[Zenshin]

Hello,

I'm new here but I really do need some advice, unfortunately none of my friends or family seem to understand my situation....

I met this girl 3 years ago, we hit it off very well and ended up dating, after a rather brief period of time (2 months) I started living at her house. At that time I thought she was perfect in every way, I am a very fickle person in relationships and most things in life, however it was very different with this girl. We spent countless hours together that I wouldn't want to change for anything.

At this time she was visiting the UK on a work visa and was unfortunately rejected for an extension; although I did consider marriage as an option to keep her, it was a mutal decision that to avoid further hurt we would seperate before she goes.

However, in between the period of us seperating and her returning home she got together with her ex (but did not tell me). On 1 particular evening I bumped into him and he told me all about it, I won't go into exactly how annoyed/hurt I was at this, but I cut all contact with her.

Whilst she was home, she emailed me several times asking for my forgivness and explaining that she had not told me because she didn't want to hurt me blah blah...but we eventually did start talking.

About 6-8months later she returned the UK, I had totally numbed myself towards her and we met 3-4 times, all were awkwardish. About 3 months later, whilst in France (for training) I received a text message from her, stating she needed to tell me something. I must admit I knew exactly what I was to be told and upon returning was informed that her ex had proposed to her and they were to be married.

2-3 months later and we started becoming close again (just as friends), and around this time she called the engagment off (totally unrelated to me - more related to her fiance being a total waste of space). She later shared with me that she only wished to marry him for his passport and how she wished I had been here so we could have been together...

Anyway, a month or so later and we are back together. It's different this time, I try to explain why I can't be totally open with her or give her total trust, but it just ends in an arguement and I'm told that I'm living in the past, maybe I am?. She has changed a lot, some good, some bad; she is much nicer and more attentive towards me, but I still do not feel how I used to; I believe I could in time though...maybe

A month passes and she recieves the unfortunate news that her VISA has again been rejected...whilst she was at home numerous things happened that made her vow she would never return...

She has made her mind up, she can't return and her only option is to get married.

She has had numerous offers from people who will marry her to stay, when I said earlier she is perfect, she is a stunner! Some of who see it as a favour and a few see it as more serious.

We are still together and she tells me that if she gets married to somone else she wants us to stay together, but I don't think thats reality. Even more realistic is, I do not want to see her getting married to somone else, I could see us getting married in maybe 2-3 years...but that is no longer an option (time is not on our side Mr Armstrong!!).

I'm a great advokate of 'if it's meant to be, it will happen', but I didn't think it would happen like this She thinks we should see it as an engagment if we do get married and have the proper wedding in 3-4 years time....

I've just left university, living back at home with my parents and have a temp job. I graduate in November and I hope to start my true profession early next year, I must admit getting married and leaving home wern't on my 'to-do' list for 2007. oh and I'm 22, soon 23-erk!

I know this does sound really bad, but I'm hoping some people can understand and advise...

My appologies this is so long....thank you for reading

[JamesM]

I would have to say that you should not do it. Marriage is more than a quick way to get a Visa. You will be seriously disillusioned and it may ruin your life, career goals, and any hope of a HAPPY marriage.

She may love you in a way, but you mentioned being fickle...she sounds fickle to me as well. I get the impression that she desires marriage more than a husband. Whenever this happens, it becomes a recipe for disaster.

Your family may understand better than you give them credit. They can see the situation without having their eyes...or shall I say heart...clouded with emotions.

Your best bet is to wait until you are in love with someone whom you have developed a good relationship with. It seems to me she has never felt totally complete with you or with any guy.

I am not sure if this all makes sense, but having been married 17 years, there is alot to marriage. It is not just "happily ever after" nor is it a temporary agreement.

From what you have said, I would strongly say...stay away from this woman and plan your life for you.

[Craig]

Whilst she was home, she emailed me several times asking for my forgiveness and explaining that she had not told me because she didn't want to hurt me

She later shared with me that she only wished to marry him for his passport

she called the engagment off (totally unrelated to me - more related to her fiance being a total waste of space

Too many red flags here. She doesn't tell you some things because she doesn't want to hurt you (lies by omission) AND you'd never really know if she only wished to marry you for your passport. If you tell her you aren't going to marry her is she going to tell the next guy that she called the engagement off because you are a total waste of space?

You are 22 years old, still in school and you (and her) are going to change a lot after you leave school. She may be a stunner but living with not knowing if she married you for your passport or you and not knowing if she is being honest with you in the future is going to place a strain on the relationship.

If she wasn't a stunner or was in a disfiguring accident would you even be considering marrying her? What I'm saying is that there is a whole lot more to a long term successful relationship than just looks.

I'd bet that if she married someone else just to stay in the country that she wouldn't have anything to do with you. Besides, do you really know what she is telling other guys...she could be saying the same things to them. You shouldn't feel pressured to marry her.

[Island Girl]

Originally Posted by JamesM

I would have to say that you should not do it. Marriage is more than a quick way to get a Visa. You will be seriously disillusioned and it may ruin your life, career goals, and any hope of a HAPPY marriage.

She may love you in a way, but you mentioned being fickle...she sounds fickle to me as well. I get the impression that she desires marriage more than a husband. Whenever this happens, it becomes a recipe for disaster.

Your family may understand better than you give them credit. They can see the situation without having their eyes...or shall I say heart...clouded with emotions.

Your best bet is to wait until you are in love with someone whom you have developed a good relationship with. It seems to me she has never felt totally complete with you or with any guy.

I am not sure if this all makes sense, but having been married 17 years, there is alot to marriage. It is not just "happily ever after" nor is it a temporary agreement.

From what you have said, I would strongly say...stay away from this woman and plan your life for you.

Could not have said it better myself.

That fact that she would even suggest that she would marry someone else but will still be with you is degrading and disrespectful to you.

It also says a lot about her views of marriage. I'm not sure she sees it as a commitment at all - I don't care what reason you have to get married - there are a lot of ramifications with that "little piece of paper". It should be very seriously thought about.

Has it entered your head that she may be pushing to marry you and be back with you because you are more of a guarantee to her as far as going through with a marriage? That even though she cheated on you before and was going to marry another man - she now has to scramble to find someone to marry and the easiest thing would be someone who once cared for her so much? Because I think a big part of her being so driven is just one word resounding loudly in her head, "VISA".

I also can't agree more with JamesM that she has some stuff going on with her that she has to fix.
She sounds like she is not ready for any kind of serious relationship AT ALL.
She sounds fickle and flightly which usually means you are in for some serious damage if you marry her. Once she feels the loss of control, etc. that getting married will bring on (it feels like a boa constrictor tightening and suffocating constantly) you will see an alternate personality more and more. One is kind and sweet - the other evil incarnate that wreak havoc on you emotionally and (depending upon how long it goes on) in the end will eviscerate you and leave you questioning "why?"

[Great Gazoo]

Marriage is hard enough, do you really want this to be the start, do you want this baggage hanging over you. I think your time with her has come and gone, it is the past, your young, think of a future with someone else.

[Zenshin]

Hi,

I just wanted to say, me and her have very similar views of marriage - we are both Christians who believe marriage is more than just a slip of paper; which is why I have so much distaste towards seeing her marry just any guy, but I do understand why she must.

As far as her using me goes, apart from the previously stated reason, I know she isn't...I've spent far too long with her and know her too well, I know she would not do that to me as she always tries to put me first even if the results are sometimes less then desirable (as can be seen when she omitted the truth).

But I think Island Girl hit on my main worry (with a great simile!) - her drastic character change occurred so fast, she doesn't feel like the same girl I met 3 years ago and maybe you are right Gazoo....maybe our time has come and gone.

Thank you for all your replies, it's exactly what everyone has been telling me and well...what I know to be true in my head