separated in the same house; would wife come around
Dear All,
I have a confused situation. My posting has a few question, and I hope to learn from you.
My wife, two kids, and I are living in the same house, and we are legally separated. We have meals together and go out as a family. I am really trying to save our marriage, but she says she is done with me. I am convinced she is quite confused about things, which makes me think that she may come around. We started going to marriage counseling.
I am trying not to interfere with her space, do not go to her bedroom, not interested in her phone conversations, etc. However, the problem is that our conversations always end up her bringing back past events, which is not very constructive. I just listen and say how sorry I am.
I am wondering if anybody has similar experience, separated in the same house, and how to behave so things do not go downhill and may have a chance to become better. Wife keeps telling me that we are different and have no chance together, but at the same time keeps asking me if I love her.
I am sincerely putting a lot of effort into helping with kids, spending time with them, and helping around the house. She believes that I am doing this to have a better case when it comes to custody.
This is so far from the truth. How do I convey a message that this is not the case? I just told her that she can believe whatever she wants to believe; I just have no control over this.
Another issue I cannot understand: she keeps telling me we are separated, but is also extremely curious who I talk to on the phone, who I meet, where I go to, etc. which looks to me like some form of jealousy. Her reason for this, she tells me, is that she wants to figure out if I have somebody, so I am not so hurt anymore by her. Any insights?
On top of everything, I am constantly asked if I have a girlfriend (I dont't). Now, I am going away for the weekend, so both of us can have a break from each other. She is concerned if I will be with somebody else. How do I interpret all this???
She keeps telling me she cannot trust me anymore. At the moment I cannot trust her.
I believe we can rebuild the trust. Am I just fooling myself?
I feel that anytime I show that I care, appreciate, and love her, she pulls away. Perhaps I should enter into a "don't care, don't show mode"? Does it work? Doing things right does not help at all.
Having the above short list of "symptoms", does anybody feel that my wife may come around and decide to be in the marriage.
If you can afford it I would move out and have a clean break. If you want to work on your marriage give her some space to figure things out. Absence may make the heart grow fonder. Continue to spend time with the kids though. They need both of you.
I can't tell you if your wife will change her mind but my husband and I did this for six months (at my request) and I certainly didn't act like that. If the marriage is really over for her, I would think she would not be overly interested in what you are doing. Although I will say that my husband did go out of his way to do things with and for our son and all of a sudden decided to do a lot of cooking, etc. I knew he wasn't trying to get custody because we had already agree to joint custody. But it did annoy me to no end that he was suddenly doing all these things he should have been doing all along as a last ditch attempt to get me to change me mind. I didn't change my mind. I moved out 3 months ago.
To me, she sounds very confused. I agree you should try to physically separate if possible. Living together while 'separating' (something that is not even legal in my state) just makes things that much more complex and confusing. Good luck.
I do not see how moving out will benifit someone trying to save his marriage unless he's getting in his own way and making things worse. It sounds like the OP is not doing this at the moment. It also sounds like the wife is confused and is perhaps waiting a little to see if OP will change whatever it is that is making her unhappy. Without knowing the reasons why she wants a divorce it's hard to give advice. But I'd recommend you start reading "Divorce busters" and visit the website marriage builders. It might point you in the right direction.
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When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock somewhere else.
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I can't tell you if your wife will change her mind but my husband and I did this for six months (at my request) and I certainly didn't act like that.
I believe my wife feels the same. However, with two kids and she not working, we cannot maintain two households. She does not like the limbo. I suggested that, if she does not like me being around at the moment, we can minimize contact. She is not for this.
> If the marriage is really over for her, I would think she would not
> be overly interested in what you are doing.
Agree. Her comment on my question why she is so interested was
along the lines of: "I want to figure out if you have somebody else and have moved on, so you are not so hurt by the end of the marriage". This is just nonsense.
> Although I will say that my husband did go out of his way to do
> things with and for our son and all of a sudden decided to do a lot > of cooking, etc. I knew he wasn't trying to get custody because we > had already agree to joint custody. But it did annoy me to no end
> that he was suddenly doing all these things he should have been
> doing all along as a last ditch attempt to get me to change me mind. > I didn't change my mind. I moved out 3 months ago.
Yes, I help much more. She may be annoyed too, but it is incredible help she needs that I did not provide earlier.
> To me, she sounds very confused. I agree you should try to
> physically separate if possible.
Well, the story is a bit longer. Two months ago she decided that she wanted to live with the kids on her parents farm. OK, but this is 2,000 miles away from me, like 4 hour flight + 4 hour drive. After telling me that this separation could take years, I decided I have to fight for the kids to be in my and me in their lives. So I went to court
and brought them back. She may never forgive me for not allowing her to live some dream in the open.
> Living together while 'separating'
> (something that is not even legal in my state) just makes things that > much more complex and confusing. Good luck.
They are confusing and not easy. My philosophy is that if all possible options for reconciliation are exhausted, then we move on and there is no way getting back together in my mind.
I do not see how moving out will benifit someone trying to save his marriage unless he's getting in his own way and making things worse. It sounds like the OP is not doing this at the moment. It also sounds like the wife is confused and is perhaps waiting a little to see if OP will change whatever it is that is making her unhappy. Without knowing the reasons why she wants a divorce it's hard to give advice. But I'd recommend you start reading "Divorce busters" and visit the website marriage builders. It might point you in the right direction.
The only way I can make things worse is by giving too much and my wife finds it annoying. However, she does need the help at home.
Actually, she does not want a divorce. I think she was happy living away (2000 miles, see my previous posting) and being married rather than in the same house being separated.
After a lot of thinking, I told her a few days ago "I am not leaving the marriage. That's it." If she wants to, I will sign whatever is needed to be signed. It is my second marriage, and I am painfully aware of consequences when both parties do not put enough effort into saving things.
I think you did the right thing by telling her it's up to her to leave. If she is serious about ending the marriage, she will be doing whatever it takes to end it - getting a job for one thing. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years but I didn't let that stop me from getting a job and moving out. Fortunately, in my situation we had accumulated enough assets to allow me to buy my own house but still, a person who really wants out is going to be moving forward to reach that goal not sitting still and doing nothing. Really, what will happen at the end of the year separation. You divorce and then what? Still live together. If you are moving along the path to divorce, then she will need to make some adjustments to her lifestyle. Also, you were right in not letting her take the kids away. I guess my question is: why would someone be happy being married but living 2,000 miles away? That one confounds me. Is it financial security?
The whole 'should we physically separate vs. live together in hopes of reconciling' is a difficult nut to crack. Sometimes the very thing a person needs is breathing room to figure out what they really want. When a couple gets 'locked' into a vicious cycle it can be very hard to see your spouse as anything other than the bad guy. Resentments build and it's hard to let go of them when the object of your resentment is staring you in the face, day in and day out. By that point, every little thing becomes an major annoyance and just increases the level of anger.
Since I moved out 3 months ago, my feelings for my soon to be ex have become less clear to me. I was dead certain that all I wanted to do was get away from him (18 year marriage, btw). And while I still think this separation is the best thing, with a little distance I sometimes wonder if a reconciliation might be possible. I still don't know yet but when we were in the middle of living together but in the process of separating, I couldn't even conceive of such a possibility.
I do think that it is wise to detach yourself from her as much as possible. While it is hard to go into 'don't care' mode, in some respects this might be the wisest course of action. Here is a link you might find helpful: http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/.../8/410458.html
It's called "What to do when he or she leaves." Basically, this counselor says that you should detach yourself and not be overly nice or clingy in any way. I concur. The more my husband tried to be 'nice' or get close to me, the more annoyed I got. I know it sounds irrational but it is a common feeling when you think you are done with the marriage.
The problem as I see it, is that she is sending you mixed messages and not only is it confusing you but it could lead to a sense of false hope. Hope is a great thing to hold onto but you need to let hope be your companion, not your guide. In other words, don't do things that are not in your best interest in hopes that she'll change her mind. She may or may not. You have no way of predicting.
You may already be doing this, but if not, I would suggest you get into individual counseling. You can then invite her to join you. Maybe not to reconcile but to try and sort out some of the things you posted here. I'm sorry that I am not really answering your original question as to whether your wife might come around to wanting to reconcile. I have found that there is no easy way to predict that. People often have mixed feeling about breaking up but that doesn't necessarily mean that they will stay with the person for the long term. It's a very unpredictable situation for the most part. If you are a reader, a good book to read is "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships" by Diane Vaughan. She does an excellent job of explaining the process people go through in ending their relationships. It is by no means a linear process. After reading this, I understood that there are a lot of mixed emotions about breaking up and that it is a very confusing process for most people. You may even be able to pinpoint where your wife is emotionally at the moment. Good luck.
If I was you redblack I would consider her leaving a new begining for me.
I mean if your putting 100% into making this work and she wants to leave on some MLC crap or wants to feel independant. Then you let her but you tell her that if she leaves then it's over and your proceeding with the divorce.
When a woman leaves a man, That's like a slap in the face, especially if he's not doing anything wrong. It very disrespectful to leave someone when they done verything for you and loves you. And it's something I couldnt tolerate.
You leave them when they need you the most because you feel like it???
WTF kind of crap is that!
I would tell her dont let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!
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This gun means you are the weak and I am the tyranny of evil men, but I'm trying, I'm trying real hard to be the sheppard...
I just heard from my lawyer that my wife has told her lawyer that there is no way she would reconcile. We are going to marriage counseling,
but I do not believe things will turn around.
Physical separation might not be a bad idea so both of you can think it through. My DW moves back with full scale after we separated for less than 3 weeks. Check out my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131983/
What did you do to make her not wanting to save the marriage? Did you cheat? Used drugs? Abusive?
None of the above. I have a respectful job and salary. I have been the sole provider for 7 years.
I have hurt her with some comments in the past. And I have not spent enough time with the kids, although I am at home by 6:00pm from work.
And she just wants to live on a farm with parents.
Physical separation might not be a bad idea so both of you can think it through. My DW moves back with full scale after we separated for less than 3 weeks. Check out my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131983/
Well, she was on vacation with kids for month and a half (at he parents place) when she decided it is over between us.
Stop caring about the marriage and treat her as only a roomate. If anything will save the marriage that will. You have to stop wanting it and then she might come around.
Maybe she is concerned mostly for the kids when she asks if you are seeing someone. It would be very confusing for the kids if they catch on that Dad is seeing another woman who is not their mom, yet Dad is still living in the same home with Mom. She is wondering if it is the time to pull the plug on the marriage, and go see the divorce lawyer. She is protecting the kids and making things easier for them.
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separated in the same house; would wife come around
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