Hi all,
I posted this in the divorce section, but then found this section, which seems more relevant...
I don't normally visit discussion boards, but since I would like some input from others, I thought I'd start here. I'm 33 and I've been with my husband for 6 years. I have always known that he experienced an extremely unusual childhood with a combination of constant physicial and verbal abuse from his father (daily) and an over-doting very needy mother. My husband was slightly verbally abusive when I met him, but I (probably stupidly) didn't think it would get worse. When he got mad, he would say mean, hurtful things. I grew up in a very peaceful well-balanced family and had never experienced this kind of verbal "slaughtering." But, the verbal abuse was very rare at the beginning of our relationship.
Fast forward 6 years and 2 children later...Like a typical "abuser" my husband will be brutally verbally abusive for a day or two...according to him I am an idiot, a moron, a bitch, worthless, look like a small rodent, and of course, I am so fortunate to be blessed with him, someone who is so intelligent, "fun", and earns a lot of money. He is 100% certain (or at least puts forth) that he is much more intelligent, wiser, more capable, etc than me. Anything I do is subpar and everything he does deserves a gold medal. For those of you who have experienced verbal abuse, you know how bad it can be...and how sad.
Then, he will be ULTRA nice for days, weeks, even months. He will buy me whatever I want and compliment me all the time. During the past 6 years, he has beaten me 2 times. The first time was not so bad, but the second was horrible and involved punching me in the face, stomach, and repeatedly kicking me. He has also slapped our daughter in the face several times and pulled her ears. Typically, he does no housework, does not feed the children, does not pay any attention to the children unless I ask him to, and if I were to simply take care of all of the family's needs without asking him to help, he would never offer to help. Right now he is in one of his "nice" moods, so I feel guilty about thinking about leaving him.
But looking at him and being with him has started to make me physically ill. I am constantly nervous around him and there is never a moment I desire to be near him. At the same time, I care deeply for him and do not want to hurt him by leaving. I know in some weird way he loves me and the children. I also don't like the idea of complicating my childrens' lives more. For those of you offering advice to see a therapist - I am already seeing one and my husband will NEVER NEVER NEVER see a therapist no matter what - even if I threaten to leave. He sees it as weak and disrespectful to onesself. I have no qualms about loosing my husbands friends or family because I hate them all. I have never met such unually abnormal people in all my life.
To complicate things, an ex-bf just reappeared in my life. We have not done ANYTHING initimate and have NOT dated because I am simply not willing or ready to complicate my life even more right now. We have met in social situations and have spoken on the phone several times. This ex-bf and I were separated due to circumstances, not fighting, and we still have deep feelings for one another. Before we were separated, we spent 2 great years together. He is NICE, respectful, handsome, a wonderful father to his son, and did I mention NICE? Since we parted, he has also been through a failed relationship and has 1 child. BUT of course I am wondering if meeting this ex-bf again has made me more likely to leave my husband. I want to be able to leave my marraige with the thought that I would have left regardless of whether this ex-bf was a possibility for me.
My husband and I have not been intimate for over 2 years and the thought of being intimate with someone is a very nice thought to me. I just simply have no idea what to do. By the way, I have a very good job and carry all of the benefits (health insurance, etc), so monetary and other things like the house, cars, etc are not very important to me.
Thanks so much for your input. If anyone out there has been through a similar experience, I would love to hear about it.
Nicole
You need to consider heavly leaving your H because him verbally and physically beating you and your child is not acceptable and is grounds for divorce.
You have no need to feel sorry for leaving. Your only feeling like that because your in the loving phase but that won't stay like that forever as I'm sure you already know.
Hi Guest, what you are experiencing now is textbook of abusive situations. Please take 10 minutes of your time to read this psychological study : http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html
All I'm going to add for now is, if you don't leave him ASAP, your children's life are going to be terribly scarred, if not ruined by him....and they may as well end up hating you too for keeping them there.
All I'm going to add for now is, if you don't leave him ASAP, your children's life are going to be terribly scarred, if not ruined by him....and they may as well end up hating you too for keeping them there.
My marriage was alot like yours. My wife was very abusive emotionally and verbally. Towards me and our children.
I see the damage every day. A good theripist helps, but I wish someone had said cards words to me years ago.
My children may forgive me but they will never forget.
I think your exBF coming around is allowing you to see that there are good ones out there. I wouldn't do anything with him more than talk if I were you. He's on the rebound and you're in a mess. What good could possibly come out of your being intimate with him?
If your husband found out about it he could use it against you. And you could further put your children into harm's way if he decides to use them as ammo in some way.
Think about what you're doing.
If I were you I'd plan to leave your husband. I did it. He went to work one day and he came home to an empty house. But it took months of planning to get to that day.
You're husband sounds like mine. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to our son, daughter and myself. He had us all feeling queasy in his presence for fear of 'provoking' him.
If you are serious about leaving the marriage, the first step in planning is having a good divorce attorney. You won't feel so alone if you have someone on your side guiding your actions and keeping them within the confines of the law.
Post anytime. There are many who have been where you are now.
If I were you I'd plan to leave your husband. I did it. He went to work one day and he came home to an empty house. But it took months of planning to get to that day.
Thank you all for your advice. I called a divorce lawyer today. I have already started collecting things around the house that are important to me.
What worries me is the standard 50/50 custody now. Even though I can leave, my children still have to live with terrible verbal abuse, which is often not provable in court. The physical abuse he dishes out to our daughter is not bad enough to be considered abuse since he slaps and pulls ears (and leaves no marks). I am just so so sad for my children.
Thank you all for your advice. I called a divorce lawyer today. I have already started collecting things around the house that are important to me.
What worries me is the standard 50/50 custody now. Even though I can leave, my children still have to live with terrible verbal abuse, which is often not provable in court. The physical abuse he dishes out to our daughter is not bad enough to be considered abuse since he slaps and pulls ears (and leaves no marks). I am just so so sad for my children.
If he ignores the children he may not want them. I don't know where you live but my attorney suggested I go to RadioShack and pick up a hand-held voice recorder.
I kept that bad-boy in my pocket 24/7. I never did use it in court, didn't have to because we settled but it was an ace in the hole having it. Of course after I left I made him aware of this fact. If he had any ideas of 50/50 prior I'm sure this bit of information brought him back down to earth.
I was going to suggest the voice recorder thing too, perhaps a hidden video camera even...
As for the abuse, the evidence against you alone would be enough to help in the custody battle...if he does it again report it and get medical evidence.
Also maybe the kids can testify towards what he's done...
Also maybe the kids can testify towards what he's done...
I think this is a bad idea. I would never put my children into this position. They've been through enough and the guilt of putting them up to that could stay with them for years.
They are already going to think the divorce is their fault to an extent. That's how their minds' work.
If he ignores the children he may not want them. I don't know where you live but my attorney suggested I go to RadioShack and pick up a hand-held voice recorder.
I kept that bad-boy in my pocket 24/7. I never did use it in court, didn't have to because we settled but it was an ace in the hole having it. Of course after I left I made him aware of this fact. If he had any ideas of 50/50 prior I'm sure this bit of information brought him back down to earth.
I have sole custody.
Thank you to everyone who has responded to my posts.
For those of you who have succeeded in getting sole custody, could you tell me what helped? I don't have any proof of H abusing me or the children other than what others have heard from me and some minor verbal abuse incidents in public that some friends saw. H is very careful about what he says or does around other people. I do have a video of him being repeatedly very physically abusive toward a friend of ours though. I'm going to get a pocket recorder though. I don't know what he'll say at this point since we haven't been talking very much.
Well, between testifying and having to spend lots of time with their dad that will keep abusing them in the future, I reckon testifying is better...
I agree there but really that is a year or more away when that will be an issue. Everything will be temporarily ordered until the divorce is final.
To stress over visitation is the last thing I'd be stressing about if I were in her shoes. I'd mostly be preparing myself to leave. Gathering facts and evidence of the abuse that's occurred and continues to occur so that when it comes to visitation he won't have a leg to stand on because she will hold all the bargaining power. And he'll be happy to get what he can.
Judges don't look too highly on men who hurt women and children. Prove that and it will be whatever makes mom and the children comfortable.
Thank you for your posts. They mean a lot to me right now.
I have been keeping a journal to document the abuse, but I'm not sure if it's enough - I don't even know if it's admiss in court. Any other thoughts beside the pocket recorder to hopefully catch him in the act?
Also, if I ever leave the kids with him (which is RARE), when I get home they are filthy and usually haven't eaten anything. I'm pretty certain he will never bathe them, won't change their clothes, and will only feed them fast food. Have any of you tried asking a teacher to document what the kids look/smell like when the neglectful/abusive dad drops them off at school? Would documentation like this help? I just don't know what the courts look at other than police reports, which I was too stupid to file in the past.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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