This is a long story please bear with me as I seriously need some help!
My husband of 12 years recently told me that he is besexual and that he doesnt think he loves me anymore! We have been together a total of 16 years and were good friends before becoming romantically involved. We have 2 gorgeous kids and apart from a few hiccups, have had a very happy life together.
He has not had any relationships or encounters with a man but he says that he wished he had have before we got together! So do I, maybe I wouldnt be here today!!!! The hurtful thing is that before we got together I asked him whether he was gay. He was always quite effeminate when he was young, not that you'd think that now! He denied it and as he had had girlfriends I didn't take it any further. Our relationship progressed and we became lovers - we have never really had any problems in that department, only on a few occasions when he has failed to rise to the occasion, but on the whole our sex life has been very good and fulfilling.
8 and a half years ago was the first I heard of his bisexuality. I was on the verge of having our 2nd child, my pregnancy was a nightmare from start to finish and our relationship suffered emotionally and in communication. We have always been so close, doing everything together, he truly is my soulmate, my one and only true love, so it wasnt until I gave up work a few weeks before the birth that I noticed that we were not as close anymore.
When I questioned him he broke down and told me he was bisexual and had been thinking about it more than ever. I moved straight out as I just couldnt handle it all at that time. Anyway we kept in touch and 2 weeks later I gave birth to our baby girl. Just before the birth he begged and pleaded with me to take him back saying that he was just confused but he was sure that I was all he wanted out of life, he couldnt imagine life without me and to please take him back.
Anyway I did, like a fool, even though the past 8 1/2 years have been brilliant but last week he has now done it to me again. This time he has moved out to his brothers and I really think that there is no hope.
I am furious with him that he couldnt live with the choice that he made as now we have the lives of 2 young children to consider aswell. If he does decide that he wants this life I just dont know what I can do. When do I tell the girls? As it is if they watch a tv programme and 2 men or 2 women kiss they exclaim 'urgh, thats so wrong' so how the hell with they come to terms with the fact that their dad now may be embarking on a relationship with a man?
He has gone away to 'clear his mind and decide what he wants' I have told him as far as I am concerned we have separated as I cannot put my life on hold any longer. To tell the truth, as much as I love him and cant imagine my life without him I just dont know whether I could have him back this time, when will be the next time he destroys my life?
I know I dont need to worry about him going out and doing anything, he is not like that and he knows full well that I would never take him back after he has been with a man. Maybe that is why he doesnt love me anymore, as he sees me as a post between him and his bisexual needs?
by the way, 8 1/2 years ago when i took him back he told me that the bisexual feelings were nothing to worry about. That it was more bicurious. And over the years when I have had insecure moments he has always reassured me he doesnt think about it!!!! what a fool i have been putting all my love and trust into this man
he is one of 4 brothers.
I haven't put it in their minds for sure, it's generally kids today - who knows what they talk about at school etc! I just dont think they will receive it well if he does take that route. He is their dad, the head of the household, I think they will find it hard to deal with but if the need arise, I will be there, as will he, to help them through it. Thats why I'm asking if anyone has advice on how we can tackle this if needed. It has to be done sensitively but at the moment I am hurting way too much to think straight. I know it may not even happen or could be months or years down the line but it still doesnt stop the worry now
I've read many stories like yours. I'm sorry to say that they don't usually have happy endings. Homosexuality is the kind of thing that's nearly impossible for a man to suppress. He may be "happily" married to a woman for years, but a breaking point inevitably comes -- usually some stressor triggers it. Bisexuality for a man is usually a transitional phase on the road to full homosexuality. The fact that your husband wants to leave you and feels so unfulfilled suggests that he is more gay than straight.The birth of your first child triggered his gay desires because it was a wake up call to him that he was settling into a life that would leave him feeling unfulfilled. If you take your husband back, he will just break your heart again somewhere down the road. Even if he experiments in the meantime, that desire will come back again. Unless you're willing to have an open marriage, I'm sorry to say it probably won't work.
I had a boyfriend who turned out to be gay, so I kind of know what you're going through. That was devastating enough -- can't imagine what it must be like to be married to a gay man. At first he totally denied having gay tendencies, then he was bisexual, and finally gay.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th January 2008 at 9:08 PM.
I am sure he has had homosexual experiences before. Men that are closetedly bi DO dabble, and NEVER let their wives/gf's know.
Last year, I had a MMF three-way. One of the M involved was a cop - 6'3", 250 pounds, 11% body fat, bald, just a STUNNING specimen of a man. There is not one ounce of homosexuality about his demeanor. However, he IS bi, and does have sex with men. He ONLY has relationships with women, and has NEVER had a gf know his truth (besides me, and it was our downfall). He is SO closested, and just purely willing to compartmentalize his homosexual desires and activities from him hetero life.
He struggles. This poor man STRUGGLES. As I am sure your hubby has, and is, as well.
Thing is, you need to find out if he wants to have relationships with men, or just sex. This IS something that you can work through and still be together. Just depends if he is coming out as gay to you, or just wants male affairs on the side.
Regardless, try bisexual.com - I think you will find some wonderful advice and guidance there.
Blessed be.
__________________ "He's what you call man pretty."
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th January 2008 at 9:10 PM.
Hi I want to say Im so sorry you are going through all this. I grew up with two girls whose father came out, and left their family when they were about 5, and now we are in our 20's. its honestly a worst case scenario story though. He ruined their family.. you should probably get out now. I think I might ask my friend to post something on here to talk to you from a daughters pov
Hi I want to say Im so sorry you are going through all this. I grew up with two girls whose father came out, and left their family when they were about 5, and now we are in our 20's. its honestly a worst case scenario story though. He ruined their family.. you should probably get out now. I think I might ask my friend to post something on here to talk to you from a daughters pov
Hi, it would be extremely helpful if your friend could post something on here as I have decided over the last couple of days that even if he does want to give it another go, I am not going there, as much as I love him and I do truly believe he is my soulmate. My heart and sanity cannot cope with going through this again and as someone said in an earlier thread, it WILL rear its head again as this is part of his sexuality that he must explore and fulfil. I am not entertaining an open relationship, why should I? I am a heterosexual woman who does not wish to enter into that lifestyle, not that I am dissing anyone elses chosen lifestyle - each to their own and I know for sure that that life is not for me.
My main concern is my 2 beautiful girls and what their reaction will be. Also when the time comes that we have to sit them down and tell them, how do we do this? So it would be brilliant if your friend can let me know from her pov and does something like this leave the children with confusions over their own sexuality? My girls are 8 and 12
OK, I'm confused. If he is bisexual, then wouldn't you qualify as a candidate in his pool of candidates of sexual partners? I'm struggling to see the difference with this and any other mid-life crisis. He either loves you and wants you as his wife or he wants someone else, male or female. I'm really not sure what makes his crisis any different. Now if he's just into men, then that would be a different story.
This is may be too private of a topic to ask her about... I asked my sister if we should approach her and she said right now is not a good time. sorry..
I can tell you that no the girls have never came out. Never ever seemed gay or bi.
The two girls are very very different. the one my age, we'll call her "K" has grown up very normal, popular in school, and is in college and has been dating the same guy for a few years.
The younger daughter "E" has always been very wild, loud, trying to get attention, saying things to make ppl uncomfortable, overly premiscous, and in bad relationships all the time. She's had multiple boyfriends, usually are older, so if anyone looked at this situation could see she has daddy issues. Shes goes to therapy..
Okay THIS is what made me start writing to you.. My boyfriend and I were broken up last year and everyone was telling me that him and his friend were gay together. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, and was slightly amused at the gossip. I was at my friend E.'s house and was like "what if he is? can you tell?" and she looked at me dead serious and told me to STAY AWAY from him.
That is the advice from someone who's affected by it first hand. Not "Oh you can work it out."
Their mother is very happily married to another man, who had also been divorced and has kids.
OK, I'm confused. If he is bisexual, then wouldn't you qualify as a candidate in his pool of candidates of sexual partners? I'm struggling to see the difference with this and any other mid-life crisis. He either loves you and wants you as his wife or he wants someone else, male or female. I'm really not sure what makes his crisis any different. Now if he's just into men, then that would be a different story.
This is one thing that totally confuses me too. I guess he has reached a stage in his life where he wants to explore this side of his sexuality. I totally didnt see any of this happening, everything seemed fine and since the initial time he told me 8 and a half years ago, we both agreed that our relationship was stronger. I have been sufferring from depression for a while as lost my sister unexpectedly last year. Before I was always very extrovert and confident but obviously the depression knocked me for 6, maybe he didnt like the new me? Lovely to know you have the support of your husband in your hour of need eh?
A friend of his told me he thinks he will want to come back to me. He knows full well that I will not take him back if he has slept with anyone else, but I am so confused at what to do. Part of me wants to take him back for our girls sake, security of family and to get those good times back but another part of me is saying to stay well away as how long until he does it the next time? I dont feel I could ever trust him to tell me the truth again as only last month he was telling me how much he loved me, wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and I have no reason to feel threatened! It's all been lies and I find that really hard to deal with. My head is just so messed up now. I try to put on a brave face for my kids but inside I am hurting so so much.
Why tell your little girls anything? Can't you just say that you have decided to live apart for a while because you are having "normal" marital problems?
They are far too young to be equipped to handle this kind of info. Children do need to be protected from the harsh realities of life. When they become adults, then, is the time to broach this kind of topic.
__________________ I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. Voltaire
I think in your husbands case he has a pure physical and emotional attraction to a man .
He will satisfy his curiosity at some point here soon.
He wants the affections of a man and has for most of his entire life. There is no surgery or medicine for this .
He was BORN with an attraction towards men which later surfaced when he hit puberty. He repressed it and then met you. He has denied what he wants to do for years. He will do it. I agree with previous poster that the kids should just be told Mom and Dad are seperating...thats it.
__________________
"how do you gently break up with someone???..
Thats like saying how do I gently drive a monster truck through a china/glass/crystal shop.
__________________
Just like to thank those of you who offered advice with this. We have now separated for good. He says at the moment he doesnt want a relationship with anyone as needs to get himself sorted. I think eventually he will go with a man, whether after this he decides thats what he wants from life is his business. We still get along and wil both be there for the children, at the moment we are not telling them anything as nothing concrete has been decided. I hope for their sakes that he does not choose that way of life but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I know they will be heartbroken as i was however I will be there every step of the way for them, as no doubt my ex will.
I am now looking forward to a future with me and my girls and possibly one day in the future a new loving relationship with someone new! Pity the poor guy though, i will make him take a lie detector test before letting him into my heart!!! lol
Thanks again, I am no longer Devastated. I have regrets, anger and sorrow that so much of our life together was based on lies but I know I can never change him and nor do I want to. I have realised that I will be better off in life without him and all the insecurities that have dogged me for the past 8 1/2 years.
My advice to anyone going through the same type of thing is to let go. Sometimes we have to let go of those we love to find true happiness ourselves. I know I deserve to be loved and desired for me. I hope he finds happiness in his life too and that our beautiful daughters never have to find out, and if they do, they can see through the sexuality to their dad, the number 1 guy in their lives! x
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