do whatever I felt was beneficial to me. Then went on about her moving back to our country of origin or finding a job as an live-in maid somewhere since she wont have enough $ to pay rent. I reminded her about how my older brother has been begging her for a while to move in with him and she scoffed again saying that she doesn’t want to be a burden to him. Then she went on again about how I shouldn’t waste money and should just stay with her (I pay $450 of rent). That way we could save up and maybe buy a house. Then she complained about how we all want to have our own apartments instead of becoming more united and buy a house all together. (Im the youngest of my siblings at 24, my older sister is 37, my brother is 31). She thinks it’s a waste of money to want to have our own apartments.
In one hand I see where she is coming from. After all she isn’t getting any younger, and she is pretty much dependent on us. She does work part time, but what she makes is not enough to live on. Right now my brother is paying part of her rent, she puts as much as she can and I give $450 for a total of 1,100.00. He wants to buy a house but wants her to help him with it. She says she doesn’t want to become a burden by living with him and that she doesn’t like the area he lives at anyway. In a way I feel like I should just stick around and maybe even buy a house with her so she’ll have something for her old age
But then, I also want to have my own space and I feel that if I buy the house, ill be stuck there forever.
Im not really sure what to do….i mean the idea of a house is very appealing; especially since the apartment I was offered is not exactly beautiful. It’s just a small studio apartment, but it will be all my own.
How can I make the right decision? What do you guys think?
Definitely go for it if that is what you truly want.
Young adults should learn to live independently if they can afford to. We parents have to accept that our children are not ours to keep indefinitely whether we like it or not.
__________________ I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. Voltaire
I agree you should go for it. Your mother is being selfish. She doesn't want to be a burden to your brother (although if he needs her help to buy a house, I don't understand how she's beng a burden) - but has no qualms stifling your growth and keeping you under her thumb.
If you continue this way you'll be stuck and ultimately resent her. Don't do it!
Yeah i hear what you both are telling me. I had two friends come up and see the place to make sure im not rushing into anything.
For some reason I dont feel ok with the whole thing. I honestly feel really guilty and I dont know why. Its like, I decide I will move and then I see something my mom has given me and I feel this ugly pang of guilt.
this is so irritating.
Im going to see the apartment one more time on sunday with another friend and then ill make my decision. Im sad this is getting to be a lot harder than it was when i first move out when i was 19.
do not let family clip your wings when you're ready to fly. I know it's hard with your mother being older, but unless she's bedbound and on a feeding tube, there are ways she can help provide for herself, even if it's to move to a smaller place that's easier on her pocketbook.
if you're serious about getting space of your own, then go for it. You can only do so much for your parents before you get sucked into a mindset of "owing" them for everything youf feel they've done for you.
__________________ "Walking in the Lord's footsteps, our own lives become a journey of hope." – Pope Benedict XVI
You can only do so much for your parents before you get sucked into a mindset of "owing" them for everything youf feel they've done for you.
Exactly how i feel....I feel like im being ungrateful, for leaving, after all she's done for me. Leaving her life behind and now that she "needs" me, im leaving her high and dry....
Then again there's the other side that pulls me to leave...when i hear her say how sad she is that all her children are failures and that she doesnt see a good future for any of us (Keeping in mind, my sister has two masters from a very prestigious university in Architecture, my brother is an officer of the Navy, and I am in the process of getting a masters/psyD in psychology).
I know its not true...but it hurts so much to see how all our efforts and achievements are nothing to her.
OLDER! yOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SHE'S GOT 1 FOOT IN THE GRAVE ALREADY
She has become dependent on her children. NOT GOOD.
However much it hurts u must let her learn to survive on her own.
My wife is 55 and is a firecracker. She has all the charm she needs to survive today. Your mom must learn to use all her attriputes to have a life.
U don't mention if there is anyone (SO) in her life. If there was u can bet she would be kickin' your butt out the door !
Get the apt. and never look back. U must LIVE YOUR LIFE.
__________________
It's gonna cost a lot more than u think!
OLDER! yOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SHE'S GOT 1 FOOT IN THE GRAVE ALREADY
She has become dependent on her children. NOT GOOD.
However much it hurts u must let her learn to survive on her own.
My wife is 55 and is a firecracker. She has all the charm she needs to survive today. Your mom must learn to use all her attriputes to have a life.
U don't mention if there is anyone (SO) in her life. If there was u can bet she would be kickin' your butt out the door !
Get the apt. and never look back. U must LIVE YOUR LIFE.
Yeah i know.,..56 is young...but her attitude is that of an 80 year old or worst. SHe constantly complains about how old she is, and how thats the reason why she cant do this or that or how all she is waiting for is her time to die.
Its draining really.
She has my dad who hasnt been much help. He comes and goes and when he comes, my mom/brother/I sorta maintain him (as in he doesnt help pay for rent etc).
I have told her that she should just kick him to the curb, like he did us 12 years ago and find a good man for her. She says she cant do that, and that she's too old to find someone else. And even if she wasnt, she thinks all men are scum.
its tough...ive been thinking about this for a while and after a while i had decided to just stay put, but now i got this opportunity and is all out again. Im afraid to pass it up...but im also afraid to make a mistake....
My mom and dad are in their sixties. They both are diabetics (they are not on insulin or dialysis) and have high blood pressure and that is it.
I relocated back home and moved in with them in which I told them it would be temporary. It has been 6 months and I am ready to move out and get an apartment. However, my parents are telling me I should just live with them and save my money until I can put a hugh down payment on a house. I feel like they want me to be their companion. They believe I shouldn't date (I'm divorced and 34 yrs old) because I have a child. They think I should just live with them. They don't need me financially. However, my father is retired and my mother never worked. Their day is as such: get up, eat breakfast, watch t.v., eat lunch, go outside take out the trash and check the mail, watch t.v., each dinner, watch t.v. go to bed.
They are able to go out and enjoy themselves. However, they claim they are to old for all that. They also claim that they need someone their with them because they are old. I feel like they want me to stay there with them just in case they need me. I feel like I can't move on with my life and that they are trying to trap me. I told them I was moving out in June and now my mom and dad are acting like they are sick and are constantly complaining of how they are old and no one care about them or is going to be there for them in case they are unable to care for themselves.
I now wish I would have never relocated back home. They are trying to make me feel guilty because I want my own place.
A co worker of mine is going through the same problems. Her and her family are from Chile. She told me that it is tradition that the youngest daughter remain unmarried and take care of the mother as she ages. The youngest of the daughters in her family has rebelled against so my co worker moved her into her and her husband's house. She is happy to do it, but her mother is not happy to be there. She feels like a burden to their marriage and talks about dying all the time.
I feel bad for you OP. That is too much guilt to have laid on you when you have so many opportunities right now. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to go after your goals. I don't know what your families place of origin is, but if it is like my co worker's situation, it could just be that your mother thought things would be a certain way and not that she doesn't care about you accomplishments.
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