I started a thread on the infidelity thread earlier in the month. I thought that my husband was having an affair with a woman for the following reasons:
1]Left house early one morning, all dressed up and smelling of cologne and tried to sneak out without saying goodbye. . His work called me looking for him, as he had no turned up for an important meeting.He was 'missing' for three hours. His explanation was that he was 'sitting in a coffee shop'.
2]We have not had sex in 3 years. Avoids being alone with me
3]Plumber called to unplug clogged toilet in his bathroom and it was FULL of condoms.
4]I found condoms in ihs bathroom that have expiration date of 5/2011. We don't need condoms for birth control.Furthermore, we have NOT HAD SEX IN 3 years
On the other thread , I was advised to do some snooping. I did, and found gay homoerotic books hidden in the bedroom. And he has been viewing gay male to male websites.
Additonal info:
He is leaving soon for a 10 day tropical vacation without me or the kids. I snooped on his hotel reservation and it reads request:room for 2 adults.
He has purchased many new fancy undies. Pastel colors, clingy, some with drawstrings.Has become very interested in personal grooming.
He has subscribed to International Male, Men's Fitness and has been visiting the 'gym' daily, sometimes gone for several hours at the 'gym'. Sometimes leaves at 11pm for the 'gym' but no noticable change in his appearance. He should look like a body builder by now!
He has become defensive and is picking fights and real personality change.His has seemed to be [what I thought] in a mid-life crisis Doing crazy stuff that is so unlike him. Buying extremely expensive 'boy toys'. No longer interested in home maintainence and seeming to completley ignore me. Seems most interested in the computer. Sometimes does not even take his coat off, goes right to his computer in isolated office. Sits on front of computer until very late at night.
Also, keeps car locked up like Fort Knox and keeps his briefcase locked up inside car. I am not even allowed to get at his car keys to move the car in the driveway. All very mysterious. How can I get into that computer and get real evidence.
Please help me here, I feel like I am going to go off the deep end.
Advice please. On the other forum, a person seemed to think that I was making all of this up!
In this case truth is stranger than fiction.
Married about 20 years and kids still at home.
Please help me
Well two choices,
1. Break the car window and get the computer
or
2. Tell him I found A.B.C.....and you will now go get that computer out of your car and prove to me I am going crazy or I am leaving...
Get the VIN number and take it to the dealer. They can cut you a new key. Same last name and all (FYI sometimes they don't even care, SCARY).
Sounds like he's gay to me. Or, if bi, then at least more homosexual than hetero- at this moment in life.
__________________
A daughter of hope and fear, religion explains to Ignorance the nature of the unknowable. -Ambrose Bierce
From the looks of it, you have a husband on the Down Low. All the signs scream a married man who has a gay secret lifestyle. The discovery of gay erotic material is all you need to have to know that your husband is sleeping with men.
I suggest that you let your husband leave for his trip, and while he is gone do some long hard thinking about how you are going to confront him Gather all of your evidence and remember to stay calm no matter what. You husband will become extremely defensive without a doubt. As painful as this is going to be, YOU HAVE TO CONFRONT HIM. You guys haven't had sex in 3 years, so the risk of disease is low, but I would get tested just be safe.
As a gay man, it really pains me to see other gay men who try and mask their homosexuality by getting married, only to break their wife's heart and possibly infect her with an STD.
There are many resources online that will give you good advice from women who have been through similar situations. Just find them through google.
Thank you all for your input
I have many questions
1]Do gay men use a specific type /brand of condom. If the exp date is 5/11, when is the earliest they could have been purchased?.
2]Someone on the infidelity thread mentioned that the condoms might be for use in masturbation..to keep from being messy. Well if that is what he is using them for, why not use the old expired ones that have been left around the house from years ago when we did need condoms?
3]Do straight men EVER read homoerotic literture as masturbation aid or is this a clear sign that he is gay?
4] Is is a sure thing that he is having sex with life people and not just reading the homoerotic stuff to get turned on?THis question goes back to number 3 above.
5]Why be so secretive about the car? Why would a man not want his wife to get into the car? What could possibly be so incriminating in the car?
6]How could a man be doing this stuff and then come home to his family like nothing has happened?He knows how I feel about infidelity and knows that he is risking his marriage and also his kids.
7]I read on another website that sometimes males revert [or whatever the correct term is] when they are exposed to triggers in middle age? Can anyone elaborate on triggers?
8]Also seems that most marriages are doomed if man decides to acknowlege his gay identity
9]Should I confront him myself? Do I have enough evidence?. Should I involve a professional so that he cannot squirm out of this?
I feel sick, like my body is frozen. Is this hell or what?
I can not imagine the pain you are in and I am sorry...
You know the answers to all those questions already, you are just hoping it is something else...I do have a question for you...He came up to you one day and said, Oh btw I am going to a tropical island on vacation and you and the kids are not going with me?
I know, it may seem like I am grasping at straws, but please help me fill in the blanks. I am trying to process all of this and figure out what to do. and how to hanlde all of this I want to be prepared for all the denial with responses that are smart so that he cannot worm out and I am hoping that someone can help me think this through!
Thank you all for your input
I have many questions
1]Do gay men use a specific type /brand of condom. If the exp date is 5/11, when is the earliest they could have been purchased?.
No, gay men are just like anyone else, that purchase condoms, thats it. Someone on the other post told you the condoms are good for X # of years, and it was proof they were bought recently (btw did you tell your husband the plumber pulled condoms out of the toilet??) I know I would have "mentioned" it
2]Someone on the infidelity thread mentioned that the condoms might be for use in masturbation..to keep from being messy. Well if that is what he is using them for, why not use the old expired ones that have been left around the house from years ago when we did need condoms? - you answered your own question...He would use those ones, not new ones
3]Do straight men EVER read homoerotic literture as masturbation aid or is this a clear sign that he is gay? I don't know of any straight men that masturbate to gay lit.
4] Is is a sure thing that he is having sex with life people and not just reading the homoerotic stuff to get turned on?THis question goes back to number 3 above. Nothing is sure, maybe he is "testing" out being gay so when he does have sex with "real Life: men he knows what to do--but that dear is a stretch
5]Why be so secretive about the car?Becasue he is hiding something Why would a man not want his wife to get into the car?because he is hiding something What could possibly be so incriminating in the car? Don't know for sure, but I am sure it is worse than what is hiding in the house (Condoms and gay-porn mags) could be love letters, could be the something about the trip, could be anything..but I bet you it's bad
6]How could a man be doing this stuff and then come home to his family like nothing has happened? Many people do this "stuff" and come home..I know you have been reading other post He knows how I feel about infidelity and knows that he is risking his marriage and also his kids.Yes most people do know that when they get into EMA,but alot of people are still doing it
7]I read on another website that sometimes males revert [or whatever the correct term is] when they are exposed to triggers in middle age? Can anyone elaborate on triggers?- I have no idea what you are talking about, sorry, But I am sure it is another "excuse" you are trying to come up with
8]Also seems that most marriages are doomed if man decides to acknowlege his gay identity- Yes I would think most M/W marriages would be doomed if one decided that they are gay...Although if you wanted to I am sure he would stay married and have sex on the side with men, not saying you have to divorce him (not my decision to make) But I do believe he needs to let you know what is going on
9]Should I confront him myself? Yes, unless you want me to do it?Do I have enough evidence?You had enough evidence a long time ago, Should I involve a professional so that he cannot squirm out of this? A professional? do they have professionals that make your husband not only admit he is having an affair, but is also gay??? If there is someone in this world that can do that, I think we should use them on Osama...or Bush for that matter
I feel sick, like my body is frozen. Is this hell or what?
This is aweful, and I am sorry if my post came off as rude, but I really want you to see that THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING, I don;t know if he will come clean about (odds are no) But YOU know what the truth is...I am really sorry....
Can you hire a PI? I mean, once he's on this holiday, you should call the hotel and ask questions. OR, grab a friend and go book a flight, follow him to this place he's going to! I'm not kidding.
I know you need to see the truth upclose, but the way things are going, all from what you've said, something is wrong and he is up to no good.
Maybe "it" hasn't happened yet, but he's halfway there...
OR
You could just confront him with all that you know and are feeling.
This is just unimaginable.
I must be the most ignorant woman on the planet. There was not one shred of doubt in my mind when we married that he was 100% straight.Great guy. Great Dad. Very kind and loving..., still is to the kids.He seemed more and more withdrawn the last few years and I just thought it was midlife crisis.He has seemed to intentionlly try to set me off by doing outrageous things. Now I know why. He has had free rein to come and go as he pleases throughout the years , I never questioned a thing. Wow, perfect wife for this type of guy.
Now, can anyone tell me how I could get into his desktop computer while he is gone? I want, I need black and white proof of his shenanigans. I think the computer would be the way to get the goods.I am going to work on getting a key for the car which he left at the airport. And the house will be ransacked in the next week looking for the goods. This guy is very smart and I am sure has covered his tracks very well. I am very worried about the kids and their reaction. I am strong and can take care of myself, but worry about them a lot. Pretty sad that I have to get advice on the internet because this whole mess is just so shameful and shocking and disgusting.
I need to protect my children . That is of utmost concern to me . I will be fine, but this could be very hard on my darlings.
Truth is stranger than fiction. Christ Almighty.My family thinks he walks on water.a
Do you know his password? IF not the only thing I could think of is push the "forgot password" button and change it, you should know all the questions they ask, he will know you looked at the computer, but do you care??
I don't have children so I have no idea how you should deal with that, I am sorry for your pain
All right, I have opened a bottle of wine and may have a little trouble typing, but am trying to figure this out. .
The r@# B@#$%^& is very far away on this vacation and I have, as I said, children still at home. this is my chance to completly strip the house and check everything out. I just cannot take off and spy on the A@###$)#
I have just had another thought which is really scary. Remember, I had total trust in the A@##$%(# until recently]. Isn't being a gay guy [that is married] a perfect set up for blackmail?. The guy is very successful businessman. I never have had a good grasp of financial state. Have always worked and taken care of myself. Do you think it is prudent to find out financial state somehow in case R@#B@#$ decides to dump the lot of us and go off with one of his male lovers?
This house is going to be STRIPPED over this weekend. I will find anything hidden here. I am thinking of arrivng at the airport the morning that he arrives home. Tell him I know the whole thing. Press him to confess right there. Need hard facts first, even though you think that I have plenty.
You know, the last time he went away on business, he came home and was unpacking . HE had dumped his suitcase contents on the bed. I thought that I saw condoms on the bed, but he scooped up everything and started putting it all away and I thought that I was just seeing things.
Here is whst pissses [sp[ me off the most...I am straight female. I have not had sex in 3 years...there are plenty of attractive men out there that I could have jumped for sex...I was committed to my marriage, so NEVER thought about screwing around. Why is it okay that he can just becasue he had the urge to satisfy his homosexual urges. Rat B@#$%^^!!!!
At this point I am so mad, that he is lucky to be thousands of miles away, as I am so angry that I could do serious harm.
Troubleinrivercity. If I were you, I would prepare for the worst and ignore what's going on until I'm secure enough in my position to unload on him. Plan ahead, not just financially, but emotionally. Right now you are in a really emotional state which may blind any rational course of action you need to take.
If over time you really need black and white proof, ask him. But not now. You need to start building up your defenses financially, legally, and emotionally.
It may be wrong of me to jump ahead with no mention of salvaging your marriage. But you said he is reading homoerotic material and hasn't had sex with you in 3 years. If that isn't proof positive of your suspicion, perhaps you are in denial.
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