Amazingly, my marriage ended quietly yesterday afternoon when I finally let go.
I've been asking for counselling, looking for more clues to the OW, talking to family, and trying to ignore the sounds that my heart was making. H is home for 3 days, and I was trying to figure out what I can do to make him want to stay, rather than try to figure out why he wants to leave. And I wasn't trying to figure out what I really really wanted. We've been together for 10 years, how could I not want to stay together? I'm pregnant with our third baby, how could I let him leave?
We had two nights of pretty intense conversations, and each night I left thinking that I had changed his mind with my logic and rationalization. Relieved. But on the last morning he was here, I started to panic and lose my cool. We raised our voices and expressed our frustrations at the lack of listening we were each doing. He left to go out for a few hours, and during that time the pieces were slowly pulling together. And when he came in after that, the final piece showed the puzzle completed. And I bawled. We aren't really meant to be together, as desperately painful as that is.
And so I let go. I'm not denying myself the right to happiness that he or I deserve. I thought we were happy, but we were just satisfactory. And although I do believe that his constant travelling over the years (just not as intensely as now) has added to our mediocre marriage, it's also because we did get married too young and piled on all the 'serious' stuff very quickly without seeing how we were adjusting - or not adjusting, really. We were extremely well suited as a young bf/gf couple, but not as a mature child raising couple with the demands of house and 'adults'. And we could have had an acceptable marriage, if we settled for each other, it would have been SO unfulfilling for each of us that one of us would have turned to a full blown affair that possibly would have destroyed us and the kids. Right now we're okay. We were more comfortable yesterday together than we have been in a long time, and I didn't see that. There was so much that I didn't see because I didn't want to, nor did I want to lose the marriage, and the partner I thought I had.
I'm quite sad, but confident in our decision, and I'm glad I was able to see this and not just get pulled through on the end of his rope. There is lots that we don't know - will he come home for the baby's birth? When will tell the other kids? How will we arrange finances? How often will he come 'home' now? but I guess those questions will get answered. There's this crazy time crunch of the baby's EDD, that's adding to these worries. We have no insurance and I will not be able to pay for our hospital etc... so we need to kick it up higher and faster than if I wasn't pregnant.
I know I'm strong enough to handle all this. I've been managing my two kids and my house on my own for a while now. I've got a steady support system that is already rallying around me and the kids. It's the new baby that's got me concerned for the next few months as I adjust to a new baby again (please understand that in NO WAY am I unhappy I've got this baby. Really. I think kids are a blessing, but I do not want any more!!) and the added stresses that they bring.
And as always, I'm glad that LS is here and I'm able to voice all my thoughts and feelings here.
Thank you. Just wanted to update all you who have been riding this out with me for the past two weeks or so.
I wish you the best mammax and I'm glad you have a support system in place to help you with everything. I do think it's pretty s**ty that he won't try to make things work or do counseling, especially with a baby on the way. I'm so sorry and I hope everything works out for you and your kids.
Is it just a panicky phase that am I in? Aah! I don't want to break up! I want us to go to counselling. I think this is just one trip up in our road. I read a line in a book about how people think one crisis is the end of the marriage. Maybe it's not for us. Ugh... I don't want to go crying to him, but what if he's feeling this way too but neither of us want to say anything to each other? Is this a fleeting moment of insanity??
We didn't even TRY to make it work! Aren't marriages supposed to be hard work sometimes? How do I know if this is the end or just a 'test'?
We didn't even TRY to make it work! Aren't marriages supposed to be hard work sometimes? How do I know if this is the end or just a 'test'?
You don't know until you try. And frankly, there are no guarantees even if you do. But I do think that it requires commitment if you want a chance. After all, the only thing that happens when you go at something half-assed is that it comes out half-assed.
Reconciliation is difficult, and it's messy, and it puts a person through the wringer emotionally. So too is divorce. But let's put all that aside for a minute.
Your very first post was quite ambivalent towards the marriage. You weren't even sure if you loved your WH or not. Couldn't it be that you are just too EXHAUSTED to make this decision right now? You're just a few weeks shy of giving birth. You've got two little ones to manage. And NO HELP at home. Meanwhile, your husband has flaked-the-f*ck-on-out.
Who wouldn't be flustered at this point?
You know, the first thought I had when you opened your thread is that 'he played you like a violin'. You're vulnerable right now, honey. And you haven't been given enough time to think about what YOU want.
He's not going to GIVE you time either. You're going to need to TAKE it from him. Just tell him "No... I'm not ready to make a decision yet." And if he gives you any crap about it... hey, call his mother and rat him out.
I seem to bounce from remembering our relationship and wanting it back (normal, I'm sure) to remembering the feelings I had over the last week and remembering the things he's said and then feeling glad that it's over. And it's so confusing to add the kids and this new baby...
I'm really glad I had the control NOT to call him while I was so panicky and antsy this afternoon. I told him I'd call him after my prenatal next week to tell my due date, and I'm trying to strictly hold on to that. Not to call unless it's some sort of strange emergency. I can't go completely NC, since we do have kids, and stuff, but I'm quite concerned that I'll say something I'll later regret (I guess that *is* the point of NC )....
About reconcilliation, it would be messy since there'd be a whole lot more to clean up than just this separation part - our marriage was flawed, as evidenced by the fact that he could easily walk away. We'd have to go back so far, and what's the chance that we could do that while having a new baby? Without me going crazy, I mean. You're right, LJ about feeling vulnerable and exhausted. I've barely been sleeping or eating right for over 2 weeks now. At one hand I do want to just wait and say, OK! Stop! Let's discuss this in 6 months after the baby's come and I'm feeling more adjusted. But the other side is I'm so nervous that something crazy bad will happen in that 6 months that i want to get it all pinned down at least a bit so I know that I've got some security.
<sigh> and nothing I'm reading quite applies to my situation since he's been gone (essentially) for so long. And he seems quite okay with being out of our lives - and that hurts so much.
I'm wavering about telling his mom. I'm afraid it'll cause too much friction between him and I, since I know she'd tell him... But it's not like I'm lying, since it is the truth and I would point out that he said they're just friends... but all those phone calls at all hours of the night etc. She'd see that, I'm sure. Is that just vindictive or vengeful? I am trying to maintain some civility here.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm really glad you're here on LS and I can post when I need to... Thank you.
Hang in there. I really don't know what to say. I feel for you. Right now is not the time to deal with your relationship. Focus your time on your baby. Your baby needs you. Think of your kids and what you have control over. Do what your doing by limiting contact with him. It will help you get stronger. LS has helped a lot of folks here get through it all. I am one of them. We'll be rooting for you and will be here for you to give you strength and advice. Remember you are not alone.
Thanks AP. I think what you said was great. It's comforting to know that there is someone rooting for you, and that there's a place to come and vent and stress without involving the SO and regretting later what was said.
You don't know until you try. And frankly, there are no guarantees even if you do. But I do think that it requires commitment if you want a chance. After all, the only thing that happens when you go at something half-assed is that it comes out half-assed.
Reconciliation is difficult, and it's messy, and it puts a person through the wringer emotionally. So too is divorce. But let's put all that aside for a minute.
Your very first post was quite ambivalent towards the marriage. You weren't even sure if you loved your WH or not. Couldn't it be that you are just too EXHAUSTED to make this decision right now? You're just a few weeks shy of giving birth. You've got two little ones to manage. And NO HELP at home. Meanwhile, your husband has flaked-the-f*ck-on-out.
Who wouldn't be flustered at this point?
You know, the first thought I had when you opened your thread is that 'he played you like a violin'. You're vulnerable right now, honey. And you haven't been given enough time to think about what YOU want.
He's not going to GIVE you time either. You're going to need to TAKE it from him. Just tell him "No... I'm not ready to make a decision yet." And if he gives you any crap about it... hey, call his mother and rat him out.
You come across as a stong willed, strong minded person. Weak-minded isn't one of the terms I would use to describe you. With two little ones and being pregno ~ I'd tell him to go pound sand in his ass ~ I'll get divorced when I'm damn good and ready! Right now, I'm too busy having your baby!
Me? I wouldn't give a damn if you loved me or not ~ I'd be "manning~the~f**K up! And doing what I had to take care of my wife and children!
I wouldn't throw the towel in the ring just yet! Give it time!
__________________
Parts of me are awesome, the rest I'm working on!
Since I started reading your posts here Gunny they have stayed with me about the "manning up" and being a man. There are many ways in our life together that he really hasn't been a man - in many different ways. I kept hoping that he would become one on his own, or read about it to help him develop what he needed (in terms of fatherhood, maintaining a house, etc) or to talk to other men. The problem was he is one of the first of his friends to become a "family man" and his own models of what constitutes a 'family man' were fairly dysfunctional - or at least not suited to his personality.
I definitely agree with your "how to be married" classes and seminars and stuff, since as i've mentioned elsewhere we were good as a gf/bf couple, but not as a long term married with kids couple. In short, how to be a man to my kids, and to a wife.
He's still a great person and has a lot to offer. But the MC wouldn't work since we'd have to go back as far as how to be a man (and woman, I'm sure I need some help too - but I'd be prepared to try etc) not just how to get the marriage back on the tracks. I'm skeptical it EVER was on the tracks!
The part that really breaks my heart is his absense for the last 8 months or so has really numbed him to missing us. He doesn't know how terrific his kids are, or how great it is to wake up beside someone who loves you (that's me, not the potential OW!!) and how satisfying it can be to hear your family say thank you! What a great job fixing the fridge! He's lost that and he doesn't think he wants it back - doesn't think it's here for him.
I'd love you, Gunny, to talk to him and say "Man the f*ck UP!" and have him say, Ok, How?! since there isn't any one man in his life who would say that and then go on to show him how. No one he respects enough to help him through this by showing him. So it's sad. And add the P.OW who's showing him a great, kid-free time with all the freedoms and whatever else and there's no incentive to come back.
These are some of the reasons that I've "let go" as I said at the beginning. I don't want this man to teach my children how to become a man like him. We have 'grown' apart in that he doesn't fulfill the needs I have as a wife and mother.
I read in a book I bought about separating that the 'leaver' hurts just as much as the 'left' but I don't know if it's true in our situation. I think that hurt could have helped him see how much we still need him in our lives, and what he could do to try MC. And how terrible for me to think that I wish he did?
Thanks for reading again. Each time I write (even in those panicky moments! ) I feel more clear and each time I read I gain more insight and perspective.
But the MC wouldn't work since we'd have to go back as far as how to be a man (and woman, I'm sure I need some help too - but I'd be prepared to try etc) not just how to get the marriage back on the tracks.
You're making assumptions, sweetie.
I can tell you spend ALOT of time in your head... thinking things through. But you can't know what the future holds until it's here. And you shouldn't limit the possibilities it might hold. Better to leave open ALL the doors and windows of opportunity until you KNOW what you want.
And you know what?.... it's perfectly okay for you to take your time figuring out what that is. You've got alot on your plate. Don't let other people rush you... and certainly don't let it be YOU who rushes you.
Step one is figuring out what YOU want. Don't impose limitations on that. A dream is, after all... anything you want it to be.
I read in a book I bought about separating that the 'leaver' hurts just as much as the 'left' but I don't know if it's true in our situation. I think that hurt could have helped him see how much we still need him in our lives, and what he could do to try MC. And how terrible for me to think that I wish he did?
Here's a link to an online article that seems pretty spot in some ways for a lot of situations.
Check out the whole website, it's been helpful to me.
__________________ Whatever you project, the world will reflect... right back at you. "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."...... Joseph Campbell
Last edited by sumdude; 28th April 2007 at 10:40 PM..
LJ, you said, "I can tell you spend ALOT of time in your head... thinking things through. But you can't know what the future holds until it's here. And you shouldn't limit the possibilities it might hold. Better to leave open ALL the doors and windows of opportunity until you KNOW what you want.
And you know what?.... it's perfectly okay for you to take your time figuring out what that is. You've got alot on your plate. Don't let other people rush you... and certainly don't let it be YOU who rushes you."
And honestly, you made me want to cry. I don't know WHAT i want! And it's killing me. I bounce and bounce and flip and flop and can't settle on anything. I've been with this man my whole adult life, I (thought) we knew each other better than anyone. How could I not want to work it through? How could I doubt my decision to marry and have kids with him? And then I think, he's showing some colours that I didn't know existed in there, maybe he's not the man for me. But what is my alternative (oh my, did i just say that? ) and maybe that's where I am right now.
I'm trying not to look too far into the future since there *is* no way to tell. But I am scared. I am anxious about the loneliness that is waiting for me. I don't want to lose myself in my children, but where is the line that stops me? I thought it was in my H. But maybe it never was (just thinking out loud now...) since he isn't what I thought he was. Maybe I do want out of the marriage too, but I'm scared to admit it, out loud, for real. I just really wish (I'd have a big but) he'd waited til after the new baby. I'm pretty angry about that. Just 6 months, let me adjust. Come home. See what we've got. Jeez, I'm such a freak. I've totally contradicted myself in the same thought line. Sheesh.
Sumdude, I've got that link in my favourites listed as "Sumdudes pages" I've referred to the ones you've linked, but not looked around too much in there. Thanks for the link, the leavor doesn't have it as easy as I thought, but H was more prepared than I was.
Honey, we ALL think that. When our partner spazzes out... the first thought we all have is that we NEVER really knew him.
But that's NOT always true. It wasn't true in my case, and I felt just the same way you do.
It's kind of like if somebody gave you a strong drug... the effects are unpredictable, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't still YOU.
Same thing with a WS. He's on a strong drug. It doesn't mean he's not who you thought he was.
Please... TAKE some time. Don't let him push you into something you're not ready for. You are NESTING sweetie.... trying to get everything 'just so' for your down-time with the baby. That's completely natural. We ALL do it. But you can't have EVERYTHING "just so" without making mistakes right now. These decisions on the marriage need to wait.
Worry instead about who's going to help you with the older kids and how you're going to get enough rest. That's ALL you need to face today. This other sh*t can wait until later.
Tell you what I did which REALLY bonded me and my mother-in-law. I asked her to come and stay for a week when I had my youngest. She attended the birth, and had a blast managing the household while I was healing. Let me tell you... it wouldn't hurt a THING for this boy to have to face his own mother for a week while she's falling in love with that new grand-baby.
Let me set you straight right here and freaking now Missy!
You're not a freak!
You're not a mistake!
You're not a malfunction of life!
You can clear your head of that way of thinking RIGHT HERE, AND RIGHT NOW!
NO MA'AM! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GO THERE!
There ain't no freaking way!
Did it ever cross your mind that the purpose of your life was to be the Great, great, great, great grandmother of the guy or gal that finds a cure for cancer, AIDS, world peace?
Did it ever cross the mind of the grandparents of Condice Rice that she would one day become the first woman Sec of State? That the grandparents, let alone the great-great parents of Collin Powell would one day become the Joint Chief of Staff? Did it ever cross the minds of the parents of Bill Clinton that he would become the President of the United States?
You're allowed one pity party per divorce ~ you've had yours ~ time to get busy! Time to get living! Either get busy living ~ or get busy dying! Just that plain ~ just that simple!
Last edited by Gunny376; 29th April 2007 at 1:53 AM..
One of my kids woke up, and i haven't been able to fall back asleep. And it's not because I heard Gunny's post from all the way over here!
I am getting mad at him. He wouldn't show this much disloyalty to a friend or an employer. He's not being a man, and he's bailing on the life that he and I created. He's bailing on his kids and he's bailing on his family. The first few hard strokes on the oars and he's jumping ship rather than trying to figure out a better way to row. Do I want a man like this?? And do I want him to leave? Do I think he could do better with some guidance? Do I think he'll regret this choice?
I figure it's not like I'm pushing him out the door if I tell him all this, so where's the harm? It's not ok for him to feel bad, that's only reserved for me? No way! If I make him mad, fine. It's not as though I'm lying or being mean for the sake of being mean. If these are the things that his dad is not saying, and his mom won't say, then who else to say it??
Gunny, actually yes, I have thought all those things (except for the malfunctioning bit, but the mistake in terms of this marriage) but not once have I questioned my kids. They may end up being any one of those things. They may not. But they bring a joy and fullness to my life and those around them that I have never known before and if that's *all* they bring to this world, then that's enough for me. They don't need to be more than that (ok, well, I'd like them to be capable strong and good men).
LJ, I guess they can wait. I'm not a stalking cat kind of person. It makes me crazy that this is going on, and I'm having a hard time trusting the fates that this is either the way it's supposed to go, or he'll come back to me when he's ready to. I want to shake him up and wake him up to what he's doing - but maybe I'm not supposed to. Sheesh. Welcome to life inside my head.
I'm glad I posted tonight. It was eating me up, laying there trying to force these thoughts out so I could relax enough for sleep. I've told him that I'll call him next week, and I intend to wait until then. But what good will the rant from above do to him, do you all think? He seems firm in his conviction, but is it possible that he thinks he is currently being a man? Does he think that the next time things are tough he'll suddenly learn how to row harder/differently? I want to trust the fates, but I'm wondering how much I have to put in to get something out?
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)....
Right now, I'm too busy having your baby!
) I feel more clear and each time I read I gain more insight and perspective.
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