My MM doesn't live with his wife. He says they don't have sex anymore, because he isn't attracted to her anymore. (He told me they had sex one time during a trip and I cried, and since then he says they don't have a physical relationship, although she wants to.) But she spends nights at his apartment sometimes. It sounds implausible. I can't believe she would do overnights at his place just to cuddle. I'd like to believe him, of course, but I wonder if he told me to see my reaction and since I was bothered by it, he's kept it to himself since then.
So my question: is "My wife and I don't have sex anymore" right up there with "I'm staying because of the kids?"
I think it could be true. I lived with my exH for two years with no sex with him. You have to figure out whether you believe him or not; if you don't, than why are you with him at all? If the A aspect is making you not trust/believe him, take note of that now because that won't go away later. So either trust and love, or move on, imho.
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Former OW, now his Wife and still madly in love after all these years
He is telling you what you want to hear as he knows it upsets you to hear that he still has sex with his wife. Think about it - WHY on earth would he tell you "yes, I have sex with my wife" and then expect to have sex with you? Also, he's been lying to his wife, so don't you think he's going to lie to you at some point? Please don't fool yourself into believing ALL that he tells you about his wife, his marriage and if he is making promises to you about really getting a divorce, look for his actions, NOT his words.
Sorry, but you need to open your eyes, take a step back and see the full picture without blinders on. Go read some more threads in this section so you can see your situation isn't much different that the OW who have posted here.
Sexless marriages are real. Problem is, you don't think your MM has one. I think he is lying too. Just to keep sex coming from you.
Why does it bother you that he has sex with his W? You already know that he is married. That line of logic is very confusing. Do you expect MM to never have any kind of intimate contact with his W? Kissing out? Oral? Suppose he has hot sex with her too? Then what? Does that mean you can't have an A with him?
__________________ Don't flag me, 'cause I'm honest...
vivi, why doesn't your MM live with his wife? Is he in the process of a divorce? I would really wonder why he is still married yet living apart from his wife. I am not trying to be nosey, but can you clarify the circumstances in his arrangement with his wife, it might help others give advice or opinions that fit the situation?
Ooh boy. You asked for it. It's a green card marriage that he wanted to keep that way, hence the separate apartments, but they became intimate and she has since decided that it was a real marriage at least as far as she was concerned. That's what he told me. I know they have separate apartments and phone numbers and finances. When he told me he had this befuddled look on his face because she changed the deal. I guess he went along with it because it was easy and she's nice and they work together; they don't have kids. we've been seeing each other about a year. that's the story
you said it, sister! sometimes I think I would be better off with a simpler situation; this guy is darling and a cutie pie, very attentive in bed and out... but I'm no dummy - he's got a LOT of stories and I'm well aware that he could be handing a couple my way. I'm also getting impatient with the deal - I told him I'm not going to drop everything for him. (After all, if he's so unhappy in his marriage and they live apart, why is she setting the agenda for their relationship? Why is he taking her on trips?) I told him I was going to date. And in fact, I met a very nice man just today and we went out for coffee; the chemistry was great and we're going out next Saturday. The day after a date with Cutie Pie. Where was all this fatal charm when I was younger? I'm 50! So watch this space, because I may be writing in with an even more exciting set of dilemmas.
My BIL supposedly (the rumor anyway) married a woman to get her into the country. Supposedly. Well, they've been married for over 13 years now, and have a 11 y.o. child to boot.
The only way to tell with green card marriages is what happens at the two year mark when the card recipient can walk without being deported. But if Immigration finds out that are not living together, she can still be deported and their marriage can be invalidated.
This is way too complicated to even speak on. It was concerning my BIL too. You never know which way these kinds of marriages can go.
Ay yi yi Vivi, I am almost sorry I asked. LOL! That sounds like a real complicated situation, no wonder you are doubting things. I think you are doing the right thing by going on dates with the other guy. Sounds like you had a nice time. There is something fishy about the situation with the MM.
He's a married man. He is never going to be completely available to you. You are torturing yourself with this. He is telling you what you want to hear. Find someone who is wholey and completely available. You will never ever win this.
Not that it's quite the same as your experience, but once we fell for each other and became serious I was frank with my MW that I had absolutely no problem with her being intimate with her H - how could I afford to be? - and it doesn't trouble me at all, unless I hear some sort of explicit recount of events Nowadays she says that she has been put off by her H, turns him down constantly and he's frustrated ... but I believe that she's telling me that because she has come to rely on me for support, and not to appease me - if anything it makes me feel sad and guilty for contributing to the situation. In fact, I suggested that she try to resume intimate relations with him (and implied she should end the A with me) because she told me unhappy tales and it was so hard to see her upset because her H was putting pressure on her. Not sure it was the best suggestion, but I can see that he loves her, and she's hurting him ...
So in answer to your original question, there are circumstances where the line "I am not having sex in my M" (trying to remove the OW emphasis ) can actually be true, or not used in such a way as to make the OW/OM feel that they are "special" or that the relationship is monogamous. Just as I'm sure some people will really believe they need to preserve a M for the sake of the children ... or whatever other reason they give to continue their failed R.
1. (After all, if he's so unhappy in his marriage and they live apart, why is she setting the agenda for their relationship? Why is he taking her on trips?)
2. I told him I was going to date. And in fact, I met a very nice man just today and we went out for coffee; the chemistry was great and we're going out next Saturday.
1. Because he isn't unhappy. If it was as bad as he says, he would be cutting her off, not spending money taking her on trips, and working with her to make more of their marriage.
2. That is good. You'll have a much better chance at happiness with someone who makes you a priority than you ever will with a MM who only makes you an option.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
... my question: is "My wife and I don't have sex anymore" right up there with "I'm staying because of the kids?"
Might be, might not be.
Sexless marriages (and relationships) definitely do exist. I've had a few years of just such a relationship.
Men aren't all necessarily sex hounds. Believe it or not, for some, they'd rather have sex with someone willing than someone uninterested. The kind of sex they get when they've begged and she's given in... yeah? And have you ever heard of a wife who wouldn't put out..? I believe they exist (lighthearted moment, for the record, don't shoot me down in flames).
So... you know, four or five years of a wife turning them down and they find an OW who is interested in them... why the hell would they bother tapping the wife on the shoulder any longer..?
So yes, it probably is up there with 'staying for the kids'... just as real in some situations. And when we're talking percentages... that's a lot of sexless marriages.
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"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ~ H. G. Wells
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Nowadays she says that she has been put off by her H, turns him down constantly and he's frustrated ... but I believe that she's telling me that because she has come to rely on me for support, and not to appease me - if anything it makes me feel sad and guilty for contributing to the situation. In fact, I suggested that she try to resume intimate relations with him (and implied she should end the A with me) because she told me unhappy tales and it was so hard to see her upset because her H was putting pressure on her. Not sure it was the best suggestion, but I can see that he loves her, and she's hurting him ... 
) can actually be true, or not used in such a way as to make the OW/OM feel that they are "special" or that the relationship is monogamous. Just as I'm sure some people will really believe they need to preserve a M for the sake of the children ... or whatever other reason they give to continue their failed R.
(lighthearted moment, for the record, don't shoot me down in flames).
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