For all you men feel adultery is justified if you aren't getting sex from your wife:
What if your wife were in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down, and had no sensation and therefore could not enjoy sex? Would you feel justified in pursuing outside relationships?
What if she wanted to still have sex with you, for your satisfaction, would you be disgusted? Several of you have said you don't want to "force" her to have sex if she doesn't want to. Well, if she had no sensation she wouldn't really be enjoying it, so...
Would you tell her you were having affairs or would you still sneak around and lie?
This is of course assuming you wouldn't just leave her.
__________________
I do not feel obligated to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reasons, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
In that situation - I don't know. I'd like to say I wouldn't cheat. But then again maybe I'd feel differently if faced with that situation.
Like another poster mentioned, it's the fact that she can and she won't that's infuriating. In that case, she has made a choice and so as a result I feel justified.
A crippled, paraplegic wife has no choice and so if I did weaken and cheat, I wouldn't feel justified. I'd probably feel extremely guilty.
I have a feeling you're changing the subject. What you've described is a very different situation from a spouse who is physically capable of enjoying sex, but doesn't and won't do anything to correct the situation in complete disreagard of his/her spouse's feelings.
I don't mean to change the subject. I'm just interested in how cheating spouses think. So often on this site people feel that cheating really isn't wrong if they can come up with an excuse for it. I'm wondering how they would justify it in this hypothetical situation.
This is no different than if the man is impotent. And in these situations I think it is highly individualized.
Consensual extra-marital sex would be the best solution for some, but I'm sure divorce would be the best solution for most. No-one who respects their spouse should cheat. And respect means more than love in my book.
What I'm interested in is how do women justify getting angry when they find their husbands cheat after deliberately not having sex with them for extended periods of time ..
Well, I would think that what would make them angry is the fact that a cheater is lying, sneaking around and humiliating them behind their back, laughing at them for thinking they are loved or respected.
However, if you refuse to have sex with your husband, and for some reason the two of you don't want to divorce, then you need to open your marriage.
What is so wrong about cheating is that it is so dishonest. If you tell her, I need sex and if you don't give it to me I'm going to go outside our marriage, and then you do that without lying or sneaking around, well then, what can she say?
What's hilarious is how men will say "I need that connection with my wife, it's how I know she loves me. But she won't give it to me, so I'm doing a college girl. You know, for emotional fullfillment."
Like another poster mentioned, it's the fact that she can and she won't that's infuriating.
THAT is the reason that makes cheating a consideration. If the wife is cheating her man out of something that is and can only be a part of marriage...without trying to discover why she doesn't want it, then IMHO, she has no right to make him to be the big cheater when after years of frustration he "falls in love" with a woman who makes him feel like a man. However, if she does not know his feelings, she may think he is happy with how things are...then he is dishonest because he has not used every possible resource to "fix" his marriage.
Wanting sex for a connection is different than using the lack of sex for justifying physical one night stands. In these situations, many men do not want to work at making their wives interested....they want her to be the sex slave.
If my wife were paralyzed, I do not know how I would react. And yes, I have asked myself that often. It would not be easy, but it would be more understandable as to why she could not have sex.
What I don't get is that men who want sex are just wanting sex, but women who want sex "need" the sex for connection and feel rejected without it. Men in a different way need more than just a physical release. Stoopid Guy mentioned on another thread that if a wife at least gave a physical release to her husband, he would not feel frustrated. Having been there, this works occasionally, but even this does nothing for making a man feel that he can turn his woman on. This is important.
If a wife cannot be turned on due to physical reasons, then this is understandable. If she cannot due to emotional reasons, this is much harder to take. At the back of the mind is the idea that if another man tried...he could...it is me, not her.
Sorry to say....men do need sex to feel connected to their wife, just like women need conversation and attention to feel connected to the husband.
__________________ “Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." --Unknown
Sorry to say....men do need sex to feel connected to their wife, just like women need conversation and attention to feel connected to the husband.
Don't be sorry to say that. Some women need more than conversation to feel connected, sex is an important part of any romantic adult relationship. I personally couldn't see putting up with living with someone else if I weren't getting my chassis lubed regularly.
But the thing is, if a man says he needs sex because it's an expression of love between him and his wife, and when he doesn't get it he goes out and nails anything that will sit still, then I find it hard to believe it's really the emotional connection he's after.
AND, if a woman is cheating him out of a normal healthy relationship, then I think the best thing to do is end the marriage, but if finances or whatever make that impossible (women need to have a career, this powerlessness infuriates me, it is SO naive and stupid to count on someone else to take care of you) and she still refuses to engage in a normal, healthy adult relationship with her husband, then he shouldn't have to hide going out with other women. He shouldn't have to "cheat," see what I mean?
But what I'm really asking is, do you guys really think that if your wife were paralyzed you'd be justified in having sex with other women?
What it still comes down to in the end is cheating is indeed cheating. I am not saying that people should never go outside thier marriage for sex in any situation. On the contrary. I honestly do believe that in many situations this is the exact answer. The only part of it that disgusts me in any way is the *cheating* part. It is the lack of information given to the other person.
If a partner is physically disabled and unable to participate in sex with a partner with high needs, there is going to be a conversation. I doubt there would be any way to avoid it.
To me the same should lie true if one partner finds themselves totally uninterested in sex. Although I do think every effort should be made to reignite those feelings..in the end..if they arent there I think that the person, be it man or woman that feels the need to seek release elsewhere, owes it to the person they took vows with to tell them exactly that.
I have a semi open relationship with my husband. Certain things are allowed under pretty specific circumstances and with very specific people. Do I think there is more going on then I am informed of? No. Do I do more then I inform him of? No. If I caught him being with a woman when I had no knowledge of would I consider that cheating? Absolutely and my solution would be quick and simple, I would leave him and never look back. I would expect the same from him. Just because we both participate in extra marital activity does not mean we love each other less..the fact is I truly believe we love each other more then most people. We have an extremely honest, frank and loving relationship. Unlike people that have sex with other people behind each others back, I can say in all honesty..we never cheat. Cheating is cowardly and disgusting. Before anyone asks, no..we would never ever do anything with anyone who was married behind thier spouses back. That is cheating.
But the thing is, if a man says he needs sex because it's an expression of love between him and his wife, and when he doesn't get it he goes out and nails anything that will sit still, then I find it hard to believe it's really the emotional connection he's after.
Why are you assuming he's out to nail anything that sits still? Have you considered that just maybe he has an affair with someone he cares about? Someone he has an emotional connection with?
Quote:
Originally Posted by catgirl1927
AND, if a woman is cheating him out of a normal healthy relationship, then I think the best thing to do is end the marriage, but if finances or whatever make that impossible (women need to have a career, this powerlessness infuriates me, it is SO naive and stupid to count on someone else to take care of you) and she still refuses to engage in a normal, healthy adult relationship with her husband, then he shouldn't have to hide going out with other women. He shouldn't have to "cheat," see what I mean?
Sure, he should do it right under her nose and give her plenty of evidence for divorce court.
Quote:
Originally Posted by catgirl1927
But what I'm really asking is, do you guys really think that if your wife were paralyzed you'd be justified in having sex with other women?
It seems really dumb to become emotionally involved with a woman while you are married. Dumb and complicated. Why not just divorce so you can be happy?
If the only reason you're with your wife is because you don't want her to take anything from you in divorce court, 1)You'd be happier without her anyway, money isn't everything and 2)Wow, what a messed up idea about marriage you have.
Stoopid guy, I swear to God, if I had any idea of who you and your wife were I would so let her know about you. Your wife may indeed have some pretty serious issues but you are just about the biggest jerk I have ever had the displeasure of attempting to communicate with.
All you care about is your wallet and your penis. All you want is for people to line up and approve of you having an affair, you sicken me.
For all you men feel adultery is justified if you aren't getting sex from your wife:
What if your wife were in an accident and paralyzed from the neck down, and had no sensation and therefore could not enjoy sex? Would you feel justified in pursuing outside relationships?
This is of course assuming you wouldn't just leave her.
Ok, how about if my husband became paralyzed. Would I force him to have sex? No, but I would be having lots of discussions with doctors and other paralyzed persons on how to keep good sex in our relationship. If I were the one paralyzed, I'd still do the same thing. Sex is important in our relationship. It is our personal connection to each other and to no one else.
The problem is that if a man is not getting sex at home and cheats, he'll always be seen as a selfish, perverted SOB for having an affair. It don't matter that the wife won't touch him. It won't matter that she treats him worse than she treats the family dog. He'll still be seen as a monster. Publicly the woman will denounce him, and force him to give 1/2 of everything he owns. The man is still being punished for wanting to have a sexual connection to his wife.
I'm with James M on this one: The person witholding the sex is the first person in the marriage to break their vows. They vowed to love their mate through anything. Vowing to love the other person includes meeting their emotional and sexual needs. Problem is, there is no outward sign to the public that she/he has broken that vow. The act of commiting adultery is an outward sign though.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
