I've just invested a reasonable amount of time reading about guys being dumped / left / divorced / seperated etc from their girlfriends and I am consistently seeing a particular behavoir from women that concerns me...
Why do girls need to "check in" after they have broken up with a guy...this seems to happen in direct proportion to how well the guy recovers and moves on...
It's almost as if the girls are just making sure the guy still wants them.
As soon as the guy starts showing some tough love though back she comes one more time just to make sure !
for e.g
Her: hey what's up
Him: busy
Her: you know I've been thinking about you today, maybe we should get together some time for a chat
Him: sorry busy
Her: (2 days later) you wont believe this, but today all these feelings I used to have for you just came out of nowhere, it was amazing and I started to cry and remember how good it was between us...lets catch up for lunch on Wed
Him: sorry busy then but how about Tuesday
Her: Great !
Tuesday comes around:
Her: look I'm really sorry something has come up, I have to take my cat to the vet, so I'm going to have to cancel...but maybe next week.
And the cycle continues...some guys spend years in it even a lifetime.
Women ONLY contact men they've dumped out of guilt. They'd usually rather get a root canal than see them again. But they make these approaches just to handle their guilt...and don't really want to have a meeting at all. And they most probably aren't taking their cat to the vet when they cancel...they're off seeing some new guy.
I agree!! this has happed to me. however they usually see how well i am doing and then get jealous because of the new girls I have been already talking too.. Then you are just real estate and the value on your property has just gone up... These are just one of the rules I wish i knew when i was 16
__________________
I cant always be waiting on you. I cant always be playing your fool I keep playing your part I've had enough mystery. Keep building me up, then shooting me down. Well im already down Just wait a minute.
Or never show weakness... In the last three months my attitude has changed towards relationships... you dont realize it but you let them walk on you.. the even more messed up part is i dont think they realize they are doing it either
The more a guy has shown he has moved on, the more the girl may reconsider. Or at least substantially more if another has seem to have taken her "place". But when she feels the "oh, everything is okay, I think I can get him back" syndrome, she does not care that much anymore.
In either case, not much will be accomplished, but at least in the former you know you will have alarmed her not made it very easy for her. Your values will rise, if you show you have made the decision to turn your back. Most women will flip out, even if they made the initial decision. Even if a woman considers you a platonic friend, she still needs affirmation she can have you at her beck and call.
In effect, take your power back. Don't try to show how much you miss her if she broke up with you, seize the reins and put on a good front of disconnecting her, even being interested in other more *substantial* women. At the very least, she will think about you in a more urgent way than if you let her know she can't keep you on her handy little string. Women are born weak, they need affirmation from the opposite sex, remember that-exploit it-but don't play into it.
Don't expect her to come running back, but at least it is better than the alternative .
Last edited by squeak; 12th October 2007 at 2:10 AM.
so Pentula, according to your theory, when an ex approaches you and asks you to see you or express her (fake) feelings because she feels like being rejected you always have to say you're busy because the moment you give in she is the one rejecting you. I see the point.
But then, if you really have feelings for this person thus you're playing the hard to get, when is the right time or the right approach to actually take action towards her? Or are you trying to say that what is gone is gone and therefore it is better to maintain this attitude to save your dignity?
I contacted my ex and cried, etc out of sheer guilt and regret (over how I treated him near the end). It had NOTHING to do with wanting to get back with him. Him moving on did not threaten my sense of self (nor did it bruise my ego). I missed my friend and wanted to make sure he was OK. I can't speak for the other women...but for me, it was important to let him know that I was feeling bad about how it ended...and that I'm not the witch that he thought I was near the end.
__________________
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." - Douglas Adams
I contacted my ex and cried, etc out of sheer guilt and regret (over how I treated him near the end). It had NOTHING to do with wanting to get back with him. Him moving on did not threaten my sense of self (nor did it bruise my ego). I missed my friend and wanted to make sure he was OK. I can't speak for the other women...but for me, it was important to let him know that I was feeling bad about how it ended...and that I'm not the witch that he thought I was near the end.
Ok. But you did not say (I hope) that you loved him.
The case here is different: your ex calls you and says she still loves you and wants to go back with you.
Apparently, and I agree, you need not to give in because by doing so you show weakness and that eliminates attraction. But at a certain point, if you really love that person, you have to do something to get back to her without being considered a doormat.
I believe that it takes a lot of love from both sides to reconstruct a broken relationship and make it work. It is very rare to happen, at least it has never happened to me, in both directions.
Ok. But you did not say (I hope) that you loved him.
The case here is different: your ex calls you and says she still loves you and wants to go back with you.
Apparently, and I agree, you need not to give in because by doing so you show weakness and that eliminates attraction. But at a certain point, if you really love that person, you have to do something to get back to her without being considered a doormat.
I believe that it takes a lot of love from both sides to reconstruct a broken relationship and make it work. It is very rare to happen, at least it has never happened to me, in both directions.
I was throwing my experience out there to show the OP that not all ex gfs call back to fu@k with a guy's head. Some of us actually care.
I was throwing my experience out there to show the OP that not all ex gfs call back to fu@k with a guy's head. Some of us actually care.
Dear Ocean,
I see your point. You made the call to make him feel better.
A guy who has moved on (because he had to, or because he's facking it to you) deep down may still have strong feelings for his ex, and a phone call like yours reopens the wounds he was trying to heal. I can tell you this because of personal experience.
If you have decided to break up with somebody because you no longer have romantic feelings the best thing to do is just disappear and give him the space and time to heal.
I can understand your action if several months/years have passed by since the break up. But at that point you wouldn't be so emotional to start crying because you hurt him.
The more a guy has shown he has moved on, the more the girl may reconsider. Or at least substantially more if another has seem to have taken her "place". But when she feels the "oh, everything is okay, I think I can get him back" syndrome, she does not care that much anymore.
In either case, not much will be accomplished, but at least in the former you know you will have alarmed her not made it very easy for her. Your values will rise, if you show you have made the decision to turn your back. Most women will flip out, even if they made the initial decision. Even if a woman considers you a platonic friend, she still needs affirmation she can have you at her beck and call.
In effect, take your power back. Don't try to show how much you miss her if she broke up with you, seize the reins and put on a good front of disconnecting her, even being interested in other more *substantial* women. At the very least, she will think about you in a more urgent way than if you let her know she can't keep you on her handy little string. Women are born weak, they need affirmation from the opposite sex, remember that-exploit it-but don't play into it.
Don't expect her to come running back, but at least it is better than the alternative .
Sneak if you mind could you post this quote of yours under the thread I need her back? I dont think any one could have said it better..
I see your point. You made the call to make him feel better.
A guy who has moved on (because he had to, or because he's facking it to you) deep down may still have strong feelings for his ex, and a phone call like yours reopens the wounds he was trying to heal. I can tell you this because of personal experience.
If you have decided to break up with somebody because you no longer have romantic feelings the best thing to do is just disappear and give him the space and time to heal.
I can understand your action if several months/years have passed by since the break up. But at that point you wouldn't be so emotional to start crying because you hurt him.
Yeah, in retrospect I regret a lot of things...especially the way I handled the break up. I was very unfair and in some ways evil. I shouldn't have called him to see how he was doing. I should have left him alone.
He and I no longer talk. It's been months. He's moved on (as have I). And both of us are seemingly happy.
It's just sad these things end the way they do. If I had it my way, I'd want to be his friend. But he wanted nothing to do with me a few months after our break up. He didn't think it was fair to his new gf to have me in his life. I agree.
I've just invested a reasonable amount of time reading about guys being dumped / left / divorced / seperated etc from their girlfriends and I am consistently seeing a particular behavoir from women that concerns me...
Why do girls need to "check in" after they have broken up with a guy...this seems to happen in direct proportion to how well the guy recovers and moves on...
It's almost as if the girls are just making sure the guy still wants them.
As soon as the guy starts showing some tough love though back she comes one more time just to make sure !
for e.g
Her: hey what's up
Him: busy
Her: you know I've been thinking about you today, maybe we should get together some time for a chat
Him: sorry busy
Her: (2 days later) you wont believe this, but today all these feelings I used to have for you just came out of nowhere, it was amazing and I started to cry and remember how good it was between us...lets catch up for lunch on Wed
Him: sorry busy then but how about Tuesday
Her: Great !
Tuesday comes around:
Her: look I'm really sorry something has come up, I have to take my cat to the vet, so I'm going to have to cancel...but maybe next week.
And the cycle continues...some guys spend years in it even a lifetime.
Guys, get tough or they'll walk all over you.
Happens more often with men checking in than women. Men tend to make irrational decisions when breaking off a relationship (doing it without thinking it through).
When women walk, for the most part, they've checked out of the relationship long before they actually call it off.
And ANYONE, regardless of their sex, checks in afterwards to feed their own ego, to make sure you're still on a string for them, to relieve personal guilt or to make sure if they have a physical or emotional need they want met - you will be ready/willing/able to do so.
It's completely and utterly selfish on all levels.
__________________ ...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. - Balthazar The No Contact Guide
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