I am saving my marriage... This is what happened...
How you ask? Simple.
I read "Stop Your Divorce" and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
Once I relearned all of the things in these books and followed the guidelines, she has been coming back emotionally.
I am a crappy husband. Yes. I'll admit it. When she asked to do simple things with me, I would always respond with negative responses. "No. I do not want to see THAT movie!" or "Do we have to go to your parents house again?!?!?". Sounds familiar?
So, with me being a jerk, another man waltzed into the picture. Now, I can't take ALL the blame for this obviously. But I am the one that pushed my wife away into the waiting arms of another.
Anyway, the OM basicly reinforced all of my negative points and added his own positive ones to try and win her over.
I found out she had been speaking with him HOURS a day. It nearly made me physically ill. I yelled and pitched a fit. Then I realized that that was the wrong way to go. I told her, "I am sorry". "I have not been there for you and I apologize. I can not blame you for going to him".
By taking the blame off of her, she was then able to heal.
When her emotional cup was empty, there was nothing left for her in our relationship. Everytime she extended her cup for me to fill, I spit in it. I added no value to the marriage and was living a solo life.
Now, I have learned alot, but it takes 2 to tango. Once she is emotionally strong again(By the way, it feels like we are dating again!), I am hoping she will read the book and learn from this as well.
Life is much better with her happy again. If she is happy, I am as well. She is my wife and I love her.
I read "Stop Your Divorce" and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
Once I relearned all of the things in these books and followed the guidelines, she has been coming back emotionally.
I am a crappy husband. Yes. I'll admit it. When she asked to do simple things with me, I would always respond with negative responses. "No. I do not want to see THAT movie!" or "Do we have to go to your parents house again?!?!?". Sounds familiar?
So, with me being a jerk, another man waltzed into the picture. Now, I can't take ALL the blame for this obviously. But I am the one that pushed my wife away into the waiting arms of another.
Anyway, the OM basicly reinforced all of my negative points and added his own positive ones to try and win her over.
I found out she had been speaking with him HOURS a day. It nearly made me physically ill. I yelled and pitched a fit. Then I realized that that was the wrong way to go. I told her, "I am sorry". "I have not been there for you and I apologize. I can not blame you for going to him".
By taking the blame off of her, she was then able to heal.
When her emotional cup was empty, there was nothing left for her in our relationship. Everytime she extended her cup for me to fill, I spit in it. I added no value to the marriage and was living a solo life.
Now, I have learned alot, but it takes 2 to tango. Once she is emotionally strong again(By the way, it feels like we are dating again!), I am hoping she will read the book and learn from this as well.
Life is much better with her happy again. If she is happy, I am as well. She is my wife and I love her.
Note to self... purchase books for husband IMMEDIATELY.
Very happy for you two! I don't know many people who are willing to see their own faults when it was their partner who went astray. Best of luck to you guys
I read "Stop Your Divorce" and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
Once I relearned all of the things in these books and followed the guidelines, she has been coming back emotionally.
I am a crappy husband. Yes. I'll admit it. When she asked to do simple things with me, I would always respond with negative responses. "No. I do not want to see THAT movie!" or "Do we have to go to your parents house again?!?!?". Sounds familiar?
So, with me being a jerk, another man waltzed into the picture. Now, I can't take ALL the blame for this obviously. But I am the one that pushed my wife away into the waiting arms of another.
Anyway, the OM basicly reinforced all of my negative points and added his own positive ones to try and win her over.
Of course he did. He doesn't have to deal with the day to day happenings of marriage and the work that it takes to keep a marriage going.
Its like someone else doing all the work, and someone else taking credit for it.
Now you say you were a jerk. Of course there were problems, but sometimes the day to day routine of being married can do that to people. Yes it would have been nice to see that in yourself and take steps to correct it, but it in no way excuses what your wife did.
So again, the OM/OW can easily come off as being everything the cheater wants because the OM/OW does not have to deal with the day to day pressures of being married. Marriage takes work, and the OM/OW didn't have to do anything but swoop in and have their sex occasionally. And all the while the cheater thinks it is fantastic. Ya, if they married their OW/OM, just give it time before it turns out not to be so fantastic and that former OW/OM that is now the H/W has to start putting forth REAL effort.
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Now, I have learned alot, but it takes 2 to tango. Once she is emotionally strong again(By the way, it feels like we are dating again!), I am hoping she will read the book and learn from this as well.
Life is much better with her happy again. If she is happy, I am as well. She is my wife and I love her.
Well I'm glad it worked out for you.
But do you ever wonder if she feels her affair was a good thing in that it brought you to your senses?
Do you ever have relapses and get angry inside at her being with another man? And do you really think she doesn't want to still be with that man to this day? Be honest.
Not trying to turn you here. I ask those questions genuinely because I am of the mindset that I don't care what caused the cheating, once the damage is done, for myself, I wouldn't care to fix anything with that person.
I could still view it as a learning experience and say, "hey, I wasn't the best husband" and learn to do better, but with a new relationship, not the person that betrayed me.
I definitely don't condone cheating for any reasons, so I hope what I said didn't sound like I was siding with the W.
However, I'm just curious. If your wife had sat you down way before any thoughts of cheating came to her and said, "Listen, we have problems..." Would you have put as much effort in to stay? If she had said, "I'm considering divorce." Would that have put the same momentum in you to make it work?
So again, the OM/OW can easily come off as being everything the cheater wants because the OM/OW does not have to deal with the day to day pressures of being married. Marriage takes work, and the OM/OW didn't have to do anything but swoop in and have their sex occasionally. And all the while the cheater thinks it is fantastic. Ya, if they married their OW/OM, just give it time before it turns out not to be so fantastic and that former OW/OM that is now the H/W has to start putting forth REAL effort.
Very true. A survey in Woman's magazine interviewed women that had left their marriage when things felt wrong for the OM. Almost all of the woman said that they REGRETED leaving their former spouse and that their OM marriage fell apart after about 1 year and they were lonely. It always looks promising and candy coated with the OM/OW. There is no baggage at all. That is a hard fight. But once my wife opened up to me about the OM, I told her I would do those things also for her.
I want to save my marriage. Once I decided this, I had to look at the big picture and check my feelings at the door. Day to day with a 16 month old baby is very tough. My wife works graveyard shift and that puts a HUGE strain on our marriage. (She has recently put a request in for day shift and got accepted. Thank god!)
Well I'm glad it worked out for you.
Working out for me. I do not want to revert back to that negative husband again. He is dead. I killed him. It is constant work to keep positive. You know what? I like the new me!
My goal in life is to make my wife happy. If she is happy, than I am happy. It is like a domino effect.
But do you ever wonder if she feels her affair was a good thing in that it brought you to your senses?
I am not sure how to answer this. Like I said, in order for this to work, you need to CHECK YOUR FEELINGS AT THE DOOR. If you can not do this, you will lose to the OM. I took him out of the equation when I was seducing my wife back into our marriage. And yes... Seducing. She is a human being and wants to be seduced, cherished, admired, etc. Once I came to my senses and started "wooing" her like when we first met, she attacked me like a barracuda! Like 3 times day. This is no exageration.
Do you ever have relapses and get angry inside at her being with another man? And do you really think she doesn't want to still be with that man to this day? Be honest.
Angry? No. Little jealous? Yes. Can I blame another guy for finding my wife attractive and wanting to be with her? No. Of course not. Like I just said, I CHECKED MY FEELINGS AT THE DOOR! He is nothing to me. If I were to talk about him, that would be BIGTIME bad. I want him to slip away into the darkness. Not bring him up and discuss him with my wife. DO NOT BRING HIM INTO YOUR FAMILY CIRCLE BY TALKING ABOUT HIM! The OW/OM should NEVER be considered on YOUR LEVEL. My wife told me he tried calling her and she was like, "What is his problem?" I said, "I think he is attracted to you. I can't blame him. You are a very attractive woman."
Pride and ego have no friends. Do not invite them into your conversations.
Another thing is, she was obviously unhappy with our marriage and she pursued him. First and foremost, it is MY FAULT. If I had not been such an idiot and not ignoring her emotional needs, this would have never have happened. I know this to be true. How do I know? I can see it in her eyes and the way she acts. Is she 100%? No. It will take some time to resure her that I am not going to be the "mean" husband anymore.
Not trying to turn you here. I ask those questions genuinely because I am of the mindset that I don't care what caused the cheating, once the damage is done, for myself, I wouldn't care to fix anything with that person.
That is has to be your mindset going into what I am doing. I do not NEED my wife. She is what I want and desire. That is all. If she were to leave me, I would date other girls and find another. There is nothing wrong with moving on. It is just not the path I wanted to take at this time. So I have worked on repairing my marriage instead.
I definitely don't condone cheating for any reasons, so I hope what I said didn't sound like I was siding with the W.
However, I'm just curious. If your wife had sat you down way before any thoughts of cheating came to her and said, "Listen, we have problems..." Would you have put as much effort in to stay? If she had said, "I'm considering divorce." Would that have put the same momentum in you to make it work?
She did try and tell me. But all her efforts fell on deaf ears. I dismissed it as her being "needy" and "materialistic". Typical uninformed male responses.
Once I realized what was happening, I did a 360. Once I faced her and started looking into her eyes and complimenting her on her efforts and great ideas, she was happy again. And the big key is to BE POSITIVE yourself.
I'm glad that you and the wife have reconciled, working out your differences, and putting the past behind you!
But you should set it as a goal for yourself to read at least one book about interpersonal relationships, marriage, cross-gender communication, romance, ways to be romantic, seduction, every year. I would actually recommend every six months!
And since there's no romance without finance ~ and personal finance and marriage goes hand in hand ~ I would also recommend that you read at least one book about personal finance!
Since you've already have read John Gray's "Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Venus" I would recommend his latest book, "Whem Mars and Venus Collide" he also has a website just Goggle the above title and / or h
is name.
Another really good book is by Dr. Hellen Kriedman's "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" she also offers an audio program by the same name. And since you've got a new eightteen month old in the house ~ "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy" by the same author
Another good series of books are by Gregory J. P. Godek "Romance 101", 1001 Ways To Be Romantic" and "1001 More Ways To Be Romantic" an
Along the personal finance subject, I recommend Mary Hunt's "Complete Debt Proof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover"
I heard a saying while serving in the Marine Corps my first hitch ~ and I never forgot it?
Quote:
"When your up to your @ss in aligators, snake, and Indians, you tend to forget that your initial objective when you first set out? Was to drain the swamp!"
If and when you read the book you will be able to see the macro and micro of marriage? And how overtime? It slowly begins to un-ravel?
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
You first get together like happy little bunnies in love, then the day to day stresses of making a living > finances > bills > running a household > troubles with co-workers, the bosses, dead-lines > rommance and intimacy falls to the side ~ you're in a down spirial and its damned hard to pull out of it once it starts? Most don't?
Very happy for you two! I don't know many people who are willing to see their own faults when it was their partner who went astray. Best of luck to you guys
Thank you. Men are not programmed like women in any way, shape, or form. We are completely different animals. I had to step outside of my feelings and look inward with logic and reason. It was like a breath of fresh air.
You first get together like happy little bunnies in love, then the day to day stresses of making a living > finances > bills > running a household > troubles with co-workers, the bosses, dead-lines > rommance and intimacy falls to the side ~ you're in a down spirial and its damned hard to pull out of it once it starts? Most don't?
People divorce everyday. Most of the time it is due to lack of understanding from both parties involved.
Negative Senario:
Man and woman walk into a coffee shop. The woman asks the man, "What do you think you are going to have?". Man says, "This place is expensive! I don't want anything here. You go ahead and order something.".
Most likely, she will respond back with, "I don't want anything anymore. That's ok."
The woman interpeted the man as saying, "You are an idiot for ordering this expensive stuff!" Turning the whole experience into a NEGATIVE one.
Positive Senario:
Man and woman walk into a coffee shop. The woman asks the man, "What do you think you are going to have?"
Man reponds back, "Hmmm... I am not sure yet. What are you going to have?"
Woman responds back, "I think I will have the mocha latte."
Man says, "That sounds great! I will have the same."
Which date would you rather be on? If you say the first one, you are not being honest with yourself.
In the book, "Stop Your Divorce", it says a "Woman never leaves a man they perceive is happy." I find this to be true. My attitude was always pissy and negative. I felt the hum-drum life style and it was stiffiling. Once I was aware of this attitude, I snapped out of it and got POSITIVE. I stopped listening to depressing music, playing video games(World of Warcrack... DAMN YOU!!!!), etc.
I even asked my wife to remarry her. Yes. Remarry. She hunged me and cried "I am soooo sorry". Needless to say we are remarrying on May 31st. We are BOTH very excited about this vow renewal.
Hmmm... Was there another guy? Hmm.... I don't recall an OM. Oh well... Must have been our imagnation.
Last edited by husbndinthemaking; 9th April 2008 at 7:06 PM.
I'm glad that you and the wife have reconciled, working out your differences, and putting the past behind you!
But you should set it as a goal for yourself to read at least one book about interpersonal relationships, marriage, cross-gender communication, romance, ways to be romantic, seduction, every year. I would actually recommend every six months!
And since there's no romance without finance ~ and personal finance and marriage goes hand in hand ~ I would also recommend that you read at least one book about personal finance!
Since you've already have read John Gray's "Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Venus" I would recommend his latest book, "Whem Mars and Venus Collide" he also has a website just Goggle the above title and / or h
is name.
Another really good book is by Dr. Hellen Kriedman's "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" she also offers an audio program by the same name. And since you've got a new eightteen month old in the house ~ "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy" by the same author
Another good series of books are by Gregory J. P. Godek "Romance 101", 1001 Ways To Be Romantic" and "1001 More Ways To Be Romantic" an
Along the personal finance subject, I recommend Mary Hunt's "Complete Debt Proof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover"
I heard a saying while serving in the Marine Corps my first hitch ~ and I never forgot it?
If and when you read the book you will be able to see the macro and micro of marriage? And how overtime? It slowly begins to un-ravel?
Thank you very much for the reading recommendations. I will take down all of the info you posted and read them accordingly.
BTW - I have my Outlook calendar set every month to re-read "Stop Your Divorce" to keep me on the straight and narrow.
I, though not married - was engaged, read How To Stop Your Divorce and it does work! I have not been updating this site, but my ex and I are slowly taking steps back towards one another (he left me). I even spoke to Homer on the phone, but he was WAY too expensive. Maybe I'll read the book again!
It's hard not to slip back into those patterns. How are you keeping it up day to day? How long has it been since you started the techniques?
Thank you. Men are not programmed like women in any way, shape, or form. We are completely different animals. I had to step outside of my feelings and look inward with logic and reason. It was like a breath of fresh air.
Actually men and women are about 80% the same, but that 20% difference is HUGH!!!!!!
Some excellent reading on the subject?
Feb 2007 edition of National Geographic Magazine
Jan 28, 2008 edition of Time Magazine
Books ~ "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, And Women Need A New Pair Of Shoes!"
"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love"
And again, John Gray's latest Book, "When Mars And Venus Collide" ~ Its about the different ways men and women communicate, deal with, react to and handle stress. He also explains precisely how women's "point-system" works pyschology?
On cross-gender communication:
"Genderspeak" and "You Just Don't Understand"
If your one of those men they don't the first thing about cooking? And want to take the load off of the wife with the full time job and new baby in the house? (Or a new bachelor) you might want to pick the following cookbooks from Men's Health Magazine?
"A Man, A Can, And A Plan"
"A Man, A Can, And A Microwave"
"A Man, A Plan, And A BBQ"
Last edited by Gunny376; 9th April 2008 at 7:31 PM.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
I'm glad that you and the wife have reconciled, working out your differences, and putting the past behind you! 
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