In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
This is so discouraging. I feel like shooting myself in the head these times around. Of course I won't, but I don't want to live a life of pain.
I'm not a weepy guy at all, but this is putting my naturally strong persona through a hard time. This topic doesn't reflect how I conduct myself, it also sounds like I'm trying too hard, but this is like my only space where I allow myself to vent. So I manage to chat with a few girls on IM through a dating site, the conversation goes well, I give my pic, we chat 2-3 times, we joke and I'm having fun, and seemingly her too, I'm then thinking of asking for a date the next time I talk to her... and then even if I've been strictly positive with my replies and pretty lighthearted, and careful not to talk too much or sound obnoxious, or not to sound desperate or give IOIs, even if seemingly nothing went wrong, at some point the girl never logs on again. I don't know how reliable these sites are, but sites that are supposed to show you who blocked you do say that these girls have blocked or deleted me. This is like the fifth one! Could they decide that my pic doesn't show the kind of guy they're looking for and instantly want to never have anything to do with me? I've asked out a few girls around the campus too, but to no avail. This makes me hate my face even more, I find that it looks reasonably good, but sometimes I get so full of rage and tired to repress my desires that I hit it repeatedly with my fists, and then go to bed to cry. I'm then so ashamed of these actions the next morning. Or could it simply be the usual low odds of success that come with male/female courting?
I've tried for months to get a date or get closer to a girl, and I try so hard to keep my cool and be a merry guy but damn, I'm fed up of being alone and it shows in my grades. I'm fed up of everything... I keep myself very busy, chat and laugh with as many people as possible, exercize regularly, I play tennis, lift weights, have many hobbies, and appreciate myself as a guy most of the time, but ultimately I can't help but to be preoccupied by this predicament for every waking second, there's always some kind of malaise in me when I see lovers passing by or when I come back alone in my apartment, and it's ruining my whole life.
I spent hours and hours trying to find any kind of social club that I could attend to in this town, but nothing works, they're all made for old people. I'm already part of clubs at college but there's no one to ask out and this is getting me nowhere.
I don't think it's your face buddy (unless your fists have been doing a lot of damage). I think the problem is you probably come off as really desperate, melodramatic, and perhaps stalker-ish.
Just calm the hell down. Finding some one you love is just going to sneak up on you one day so going crazy looking for it will just end up leaving you in the mess you're in. If you're just looking for a little companionship or random play, just try to be social and don't make everything seem life or death (i.e. don't let rejection cause you to start punching yourself). The few times I hooked-up/made-out with girls in college were times when I wasn't desperatly trying to. They were times when I was relaxed and just having fun and fate saw fit to bless with me a little play. Pretty much any time I've gone to a party or social function with the goal of hooking up with someone, I've always failed miserably.
It's kind of a catch 22 but it gets easier with success; unless you start scraping the bottom of the barrel and mess around with girls who are dumb/un-interesting/un-attractive. That's an act of desperation and will just make you feel bad and feel worse about yourself (making it harder).
Remember that the online dating scene is so flaky. You meet so many people on that site- talk to so many people, and there is a "grass is always greener on the other side" aspect to it. SO people meet one another, talk a bit- then someone else comes along and the process of getting to know someone new replaces the person before them.
It happens al the time.
I routinely meet and delete people.
The guys I delete are the ones that ask for naked pics or get too eager too quickly.
The key is to remain mysterious. Don't chat with them every single time they log in... don't spend hours chatting with them... don't push a meeting too quickly.
I don't think it's your face buddy (unless your fists have been doing a lot of damage). I think the problem is you probably come off as really desperate, melodramatic, and perhaps stalker-ish.
Just calm the hell down. Finding some one you love is just going to sneak up on you one day so going crazy looking for it will just end up leaving you in the mess you're in. If you're just looking for a little companionship or random play, just try to be social and don't make everything seem life or death (i.e. don't let rejection cause you to start punching yourself). The few times I hooked-up/made-out with girls in college were times when I wasn't desperatly trying to. They were times when I was relaxed and just having fun and fate saw fit to bless with me a little play. Pretty much any time I've gone to a party or social function with the goal of hooking up with someone, I've always failed miserably.
It's kind of a catch 22 but it gets easier with success; unless you start scraping the bottom of the barrel and mess around with girls who are dumb/un-interesting/un-attractive. That's an act of desperation and will just make you feel bad and feel worse about yourself (making it harder).
First, as I said, just because when venting on such a site I need to convey the extreme emotions that I feel when alone, doesn't mean that I'm dumb enough to ever let such feelings have any sway in my real life encounters. We all have our own crap to deal with, but it's not about what we have and how it makes us feel, it's how we manage it. I prefer to feel this way when alone so as to acknowledge these feelings as they are and be free of them once I go back among other people.
I'm a pretty laid-back, sympathetic guy, and I really enjoy being with other people. It's when I come back alone that I get frustrated because I'd want more interactions, it's not the actual interactions themselves that make me anxious when I'm on the spot. And what's there to be said, I have hormones, it's hard to be in a community full of girls without coveting one of them, and it tears down on you when you have no such company.
I of course don't act in any such disturbing manners when chatting online too. If I just make some light online conversations very infrequently, how could it be uncannily sensed as desperate or melodramatic? The girls listed their IMs in their profile too, asking for people to chat with them. Seems like I wasn't their cup of tea. Supposedly like a female poster above said, it happens all the time and isn't a big deal, or isn't necessarily something to take personally.
Yes, I recognize that the acts of violence laid upon myself are a bit extreme, however when alone I don't always know how to deal with all the energy I have to spend. And it feels like a lot of effort for no rewards in return, for now. Hopefully it doesn't happen again, but I'm a perfectionist guy with a naturally agressive/rebellious temperament and nothing to waste it on.
You say that you need to avoid doing anything special and let the girls come onto us from their own volition, but isn't there a danger in letting a lot of time pass by while nothing happens? If you just put yourself out there a lot and attempt to have nothing but light fun, can the things you do with these people really go beyond small talk? While I went out for many evenings and had great fun with interesting people who said they really appreciated my company, in the end over and over again I come back to my apartment with no one to call or to do anything intimate with.
I'm also 26, not that young anymore. By being a little bit more pro-active, perhaps I can still profit from my youth, but there's little time left to it.
I of course don't act in any such disturbing manners when chatting online too. If I just make some light online conversations very infrequently, how could it be uncannily sensed as desperate or melodramatic?
I don't have your chat records so I truly have no idea how you come across. I just know that it's easier to come off a little desperate or awkward than you realize and I also know that if you're going home and punching yourself in the face, you may not always keep quite as cool as you think.
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The girls listed their IMs in their profile too, asking for people to chat with them. Seems like I wasn't their cup of tea. Supposedly like a female poster above said, it happens all the time and isn't a big deal, or isn't necessarily something to take personally.
That's fine. I was just trying to talk you out of thinking it was your face and wreaking more havoc.
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Yes, I recognize that the acts of violence laid upon myself are a bit extreme, however when alone I don't always know how to deal with all the energy I have to spend. And it feels like a lot of effort for no rewards in return, for now. Hopefully it doesn't happen again, but I'm a perfectionist guy with a naturally agressive/rebellious temperament and nothing to waste it on.
How about a pillow?
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You say that you need to avoid doing anything special and let the girls come onto us from their own volition, but isn't there a danger in letting a lot of time pass by while nothing happens? If you just put yourself out there a lot and attempt to have nothing but light fun, can the things you do with these people really go beyond small talk? While I went out for many evenings and had great fun with interesting people who said they really appreciated my company, in the end over and over again I come back to my apartment with no one to call or to do anything intimate with.
Well, first of all, are you looking for the love of your life or are you looking to get laid? It sounds blunt but it's an important question.
If it's love you want, then no I don't think you should be as stressed about it as you are. I think when you find a person you can fall in love with, you'll know. I'm not saying love at first site but I think that you can sense when this is someone who you could really love. That's when you can start to stress out about how you'll deal with things and that's the time to start taking some serious risks.
On the other hand, if you're just looking for a little female companionship, then no I don't think you should stress. I'm not saying don't do anything, I'm simply saying that usually when one has a serious goal set of meeting a girl on a given night, it ends up coming out subconsiously or making them seem awkward and things don't end up so well.
Maybe you're good at the small talk but have trouble then getting it to move on to a slightly more intimate place. I know that's a royal pain for a lot of guys and it's a very subtle thing. It's quite easy to be labled nothing more than a "friend" or a "safe person" by girls at social occasions. Often you'll think you're doing great and talking to them all night but nothing will ever come of it. I honestly can't quite articulate what's made the difference for me in the nights when I've been successful (few and far between) and the nights when I havn't (far more frequent) but a big part of it really seemed to stem from how I felt at the time. The nights where I was confident and meeting someone wasn't my #1 goal (but of course wasn't totally out of my mind) were the ones that went well. Those were the nights I was just proud to be me.
Look, I can't critique your approach as I've never seen it. For all I know, you're smooth as can be and God just hates you. I probably shouldn't critique it even if I could since I'm hardly a great success with the ladies.
Perhaps you should analyze what caused success in the past. Has there been success in the past?
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I'm also 26, not that young anymore. By being a little bit more pro-active, perhaps I can still profit from my youth, but there's little time left to it.
Well, I'm 24 and can identify. I got into a 2.5 year relationship just as I was starting to feel comfortable with the opposite sex and, now that it's ended in heart-ache; I'm curious to see what I was missing. My first night "back on the scene" was just last night and things went pretty well, largely I think, because I a.) didn't have meeting someone as my #1 goal (though it was certainly #2) and b.) didn't approach the night with a lot of pressure. To be honest, it almost felt kind of like I was doing field research. Like I simply testing theories about what works and what doesn't work in typical social and dating environments. It's kind of a cool attitude to have since you really don't fear rejection and you view everything as kind of a game.
I don't have your chat records so I truly have no idea how you come across. I just know that it's easier to come off a little desperate or awkward than you realize and I also know that if you're going home and punching yourself in the face, you may not always keep quite as cool as you think.
(...)
How about a pillow?
Well, how could I say it... symbols don't work. They're condemned to be eternally unsatisfying. Our minds know that what we do is vicarious, fake and meaningless when we do as such.
Hopefully this was the last time it ever happened. It's just that I accumulate so much passion and spite that I can never do anything with and it gets to me when I'm forced to spend too much consecutive time alone.
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Originally Posted by MalachiX
Well, first of all, are you looking for the love of your life or are you looking to get laid? It sounds blunt but it's an important question.
If it's love you want, then no I don't think you should be as stressed about it as you are. I think when you find a person you can fall in love with, you'll know. I'm not saying love at first site but I think that you can sense when this is someone who you could really love. That's when you can start to stress out about how you'll deal with things and that's the time to start taking some serious risks.
On the other hand, if you're just looking for a little female companionship, then no I don't think you should stress. I'm not saying don't do anything, I'm simply saying that usually when one has a serious goal set of meeting a girl on a given night, it ends up coming out subconsiously or making them seem awkward and things don't end up so well.
I've fallen in love two times in the last eight months and asked in real-life each of these times, but it didn't work out. The second girl initially accepted, and then changed her mind the next week. What I noticed in these occasions is that taking risks and asking a girl out just felt right.
But my goal I guess is somewhere between these two. I'm not looking for the love of my life, but I'm not looking for blunt sex either. I guess I just want to develop some complicity with a girl who would be really nice to me, that I want to be softened because I feel that my environment produces a rude, cold effect on me. I wouldn't say no at sex, but most of all I want to be able to hug someone. Being hugged is important, and because I don't receive hugs from a romantic relationship, my body feels all sore.
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Originally Posted by MalachiX
Maybe you're good at the small talk but have trouble then getting it to move on to a slightly more intimate place. I know that's a royal pain for a lot of guys and it's a very subtle thing. It's quite easy to be labled nothing more than a "friend" or a "safe person" by girls at social occasions. Often you'll think you're doing great and talking to them all night but nothing will ever come of it. I honestly can't quite articulate what's made the difference for me in the nights when I've been successful (few and far between) and the nights when I havn't (far more frequent) but a big part of it really seemed to stem from how I felt at the time. The nights where I was confident and meeting someone wasn't my #1 goal (but of course wasn't totally out of my mind) were the ones that went well. Those were the nights I was just proud to be me.
Look, I can't critique your approach as I've never seen it. For all I know, you're smooth as can be and God just hates you. I probably shouldn't critique it even if I could since I'm hardly a great success with the ladies.
Perhaps you should analyze what caused success in the past. Has there been success in the past?
My gut feeling would be that, quite simply, select individuals are bound to like you, and others will only be polite or lukewarm, without being drawn to you. It's up to the girls' whims and to her personal tastes, and we can't really have any sway on it. If she really likes you as a man, if doesn't matter in what kind of mood you are unless it's extreme because she's going to overlook these aspects. If you're not that confident she'll just find it makes you cuter. But the bias is essential to go anywhere.
Unlike depressed guys I'm not persuaded that I'm unloveable and that no one would ever develop romantic feelings to me and be drawn to me. What I'm more wary of is to never cross the paths of these girls out of unluckyness.
Being labeled as a friend or safe person isn't something I'm worried about. It's not part of my temperament to be overly nice and desiring of contact. I'm nice, but my niceness isn't that easy to obtain. I'm hard to impress, and my attention quickly fickles to something else.
As for past successes, well yes I've had a few relationships, but this was long ago. All these times, I really didn't have to do anything to get a few girls to talk to me. After that, something took me out of the dating scene for very long. Now I guess I'm not a cute boy anymore but instead a rougher man and it's harder to be liked for what I am.
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Originally Posted by MalachiX
Well, I'm 24 and can identify. I got into a 2.5 year relationship just as I was starting to feel comfortable with the opposite sex and, now that it's ended in heart-ache; I'm curious to see what I was missing. My first night "back on the scene" was just last night and things went pretty well, largely I think, because I a.) didn't have meeting someone as my #1 goal (though it was certainly #2) and b.) didn't approach the night with a lot of pressure. To be honest, it almost felt kind of like I was doing field research. Like I simply testing theories about what works and what doesn't work in typical social and dating environments. It's kind of a cool attitude to have since you really don't fear rejection and you view everything as kind of a game.
Well congratulations for your bravery.
Yeah that is a nice psychology to have. I don't always feel like doing this because even if it feels like some kind of cool experiment, it also feels fruitless. I guess I'll try it every now and then.
At last I guess as for a consolation that I'm far from being as helpless and clueless as the average loveless male is, it's certainly a huge part of the fight, at least these aren't roadblocks anymore.
do the loser girl thing I told you to do. It will help you get that confidence you need
While certainly a well thought out and realistic suggestion, it doesn't quite work.
The problem is that the "she's all that" type girls don't really exist. They're just pretty young actresses who director put a ponytail and pair of glasses on (which apparently makes them hideous in movie terms).
The real loser girls are large, smelly, and tend to have an unhealthy obsession with hamsters.
My first night "back on the scene" was just last night and things went pretty well, largely I think, because I a.) didn't have meeting someone as my #1 goal (though it was certainly #2) and b.) didn't approach the night with a lot of pressure.
Let's not forget c.) You managed to keep your fists off your face.
Evidently that's a symptom of success with the opposite sex.
__________________
"A little jargon is all that is necessary to impose on the people. The less they comprehend, the more they admire." - St. Gregory
The one thing that worries me is that you said that you have fallen in love two times in the past eight months. So I'm thinking that you have had two relationships... I read on and realize that you didn't even have dates. You weren't in love then if you didn't even know these girls. As much as you think that you are not coming off creepy or overbearing, that quote leaves me to believe that you are. I don't think you are being realistic with yourself as far as what you are saying to these chicks.
I'm not saying that to be mean, but what I'm trying to say is that these things keep happened over and over, so there must be a reason. You seem to be denying to underlying reason and instead beating yourself up over your looks.
You didn't mention either what type of girls you are going after. Are you looking for a specific physical ideal? Could you be limiting yourself? I hope this is not the case because you are getting mad at people judging you by your looks. I don't know the answer to this, so I'm not going to pass any further judgement.
Seriously, back off and be patient. Things happen when you are NOT looking for them.
The one thing that worries me is that you said that you have fallen in love two times in the past eight months. So I'm thinking that you have had two relationships... I read on and realize that you didn't even have dates. You weren't in love then if you didn't even know these girls. As much as you think that you are not coming off creepy or overbearing, that quote leaves me to believe that you are. I don't think you are being realistic with yourself as far as what you are saying to these chicks.
I'm not saying that to be mean, but what I'm trying to say is that these things keep happened over and over, so there must be a reason. You seem to be denying to underlying reason and instead beating yourself up over your looks.
Replace "being in love" with "crushes" then, if that fits your mindset more. Those were two different girls that were part of *real-life* groups that I frequented, and with which I had interacted beforehand. We got along well together before, and we still got along together well after on a friend/acquaintance basis. I knew them little, especially the second, but I had some sort of special attraction towards them.
Sincerely, this seems like paranoia from your end. I don't see what's disturbing about a guy having crushes towards girls that he wouldn't know all that well. Those were the only two I had. They were unrequited, so what? I didn't act in delusional ways, and didn't cling in any way after being turned down and simply nexted them. Do I seem like a freaky, an unreasonable guy to you? Quite obviously, I'm simply one that goes through a lot of pain and lacks outlets to soothe himself. But even that doesn't mean I let it become a defining part of who I am.
That girls would be very fickle and picky online when they have so many options appears like a satisfying and sensible answer to me. How many topics have we seen about guys contacting dozens and dozens of girls, even hundreds, and sometimes not even getting a single reply?
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Originally Posted by shanny
You didn't mention either what type of girls you are going after. Are you looking for a specific physical ideal? Could you be limiting yourself? I hope this is not the case because you are getting mad at people judging you by your looks. I don't know the answer to this, so I'm not going to pass any further judgement.
Seriously, back off and be patient. Things happen when you are NOT looking for them.
I'm not looking for a special physical ideal. Sure there are female traits that I particularly like and others that I dislike, but I'm not being picky. I guess that most of all I appreciate girls that seem to be warm and unassuming. Any girl I approached be it online or in the real world I thought would go along well with me and wouldn't be "out of my league" so to speak.
Backing off and being patient? This I don't believe in. Not at one moment did I go berserk and try to hook up with a female by any means possible. Putting yourself out there a bit more and talking to new persons, and trying new things even if a lot of them result in failure are critical things. Staying passive in front of everyone else and passing too much time alone only bring disappointment and dread.
Sincerely, this seems like paranoia from your end. I don't see what's disturbing about a guy having crushes towards girls that he wouldn't know all that well. Those were the only two I had. They were unrequited, so what? I didn't act in delusional ways, and didn't cling in any way after being turned down and simply nexted them.
Serph, no one can tell you how you act without seeing you in action but perhaps you may want to listen if a couple of people suggest the same thing. The fact that you seem to get defensive when this suggestion is made perhaps indicates it's more accurate than you might want to believe.
And lets be honest, it's very EASY for a guy to come off desperate; even if he's not trying to or even if he isn't. I'm pretty sure I did myself with my most recent interaction. I texted the very next day and then asked her out to dinner (via text) a few days later. I didn't get a response from the last text. Now, I could just tell myself, "maybe she didn't get it" or I could consider the possability that I made contact again a bit too soon. I'm OK considering that because it isn't personal for me right now (I'm not letting ANYTHING romantic enter my head for a REALLY long time until I can heal from the last relationship). All I was interested in was a date for Friday night and (I'm ashamed to admit) the prospect of casual sex in the future. I'm not sad that she never called back, kind of glad actually since went out on my own, ran into some people, and did some VERY useful networking tonight; and so it's OK for me to think that perhaps I just came on a bit too strongly (largely because I really don't remember how the hell you do this stuff and was kind of caught off gaurd that a pretty girl would be interested in me so soon). The point is, don't make it something you have to get defensive about.
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Do I seem like a freaky, an unreasonable guy to you?
Yes you did and that's the point. You talked about being in love with girls you never dated then decided it was your face which you proceeded to describe punching. I think someone acting totally reasonably wouldn't say crushes were "love" and certainly wouldn't post online that he hits his hideous face.
It just seems like you don't want to awknowladge the possability that it might be your approach. Just because you came off "creepy" doesn't mean your are creepy and doesn't mean you're a bad person. All guys come off creepy at one point or another, all girls come across as either needy or bitchy, and everyone comes across as bat**** crazy sometimes. Dating and relationships aren't easy and mis-understandings happen quite often.
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Quite obviously, I'm simply one that goes through a lot of pain and lacks outlets to soothe himself. But even that doesn't mean I let it become a defining part of who I am.
Whether it defines you or not isn't the point. It's whether or not it leaks through to women and ends up sabotaging you. Christ, I've got a number of gay friends and, while being gay isn't their defining characteristic, it's hard to miss.
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Staying passive in front of everyone else and passing too much time alone only bring disappointment and dread.
I've been told strumming a guitar passively is a major babe magnet.
Last edited by MalachiX; 5th April 2008 at 5:19 AM.
Reason: typo
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