[getting_there]

Hello,
I am new to this forum. I have been going through a divorce since 6.07, my STBX and I have been together a short time - we were married 11-05-05, it seems as though as soon as we said "i do" my stbx turned into a controlling, manipulating, verbally abusive person. He never could hold down a job for long (and still can't) and drinking and hanging out with his friends was always his first priority. We bought a home together - which only made things worse, the jobs he would have then quit, he would practically live in the basement and drink, watch sports, etc -- he wouldn't even go to bed with me - he'd come up from the basement at 3a or so. We went to counceling, and he told therapist that he felt I smothered him. I never thought that was right, and like I told him - I don't want to be his entire life - I just wanted to be his favorite part. I never felt like I even mattered. So...fast forward to June when we filed for divorce, STBX and I still had to live together in our home because one of us couldn't afford to move out with our mortgage and with STBX not having a job and on unemployment we couldn't make our mortage payments...we have our home for sale right now but have not had one bite (I understand the market being bad). So, it's been a hard road lately, with us not being able to make our payments, we don't really need to live together anymore so I am staying in the house until we sell or hopefully not - but have to go into foreclosure. STBX has found and apartment and will be moving his things out the 20th of October. I was feeling very strong for so long, but now that I know he's moving out I just feel like I can't get it together, I am an emotional mess. I know that I am making the best decision for myself (we don't have any children and I am only 28) but lately I have been so sad, I know that it's only going to bet worse - with the house especially. What can I do? I joined a divorce support group that meets every 2 weeks and that helps a little. Our divorce should be final Nov. 13. Sometimes I feel like we gave up too soon, others I think better now than later. I guess I am just venting and also asking if what I am feeling is normal or do you think we're making a mistake?

Thanks in advance!

[Gunny376]

We're all misconcieably raised with pre-concvcieved notions, ideas, fallacies, and outright lies about ourselves, our lives, and about the way life is supposeto be like.

This "Leave It To Beaver" of how marriage and life is suppose to be like.

But if you take your typical American family ~ they're all disfunctional in some way or the other ~ and can never meet up to the "standard" of what a "normal" family~marriage is suppose to be like.

The guy that I work for is a self made multi millionaire (probally more like a billionaire) and one of the most miserable SOB's I've ever meet in my life!

Yes! What your feeling is normal! What your feeling is grief and remorse for the "dream" ~ the potential of what you thought could and would be.

We all go into marriage thinking its all going to be grand, the little white house, with the picket fence, the cat, the dog, and 2.4 children, etc.

But Reality is a Mother-Trucker! Working dead-end jobs with AH's for co-workers, and SOB's for bosses. Companies that use and abuse you that could care less wheather you live or die. Bills and bill collectors! Taxes and more taxes! Always some SOB just waiting around the corner to throw your azz under the bus~just to see the look on your face!

And through this all? We're sugar-fed "Just smile and be happy!"

Part of what really PMO is thid BS about "Go to college!" I did! And, I like many others that I know ended up working in jobs that don't require a college education. In fact? Most jobs don't require a college education, but the DO require additional education and training beyond the HS level.

I realize it sounds like I'm drifting off topic ~ but my point is?

Life's not what you think it is ~ or you've been pre-conceived, pre-conditioned to think it is? Its what you make it!

Your not here to "find yourself" your here to "create" yourself!" Your life isn't something that "happens" to you ~ its what you make happen!

You need to dump this "slacker" and get off your dead azz and go find yourself a real man! One of my steadfast rules? No whinning! No crying! No begging!

And, yea! I sometimes find myself in that mode! I'm only human? But then I remind myself! Be a man! Suck it up! Deal with it!

Life's a struggle no matter who or what you are!

And when I say "Be a man" well that works for me, because I am a man. But women can be just as strong! Just as hard! Just as determined! If NOT more so!

Mel, Lady Jane, Missey, a4a, and too many other women to list are examples of that on this fourum! Just because you've got a vagina ~ doesn't make you a p****!

[learn2live]

Stay strong Getting There. Iam going through a very similar ordeal myself. I strugle form day to day wondering if we are making big mistakes or if this is the right thing. Good luck