When I was in my A with xMM, he always said that he had a good marriage. He never told me he loved me even though his actions said he did. This never made sense to me and I would ask him why he would risk a good marriage just to have sex with me. Of course, like most MMs, he said he didn't know.
Anyway, when it seems like almost all BS choose to take back their WS after D-day I came to an important conclusion today. It turns out that MM wasn't putting everything at risk like I thought since he must have known that his a$$ wouldn't be thrown out on the street if W found out. I guess he thought that since he wasn't willing to end the marriage because of money & the kids, she wouldn't either.
So I guess the point of this thread is - we all wonder why MM would risk his marriage, his money and seeing his kids for sex with us the OWs. Maybe the answer is he wasn't.....
Wow. That really hit home with me. It makes alot of sense. They aren't risking losing everything. In the case of my MM, his wife even agreed to let him sleep with other women if he stayed. It seems the only thing he had to give up after D-Day was ME.
Since every situation is different, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I think that in a good number of cases the BW does, as you say, throw the cheater out in the street. I know I did, and I have read many stories on LS in where other BW did the same. What happens next is the MM comes begging to be taken back. MM may not tell the OW that. Why should he? It's much easier for him to say that he stays for other reasons. It's easy to believe that a BW will do anything to get her H to stay, but in reality, that's not the way it happens.
I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.
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We all make choices, it's called free will.
Since every situation is different, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I think that in a good number of cases the BW does, as you say, throw the cheater out in the street. I know I did, and I have read many stories on LS in where other BW did the same. What happens next is the MM comes begging to be taken back. MM may not tell the OW that. Why should he? It's much easier for him to say that he stays for other reasons. It's easy to believe that a BW will do anything to get her H to stay, but in reality, that's not the way it happens.
I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.
Hi HereNow. It sounds like you've been through a hell of a time, and I'm sorry. I can't imagine the amount of pain that you've been through. I have three good friends who were in your situation - they were with their husbands for years only to find out eventually that their husbands were all having affairs. The similarity of many of the postings I read on LS: The husbands didn't come clean or approach their wives about it while they were going on. The wives confronted their husbands once they found out about the affairs. The difference: all three husbands decided to not work on the marriage, went on their merry way with their OW's, and have been with them ever since. However, in all three instances, no children were involved - children and the "family" dynamic changes everything.
When I was in my A with xMM, he always said that he had a good marriage. He never told me he loved me even though his actions said he did. This never made sense to me and I would ask him why he would risk a good marriage just to have sex with me. Of course, like most MMs, he said he didn't know.
Anyway, when it seems like almost all BS choose to take back their WS after D-day I came to an important conclusion today. It turns out that MM wasn't putting everything at risk like I thought since he must have known that his a$$ wouldn't be thrown out on the street if W found out. I guess he thought that since he wasn't willing to end the marriage because of money & the kids, she wouldn't either.
So I guess the point of this thread is - we all wonder why MM would risk his marriage, his money and seeing his kids for sex with us the OWs. Maybe the answer is he wasn't.....
Indeed...just like a line from Kelly Clarksons latest...
"You knew ..exactly what you would do..so don't say you simply lost your way"
my exMM told me his marriage was awful and that they'd been this way for years and that he'd actually moved out a couple of times but moved back again ..too much stuff to store bla bla bla...he said they slept in seperate rooms i didn't know if i believed him or not..he used to say a lot of stuff that sounded 'rehearsed' i never really did any asking ..he just 'injected' himself into my life and that was that..for as long as it suited 'him' of course...
And what herenow is saying is true .. my exH is still begging me to take him back 10 years after he had a one night stand..!
Oh well, what goes around comes around i guess..I'm just glad i'm not answerable to either of them
Sometimes I wonder why my MM takes some chances... texting me with his BB right in front of her for hours while they watch TV...
One time I asked him what she would do if she'd find out... First time, he said that she would kick him out... then he would move in with me...
I asked him again, later... and he said that she would probably forgive him and keep him... I think that is exactly what would happen... she is extremely dependant on him. She calls him 5-10 times a day just to talk to him about just anything...
He's got a lot of patience... LOL...but I know he loves her too...
So my bet, is that most of the BS would just forgive him and try to work things out... and the MM knows that, they know their W well enough, that's why they sometimes take all those chances.
__________________ “A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are” - Victor Lownes
I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.
You may be one of the few exceptions herenow. You know, I find it hard to believe that my MM didn't think about what he had to loose during the entire year of our A. Infact, we talked about it possibly coming out often and he was always worried about what his boys would think of him. So obviously he had to have been thinking of the stakes. But I guess this just proves how selfish MMs can be when they want to satisfy their needs.....
Sometimes I wonder why my MM takes some chances... texting me with his BB right in front of her for hours while they watch TV...
One time I asked him what she would do if she'd find out... First time, he said that she would kick him out... then he would move in with me...
I asked him again, later... and he said that she would probably forgive him and keep him... I think that is exactly what would happen... she is extremely dependant on him. She calls him 5-10 times a day just to talk to him about just anything...
He's got a lot of patience... LOL...but I know he loves her too...
So my bet, is that most of the BS would just forgive him and try to work things out... and the MM knows that, they know their W well enough, that's why they sometimes take all those chances.
At the start of our A, xMM was very cautious. He would cover his tracks so well but after a few months rolled on, he would start being really careless and when I would point it out he would just brush it off.
My xMM's wife is also very dependent on him since she has never worked a day in her life either and calls him often. I happen to know that he threatened her after d-day about her getting nothing if she walked away from the M. Yeah, that's the way to do it, scare her into staying! That's why I would want someone to stay with me - because they are scared of having nothing! Ignorance is bliss, I guess!
he would start being really careless and when I would point it out he would just brush it off.
As EOJ would say "affairyland" caught up to him.
He got cocky and too confident, thought his wife wouldn't ever think he'd be up to no good as she trusts him.
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I happen to know that he threatened her after d-day about her getting nothing if she walked away from the M.
Nice...And you want this MM? Fact that he was the one cheating on her, yet can be such a cruel man to her IF she chose to end the marriage because HE cheated and betrayed her? WTF. I take it they have children too? So, her carrying his children, having the children, creating a home together, BEING A MOM, isn't worth a dime. So what if she didn't work or make money, she was raising HIS children.
This is my theory concerning carelessness and d-day...to MM, the A is just about sex. OW gets emotionally involved. MM doesn't want "emotionally involved"...he gets enough of that at home. Enter the emotional overload of two women. He's tired. He just wants it done with.
He becomes careless. He subconsciously wants to be caught so he can end it.
Then for some...a few months up the road....he is rested from the emotional overload, it becomes a distant memory.....the sex starts to look good to him again.
And he takes it for another whirl.
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup
As EOJ would say "affairyland" caught up to him.
He got cocky and too confident, thought his wife wouldn't ever think he'd be up to no good as she trusts him.
I agree with this theory. I think some men do engage in what is deemed to be risky because they know that in their situation they are not running any risk.
They know they can get away with it.
Let me tell you the one man who cheated on me my whole life, was the man I showed I prob wouldn't care. I did it with out meaning this but it happened. All my other mates, wouldn't think about it and to my knowledge they never even came close. They just knew the damage would be irreparable with me.
My ex's W showed him every single sign known to another human being that she would put up with it. And so it happened...
__________________ Stupidity follows me, but I run much faster...
Since every situation is different, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I think that in a good number of cases the BW does, as you say, throw the cheater out in the street. I know I did, and I have read many stories on LS in where other BW did the same. What happens next is the MM comes begging to be taken back. MM may not tell the OW that. Why should he? It's much easier for him to say that he stays for other reasons. It's easy to believe that a BW will do anything to get her H to stay, but in reality, that's not the way it happens.
I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.
Well he's not really going to lose, is he...? What, between an OW loving him and a BS doing a 180 hes got it made. So... what you're going to let him go, BS..? He's going to the OW... and the OW doesn't want him now..? Bet anything you care to gamble that the BS won't let him go just on a matter of principle.
No man involved in an affair is going to lose anything... the tragedy is that they seem to believe that they're about to lose everything... the fact is it's not about the Women concerned... it's about their honour, and that's something women have no real clue about. It's not about love, it's about honour... if he has a wife, he needs to be honourable... LOVE, well that's another matter.
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"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ~ H. G. Wells
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