[wife_left_me]

Please help I need some advice and direction. I have never been so confused and lost, I feel so empty inside right now and want to sry but just can't.

Here is my story.
I met my wife 4 years ago when she was 20 and I was 28. She was pregnant after 6 months and we got married because we were madly in love. We have now been married 3 yrs and have a 3 and 1 yr old child. We've had numerous problems over the years and have discussed divorce 5 times but this time it is for real. We have been separated for 2 weeks now and are working on a divorce.I still love my wife very much and wanted to work things out but she just gave up trying. She said she has been unhappy for years now and didn't want to be unhappy the rest of her life.

She has always had this really close girlfriend which was her maid of honor at our wedding. The have had their ups and downs but it always seemed to me that there was more to it than just friends. I find out now my wife is and has been in love with her even before we were married. My wife said she fell in love with me had 2 children and for a long time didn't think about her but she could not forget her in the long run. Her friend is also married and has a child but has had recent marital problems and they have been speaking over the phone and internet for 2 months now. I feel as if my wife still loves me but is confused about her sexuality, We have had intimacy problems over the last year and she said she was not attracted to men anymore and was just having sex with me to appease my needs. She said she thought she was a lesbian for a long time but her love for me made her feel differently. I did always sense she was somewhere else and longed for a different life. She wasn't 100% into our marriage and it seemed as if whenever her friend would have problems and call her she would pull any from me even more. When she wasn't talking to her for whatever reason she was the best wife and lover and 100% dedicated to us.

She has told me I am and will be the only man she will ever love but she just can't go on being married when she thinks she is also in love with her best friend. I told her I was glad she finally told me so I can now understand why she has been pulling any from me little by little over the past 2 years. She said she thought see could live with it but the thought of being married 20+ years and then finding out she really is in love with her best friend would be devastating. I am glad to find now rather than later.

Please help I need some advice. Is this normal to still love someone when you know they are in love with someone else? I know there is nothing that can be done to save our marriage at this point but I cannot seem to get all the good memories of our marriage and family out of my head.

[amaysngrace]

That's a shame what you're going through.

It's kind of like she took away your innocence in a way and what a harsh reality that is.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say but I do wish you the best. XO

[Gunny376]

Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day ~ just let it go.

You'll love her for everyday for the rest of your life ~ as the mother of your children ~ if nothing else. Give yourself time to heal, and go find someone who is appreciative of what you have to offer.

[wife_left_me]

Thanks for they reply!

This situation is so complicated I don't even know where to begin. I knew we had problems but until this week I did not know the extent of my wifes emotional issues. She said she was in love with her best girl friend even before we were married and didn't know if she would ever love a man. They went to high school together and my wife had some pretty bad experiences with men which drove her closer to her girlfriend and a hatred for men in general. She also grew up in a household where her mother was always ridiculing her and gave her very bad self-esteem and anxiety. When we met and fell in love she felt as if she could forget about her girlfriend, but it was making her miserable suppressing those feelings. She said at first she was so in love and viewed me as the one person in her life which could actually make her happy (her knight in shining armor), but as the years went on she realized this is not a fairy tale and the bumps along the road started to make her depressed and a longing for her girlfriend who she still loved. I am not sure anymore if there is a chance for our marriage to survive the last thing I want to do is try and change how my wife feels. If she really does love this other woman than that is a reality that I cannot change.

Even with all this knowledge it is very hard to move on. She still calls me everyday and it hurts whenever I see her. I somewhat feel bad for her emotional confusion and would like to move on but can't. I feel like she has finally opened up to me and let me into the world she was hiding from me for so long and causing her to be very depressed. It would be much easier to move on if we hated each other but that is just not the case.

[AHIWON]

If she loves the other woman then you don't have a chance in hell with your wife. Move on with your life and find someone better, some one who deserves you. Now is the time to think about you, not her.

[wife_left_me]

Thanks for the reply. I know what you are all saying is true. I am just having a hard time convincing myself of the truth.

[Gunny376]

Look WLM, the bottom line here is you've just got to face facts and the facts of the matter is you're wife left you for another woman. Is it righteous, is it fair ~ HELL NO ~ but what's that got to do with anything. If life was fair, I'd be a billionarie paying you $100K a year to drive my drunk azz around!

What you've got to do at this point in the game is to forget about the wife ~ and go for yourself. And, your going to have to get on top of your game quick, fast, and in a freaking hurry like! You've got a 1 YO and a 3 YO counting and depending on you, Man! Snap out of it ~ someone's got to be the responsible adult in all this.

Its all well and good that the wife didn't have the perfect childhood, mother, life, car, tinkertoy ~ whatever! Hey, we all could lay down and make excuses ~ and that's what they are excuses. I've got a new flash for you there Pal! Life is tough, but its tougher if you're stupid.

And, I'm not calling you stupid ~ you've been sold a bill of goods, you thought you were buying one thing ~ and you've got another. That's just the way it is. But, now you know the deal, all the cards are face up on the table. For you to keep buying off of the wife's pity party would be stupid on your part. Be it another woman ~ or another man ~ an affair is and affair and you handle it the same way ~ you don't stand for it. You don't stand there and be disrespected. Either she's part of the solutions instead of the problems, either be part of the answers instead of the questions ~ or be gone.

Life is 1% what happens to you ~ and 99% what you're going to do about it.. You can sit around all day bemoaning your destiny or you can get off your azz and get busy living. The choice is yours.

You can choose to sit here and beat yourself up ~ or you can choose to pick up, pack up, and move on! To a better life, a good life, a life that you deserve. You can choose to continue buying off on the wife's pity party and "look at poor me ~ I'm a lesbian?! Or you can choose to break camp and tell her ~ "You know what ~ that's your problem! Not mine! But, you're not going to make me and my children sick with your BS!

And, that's what she's doing here ~ she's playing you, and she's making you sick in the process. Forget this broad ~ and I don't say that because she's got the hots for some other gal ~ I'd tell you the same if she had the hots for some other guy. She's disrespecting you, your marriage, your family ~ dump this broad and her issues!

Quit beating yourself up ~ damit!

[wife_left_me]

Thanks Gunny I really needed that.

[amaysngrace]

Good job Gunny...way to be. XO

[Woggle]

If she is a lesbian there is nothing you can do about it. If this is the case you should just divorce on civil termks and wish each other well. Try to have a good friendship for the kids.

[Mz. Pixie]

There are many women and men who pretend to be heterosexual and even get married- because of the stigma of being homosexual.

She probably does love you and has good feelings towards you but she's more attracted to women. Very sad, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

One of my best friends is a gay female and I know this happens alot.

[wife_left_me]

Thanks everyone I am starting to feel better already. I just cannot believe she married me when she knew there was a possibility she was homosexual. We even had 2 kids for gods sake.

I think she is very confused and still is. She said she still loves me very much but can no longer hide her feelings and it is killing her inside. We are on good term and have always been.

[whichwayisup]

She probably wasn't sure and it was easier to deny it and start a family, have a normal life. (no offense to those who are gay/lesbian)

I do have to say, she DOES love you, you haven't done anything wrong...Believe that! She just can't deny who she really is anymore...It's living a lie, even though she created a family with you.

Hang in there, I know you're in pain...I don't have much advice to offer, but do take care of yourself.

[ilmw]

Wow.. I can't imagine how you feel.

If she is gay... then she is gay.. right. Not much you can do about it. She possible fought the urges and her identity for years. Thinking it was wrong and bad. Maybe she felt you were the one man.,,, who would make her be... and feel "Normal"

Whether she is with a man or a woman... I know it hurts.... but for some strange reason... with the male ego.. it would seem to be worse because it is with a woman.. ??

Just remember if she is in fact gay... its not your fault... not her fault... it is just what it is.

Stay strong... read lots of self help books... and learn to deal with this... it does and will sting for awile... but... in time... you will get stronger...k

Keep up the posting... in is invaluable to your recovery... It helped me more than I can express.

ilmw

[Gunny376]

I realized your lost dazed and confussed wondering how in the Hell this ever happened, and what you ever did to deserve this?

Here's a link that I looked up that may help you cope and deal with all of this a little better so that you can begin the healing and move on.

http://www.pflag.org/