Hypatia123 Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I am a 26-year old female who has never had a boyfriend. I think I'm a pretty interesting and unique person overall. I'm reasonably attractive (have modelled professionally- 5'8/125), have an career primarily as a musician and occasional indie news writer and also environmental consultant, am not obnoxiously extroverted but comfortably outgoing. I more want to get a chance to try being in a relationship than any fear of not ever meeting "the one" that I see a lot of other people have- try anything once, ya know? I'd love to take the easy way out and say I'm picky, but the truth is that no one has ever indicated interest in me other than men much older than me (eg- my father's age) who are either married (and just looking for sex) or recently divorced, or lesbian or bisexual women. I wouldn't rule out an older man but the sort of situations I've encountered aren't what I want. I have no idea what is behind the women hitting on me, although it seems to happen with some frequency. I really am at a loss for something I perceive to be statistically improbable here. My friends don't get it, and when I tell this fact to others for the first time they usually are shocked. I am a rather liberal and rational person so I can't say that I have a whole lot of limitations other than a certain level of intelligence and empathy that I look for. I've liked tall guys, short guys, class clowns, painfully shy bookworms, men of lots of different ethnic/social backgrounds, you name it. I definitely have taken the initiative in trying to start relationships, be it asking guys on dates, telling them my feelings, or even planting the odd kiss. Men just never seem to want to get involved with me that way- either saying that they think of me as just a friend, or I'm not their "type". I've tried several dating sites and nothing has worked out. I've asked friends to set me up but usually they can't think of anyone, or they tell me I'm better off single. A couple of times they did set me up with someone, and in all of the cases the guy was not interested in a romantic relationship. Most of my friends at this time are guys (colleagues from work as a musician). This whole thing isn't a huge deal in the daily course of my life, but it is something that I think needs to be addressed, and I'd really like some ideas on why this may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Aside from men and dating, how are the other relationships in your life? How do you get along with your peers and friends? Do you usually click with people and get along famously...or do you find it difficult to sustain meaningful relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hypatia123 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Pretty well, I'd say, with the exception of my family. My father was physically and verbally abusive for most of my childhood, and my mother remains rather passive-aggressive, though I have worked these issues out to a level that is functional, and occasionally cool. Apart from this situation, I get along really great with my colleagues, some of whom are now close friends. My roommates are like a second family to me, and I do have a couple of long-term friends. I generally get along well with new people I meet. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 That's strange. From everything you've said about yourself, men should be drooling over you. Either you're omitting something important about yourself or you're reading the signals all wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 That's strange. From everything you've said about yourself, men should be drooling over you. Either you're omitting something important or you're reading the signals all wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Pretty well, I'd say, with the exception of my family. My father was physically and verbally abusive for most of my childhood, and my mother remains rather passive-aggressive, though I have worked these issues out to a level that is functional, and occasionally cool. Apart from this situation, I get along really great with my colleagues, some of whom are now close friends. My roommates are like a second family to me, and I do have a couple of long-term friends. I generally get along well with new people I meet. OK... So you don't have any "issues" that alienate people from you. I asked the questions I did b/c sometimes ppl. send signals to others that they are insecure, etc, and they in turn stay away. However, if you've managed to establish and maintain relationships with others, I really don't understand why you'd have problems with dating/getting into a relationship. Do you think it's possible that you carry this expecation with you when you meet someone new? Could it be that in your desire to get into a R you jump the gun or scare the guy off? The common denominator is you. Either you are doing something wrong or meeting the wrong kinds of men. If you were to think about it, which do you think is accurate? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I agree with spookie. I actually don't see how is it possible not to have men romantically attracted to you even if you are not drop dead gorgeous. Men are not that picky about looks unless you are obese (but even then, I have obese friends that are happily dating or married). There must be something major that you are leaving out. Link to post Share on other sites
xaneurysmx Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I never had a relationship until 23. I used to get it, too: "How does such a pretty young girl like you not have a boyfriend?" I really thought I never would for so long! But eventually the right guy came along, and then he turned out not to be, lol. Based on what you've said, you sound like a great catch, and I think you just need to give it more time. I'm wondering psychologically if you subconsciously go for men who aren't interested in you because of issues with your father. That is really weird about the women though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hypatia123 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Do you think it's possible that you carry this expecation with you when you meet someone new? Could it be that in your desire to get into a R you jump the gun or scare the guy off? The common denominator is you. Either you are doing something wrong or meeting the wrong kinds of men. If you were to think about it, which do you think is accurate? I don't think I jump the gun; if anything, I'm perhaps guilty of waiting too long. There was one instance in which a guy was interested in me, and I didn't know it. I just thought of him as a friend for a couple of months, then realized I liked him. He wasn't into me in that way anymore, unfortunately. Usually I know someone for a while before I recognize that I like them, though not always. I'm not really sure what I am doing wrong, my friends (who are pretty diverse people) don't seem to have any ideas. Actually most of them tell me I'm cool for taking some initiative and actually approaching a guy. I mean whatever, you dig someone, you let them know- hopefully in a way that isn't embarrassing to them or makes them uncomfortable! Guys usually are flattered, it's just that they haven't felt similarly in my case. As far as leaving something out, I'm not really sure what that could be, but maybe you have some ideas? Or, alternately, what I could be doing wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hypatia123 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 I'm wondering psychologically if you subconsciously go for men who aren't interested in you because of issues with your father. That's something I've wondered about as well, and have discussed before in therapy. I believe there may be some element of this going on as far as who I may become attracted to, but it doesn't really explain the utter lack of interest from men I meet (well, apart from the older married men/divorcees). And, I don't really know about the women. This mostly happens in bars/parties/etc. I've only had two female friends who later indicated that they were into me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 As I said before, it's either you or the men you are being drawn to. Have you considered being set up by your friends? We also tend to behave a little differently (some people anyway) when around the sex you are attracted to. I've seen smart, sexy women turn into babbling idiots in the face of a prospective romantic connection. I'm not suggesting you are necessarily like this. Just something to think about. I wonder if maybe you show too much interest in the men you pursue. Have you ever allowed a man to come after you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hypatia123 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 As I mentioned before, there have been a few instances where I have been set up with a friend's friend. Sometimes I was interested, the guy never was. "Not their type" in all cases according to my friends. I would love to have a guy pursue me. This has just not ever happened though, except by the aforementioned older married or just divorced men. I know this sounds ridiculous- but I've never been asked out on even a date by a guy (other than the married/divorced guys). I am being serious- I've racked my brains for things I may have overlooked. The only exception to this was a date from an online dating site, in which the guy who asked me out, and I met, DID actually seem interested, but I was not feeling mutual about (and to be frank, was rather annoyed that the individual sent a picture that didn't look anything like him (50 lbs later), lied about his age by 7 years, and his height by 4 inches. these things wouldn't have been so big of a deal but the dishonesty wasn't helping the not-mutual connection). Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 As I mentioned before, there have been a few instances where I have been set up with a friend's friend. Sometimes I was interested, the guy never was. "Not their type" in all cases according to my friends. I would love to have a guy pursue me. This has just not ever happened though, except by the aforementioned older married or just divorced men. I know this sounds ridiculous- but I've never been asked out on even a date by a guy (other than the married/divorced guys). I am being serious- I've racked my brains for things I may have overlooked. The only exception to this was a date from an online dating site, in which the guy who asked me out, and I met, DID actually seem interested, but I was not feeling mutual about (and to be frank, was rather annoyed that the individual sent a picture that didn't look anything like him (50 lbs later), lied about his age by 7 years, and his height by 4 inches. these things wouldn't have been so big of a deal but the dishonesty wasn't helping the not-mutual connection). Hmmm... Do you think then perhaps that men are intimidated by you? You say you are tall and slim and have worked as a model. Perhaps the men you go for are "average" and don't feel worthy enough to date you? I dunno. Maybe I'm grasping at straws here. But something has to be up, right? Link to post Share on other sites
allieapplesauce Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I'm kinda in the same boat. I'm 25 and I haven't really had anyoone pursue me. I've gone out with 3 guys plus present guy = 4. but they lasted like 2 to 5 dates and no more than 2 mo. I don't know what I'm doing wrong either. my present asked a momth ago to be his gf but lately it seems he isn't interested but we have plans fri and forme to stay over...but then he hasn't txt me or responded back to half my txt in like a week. I'm attractive enough I guess. smart. I have good relations with friends. I'm not clingy. I guess its just how life is but I never figured on this being so tough or painful. its gotta be not that there is anything wrong with US but something not jiving with the ppl were meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I would venture a guess.. perhaps your social circle? Do you live in a small town, or see only very few of a certain type of people everyday? Or do you consider yourself 'different' from the majority there, even though you don't have problems making friends? Link to post Share on other sites
xaneurysmx Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 I'm just trying to offer another alternative, not knowing you at all. I am not implying that this is true, but perhaps you come off as just a bit awkward, and so while people find you nice and attractive and funny, etc... maybe they just don't quite feel that genuine romantic connection. It wouldn't necessarily have to be BECAUSE you are awkward, but rather because perhaps you act awkwardly since you haven't had a relationship yet and are fairly irked about it. You seem to be trying pretty hard, and while you feel that you are being laid back, it may be coming across as awkward rather than desperate. Again, not saying this is true! I think it would be worth it for you to consider more that you push men away because of the relationship you had with your father. You may have had a lot of therapy and time to deal with this in your life to a point where you have accepted it, but it is always going to affect you. How can you have a healthy relationship with a man if this is what you learned a relationship with a man to be? Maybe a part of you decided you would be better off without one and is reserving something, despite the other huge part of you that wants nothing more and rationally can see that a relationship with a man doesn't have to be the way it was with your father. You are probably still going to have work to do to really learn how to be able to trust a man. Anyway, I'm no psychologist, so I don't want to go any further there, but you can see how this could be twisting you up a bit, and so my best advice would be to try to relax and wait. Chances are, you will meet someone in the next couple years--most likely sooner--and it will be easier if you are less focused on it (and on screwing it up). I'm not saying give up, just don't try so hard. Let it come naturally. Don't go in for the "awkward kiss". If it doesn't feel right to you, he is probably sensing that. And that in itself may be a huge part in what's wrong. Maybe being with a man doesn't feel right to you and others sense it. I don't know what is wrong with these dumb guys, but you will meet someone. I know it's easy for a stranger to say so, but you sound like you have a lot to offer and you certainly, certainly will! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 hmmm Theres something I really dont like about you, probably your attitude. Change it and maybe you'll have a chance. Are you a virgin Link to post Share on other sites
Legend Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Are you a virgin? Do you come off as a B-tch? Are you too out going? Try being more passive? Link to post Share on other sites
SoHotZanzibar Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Hey, when i was 26 I never had a boyfriend either! So you are not alone! Don't worry, there is still time! Link to post Share on other sites
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Hmm, you are probably not considered GF material. Why it can be Im not sure. I seem to have the same problem. Appearance can have something to do with it probably - first time impression and such. Im not interested in one night shagging with a girl I dont even know or particulary like but yeah thats exactly what I get offered all the time. And I when I meet a girl Id like to cuddle with infront of TV on rainy nights, yeah I got the oh-another-player attitude. It is important not to appear like high maintenance, more down to earth and really cool and friendly. Younger guys wont go for you because they have less experience and courage - the more good-looking girl the more probability of rejection. And if you give a biiitch vibe your faith is almost sealed. Artists are not considered the best wives or husbands. Are you OK with your sexuality? Some girls gives the Queen of Cold vibe all the time and even they are good looking they just have no sex appeal - most lesbians are like that - no female sexual vibes = man with boobs. Change enviroment. I dont mean to pick up old plastic bottles in park. I mean change your natural habitat - friends, places where you go etc. Just suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
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