have been married to my wife for 3 years. And the past 4 months we have been having problems. It all started out like this.
We seemed very happy, we had very few problems. But I had to go on an extended business trip and could not take my wife with me. So I had my wife go to her parents house because we were planning on relocating and I had to find a place first.
When I was gone my wife started saying things like "you just shipped me out here because you want to divorce me." etc etc.... my wife for some reason got the idea in her head that I was abandoning her, which was FARTHEST from the truth. Realizing there was problems, I quit my new job opportunity and packed my bags and drove all the way across country to try and fix our marriage.
After moving in with my wife I found out that while i was away she was sending sexually explicit text messages to a workmate as well as nude photos back and forth. When I found out I approached her about it and she was hysterical. She was crying beggin and pleading for me not to leave her because she loves me so much and she was so sorry. Apparently nothing happened other than nude photos and the sex text messages....
Regardless I stuck it out. But because I am young and this is my first marriage i never even thought of marriage counselling. Things seemed to be going good. My wife was still acting the way she did when she was first married.
But then a few weeks later I caught her sending more sexually explicit text messages. This time to a guy that she had been playing video games with for a while. She used to slip outside and call him for hours on the phone. Once again. I put an end to it, she said she was very sorry and felt very bad about what she did.
The next week I had to fly to Arizona for a business trip. I bought my wife a plane ticket to come out 2 weeks later. The first few days I was out there she would always call me telling me that she loves me and misses me and can't wait to see me. But 4 day's later she started calling some new 20 year old alcoholic kid she met over a video game. The next day she told me she didnt love me anymore, and that she is falling in love with a new guy. I asked her to end it immediately because it would not be good for our marriage. She said "its too late, im in too deep Jason. I don't want to break his heart." So now she is worried about the heart of someone she has been talking to for a few days and not the man she's been married to for 3 years? A few days after that she said she never loved me and she is deeply in love with this new kid she just started talking to.
A week later she rerouted the ticket i bought for her to fly to TX to meet this kid. She had sex with him and called me telling me that she had been praying to god to help end our marriage & send her a man to make her happy. And thats when "god showed me danny." She told me that she realizes that our marriage has very few problems and could easily work out, but she doesnt want it to work because she is in love with "danny" now. She was going to move in with this kid & his dad. But his dad found out shes married & that his son is a homewrecker so he banned her from his home.
So she moved in to one of his friends house w/ him. She works a job at starbucks, and says she is divorcing me as soon as she saves up the money because "me and danny are going to be together forever, we are so deeply in love, and he makes me happier than you ever made me."
I just dont undertstand it. I havent heard from my wife in almost 3 months now.
All I know is she is living a new life with someone she met over the internet and moved to be with inside a month.
I am shocked and deeply hurt that she says I never meant anything, and she has no regrets. She cut off all her family (and so has he), she cut off all her friends, and she cut me off too.... After 3 years she just decided to end it all... How can people have no remorse? Will she ever realize her mistake? I tried doing everything, and STILL want to reconcile with my wife... But she says I'm a horrible person that deserves to die. bla bla bla.......
What hurts the most, is she was ALWAYS very affectionate, warm and loving. Even the week before I left we did so much together like going to the park, the beach, the movies. She always held my hand, and acted all giddy in my presence. Always hugging cuddling and telling me how much she loves me.... So I am utterly dumbfounded and don't know what to do.
Also note too that my wife suffers from depression, and very low self esteem and always needs someone there...Codependant. Even if I was gone for just 1 day she would have guy friends over to keep her from being lonely. I tried my hardest to make her feel beautiful and would always try doing little things like making breakfast in bed and writing i love you in syrup, and stuff like that. But I guess the little things like that meant nothing. She said she can never forgive me for anything I ever did wrong in the relationship... which is sad because I always forgave and forgot. And yet she used to also say that she is a horrible wife, and that I could do better than her. I would reassure her I only want to love her. But guess those feelings just continued tell she found someone that will make her "happy".
b4 she left she told her mother that she doesn't regret her mistakes but she has learned from them... I doubt that is true because if it was you wouldnt be "in love" w/ someone after a week... & move half way across country to be with them a few weeks later.
Will this relationship last forever like she thinks? Neither side of the family supports it. Both young & Immature. I'm so lost and hurt =( It's been 3 mos, & I've been cut off cold turkey after being together almost everyday for 3 years. Can someone like this really live this lie forever, or do they come crawling back? but they do seem happy... I know one thing though, its killing her inside that her parents have cut her off and want nothing to do with her now, but not enough to make her regret what she did... Can this relationship be successful? Good things shouldn't come from such bad beginning... I am so hurt and lost and confused..
Also note too that my wife suffers from depression, and very low self esteem and always needs someone there...Codependant
Until SHE realizes she is messed up and needs counselling, I suggest you let her go as she is going to have depression forever. You deserve better and more, honestly, I don't think she's capable of being happy - She's run from you, the marriage and whatever problems in it into the arms of another man, not for love, but to escape.
I am glad that there are no kids in this mess because it would be harder on you..
She has chosen to let her life become this way and there's nothing you, her parents or anyone can do to change that. Sorry, I know you're in pain, but for your own sanity, it might be best for you to let go and move on from her...She has issues and especially right now SHE isn't thinking clearly at all.
Regardless of whether or not she'd ever come back, you need to get on with your life. Doesnt have to be dating or a new relationship, but get out and do something that takes your mind off your failed marriage. Join a chuch, start riding a bike, support a candidate -anything that involves other people. Time to start focusing on the part of this that's under your control as you may never understand why she's done what she's done...
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Clearly you're hurt and confused, and I don't blame you one bit. Please keep in mind:
This is about her and her issues, not you. No matter what you did or how hard you tried, she would have run away eventually anyway.
Until she realizes that she has serious issues and works to resolve them, she won't live "happily ever after" with anyone. She'll just continue repeating the same behavior.
Even if she did try to come back to you, this is not the first time she's betrayed you. Sending nude photos to other guys, etc., is disrespectful of you and your marriage, so why would you want to live with that anyway?
You've worked to keep your marriage going. You've done nothing to deserve betrayal. Don't run yourself through the ringer over this. You should focus now on taking care of your needs and put the marriage out of your mind. As Mr. Lucky said, those are the things that you can control. The rest will unfold however it's going to.
Our stories are somewhat similiar. My X went out to a different state to work and make money to pay for our wedding. While out there he met someone and left me completely. Telling me he never loved me and that I was a mistake. And he was SO mean to me. She is now pregnant and he is moving out there. He hasn't spoken to anyone form our life and barely speaks to his own parent's. Most of our breakup was done via text message and email - he woudln't even talk to me and I was living wiht HIS parent's.
My x also suffered from depression and many other emotional disorders as as well as alcholism. He was also VERY affectionate and was always sayin how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how proud he is to be my husband, etc. There were NO issues in our relationship besides the regular stuff.
I don't know why he made this decision and struggle with it everyday but I am starting to think that I am better off. He could have done this when we had children and broken their hearts too. I suggest you get in to counseling immediately and start living YOUR life. She may come back...she may not...but seriously, do you even want her back? Will you ever be able to trust her again? I mean, after all is said and done...she's shown her true colors...is that someone you want to be married to?
I wish you much strength for I know what this does to your self esteem, your self worth, you just feel so worthless. BUT...you need to realize that there is nothing you could have done...she needs help!
I can't say if she will ever regret it or if she truly loves this OM, but that needs to be the least of your worries. (I know that's so hard to hear...trust me I struggle with this EVERYDAY) but you need to MOVE ON! Put yourself first...she hasn't been at all. There is someone out there who would NEVER put you through this...you deserve to be with someone who doesn't leave you like that.
I wish you the best of luck with this.
I am here if you need to talk!
__________________
When you're strong, you sparkle!
I think I am almost over him!!!
Last edited by Confused9; 15th December 2007 at 5:07 PM.
Broken, you are a lucky man.... lucky you didn't find this out 15-20 years from now as some of us have.
You don't have a marriage anymore. You still have an estranged wife who you are not in contact with. She's off in Texas sharing her vagina with her 20 year old soulmate Danny. From your post it doesen't sound like you have children. Count your blessings and see a lawyer Monday morning to formalize what you already know is true.
The rest of your life is a long time. Start living it wisely.
I know most people say I should divorce and move on like she did... It's just I can't seem to grasp how she could instantly move on while still being married and not even have a second though... I mean while she has a new boyfriend and tons of new friends and essentially a brand new life I'm stuck alone and miserable.
Honestly I don't understand how something so bad, and so wrong and hurtful is actually working for her... how can someone be so happy from something like this and actually have it be successful? It make's no god damn sense.
I know most people say I should divorce and move on like she did... It's just I can't seem to grasp how she could instantly move on while still being married and not even have a second though... I mean while she has a new boyfriend and tons of new friends and essentially a brand new life I'm stuck alone and miserable.
Honestly I don't understand how something so bad, and so wrong and hurtful is actually working for her... how can someone be so happy from something like this and actually have it be successful? It make's no god damn sense.
Some people seem to have an amazing ability to rationalize and compartmentalize. I'm with you, I don't understand it either, and I did a fair amount of rationalization when I had my affair. But apparently she's constructed some view in her mind that takes such extreme hurtfulness and justifies it. She needs psychological help, but I guess that'll be her new man's problem now. Be glad it's off your plate.
I just wanted to say that you sound like a really sweet guy and I am so sorry this happened to you. It was never your fault and you cannot fix her until she fixes herself. I agree with the others, she will keep repeating the pattern.
You deserve so much more, but I know you love her and you wish she'd come to her senses. The thing is, you need to realise she is not who you thought she was - and she seems to be a very unstable person. Even if she came back, what you've said makes it seem she would do it again and again.
Please think twice if she ever comes back. But before she can, move on to find someone who will treasure your "I love you"s in syrup...
that is my problem right now. I don't even know how to move on. I'm not super social. I work for myself and I'm in a new state with no friends. So I can't help but dwell. Its sure easier for her . Her new situation came loaded with friends. I try to do things that I enjoyed but I can't find any joy in anything I do now. So most of my time now is spent alone, and when thAt happens I get to thinking again.... I would like to move on but I have serious trust issue's now. I was engaged once b4 and had the same crap pulled on me. I don't really think I can handle another hurt, this whole event made me suicidal, I lost it. Not that I am even ready for another relationship, but I truly dread being hurt so badly again. Not to mention it seems that nice guys like me get screwed and people like my wife seem to prosper from what they do so why even bother trying anymore.
I would like to move on but I have serious trust issue's now. I was engaged once b4 and had the same crap pulled on me. I don't really think I can handle another hurt, this whole event made me suicidal, I lost it. Not that I am even ready for another relationship, but I truly dread being hurt so badly again. Not to mention it seems that nice guys like me get screwed and people like my wife seem to prosper from what they do so why even bother trying anymore.
You don't need to move on in terms of "gotta get into a new relationship". Just keeping yourself busy in a social sense does two positive things for you:
- It takes your mind off your problems
- It allows you to understand that not all people you get close to are like your wife.
Worst thing you can do is stay at home alone in your apartment with a bottle of tequila and a bunch of old letters and photos. Get out into the world, there's a whole bunch of good things waiting for you...
I agree with Mr Lucky...you don't need to go out and date but just get out: meet new people, take up a new hobby, anything to get your mind of your W.
You need to begin your new life! It is not up to you to make your life what you want. Do what you want. You can't wait for her to come to her senses or realize that she's made a mistake because...she may never do so. (Why can't I take my own advice???)
Good luck to you. You sound like a great guy. Please don't take any of this personally. Just unlucky in love. Third times a charm, maybe?
Broken, feel free to read my "still stalled" thread and see if any of her characteristics are simlilar to my wife's. I'm surely not in your shoes, but your wife's issues sound a little familiar, and a litte more than what I'm dealing with. Also, please checkout helpguide.org and educate yourself on mental health issues. Depression is often a symptom of an unresolved traumatic childhood event, or series of events, or something that f'd up an otherwise normal person's coping skills. In most cases, normaly people don't just get seriously depressed. Either a traumatic life changing event triggers it, or an unresolved event from their past creeps into the present. Be sure to look up "borderline personality disorder." Spend a little time at helpguide learning what characterisitcs your wife has and which illnesses they fall into. Keep in mind that mental health issues are based purely on symptoms, not xrays or blood tests. While you're clearly not a dr, educating yourself will help you. And while education won't change the situation, it will help you realize that you have no control over this. None. Can't fix it at all. Understading this will empower you for your own needs and sense of self. Hang in there. It's best for these things to come out sooner rather than later. I'm 38 and feeling lucky as hell that my wife's issues came out now and not at 48 or 58.
Broken, feel free to read my "still stalled" thread and see if any of her characteristics are simlilar to my wife's. I'm surely not in your shoes, but your wife's issues sound a little familiar, and a litte more than what I'm dealing with. Also, please checkout helpguide.org and educate yourself on mental health issues. Depression is often a symptom of an unresolved traumatic childhood event, or series of events, or something that f'd up an otherwise normal person's coping skills. In most cases, normaly people don't just get seriously depressed. Either a traumatic life changing event triggers it, or an unresolved event from their past creeps into the present. Be sure to look up "borderline personality disorder." Spend a little time at helpguide learning what characterisitcs your wife has and which illnesses they fall into. Keep in mind that mental health issues are based purely on symptoms, not xrays or blood tests. While you're clearly not a dr, educating yourself will help you. And while education won't change the situation, it will help you realize that you have no control over this. None. Can't fix it at all. Understading this will empower you for your own needs and sense of self. Hang in there. It's best for these things to come out sooner rather than later. I'm 38 and feeling lucky as hell that my wife's issues came out now and not at 48 or 58.
I know my wife has issue's other than depression and low self esteem. These are what I feel has shaped her as a person. First out let me say that my 3yr marriage was her first relationship of consequence, she has been through many relationships, never lasting longer than 6-9mos, she was always dumped... she never did anything this crazy though.. she was a virgin when i married her.
Her issue's from childhood:
Alcoholic father
Father physically abused her
Lost her sister at age 16 (permantly brain damaged)
** as a result she essentially lose her mother too as she takes care of her sister full time
Almost raped at knifepoint by a boyfriend at 17
Dropped out of high school at 16 to work fulltime
I'm sure there are more that I forgot... but I will say this... every relationship she has ever been in, including myself, she felt she was in love within a few days... (same with this situation) Make's me wonder if she knows what love really is. :-\ Ultimately I think unless she really has changed her next relationship will fail... it's just so hard to see her do this...
Depression and self esteem typically do shape a person. And in most cases, there is history (events/trauma) that created the depression and low self esteem. You just named a few issues that are breeding grounds for these issues. I don't know how old she is, but it sounds like maybe she never got a chance to have a little fun and maybe never learned what unconditional love is?
I would still encourage reading up on my recommendations. You'll find some insight in it and feel a lot better about yourself. I promise.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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