Motherly Guilt Trips

Kittiecat · 22nd February 2008, 8:33 AM

No sooner do I enter my 30s and the motherly guilt trips begin. . .

I'll try to be brief -- My mom wanted me to run some errands with her yesterday (my 30th b-day) and I had a nice day planned out for shopping and a massage - by myself. I know it's weird but I really prefer to shop on my own, especially for clothes and shoes. When I told her this, I started crying because, along with being a little depressed about turning 30, I felt guilty for taking a "me" day and I could tell she was hurt I didn't ask her to come along. After I hung up I sent her an email apologizing for the meltdown - I'm not particularly thrilled about this birthday, my tears have nothing to do w/her, etc., etc. Her response? "I get it -- you don't need me, you have your boyfriend" on and on, snide remark after snide remark.

I have to admit, that email really hurt my feelings. My mom was a stay at home mother and she did everything for us and I really appreciate it. She bent over backwards for her family and made a lot of sacrifices for us. Now she wants to be my girlfriend. I am extremely happy being on my own and building my own life with my own friends. She is always trying to inject her two cents with respect to the decisions I make. And it makes me not want to spend the day with her on a girlfriend level. To be honest, I don't think I can ever look at her in that fashion. She doesn't have any friends of her own and that really makes me sad. She's a wonderful woman but she lives for her children and now her children are grown. It's almost like she resents us for growing up and having our own lives. I hate feeling guilty for being happy and moving forward with my life. I wish she'd stop relying on me for companionship. She says things like "You're the only one I can talk to." She's been telling me that since I was 12!!! And yes, I do call and visit. Maybe not as much as she'd like, but I do make an effort because I love my mom and want us to have a good relationship. But that's not good enough, apparently.

Anyway, that's my rant. I'd be interested to hear from any women with adult daughters because I have no clue as to how to handle this.

And as a side note -- I never really look in the "Family" section but it looks like there are plenty of women who have issues with their moms, so it's good to know I'm not alone.

Pyro · 22nd February 2008, 11:15 AM

Not a women here, but I just wanted to comment that I see that she hasn't changed a bit.

She doesn't want to lose you, but the way she is going about it is only pushing you away. Have you told her how you felt?

Kittiecat · 22nd February 2008, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pyro

She doesn't want to lose you, but the way she is going about it is only pushing you away. Have you told her how you felt?

In many different ways, yes. Nothing gets through to her. I'm the last one she'll listen to because I'm still a little girl in her eyes and I don't know anything. This is why I wish she had friends her age who could set her straight. She'd be more likely to listen to her peers.

Pyro · 22nd February 2008, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kittiecat

In many different ways, yes. Nothing gets through to her. I'm the last one she'll listen to because I'm still a little girl in her eyes and I don't know anything. This is why I wish she had friends her age who could set her straight. She'd be more likely to listen to her peers.

You need to find her some friends or some people whom she can talk to instead of relying on you for that.

Any ideas?