This is the 4th day I was forced to take a break after she moved out (not completely; most of her belongings are still here). I hope I can also receive feedbacks from girls who have been on her shoes or know someone in a similar situation before so I can also understand a little better on where she is coming from.
Here is my quick story: We are 10 years apart. She is in our mid-20. We dated for 4 years and married for 2 years with no kids. I am the so called nice guy and she is the attractive one who always brings a lot of attentions from males. Overall, she is a nice person though still immature, short tempered and selfish sometimes but I can generally tolerate it due to I am a lot older than her. Throughout our relationship, she feels like I took her youth away even though I always treat her with kindness, love and respect. She is not stable and doesn't know what to do with her life and she has not had an opportunity to explore as I am her first serious relationship. I have been taking care of everything so she felt like she desperately needs to find out who she is and growing up etc. Of course, I know a lot of girls need this, explores and dates a variety of men, once reaching certain age before fully committed but hate this event happen to us. She settled with me when she was not ready apparently.
She said we can still meet to be physically intimate sometimes but I got so hurt when she asked my on the phone "can we take a break?" three times, I did not know what to say and just hung up the phone w/o giving an answer 'cause the action already presented itself and she is nice enough to ask for my permission. I'll do my best to maintain NC. But as a married couple, there is so much tie together w/ both of our names on so eventually we do have to talk even though I prefer to stay NC till I can heal completely.
Even though I was sad but recognized the good days we have shared and sacrifices we both made. Of course, I want her back and I believe I am strong enough to survive well if she decides not to come back. I hope whatever comes out in the end, go separate way vs. get together, will be the better for each of us.
If it's only been a few days since she sprung this on you... your knee-jerk reaction is going to be to fix it. But if you give it a couple of weeks and really think it over, it's possible that you might not even WANT her back.
More times than not, when a partner is asking for "space"... it's so they can use that time to explore another relationship while keeping their mate on the back-burner. So... unless there are some fairly large deficits in the relationship, there's likely to be a snake in your woodpile.
You need time to not only find out what the real facts are, but also to absorb whatever information you find. With that in mind, it might be best to remain noncommittal for awhile.
Whatever you chase will invariably run. So... be cool and act like you don't give a rat's patootie. If she believes you're simmering nicely on the back-burner, there's no impetus for her to wonder about you, is there?
All that said... from what you've described, she sounds like a pretty crappy partner anyway... immature, self-centered. You've only got 6 years invested and no kids to think about. If it was me, I believe I'd take my "get out of jail free card" and boogie on down the pike.
Whatever you chase will invariably run. So... be cool and act like you don't give a rat's patootie. If she believes you're simmering nicely on the back-burner, there's no impetus for her to wonder about you, is there?
Ladyjane14,
Thanks for your great feedback. Since she has moved out, I have been practicing NC but still wondering I should contact here occassionally. After reading your response, the answer is very clear. If I keep on NC, she'll contact me eventually 'cause most of her belongings are still in the house. It's a scary thought once she shows up in my door weeks or months from now 'cause I am not sure I'll be completely heal by then. May I ask when she is coming back for her belogning or for me, what should I do?
I don't think a strict form of No Contact is necessary when a wayward is still on the fence. Now, if she's firmly entrenched in the OM's backyard... that's something else.
Try typing into your browser... "The Healing Library
No Contact with your Wayward Spouse" and read the article you find there.
I read that and wonder why are you with this chick in the first place?
Is it that much of an ego boost to be with a young attractive girl? I wouldnt put up with that crap!
Cobra_X30,
I never anticipated we will become serious at all when we first met. She loved me so much back then so I also love her back. I am that kind of person once making a committment, I will be completely devoted. So I never consider her as a trophy and show off; justm want our relationship might work out among all the difficulties.
May I ask when she is coming back for her belogning or for me, what should I do?
I'd probably give her a couple of three weeks to pull her head out of her hindquarters, then I'd TELL her what she's gonna do about her junk.
You are in the driver's seat of YOUR life. Why would you let somebody who hasn't got her sh*t together decide where you're going or when you're getting there?
I don't think a strict form of No Contact is necessary when a wayward is still on the fence. Now, if she's firmly entrenched in the OM's backyard... that's something else.
Try typing into your browser... "The Healing Library No Contact with your Wayward Spouse" and read the article you find there.
Thanks for your recommendation! Just read that article. I like it but in the article it mentioned "But you are very sweet and kind. In fact, sweet as sugar. But impersonal in a way. Kind of like the cashier treats you at the grocery store." It might take some acting on my part, I am so terrible on hiding my true feeling -- hurt.
Plan A might at first glance seem to be inconsistent with 180's and a limited contact strategy, so don't let it throw you off.
The best Plan A is going to be non-supportive of affair behavior, but will still provide positive reinforcement of how nice it is to interact with you. The 180's and limited contact change the "chase" dynamic, so instead of you chasing her... she's chasing you. Then Plan A rewards her effort with a positive experience.
Type into your browser, "What are Plan A and Plan B, Marriagebuilders" for an overview on WHY it's recommended that you be "sweet".
Certainly a great article. Thanks! I am not sure she has an affair and don't plan to find out as I am hurting already. I am ready for plan A so I will go straight to plan B for now.
Plan A might at first glance seem to be inconsistent with 180's and a limited contact strategy, so don't let it throw you off.
The best Plan A is going to be non-supportive of affair behavior, but will still provide positive reinforcement of how nice it is to interact with you. The 180's and limited contact change the "chase" dynamic, so instead of you chasing her... she's chasing you. Then Plan A rewards her effort with a positive experience.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Young wife takes a break from me
Linear Mode
