[Woggle]

Do you ever worry that the negativity in the bad marriages and divorces that you see around you will eventually make it's way into your marriage? I am happily married myself but I know a whole lot of bad marriages and I have seen a whole lot of divorces. I have known so many men are married to women that treat them like crap. They nag them, belittle them in public, ignore them and many married women I know are cheating with no remorse at all. Then I also know the men who went out of their way to be good husbands and their wives woke up one day and walked out on them. I hope that my wife and I will be the exception but every time I see and hear about this stuff it scares the crap out of me. Do you ever fear for your marriage when you see so much crap around you?

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by Woggle

Do you ever worry that the negativity in the bad marriages and divorces that you see around you will eventually make it's way into your marriage? Do you ever fear for your marriage when you see so much crap around you?

Our friendship, relationship and marriage is not affected by anyone else's. It stands on its own. This is my second marriage and my wife's third. We've both chosen badly in the past and we've both learned from those experiences.

Since my wife and I had known one another for five years before we ever went out for the first time and had become friends who admired and respected one another, our marriage has been built on a firm foundation. This is not to say that there aren't occasional issues or disagreements. We are human, after all. However, we do not belittle one another, knowingly hurt one another or bottle things up inside. We get them out, discuss them, come to some accord and lay them to rest, even if it means agreeing to disagree.

[whichwayisup]

Nope, never.

. I have known so many men are married to women that treat them like crap. They nag them, belittle them in public, ignore them and many married women I know are cheating with no remorse at all. Then I also know the men who went out of their way to be good husbands and their wives woke up one day and walked out on them.

The thing is Woggle, you may 'see' that out in public, but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Sure, many women may treat their H's like crap, but many H's treat their wives like crap too.

[Gunny376]

IMHO, when you make each other and your marriage your number one priority in life ~ and not your carrer, material things ~ and the pursuit of such ~ working to live ~ instead of living to work (or anything else) things will fall into place, as they should.

Its the pursuit of all this successful living that's ruining people's lives. That and quit trying to live a "Hollywood" ~ TV life.

Depression is rampant in America ~ and to me? Depression is one's inability to reconcile one's preceived readity with one's actual reality. The difference between the way things are and the way things actually are?

To be honest Woggle ~ to me? The biggest threat to your marriage? Is your constant doubt about it? If you've got a good thing ~ go with it, and flow with it.

Watch your pennies and you won't have to worry about your dollars ~ that is to say take care of the day-to-day little things and you won't have to worry about the big issues in your marriage.

Be pro-active in taking care of the day-to-day mainteance of your marriage and you won't have to worry about the long term.

The way you come across here, there's no doubt in my military mind that you've more than have established and well defined your bounderies and limitations in your marriage with the DW.

Quit worrying ~ and get busy living your life, and enjoying your life!

Now get out there and rub a little sunshine on your face!

[Touche]

Great post, Gunny.

As for your question, Wog. No. In fact seeing all the bad marriages around us has the OPPOSITE effect. My H handles many divorce cases in his law practice. And I can't believe how many of them involve people married less than ten years (we're married 12 years now.) And so many involve kids. It's sad.

Anyway, it only serves to make us realize how lucky we are and may play a part in actually strenghtening what we have.

Oh and PS..it's not just the women who break up marriages. Ask any divorce lawyer. Just as many men go to him seeking divorces because they've found someone else or just want out for various reasons.

You need to get out more.

[Lizzie60]

Originally Posted by Woggle

Do you ever worry that the negativity in the bad marriages and divorces that you see around you will eventually make it's way into your marriage? I am happily married myself but I know a whole lot of bad marriages and I have seen a whole lot of divorces. I have known so many men are married to women that treat them like crap. They nag them, belittle them in public, ignore them and many married women I know are cheating with no remorse at all. Then I also know the men who went out of their way to be good husbands and their wives woke up one day and walked out on them. I hope that my wife and I will be the exception but every time I see and hear about this stuff it scares the crap out of me. Do you ever fear for your marriage when you see so much crap around you?

Do you ever worry that the negativity in the bad marriages and divorces that you see around you will eventually make it's way into your marriage?

Of course, everyone thinks that their marriage (relationship) is threatened... it's normal... with all the divorce and cheating going around... I think it's 'dumb' for someone to think that it will NEVER EVER happen to THEIR marriage.

Wow I have to say that there are just as much MM who treat their wives like crap... verbally and physically abusing them... in fact, it's the majority... not the other way around... like you seem to insinuate.

From your post, you're still very bitter and you're still very insecure about your current relationship... but hey, I can't blame you...the percentage is not in your favour....

I will never get married... too much hassle.

[Touche]

Originally Posted by Lizzie60

Do you ever worry that the negativity in the bad marriages and divorces that you see around you will eventually make it's way into your marriage?

Of course, everyone thinks that their marriage (relationship) is threatened... it's normal... with all the divorce and cheating going around... I think it's 'dumb' for someone to think that it will NEVER EVER happen to THEIR marriage.

Wow I have to say that there are just as much MM who treat their wives like crap... verbally and physically abusing them... in fact, it's the majority... not the other way around... like you seem to insinuate.

From your post, you're still very bitter and you're still very insecure about your current relationship... but hey, I can't blame you...the percentage is not in your favour....

I will never get married... too much hassle.

We don't feel ours is threatened. Guess we're "dumb!"

[Tony T]

Happiness and marriage have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other. If you are married to a person who is rational, sane, sensible, mild tempered, forgiving, generous, compromising and who shares a few of your beliefs about religion, child rearing, handing finances, etc. you will have a happy marriage.

But a happy marriage doesn't happen without two sane, rational happy people in it. The greatest number of people fall short in some of the areas I've pointed out above. If two people can't just accept each other and work out minor differences in a healthy way, there's not going to be a good marriage.

There are NO happy marriages, only happy people. If two people married to each other are happy, then I suppose you could say that's a happy marriage. But since most people are not happy in a number of ways happy marriages can't happen.

Never blame the institution of marriage for any unhappiness. Marriage is a great institution and if run properly it can be the happiest state in the world and reward its participants with a full, enjoyable life. But if people expect being in a marriage to all of a sudden lavish happiness upon them that's just plain crazy.

The people who are most happily married are the people who are happy, married or not, and who don't have excessive expectations that some other person is obligated to liven their life and make it totally carefree. I think people expect way more out of marriage than it's capable of giving in an age where people, in general, are selfish and unwilling to give up anything for the sake of love and contributing to the joy of another person.

I would venture to say that most people who get married shouldn't. The bliss of romantic love is just nature's way of sucking people into each other for the purpose of procreation. Nature sucks!

[Touche]

Excellent post, Tony. Better than I could have ever said it. So true. So true.

[johan]

Originally Posted by Woggle

...Do you ever fear for your marriage when you see so much crap around you?

It's entirely possible to let something bad happening elsewhere affect your marriage if you internalize your feelings and become suspicious and insecure. You can keep that from happening by discussing it with her and hearing what she thinks of it. You can tell her how you're feeling and let her see how these things affect you. And then you have to trust her and be able to let the fears go.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by Lizzie60

Of course, everyone thinks that their marriage (relationship) is threatened... it's normal... with all the divorce and cheating going around... I think it's 'dumb' for someone to think that it will NEVER EVER happen to THEIR marriage.

I don't think my marriage is threatened and even if it was, the threat would be from within, not from without.

This is a mature marriage built on a five-year foundation of established friendship, respect and admiration. It's lasted almost 11 years and the closer I get to retirement (three years) the stronger it becomes because of the many life changes we will be making at the time, to include a cross-country move. The planning is something we do together, to include the financial planning.

It's not only our love for one another that makes us strong, it's our mutuality.

[Lizzie60]

There are NO happy marriages, only happy people. If two people married to each other are happy, then I suppose you could say that's a happy marriage. But since most people are not happy in a number of ways happy marriages can't happen.

Yes two happy people can be in a not so happy marriage...

I see that a lot... MM are happy and cheating... the W has no clue...and she's happy.

And don't tell me that 'yeah but if he was happy he wouldn't cheat' I just don't buy that.

Because it's most likely the best of both worlds for him... (but it's not a happy marriage for him) and, on the other hand... for the W who has absolutely no idea... she is very happy with her husband, her children, her nice house, blablabla... they are two happy people.. in my book... but the marriage is not a happy one... for the cheating spouse.

I know it sounds controversial but I firmly believe it could be possible.

[IpAncA]

Perhaps it would be a good idea to look at these failed or on their way marriages and see why they are. Then make adjustments within your own if need be so it doesn't happen.

If relationships weren't so complicated, selfish, negative, over-analyzed, and held in such high esteem with unreachable expectations, then maybe they would have a shot. I see too many unnecessary variables that make it hard for people to stay together. And by the time they do realize this, it's too late.

For me it has affected but in a good way. And I do think it should affect everybody. If anything it should make the relationship stronger.

After being on here for over 8 months I've learned a lot and had some misconceptions cleared up. In all truth, I've become more aware of all this and have myself made some changes. It's been quite a challenge and in some instances still is, but what isn't?

Sure I'm no prize or have the best relationship, but I do think being more aware and trying to make things better not worse, is the way to go. But in order for this to work, it takes both people to stop and most importantly listen.

And I don't agree with no happy marriages. If so then maybe it's time for some changes. Are married people really that unhappy? They are if they makes themselves out to be. Or maybe their just selfish, don't care or have given up.

Sorry but there are happy marriages. You just have to know where to look. And if no one has seen any, then maybe this is the chance to be different and become one.

[Tony T]

Marriages are happy because the individual marriages are happy. A marriage is simply a term we use to describe two people who are joined together with a religious or civil ceremony and a marriage license. If each is happy, they will consider the marriage a happy one. If one is unhappy, they will consider the marriage an unhappy one.

Happy marriages, for the purpose of this thread, are happy ONLY because the individuals in them are happy. And for that to happen, they've got to be of a happy constitution and willing to overlook all the BS, have patience to deal with the setbacks and have all the characteristics I've described in posts above.

[Trialbyfire]

Consider it this way woggle. There's the Bank of Woggle and the Bank of Ms. Woggle. Both of you fund the joint venture (marriage) with happiness. You do not fund each other.