[MagnoliaJane]

I just came across something my ex who dumped me twice (and we are now definitely broken up!) wrote about him and me to someone else and it has hit me as a hammer. He wrote:

"After about 18 months of off and on struggle about ourselves and the relationship, we have come to relax and enjoy each other and life more easily"

That makes it sound as if we had such a difficult relationship. Yes, he dumped me twice (he wrote this before the second time), but in my eyes he sometimes would make an elephant out of a mosquito. For instance, I told him one morning that he "looked tired" and he saw that as a huge offence (while I just wanted to express compassion). Another time he left my appartment in a hurry because I was not overly enthusiast about his grand idea to buy a whole apartment BUILDING while he's flat broke. He said I cut his dreams. Gosh. Maybe I did. But I also loved him no matter what and showed affection all the time. I showed respect when he got distant and gave him space and time. I wrote him sweet emails all the time. Doesn't that count for something? I never shouted at him or told him mean things. If he would get angry at me and I wanted to talk to him he would say "I am angry, so what?". And that was it. Nothing that could be said or done. He would just send me home and I would confess all guilt, even if I didn't think I was guilty.

He is this self-declared "happy man" who told me he does not want to be responsible for someone else's happiness.

I turned myself upside-down to be the woman for him, but always seemed to fail. Then he dumped me out of the blue a second time, saying "we are from different worlds" and "this doesn't feel right".

It's not the dumping that hit me so hard, it's the realization that, no matter what I did, I was ever good enough for him in his eyes. No amount of sweet words, listening, respect, acknowledging his opinions, being patient, was doing any good. And now reading that he talks about "struggling", makes me feel even worse.

All these things are getting stuck in my head, like a broken record. It's been 4 months now that we are in NC. While I can see that is a good thing, I am still left with these feelings of confusion and self-doubt that do not seem to go away. I get angry (sometimes) but can't cry.