[hotgurl]

I made a post in the general relationship thread but this was my main thought.

Lately I have been irritated at my BF. I think he has been taking me for granted and it is very easy to be made and have this cycle of negative thoughts happen.

I have decided I need to do two things before I get really aggitated at him.

I need to think of my actions towards him as well as his actions towards me. Ad what relation do they have. It is so easy think me me me and not think how am I treating him. Am I being caring enough. Do I take him for granted. etc....

Also I need to recognize that my expectations may be the root of some negative feelings. I have certain things I want him to do for me ex. the dishes ect..

But he does other things that show his love for me. ex. making me coffee in the am and bringing me the first cup, warming up my car, helping me with my daughter, getting me a glass of wine in the evenings. I need to learn to reconize this is how he shows his love.

So it is more about learning and appreciating his signs of love instead of focusing on what I want his signs of love to be.

Also since it is easy to focus on negative things I need to put stuff in context. Maybe he does one thing to irritate me but he does 10 things to make me happy. How important is that one thing in context to the rest.

We really don't have problems mostly it is chore issues and lack of time for us. I think I can become very resentful when i feel I do most of the chore but he does a lot of non chore stuff to help me out and I need to reconize that.

sorry I feel this is somewhat convoluted. Anyways I thought it might help some people and would like your thoughts.

[ash519]

I do some of the same things. I always do dishes, make the bed, pick up the living room etc etc etc and it'll frustrate me...but on the other hand he makes the more elaborate dinners and when i ask him or when he knows we are having company he definately steps in and helps clean up. He knows how i like the apartment to be when guests are coming.

I think we expect to much! I think we have these expectations and see what we bring to the relationship and we see what we do and when it is not given back the same way we get upset.

I always look at the negatives, and like you hotgurl, i need to revamp my way of thinking. He shows his love in other ways. He tells me everyday, he does most anything if i ask, when we lay down to watch a movie he tends to ALWAYS rub my head or tickle my arm (i love that!)

We are just different people. I am going to try and do what you do as well! Start seeing it differently.

[boshemia]

Get ahold of one of the books by Michele Weiner Davis, I can't recall all of the titles, but aside from Divorcebusters, there was on called How to change your man, and another How to change your life.

What you are talking about is the basis of these books, and I highly recommend them. Changing your perceptions can often change the entire relationship... and she'll help you do that in a fairly easy to understand manner.

[ilmw]

Originally Posted by boshemia

Get ahold of one of the books by Michele Weiner Davis, I can't recall all of the titles, but aside from Divorcebusters, there was on called How to change your man, and another How to change your life.

What you are talking about is the basis of these books, and I highly recommend them. Changing your perceptions can often change the entire relationship... and she'll help you do that in a fairly easy to understand manner.

I agree...with your book recommendations... Also... any decent relationship book... will give you pointers.. on expectations.. boundaries.. fantasy/reality... and all the other crap that screws up relationships..

[hotgurl]

I never thought my expectations were too high but I think to some degree they are.

Plus my mom is very negative and her major trigger is chores. She basically brow beats my step-dad so I didn't have a good relationship model.

[a4a]

Originally Posted by hotgurl

I never thought my expectations were too high but I think to some degree they are.

Plus my mom is very negative and her major trigger is chores. She basically brow beats my step-dad so I didn't have a good relationship model.

Well he is giving you gifts that are nice but not what you need.

Now your job is to say I need this from you....... this is how I know you love me.......

If all you desired from him is cuddling up on occassion and instead you get a cup of coffee in the morning, no matter how hard you try to make that coffee fulfill your cuddle need .......... it just won't.

You know you can start by asking him what you can do for him first....... that way there is no blame placed on him..... the defense wall won't pop up.

My guess BJ's are his main desired gift.....

[hotgurl]

Originally Posted by a4a

My guess BJ's are his main desired gift.....

guys never tire of that gift.