I'm new on this site; I was recommended by a friend who said that she really likes the people here!
I have been divorced for less than a year. I did not have any children, although I really wanted to. I am now in my late thirties. I have had a really hard time getting over it. Sometimes when I think about the whole horrible experience, I get a very simple visual as follows: someone taking a melon scooper -- as you would to carve out melon balls from a watermelon -- and applying it to my insides, scooping out my heart, and emptying me.
Anyway, that's background. I am slowly feeling better and just recently entered the dating world again (very tentatively) when two friends set me up with their friend.
He is a very good guy. The sex is great and doing much to heal my broken spirit. However, there is a problem: he has herpes and has had it for over 10 years; he says his outbreaks are very rare, maybe once every couple of years, and that he can usually feel them coming on. This is the first time I have ever dated anyone with herpes. I have no STD's. He just recently started talking Valtrex (sp?) everyday at my request. We screwed up a few times, but for the most part have been using condoms regularly.
Can anyone give me some concrete advice about how I can keep from contracting herpes if I continue to have intercourse and oral sex with him?
If we were married, I would not be worried about it. But this is the first guy I've dated since my divorce, and I don't know what the future holds. My goal is to be married again and have children, hopefully.
Thanks a lot! I'm looking forward to the responses. Have a great day.
Hi there, I have dated a man with this in the past. I found it was best to do research on it. Check out healthboards.com - you can learn a lot from other users who have it or are dating someone who has it.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to protect yourself 100% from getting it. Condoms help, but the virus doesn't limit itself to just the penis, so anywhere where his genital region comes into contact with yours puts you at risk. If you're performing oral sex on him, you can also contract it to your own mouth/lips/tongue/throat.
While he may feel an outbreak coming on, there are plenty of days where he's "shedding" with no symptoms or feelings, and he's contagious at that time too.
I've been told by a few guys that they have herpes prior to taking the next step. Over time I became surprised at how many people out there have it, and went on a research frenzy to see if I should make a different decision next time a guy tells me about it (I have walked away each time before). There's a ton of research out there, I suggest you dig around too and find out what you're really dealing with.
From what I've read, the experience of being diagnosed with herpes is much more traumatic emotionally than physically. For some the herpes sores themselves are really painful, but for most it seems like nothing more than an inconvenience. It's the emotional pain associated with the diagnosis and having to tell future partners that's so upsetting. To be honest, I think that's the main reason why I've walked away in the past - I knew I could deal with the symptoms, but not the emotional pain and reactions from potential partners. That might be something you want to really think about right now given your own fragile emotional state.
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...and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd,
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to...
I just had a scare, got a coldsore and was terrified. Personally I am terrified of all sdi's and always know my status HIV included and always practice safe sex but with oral sex without a condom you can contract herpes. I think I am ok, he couldn't care less and hasnt' contacted me since I asked him if I should be worried.
I dunno it's up to you but can you really imagine having to tell every lover you have herpes for the rest of your life? I couln't put it in my mouth if I knew and knowing what I know now won't be putting another one in my mouth until it's been with it's owner to the clinic.
Herpes sounds worse than it is.....it is uncomfortable and embarrassing to say you have it, but it is another form of the Cold Sore Virus. There is HSV 1 and HSV 2 as well as Shingles. All are forms of Herpes. Outbreaks are rare as long as he takes Valtrex...he will most likely be able to tell when a flare up is coming on as there is tingling. Herpes can be as simple as a little red bump, to something that looks like an ingrown hair and the virus DOES shed (viral shedding), even when there are no other symptoms present.
The virus is easily contracted by women as our vaginal lining is much more vulnerable to tears and nicks during intercourse. No one will be able to definitively be able to give you all the answers you are looking for as people can carry the virus for years without knowing it. It's a drag but manageable. Good Luck with and the new man!
Just to let you know City Girl a Cold Sore is Herpes. You can spread it from your mouth to a partners genitals through oral sex fairly easily. The thing is, the majority of the population has HSV 1 antibodies so it's not too big a deal. It's just the stigma of the virus on the genitals that makes it any different from the one on your mouth.
Anyway, back on subject. Beatrice, taking the precautions suggested by a OB/GYN, reading up on the subject and eduating yourself are the best ways to avoid contracting it. After 10 years your man should be pretty good at reading the signs anyway.
One more thing I'd like to mention. At least he knows about his status. 25% of the US population has HSV 2, but most don't know it because they have no symptoms. And the herpes test is not in a normal STD pannel unless it is spicifically requested. However, they are still able to pass it on. This means that most of us have most likely encountered a sexual partner that has the virus. It is so very common.
I sound like a fact sheet. Can you tell I was in a R with an HSV+ person
I had a similar scare. Someone I dated told me after the fact that he had H and thought I should know and get checked.
I did copious amounts of research on the subject.
Genital H is common- most people don't even realize they have it because symptoms are mild.
Using a condom does not protect you. MOst people who contract the virus do so when a sore or symptoms are not present. It's a skin to skin contraction method.... and can take place at any time.
Being careful, using a condom, having your partner recognize when an outbreak is coming on are all ways of reducing the risk. Valtrex is also another method of helping to reduce your risk.
I'd get a blood test to screen yourself. I dated my partner for 4 months- have also dated a man with cold sores on his mouth and I didn't catch anything form him.
I wouldn't want to date a herpes person. I've never been in that situation before though,
Mr. KMT...
If you've slept with more than 4 women in your life, YOU HAVE been exposed to the virus.... 25% on the population..... and that is only what is reported. Most people who do have it have symptoms so mild, they don't know they have it.
Mr. KMT...
If you've slept with more than 4 women in your life, YOU HAVE been exposed to the virus.... 25% on the population..... and that is only what is reported. Most people who do have it have symptoms so mild, they don't know they have it.
Not like I've been throwing myself into a statistical pot with the people I've slept with, no the women who I decide to sleep with are very carefuly selected. As for your statistic I saw something that said 20% have it... but it didn't cite where that statistic came from or what age range or geographic areas were hardest hit.
Are you between the age of 18-24...?
Do you HONESTLY think that being selective- in your eyes- means you won't meet the virus in your day- or any virus for that fact? If you sleep with ONE person, you sleep with everyone they have slept with. Sorry hun, you can't avoid that.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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