I’ve been married for 6 months. My husband has always worked extra hours when necessary, making Christmas time and other times a bit lacking for “spirit”. He has been working excessive hours for the past few months and even complained of feeling exasperated and overwhelmed with other home responsibilities because of the stress at work. I was a bit upset seeing as I think we need to be an equal partnership despite work pressures. Oh well. Stupidly, I cancelled our family vacation venue and some other registrations coming up in the next few months so that he could have room to breath and we could rethink our plans to accommodate his schedule. Well, he said he was heartbroken because I did not consult him before making these cancellations and he was really looking forward to our plans. He was angry. When I got home, he said he wasn’t sure if I had the same idea of “family life” and for the first time ever, he thought maybe he made a mistake by marrying me. He said he was going to think about whether we should get a divorce (counseling is not a consideration with him) because he wasn’t sure he could trust me. I was floored, because I knew he would be mad, but geez! That’s not necessary. He cried. He could not tell me he loved me. I cried and didn’t sleep all night and took the day off work next day. Very very scary for me. He would make me leave and it would be a huge pain in my heart if he just decided it would be over like that. Anyway, he is not divorcing me afterall, but says he will have to trust me. My concern is that he actually will pull the plug the next time he is hurt or angered by me. Like, do some people use divorce as an empty threat and say these horrible things in anger, or do most people intend to follow through with the threat. Now that he has confided this belief to me, I will always wonder if he thinks he made a mistake. I will always wonder if he really loves me. I will always wonder if he is just hanging in to bide time and will pull the plug on me willy nilly when he isn’t getting his own way. Basically, I just don’t know if it’s right to tip-toe around my husband because I am afraid of his compulsivity to divorce. I guess I have to build a separate bank account in case he decides to throw us away (I have an 8yr old son). But you wanna believe if he finds out about a separate account, he might flip again!!! Any help is appreciated with this. My husband is 40 and never married or common-law. He has a hard time listening, really listening, and likes to have his own way quite often. But don’t we all.
Wow, that's a hard one. How long were the two you together before getting married? Sounds like some other issues are at play here...possible work-a-holism and lack of consideration for another's feelings...namely, YOU.
I was in a relationship for 5 1/2 years wher my partner would threaten to end the relationship if he didn't get his way. I tip-toed around him incase he would 'blow a gasket' because I loved him and didn't want the relationship to end. It did with his final threat because I just couldn't take it anymore.
What happens is this.....if you decide consciously or not, to 'tip-toe', you sell yourself out. You get the short end of the stick per se. Your needs become secondary and eventually, you will be so miserable that divorce will look like you've just won the lottery. It is a form of emotional abuse once that cycle begins. If you don't 'tip-toe', he will see YOU as the problem if you ask, confront or question him. He says now you have to prove yourself.......See what I mean?
YOU have become the proble because it sounds like he likes control and does deal well when someone else makes a decision. Marriage, relationships and partnerships require a high level of maturity/ UNSELFISHNESS in order to survive. Does he have that quality? You said he likes his own way alot.....how much do YOUR needs matter?
Could it be that your husband has committment issues? I mean, I know he married you, but why did he wait so long to marry? The work-a-holism---was that to avoid the lonliness of single life or to be unavailable?
I think you've got some huge thinking to do here, hun. I wish you all the best, minus the heartache. You sound like a great woman.
I was a bit upset seeing as I think we need to be an equal partnership despite work pressures. Oh well. Stupidly, I cancelled our family vacation venue and some other registrations coming up in the next few months so that he could have room to breath and we could rethink our plans to accommodate his schedule. Well, he said he was heartbroken because I did not consult him before making these cancellations and he was really looking forward to our plans. He was angry
He has a right to be angry, you want a partnership with him, yet you go and cancel vacation plans without dicussing it with him. Appologize for that, it was a mistake...
I agree with Hurting, there's more going on in your marriage - He may not be cheating, but you two DO have communication problems, and neither of you are really 'listening' to eachother...Time for marriage counselling...
He has a right to be angry, you want a partnership with him, yet you go and cancel vacation plans without dicussing it with him. Appologize for that, it was a mistake...
I agree with Hurting, there's more going on in your marriage - He may not be cheating, but you two DO have communication problems, and neither of you are really 'listening' to eachother...Time for marriage counselling...
I agree with WWIU.
You had a family vacation planned and you took it upon yourself to cancel it.
With all of the extra work and stress I would think he was really looking forward to relaxing and being able to enjoy his family for the first time in months.
You took that away without talking to him.
That was really wrong - especially from the way you describe him.
He deserves a sincere apology and an expression of your understanding that you made a major decision without consulting him and that it won't happen again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariadne
I'd say tell him, if you want to get divorced, let's get divorced then.
This is dangerous -- very dangerous -- to do in a marriage.
The way you are feeling -- insecure in the relationship can be helped with open communication.
If you say this - there is perhaps the misperception of both people wanting a divorce and that may not be the case.
This kind of reaction can shut down communication on both sides which is certain death.
Divorce should not be thrown out as a threat but it shouldn't be flippantly thrown back either.
Open communication is really what you need.
Is there any way you can talk to him about how you've been feeling since he said this?
Where to begin? Married to a man for six months. This man works excessively hard, brings home the filet mingon, not to mention the bacon. This guy is responsible, building for the future. He's supporting you and your child from a previous relationship.
You thank him for all the above by pulling making the unilateral decision the plug on the familys planned vacation , and "other registrations" because you are angry you aren't getting enough attention, feel he doesen't spend enough time with you, and you want to send a message.
Well lady, he got your message and didn't like it.
I don't blame him for pulling the Divorce card. You picked this focused hard working guy. I suspect one of the reasons was the security he would provide you and your child. There is a very good chance that he believes that he married very badly six months ago.
If you honestly realize YOU made the mistake, do your best to convince him you are sorry for your error. Maybe he loves you enough (after six months) to forgive and overlook your selfish actions.
You need to understand that after six months, he may have realized he married badly and does not want to spend his life providing for you, and your child without receiving the positive reinforcment he needs.
Good speed to him, I hope he does what's best for him.
This is dangerous -- very dangerous -- to do in a marriage.
No, dangerous is to live under some threat.
If you say this - there is perhaps the misperception of both people wanting a divorce and that may not be the case.
No, it only takes one.
Ariadne
She is not in danger first of all.
Secondly, when someone says "divorce" and it is NOT wanted by the other person the worst thing you can do is throw it out there as well. It stops communication and sends both people into defense mode.
You aren't married. I don't expect you to understand what it takes to be married or stay married.
To the OP it takes communication - a lot of communication. And if your husband made that remark about divorce without thinking or in the heat of the moment - it needs to be addressed with how you are feeling not another wrong remark.
The word divorce puts everyone on the defensive - he says it to you and you're scared and insecure. If you say it back it could be interpreted to mean you don't care or shut down completely and that is exactly what you don't want.
The word divorce puts everyone on the defensive - he says it to you and you're scared and insecure. If you say it back it could be interpreted to mean you don't care
Exactly. The point is not to be scared, insecure, and defensive. You are not supposed to feel that way in a healthy relationship.
If the guy is threatening divorce, the worst thing to do is get scared.
If he wants to get divorced, go ahead I'd tell him. I'm not there to make him change his mind.
I've been married and divorced twice, I know about unhealty relationships,
Exactly. The point is not to be scared, insecure, and defensive. You are not supposed to feel that way in a healthy relationship.
So you communicate these feelings and try to resolve them. Not throw out additional threats which creates NOTHING but more problems and breaks down communication even more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariadne
I've been married and divorced twice, I know about unhealty relationships,
Ariadne
Should I be surprised? Or think that somehow because you haven't had a successful marriage that you know what makes one work?
You say in your post that you cancelled the vacation etc. to give him some breathing space but later on state that you knew it would make him mad. Why would you cancel plans like this without talking to him? I would be fuming if this was done to me.
It sounds like he's working too hard and that you are resentful of that - not a good combination. He's tired and looking forward to a break away which you cancel and he blows up and says something he probably now regrets. Of course, it's not good in the middle of an arguement to say you want a divorce, but we all say things we don't necessarily mean when we are angry.
It does sound like there is more going on here than you say. Are you working? Why is he having to work so much? Is it to pay off debts? Do you resent the long hours he is working? Did you really cancel the plans for him, or were you trying to punish him for something?
Thanks to all for the feedback. I know I made a crucial error. The reason why I lashed out is because yes, I work hard as a legal assistant. I commute longer hours and have relied on his willingness to help me raise my child. My husband took on many responsibilities from the beginning, which I have relied on. His recent work habits finally caused him to express needing more support and that meant, I thought, taking back "my jobs", but I resented that because family is supposed to come first. I overreacted, which I cannot forgive myself for. I really handled it badly. I want a normal life. I want him home with me more often, yes. Instead, he has put me in the doghouse until further notice. I agree with keeping the communication open. I would not challenge his invitation to divorce, because he really will go for it. He is capable of being alone and would rather be destitute than in a crappy marriage.
Anyway, I just wonder if he'll ever come out of it. I wonder if it is just a big disaster. I was wrong. I apologized and showed him I cared and was very sincere.
The vacation plan was reinstated the next day along with all the other changes. It helped a bit. Today he says he forgives me, doesn't think he made a mistake, but hinted that there is was a lack of confidence. (?) I am not in the doghouse anymore, but he sent me an email for something this morning and addressed me by my first name and not "honey" "my love" or any other terms of endearment. oh well. He says he's tired and a bit sad from this and from work.
What are the chances that work is what's truly starting to depress him? What can I do to help? I feel so powerless. Can I make a difference if his work life has just entrapped him in this funk? It's hard to believe that this can go on indefinitely and that he may be moody and irritable most of the time indefinitely. I am prepared to see it through.
Last edited by Jolene; 13th April 2007 at 9:32 AM.
Reason: addition
Marriage, relationships and partnerships require a high level of maturity/ UNSELFISHNESS in order to survive. Does he have that quality? You said he likes his own way alot.....how much do YOUR needs matter?
I have often felt that my needs to not matter, and that is why I have engaged in discussion many times. He eventually ignores me or walks away. He is afraid of being "pussywhipped" or "walked on".
A month after we were married, I found a box of porn vidoes, some "barely legal" in our storage area. He told me before we were married that he didn't need that stuff or have it in his house. He lied to me and couldn't understand why I was so upset. I thought I made a mistake by marrying him, but I did not tell him that. I am still willing to be with him. Shortly after that, he did not even give me a card for Christmas. We bought leather jackets in October, so he said afterwards "let those jackets be our gift to each other".
Is he insensitive or emotionally abusive? I don't know. I am too busy taking all the blame for things that go wrong. I am confused.
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Jolene
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