Dupe. That’s a strong word isn’t it? It means to deceive, to trick, to mislead. It’s also coincidently a four letter word. Toward the end of this situation of mine, the one that compelled me to write this article (if that’s what you can call it), I actually labeled this woman as my first love, another four letter word. As bitter as I am appearing to sound, I really can’t place any blame on anyone but myself. I was given the red flags, I was told what I was getting myself into and furthermore, I was warned by people close to me. And in actuality, there was never an intention to dupe by any party involved, but in hindsight, it’s hard to see it any other way. Have I learned from this experience? Yes. Will it happen again? Perhaps, and I may not be on the receiving end the next time. It’s just a fact of life. You heard the old adage “All’s Fair in Love and War”, right?
So anyone who will lend their ears or eyes in this case, let me tell you of my story, my lesson, so you can learn from it and if you are in a similar situation, I recommend running from it as far as possible. It may not sway your decision in any way, but it may give you the ability to make an informed decision. And in making your decision, it may give you understanding when what you projected would happen doesn’t. I even talked to a couple of friends of this situation and they told me they were in similar situations. Them being what the girl was in my situation.
One friend told me that she got into something after a long relationship and the guy was great. It sounded familiar to my situation. She even told me that she at times she thought about marriage with that guy. At the end of it though, there was nothing wrong with the guy, but for some reason she couldn’t give herself to him. Another friend of mine was dating this guy who gave her so much emotionally and they connected on a lot of levels and she was able to open herself up at least from an emotional standpoint. She couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong but couldn’t or didn’t give herself to that guy for some reason. Everyone likes to feel unique, apart from the rest. I believed that we had something so strong that it would transcend the warnings. I had so believed that she felt so strongly about me and me about her that all this crap in the situation would be an afterthought. After all, LOVE conquers all, right? Well, she did send me some thoughts in her journal about me. At the time it felt right. I looked at it closer now, and there were lines such as “Brian is the kind of guy you just can’t **** over or lead on or have a fling with or use as a rebound or take advantage of just to pass the time. He is waaaaayyyyyy too nice.” Was she looking for someone to do that to?
At this point, however, I felt like a walking cliché. My friend then added, that in my situation, I was the constant. Her ex was the variable. The woman knew what she was getting from me, but she was in a funk about what she was able to get from her ex (see paragraph below that starts ‘as I said, I saw…’ for more insight). What she felt she wasn’t getting from her ex, she felt like she got from me and it made her feel good. To the point where she even saw a future with me. However, when the ex came around ‘stepping up his game’ so to speak, this brings me to my next point
Well, I was left primarily for a woman’s ex. There’s no use in crying about though, no use in getting mad, no use in hating anyone. On our last night together, I wanted an explanation on why I was kept there while she was getting closer to her ex. Why she wanted to spend all this time with me, and although I loved it at the time, it was because she didn’t want to feel alone thinking about how her ex is affecting her. I wanted to say that she didn’t really care or wasn’t going to be hurt from this situation like she said she was. We could have gone in circles…I don’t mean to overtly dramatize it because it is no where near the loss in my analogy, but imagine if a loved one was taken from you by a murderer. You can sit in that court room all day long, and stare at the person, you can yell at them, you can wish for them to feel remorse on how they affected your life and what they took away, but at the end of the day, your loved one is still gone. And nothing can bring them back. This is why I tried to keep the details to a minimum. She was going back to her ex, she was already at a low point with me and there’s nothing I could have said or done to change it.
As I said, I saw the red flags. This girl was still into her ex. As a matter of fact, from what I gathered, she had the feeling of helplessness around him, he controlled their situation, she didn’t like that and that’s why she broke up with him. It wasn’t because she didn’t love him anymore, it’s because she didn’t like the feeling of being taken advantage of and she was hurt because she felt like she was giving way more into the relationship than he was. This guy also had already cheated on her twice. To top it all off, he wasn’t over his ex at the beginning of their relationship and this led to resentment on her part. I guess she was lucky that his ex wasn’t trying to come back into his life. And after a three year relationship, she decided to call it quits because she was an independent woman. At least call it quits in form, but not in substance.
Then I came into the picture a month later. Yeah, we hit it off. We matched. It had all the symptoms of a perfect storm and even George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg couldn’t handle this. She needed something she wasn’t getting. She felt like crap about her ex, which I didn’t find out until it was too late. And in my situation, I haven’t had anything significant in a long time. I should’ve walked away then, not completely, but should have at least held of for her to figure things out on her own. I guess, we were both somewhat needy at the time and didn’t want to pass this situation up even though it would’ve been for the best. It just seems like the rate at which we were developing was so fast and so out of this world amazing. We met each others’ parents in a span of a month and a half. She asked if there was anyone besides her. She mentioned it would be cheating if I was intimate with anyone else even though we weren’t in a real relationship. Then I read these little pieces of an article on rebound relationships:
“Expecting your new partner to make up for the shortcomings of the old. "Since my last boyfriend cheated on me, [FONT=Verdana]I expect you to give me 100% reassurance of your loyalty 24 hours a day."[/FONT] “Skyrocket relationship. Rebound relationships are often too fast-paced, in an effort to "make sure" that this one sticks.” The biggest risk of a rebound is that it serves its purpose and then the rebounder moves on, leaving someone else devastated. If you're dating someone who's just left another relationship, know that you may have a Westbound Train. Don't allow the rebounding person to set the pace, as it will be too fast and may leave you in the dust. Take your time, allow the relationship to develop slowly, and take good care of yourself emotionally (i.e., have a good support system).”
Yeah, WHOOPS! Didn’t I mention I was like a walking cliché? She told me that although it was her doing that I had barriers up, that I should put them down or this wouldn’t work.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END:
The ex stepped up his game. I was told he had begun stopping by her house and giving gifts to her nieces and left flowers for her. I was told he was calling her and talking to her online. He was telling her how bad he felt and how he knows he messed up. The thing is, I believe this is at the point where she began to feel more in control of that situation. She was now thinking about going back since he showed so much remorse. I became more uneasy about this situation. But she told me that it has nothing to do with me and her and it should be treated as such.
In a few weeks, she then told me she was going to go with him down for his mother’s birthday about 3 hours away. So it would be overnight. She then told me that since she hasn’t actually seen him in over a month, she felt that there was a reason why she was so adamant about letting him go. She began to say things like, “I’m not making you happy and I don’t feel like I’m giving you anything.” When I told her that wasn’t true, she then told me “well, it’s not just the interactions with you and me. When I’m out with you, my ex is sad. When I talk to him then I ‘disappoint’ you. This makes me feel like a ****ty person” She also mentioned at the beginning, she didn’t want a relationship and she feels like she wants one when she’s with me and this is against what she had planned for herself. And this was all compounded by the fact she is leaving for 5 years for a school program. Around this time, mind you, she was going to the gym 4 days a week. She had mentioned that she was in better shape right before we began our situation. So, in two weeks, she’s going to see her ex for the first time in about a month and a half and she’s going to the gym all of the sudden for 4 days out of the week. About a week before she was going to go with him to see his mom, she then tried to break things off with me, reciting the aforementioned comments and reasons for feeling like a ****ty person. In a way, I felt like she was distancing herself from me because she was really excited to see her ex. I had learned that she talked to him right before us seeing each other this night. I think the guilt of being really excited to see her ex made her put up barriers with me. I convince her to give it a chance, but two days later; she called again saying she missed me. But right after that comment, she started saying that she was thinking about it over the weekend and even though I thought we had potential…I stopped her and pleaded with her not to do it over the phone.
On our last night together, I tried to keep everything simple. On our way out to her car, I started by telling her I don't want her to contact me an then saying I don't see us being friends, but I cared about her. I told her I don't need another friend and I don't want to be that guy that she passed over and we were just friends after that. She tried to say that she hopes I realize that she will be hurt and that I am special to her, but I try to ignore this part. I mentioned that I told her that I loved her not to get a reaction, but because I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. I also said that it's only a fact of life that the feeling will pass and after this night I'll eventually get over it. Then I told her best of luck with her situation. After more holding, kissing, staring, her crying, etc. we finally said good bye and we were both just looking at each other from afar and waving as she was driving away.
Last edited by KaneNAbel; 5th April 2007 at 8:02 PM..
Reason: Remove un-needed text
Man sounds sort of like what I went through. My ex didn't go back to her ex. She just realized she had stuff to sort out. Hurts tho! Heartbreak is what you make of it. I decided I would take the time to better me. Hope you do the same thing man. She might realize it one day. Just don't wait on it.
Nice story, and well written. Sorry you had to suffer through it in "real time" reading it was depressing enough.
BTW, an alternate definition for "Dupe" is a person who bites the heads off live snakes, or small animals (a "Geek" limits themselves to chickens and other foul), pretty ironic eh?
Thanks for the comments. Dubb, how long did it take you to get over it? This just happened to me 2 nights ago and I never felt this bad. I searched online and found this site. It really has helped me reading other peoples' posts. Any tips on how to get over this quicker? I'm trying to keep myself occupied because it's this weekend she's going to her ex's mom's place. It helped that I did find out though because she told me she wasn't worth me loving her or crying over because she pretty much cheated on almost everyone she was in a relationship with, including the guy who's she supposed to be best friends with now. I found this out the night of the break.
I'm in a similar boat, and it has been 3 months and I am just now coming out of it. She didn't go back to her ex, but a lot of your story was similar; I learned her ex proposed to her 1.5 weeks before she dumped me 4 weeks after the breakup. Of course, 2 weeks after the breakup she asked to be FWB. The entire thing was a mess because I didn't get a clean break, she didn't tell me about her ex, and the FWB thing was in response to me politely telling her I couldn't be friends. I reacted with drama to those things and it made everything worse.
No reaction is the best reaction. No matter how hard it is, let her go. Let her realize in time she probably lost out on someone amazing.
As for future lessons...I don't agree with everything you say. I now have boundaries. Any recent ex...no hanging out with one on one as friends. She must tell any ex, especially a real one, that she is dating someone and is liking where it is going, and if we are in a relationship, she must say "I am in a relationship and my bf is great." I don't care about hurting someone else's feelings. I will tell any new gf my story and if she can't empathize I will walk. I can't say "you can't be in contact or be friends" but I can say "he must know about me and if you are going to be friends and hanging out, I need to meet him." Those are reasonable boundaries.
Otherwise...many relationships do work out in these situations. Sometimes the next person you date is the next person you date. We make ourselves rebounds in how we interpret the breakup. Ok, that is only partially true, generally we don't get honest reasons for the breakup and feelings changed seemingly sudden, before there were any arguments. I am wary of those warning signs.
Be kind to yourself. It will likely take you 1-3 months to get over this. That's the nature of feeling screwed over. It hurts. In your mind, there are no incompatibilities. Find some. Repeat them in your head. Recognize you deserve better.
It's only a matter of time until her ex pulls his same old tricks, and she'll come crying back. Then you'll have a hard decision to make (compounded if you're dating someone new.)
I'm 3 months out from a similar breakup. I still feel as strongly as I ever have about her. I still think about her all day every day, so much so that it's a distraction in literally everything I do.
The hardest part for me was realizing that there's very little you can do (or ever could have done.) I like to take action and fix things when there's something wrong, but there's really nothing to do. You can't logically argue someone back into a relationship (women throw logic out the window in favor of emotion anyway.) Making the ex dissappear might make you feel better temporarily, but you'd feel bad about it later, and it wouldn't really help your situation. Begging and pleading won't get you anywhere at all.
You did well on saying "we can't be friends." I said the same thing even in shock of the days immediately following the breakup. And you're exactly right, you don't want to be "that guy." Who had his shot and now just hangs around.
The message I try to impart every time we speak (she contacts me periodically) is, "I love you, and I always will. Let me know when you're ready to give us another chance, and I'll let you know if I am."
I'm still the sucker that thinks it'll work out. I'm not stupid enough to think it'll be easy, or fast. I've got a year left at this university, so that's pretty much my timeframe to work it out.
Oh, the next few months are likely going to be miserable. It's funny how the happiest time of your life bumps right into the saddest time of your life.
Ha. I too said "it's too soon to be friends, I can't unless I feel we weren't compatible and there was no attraction. Please respect this." and her literal response was "I understand. Let me know when you are down for a friends with benefits relationship."
So wounded. So confusing. So over the line and exactly the opposite of what I was saying...that I didn't want to be around her until I had zero desire or attraction. A simple "sorry, as tempting as it sounds, we both know I deserve better than friends with benefits. When you broke up with me you broke up with my cock. I remember on our first couple dates when we were making out and touching; you said you wouldn't want to f*ck me, you'd want to make love to me. FWB is f*cking. I deserve more than that. That is not going to change 1 week or 1 year from now."
Her response: "I was just joking."
Ouch! No "I'm sorry. Obviously that hurt you"? I was already depressed before the break up. I have a free pass if a girl dumps me while keeping my heart on a string via her reasons (I do have feelings for you, if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be you everything is there) and then asks for FWB to say WHATEVER I want. seriously, I could say anything and be justified. I wasn't that crass, yet she was "just joking."
This is why you should ignore anything other than a woman taking leaps and bounds to get back into your life. Don't settle for a crumb. Ignore almost anything she throws your way. If she wants you, she damn well better let you know about it and not "Fish" for your availability. You can respond to someone, but give them nothing. Make them say I miss you. Make them ask to see you, and when they ask, say "what are your intentions?" Don't accept anything less and ignore anything hurtful to you.
For all purposes, this woman is dead to you. Let her and "it" go. You want someone who unequivocally wants you. Yes, there are instances where people get back together and it works, where cheating occurs and people are forgiven, but that is 0.5% of relationships. We actually see a lot more of these relationships on forums than probably exist in real life because, well, those are the type of things people seek advice on. how to forgive. is it worth it. Should I just move on.
Okay, so I told the girl in this story not to contact me anymore. I'm sure she doesn't realize this, but she just sent me one of her mass emails. You think it's cool to reply with the following:
Please remove me from your distribution list.
Thank you,
Or does that sound too bitter. I just don't want to see her emails coming through my inbox and I'm sure she's not doing it intentionally.
No, I am sure SHE DOES REALIZE SHE SENT YOU IT. I guarantee you it was not unintentional.
Direct her emails to your junk folder for now if you can or delete them without reading them. You have asserted your boundaries. Things can only get ugly. Do you have any mutual friends? If so, keep your bitterness under wraps. Don't let her know she has power over you. If she truly keeps continuing with the emails and they are frequent, again, tell her to stop. But give her just a bit of space. You are still vulnerable. What can happen is a petty argument breaks out, harsh things are said, and you feel bad about many things in addition to your feelings of loss.
just tell her u respect her desicion to break up and she needs to respect your desicion not to want contact which includes dont call me, dont text me dont email me. if your strong enuff to do that it will show her u are not a pushover and will get u healing from today and not let her make it into a head game situation where u try to figure out here moves because there is nothing to figure out its over right when they come at u with that
I still hurt from my break. I think I made the hurt worse on myself. My ex would not say it was over. I tried to get her to. I even made her angry a few times and blew her off once. She still didn't say it was over. The problem I have is I made myself look like a fool with a few drunk letters. She thinks I am stuck on her. I miss her but she needs to realize that she is not the end all be all of me. Every time I would let her know I thought we were done forever she would come back with something making me think again. She pretty told me she just needs more time. I am not waiting for her. I can sit in pain while I pin for her or move on and become indifferent. You were smart KaneNAbel you found this site fast. It took me almost 2 months. Worry about you. She needs to know she can lose you. Next time my ex contacts me I plan to just blow her off. We can get control back by going through this and being happy like we were before we met them.
I know I should be strong, but since it's been so recent, another question keeps popping up in my mind. She told me the main reason she broke things off was because she had been in a long relationship and she didn't want to be in a relationship especially when she leaves for school in August for 5 years. Not because she wanted to date someone local but because she didn't want this relationship to consumer her. And she knew that I was beginning to feel like **** because she had the desire to still talk to her ex as well as see his friends and family.
I don't feel like she's lying, but my gut doesn't say they're valid. Also, I'm still trying to repeat in my head that it's over and it doesn't matter either way if she was lying or not.
I know it's hard. Just stay NC and it will get easier. If you keep talking to her you will have to process new info. That is why NC works. My ex said so many crazy things it took me a good 2 months to figure out it's not worth dwelling on what she said. All I really need to know is the Facts. The fact is you guys are no longer together. She does not want a relationship with you. She didn't reject you she rejected the relationship. Do your best to focus on that. It's up to you to decide. She probably does have some issues with the ex. Count your blessing she didn't decide this further down the line.
I know I'm going NC her, but before we said good bye, she says "Thanks for being part of my life" ...WTF!!! I replied thanks for being part of mine and she says "It was my pleasure". It's like she doesn't even effin' care and she's over it and I was the emotional crutch while she became strong enough to go back. Like I said before in my story, I can't do anything about her getting over it so quick and I won't contact her to get any more information to process (thanks for the tip Dubb), but sh*t this stings.
I know it does. It is easy for her b/c she knows you care. I will give you a few examples. I was with a girl for 5 months. I wanted out of the relationship. I didn't even know why. I broke up with her and she was so upset. She refused to let me break up with her. She cried the night of the break up but that was it. I was fine for a few weeks. Didn't even question my decision. I didn't hear from her either. About 2 weeks after the break up I seen her out and she just acted happy and was having fun. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I wanted her back. I guess my ego got to me. She came back and broke up with me 3 years later and I pulled the same trick on her and we got back again. We ended 2 years after that tho.
My last ex went to break up with me and I pretty much just said ok. She texed me after telling me it was over and told me I didn't deserve it. I responded with I will deal with it. A few hours later she was texing me again. I had her where I wanted her but I decided to instead just giving into her I told her what I needed in a relationship. Than I chased lol. I figure if she ever did come back she would know that she could give them things b/c she lacked in those areas.
What I am saying is act happy and accept it. Enjoy your life. Ever notice good things always come to happy people? Fake it to you make it man. I am not telling you to go NC forever just go till you are ready to hear anything out of her mouth w/o it hurting you. You owe her nothing so put her on ice and worry about you. Go 4 weeks NC with her and come back and let me know how you feel. I bet you hurt less. Just make sure you use NC as a way to get over her and not to get her back.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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