[abuser1]

Recently my wife showed me a website that had all the signs of an emotional abuser, I found that i fit many of the things on that site. Since then I've started councelling. But I feel the damage is already done. Is there hope for someone like me. I admit that i'm abusive. And i'm trying to correct the things i've done. But researching online i've been unable to find anything that's for support of an abuser. I apologise and I am really sorry for the things that i do to her. But still have reoccuring bouts of abusive behavior towards her. She tells me that she is not happy, and acts like she doesn't want to be here. I have no support from her, which i do understand, that i put her through several months of hell, and there will never be a way to make up for that. But what i guess i'm trying to say it's frustrating trying to change the things i do but at the same time i feel that no matter what i do she doesn't care. i don't blame her for being that way. Considering what she has been put through. But what she doesn't understand is i'm trying and with no support from her it makes it hard for me to change like i'm fighting a losing battle. She tells me that she will stay if i can change but she gives me no support in change or reassurance. I'm not asking her to act as if nothing has happened but, as i'm going through this am i wrong for wanting some kind of recognition from her that at least i'm trying. Is that too much to ask for?

[enoughisenough]

What happens when that reassurance and recognition dies down? You'll give up and go back to your old ways? The change has to come from within or it won't last.
She's expecting a permanent change to happen overnight when she really shouldn't have married you in the first place until you were mentally sound.

I think it's great that you recognize you have a problem, that's very rare with this abuse thing.

However I wonder if you really can change yourself while you're still with your partner because you're so used to abusing her it's an automatic response to do it again when a trigger happens.

Furthermore the damage may have already been done, and even if you do change successfully it may be too late for the relationship because of the resentment she naturally feels towards you...

So maybe it would be best to split up for a while and see how everything works out...

[jmargel]

Glad you are getting help. She is also going through her own emotions about this as well. Give it time. She can't expect total change overnight. It will take months. Right now the best thing you can do is give her the space she needs, while continue to goto counseling.

Give her time to come around to you.

[serial muse]

Originally Posted by abuser1

But what i guess i'm trying to say it's frustrating trying to change the things i do but at the same time i feel that no matter what i do she doesn't care. i don't blame her for being that way. Considering what she has been put through. But what she doesn't understand is i'm trying and with no support from her it makes it hard for me to change like i'm fighting a losing battle. She tells me that she will stay if i can change but she gives me no support in change or reassurance.

Hey - I know that it would be great if there were still enough trust there for that to happen, but if there isn't, I'd ask you - what then? Suppose it doesn't work out with her? Suppose she's just past the point where she can open herself up again?

I'm not saying that's certain, but I am saying that you can't make these important changes contingent on her reaction and support. Having that support would be great, but it's one of the consequences of abuse that you have to face: you've at least temporarily alienated this source of support. This is work that you need to do for yourself, and to put pressure on her to respond in some way to make it feel more like a success is to continue a pattern of emotional abuse. You have to be willing to do this work no matter what her response is, because it is ultimately for you, and the most important rewards you receive will be internal, not external.

She also may have issues of her own to work on - I'm not sure which website you were looking at, but often the partner of an emotional abuser has codependency issues to work out as well. So she's got her own work to do.

Good luck.

[MoonGirl]

My husband was very verbally/emotionally abusive.

Yes, it is too much to ask for recognition from your wife right now. The reason for this is because (from my point of view) she thinks you will see such recognition as her saying, "I'm okay with how things are right now." A few weeks or months of change do not make up for years of emotional abuse. Only time and positive actions on your part can get her to trust you again. And you probably have a long way to go still.

Only YOU can help yourself to overcome the abuse. If you're looking for recognition of improvement, look for it in the way your wife responds to you, not in direct statements she makes. From my own experience, YOU have to want the change for yourself and not base your motivation on what someone else wants. Then you won't need such recognition!

[MRose]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/icons/icon5.gif just realized i'm an emotional abuser

Recently my wife showed me a website that had all the signs of an emotional abuser, I found that i fit many of the things on that site. Since then I've started councelling.

It is good that you were willing to look at such a site with her and be able to admit this to her and to yourself. It's a big step going to councelling but, its a long road and a lot of hard committed work is required for such a serious issue. If you really want to do this work no matter what it takes then good for you. You don't say how long you have been going. It is imperative that your counceller is very, very familiar with all kinds of abuse dynamics in relationships and couples counselling is NOT a good idea for a long while! What tends to happen is that the abuse is reexperienced by the spose within the counselling setting so no way on that.

But I feel the damage is already done. Is there hope for someone like me. I admit that i'm abusive. And i'm trying to correct the things i've done. But researching online i've been unable to find anything that's for support of an abuser. I apologise and I am really sorry for the things that i do to her. But still have reoccuring bouts of abusive behavior towards her.

Until you have lots of practice at NOT interacting in an abusive manner you will have bouts of still being abusive. But it is NOT your wifes job to deal with this in any way except to set her own boundaries and stick to those. It's also not her job to deal with YOUR issues, especially if those issues involve you being abusive to her. Lapse or not. It is too much to ask.

She tells me that she is not happy, and acts like she doesn't want to be here. I have no support from her, which i do understand, that i put her through several months of hell, and there will never be a way to make up for that. But what i guess i'm trying to say it's frustrating trying to change the things i do but at the same time i feel that no matter what i do she doesn't care.

Yes, it would be very frustrating. But that is just what you will have to accept fully and deal with your frustration as part of your recovery and counselling process. I know this must be painful for you but believe me she has had no picnic either. This part is your responsibility. She is practicing detachment it sounds like to me and you are really not used to this. She has to do this to deal with her own issues and protect herself. THAT is HER responsibility. I don't think if the situation is as you say it is that working on the relationship right now is the best thing and her detachment is likely healthy for her. You not being used to this dynamic are going to chaff at the newness and uncomfortable feelings. Abuse of any kind is extremely difficult to overcome for her and for you. It will take you working on your own issues as hard as you can FOR YOU. If you do not deal with this whether she stays or goes you will repeat it in all your future relationships.

i don't blame her for being that way. Considering what she has been put through. But what she doesn't understand is i'm trying and with no support from her it makes it hard for me to change like i'm fighting a losing battle.

You may not blame her for being that way but, what I hear you saying is that you believe she should be doing certain things to put aside her feelings for the sake of working on the relationship with you...She may not be emotionally ready for that, and if she isn't then you must accept that. I am not sure about this question. I believe you should address this with your counseller and see how they respond. If these things concern you then your therapist can work through them with you.

She tells me that she will stay if i can change but she gives me no support in change or reassurance. I'm not asking her to act as if nothing has happened but, as i'm going through this am i wrong for wanting some kind of recognition from her that at least i'm trying. Is that too much to ask for?

You know it sounds from what you wrote here that she has really experienced a lot of pain from this abuse. As someone who got out of a relationship with an abusive narcissist (and I'm not saying you are an N!) I can tell you that the pain of the emotional and mental abuse was far, far more then you can explain to someone who has not been on the other end of it!! She just isn't ready to help YOU with YOUR issues. I wrote that in caps because with many types of abuse, the abuser does what I THINK I see here. You are thinking about what you are doing, your issues and wanting support for those but, I wonder how much time you have spent thinking about HER issues and what support she might need day to day to over come this?? It is not just an "I know she has suffered and acknowledge that and I'm in counselling" type of thing.

Look, overcoming abuse within any relationship is going to be very, very hard. For your own sake you must be commited to this counselling and really want to do the hard work. Give her some room. I am sure she is grateful that you are getting help. She is working on her own issues . If you are commited to doing this for your own sake, then you will be so much happier.

It is to your credit that you did look at the website with her and ADMIT up front that you were doing these behaviors. Being honest with yourself is the first step and the only way you can change this. Going to counselling will help you but behaviors which are ingrained and usually are some defense or coping mechanism are not going to change overnight. She also is not going to feel comfortable overnight ESPECIALLY since she is still experiencing some abuse from you. Learn and read all you can about what your partner has gone through too! THAT she may really appreciate. Ask your therapist for some good books for those living with abuse. THIS will give you an idea of why she might not be so willing to support or ABLE to right now and will help you to understand HER issues as well as yours a little more. If you understand her experience of this all, then you will know why she may not be as supportive as you would wish she could be.

Good luck to you both!

[smoochie]

You say you still have reoccuring bouts of abuse towards your wife WHILE you are stil in counseling. And you are really asking why she is not supporting you???? Are you serious?? Hopefully she will leave you because from what I am getting from all of this is this is smoke and mirrors until you get her back where you want her so you can go back to treating her the same way. This entire post was about how YOU feel...not about trying to fix yourself. Yeah you go to counseling...do you know how many abusers go to counseling? All of them do at some point. either because they were forced or because they are trying to get their SO back. Your post screams ME, ME, ME. You actually expect the person you abuse to support you because you think she should. She doesn't trust you and will always be waiting for your true colors to show again.

Emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse. You really should be asking yourself why does it make you feel like a man when you abuse people. Then realize "real" men don't abuse people. I have a few of you in my own family and I can tell you from first hand witnessing, they are never happy. There is something inside them that only feels good when hurting or controlling other women. Sad and sick but the fact that they continue to be miserable is the only prize the ex's get.

You have no motivation to change. You may not want to lose your wife but you enjoy being abusive more. If you did, you wouldn't be abusive towards the woman you are supposed to love and honor.

[MRose]

Originally Posted by smoochie

You say you still have reoccuring bouts of abuse towards your wife WHILE you are stil in counseling. And you are really asking why she is not supporting you???? Are you serious?? Hopefully she will leave you because from what I am getting from all of this is this is smoke and mirrors until you get her back where you want her so you can go back to treating her the same way. This entire post was about how YOU feel...not about trying to fix yourself. Yeah you go to counseling...do you know how many abusers go to counseling? All of them do at some point. either because they were forced or because they are trying to get their SO back. Your post screams ME, ME, ME. You actually expect the person you abuse to support you because you think she should. She doesn't trust you and will always be waiting for your true colors to show again.

Emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse. You really should be asking yourself why does it make you feel like a man when you abuse people. Then realize "real" men don't abuse people. I have a few of you in my own family and I can tell you from first hand witnessing, they are never happy. There is something inside them that only feels good when hurting or controlling other women. Sad and sick but the fact that they continue to be miserable is the only prize the ex's get.

You have no motivation to change. You may not want to lose your wife but you enjoy being abusive more. If you did, you wouldn't be abusive towards the woman you are supposed to love and honor.

Apparently, abuser has met with a therapist once if I am correct about this.

Until there has been far more progress than this then he will have this attitude "It's all about ME" and also expect accolades and support from her.......it's typical of this problem that he feels that way. Abuser if you've only had ONE appointment then I'm pretty sure she isn't going to trust that as an indication that you are dedicated to real change. Being emotionally abused she needs to think of herself to heal!!

You seem in some of your other posts to feel quite sorry for yourself saying that everyone sees you as "some kind of monster" etc. It's apparent from that comment that noooo you haven't had too much therapy yet. In hind sight after a lot of work you may see the selfishness of this comment given the situation you are in. There are places on the net for people who are struggling with this and not just for victims of this. Emotional abuse though is astoundingly damaging!! Sometimes the effects of this are longer lasting and imho worse then physical abuse in some ways.

I see you saying you "understand" what you have done to her with your behavior. Intellectually on some level perhaps. Admitting this is the first step. But I also see quite a lack of EMPATHY here. It's all about what YOU are doing, and how YOU NEED etc.....the thing is that sometimes it's not all about you no matter what you believe you need or should expect.

In the long run many blunt posts or suggestions may be very helpful to you. Facing this in it's full reality isn't going to be easy at all! People who have been on the other side of abuse are not obligated to sugar coat their horrible experience of abuse.

Go to therapy. Do it for YOU so that you do not have to live this way within yourself!! Let her detach, it's HEALTHY for her to do so! You can support her by letting her do what she needs to do to feel emotionally protected right now.