Physical Fitness, Health & Weight ManagementStaying fit and physically healthy is essential! Remember, we aren't subsitutes for your physician! As always, talk to your doctor before following any suggestions or advice!
ah, Tudor, to me there's a fine line in the mentality of "please lose weight because I'm worried for your health and I want you to live as long as possible so we can enjoy our life together" and "you're fat an unattractive" -- unless you've got a personal investment in the overweight person (i.e. spouse, family member, concerned friend), all you see is the weight and you automatically assume this is a lazy person who refuses to better him/herself by "looking good."
which is why my first thought is to say "hell no" to people who comment on my weight and suggest I can do better.
I agree there is very fine line and this is very delicate topic to approach. My comments were directly related to spouses or significant others. If I don't know you then I have no room to comment on anyone's weight or the circumstances for it. But my comments were more about watching some one you love or care about gain the weight for no other reason than just being lazy. There will always be circumstances be it gene related, medical, etc for people's weight and I do not judge because I do want to be judged myself. If I meet some one who is over weight and I make a comment about their weight then I would expect a swift kick in the balls.
I think the important thing is mostly women who simply start eating too much and keep putting it on. It has a lot to do with how the man percieves her weight gain. Probably few men would be totally indifferent. But there could be some resentment on part of a lot of men. If the weight gain is caused by other factors rather than just eating too much then it is just another challange in a relationship.
I agree that it is certainly different if there are medical reasons or several pregnancies involved in the gain. I don't think most men would really be perturbed by that. But like Neptune says, when it's women who simply start eating too much and keep putting it on, I think it's a fair question.
hmmmmm..... I guess there is some point at which it would start being a problem to me, but as long as my boy respects his body and his mind and our relationship then I will love him whatever shape he is. I feel this way about everything, not just weight... like he does more drugs than me and some things that are kind of hard and I don't really like, but he does them very very rarely and with appropriate caution and respect for what they do and I know he respects his body and mind so I don't mind, it is his life. If it started hurting him or our relationship, I would start to actively disapprove. He has said to me before that if he lost his legs or something then he would understand if I left him... I told him that if he lost his legs and became a bitter self loathing nothing of a person, then yeah, I would leave him, but if he lost his legs and was able to get over being upset and angry about it and continue being himself then I would continue to love the bright wonderful person that he is... same thing with weight gain... I could really care less until it got to the point where it was either very unhealthy or got in the way of him feeling good about himself and being the best person he could be.
I am from the school of thought that if I can't see mr happy anymore then I need to diet
Art_Critic you are not seeing things clearly. You need to get Mr. Happy extended a bit more then .
Weight is only an issue, if it is a health issue. Not all people who are overweight suffer from depression (which is a mental health issue). If a SO has one, you should try to be encouraging him / her to address the issue, and become healthier. That will have a positive impact on both your lives. Well worth it.
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The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Adorno
My wife's weight gain is seriously hurting our marriage.
I don't demand skinny, not at all. But she gained 170 pounds to reach a grand total of 310 pounds. And has kept it on for over 10 years.
I'm sorry, but that much weight does affect my attraction to her. Not my love for her but definitely my attraction for her. To such an extent that I frequently can't function in the bedroom because I am so turned off. Does that make me a jerk? Or is this a completely unreasonable amount of weight?
We frequently have the "You should love me the way I am" fight. What she just won't hear is that I DO love her but the weight has brought our sex life to a virtual stop. And since she equates sex to love, no sex means I don't love her.
What would you people do in this situation? Am I so bad of a person for being affected by it? Would you be?
If I got into a relationship and the girl gained 100 lbs while we were together I would definitely be bothered by it. I don't buy the "you should love me no matter what" BS. If she isn't putting in the same effort to maintain herself that she did in the beginning of the relationship then not only is she less attractive, but it means she doesn't feel the relationship is important enough to put in the requisite effort. It's not just the physical attractiveness, or lack thereof, of the weight gain, but the attitude behind it.
It goes not only for weight but for other things. If a girl was nice and sweet and treated me well in the beginning, should I stick around and "love her no matter what" if she stopped treating me well? Of course not. The same goes for personal hygiene or any other number of things that go into making yourself an attractive partner. I think it's an unhealthy mentality to think, "Well I have you now so I can just let myself go and you should stick around anyway."
I don't stop going to the gym when I'm in a relationship. One good thing about my last ex was that she ran 5 miles a day without fail and helped motivate me to hit the gym more often. I liked that.
If anything I hit the gym more when I'm in a relationship than when I'm single. For one, I want to look good to my SO. And secondly, I want to already be looking good should we break up and I have to dive back into the dating pool.
It may not be PC to say, but I think people should keep themselves looking good for their partner, not just for themselves. I want my SO to think I'm hot, not just tolerate me out of a sense--false or not--of obligation.
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No, you're not a bad person for being affected by it. You can't help how you feel. I think it's really great that you can distinguish your love for her from your loss of attraction due to the weight gain. The numbers that you posted aren't healthy, is she concerned about her health? Is there a reason that she gained that much weight and can she get help for whatever reason it is?
When I was married my then wife was about 5'7 145 lbs.. I was married for 5 years and in that time she swelled to almost 180lbs+ and I never cared.. It was her body not mine..
As well as the weight gain was caused by all the injections from invitro and trying to have a baby as well as having a misscarriage at 3 months..
so her body was out of whack
I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue..
When you love someone you don't notice their size.
I'm sorry, but that much weight does affect my attraction to her. Not my love for her but definitely my attraction for her. To such an extent that I frequently can't function in the bedroom because I am so turned off. Does that make me a jerk? Or is this a completely unreasonable amount of weight?
It's a wholly unreasonable amount of weight. If you were being vicious and cruel about it, I'd call you a jerk...but you're not being vicious. You're being a concerned and honest spouse.
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What would you people do in this situation? Am I so bad of a person for being affected by it? Would you be?
Yes, I'd be affected by it.
Sexual attraction shouldn't be conditional on a partner being physically perfect, but I think it's fair enough for people to expect that their partners would want to enhance their sex lives - and be attractive to their partners - by keeping in reasonable shape.
Provided you aren't being cruel and destructive - eg comparing your partner unfavourably to other women, telling her she looks "ugly" etc - and it certainly doesn't sound as if you are, then I think it's reasonable for you to be concerned about the fact that she weighs more than 300 pounds. Slightly overweight is one thing - and many people quite suit being a little on the plump side - but 300 pounds is unhealthily obese by any standards.
It might be helpful if you switch the emphasis away from your feelings about her size - and turn it more towards what she thinks about it, and whether she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter. That's all about giving her back a bit of control...and, hopefully, starting to do something about her weight because she wants to, rather than because she feels pressurised into it. If she does show signs of trying to address the problem, remember to give her lots of encouragement - positive re-inforcement is always more effective than negative comments....and, obviously, is better for your relationship.
It might be helpful if you switch the emphasis away from your feelings about her size - and turn it more towards what she thinks about it, and whether she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter.
While I understand what lindya is trying to say, I've also seen it backfire. The conversation went something like:
He: Have you given any thought to your weight? That may be causing some of your knee and hip problems.
She: I'm fine the way I am.
He: I love you no matter what. I'm just wondering if you considered the possibility that losing weight may reduce some of the joint pain you have.
She: Are you saying I'm fat?
He: I didn't say you were fat.
She: Well, it sure sounded like it to me!
He: I was just wondering if it had crossed your mind that losing some weight may help.
She: How dare you tell me I'm fat!!
He: Sweetheart, it's not about being fat. It's about lessening the pressure on your joints. I know it must be very painful to walk around on damaged ankles and knees.
She: Don't you try to suck up to me, mister....
... and the conversation dissolved into chaos, culminating in her yelling and screaming at him while he sat there and took all sorts of verbal abuse.
Point is, there are some subjects that, no matter how gently they are approached, they automatically cause a defensive response.
Excessive weight gain, (not including medical reasons) matters. I think it's naive to say that it doesn't. I'm not saying that the love for someone is dependent on their size, but attraction is. When I started dating my fiance I was around 155. At my heaviest, I reached 170. I am currently around 145 and our sex life is much hotter now then it was when I was 170. Why? I have more self-confidence, and my fiance finds me sexier. It matters. Did he ever stop loving me? No, and I never doubted his love. Why must we be sooo insecure that our SO admitting that our weight gain bother's them makes them Cruel instead of us lazy??? This makes no sense to me. Isn't your SO the one whom you depend on to tell you hard truths? Isn't "letting yourself go" taking your SO for granted? I also love my fiance so I want him to get to have the pleasure of sex with an attractive woman. Now I'm certainly not willing to let that attractive woman be anyone else, so it's gotta be me!! If that requires a couple extra hours at the gym, so be it. I want my man to think, "Wow, she's hot..." when he sees me. Who doesn't? I'm willing to go the extra mile for my man, and I'd have no quams about telling him to hit the gym more if he was getting heavy.
... and the conversation dissolved into chaos, culminating in her yelling and screaming at him while he sat there and took all sorts of verbal abuse.
Point is, there are some subjects that, no matter how gently they are approached, they automatically cause a defensive response.
People will generally respond to criticism, even criticism that deep down they believe is justified, with a defensive response. Sometimes you just have to be patient and let them express their hurt feelings without trying to invalidate them. Trying to think about the above conversation from the woman's perspective (don't shoot me for this, Slub):
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He: Have you given any thought to your weight? That may be causing some of your knee and hip problems.
What she believes is the subtext .."You're complaining about having knee & hip probs. I see this as a good opportunity for me to broach the subject of your excess weight."
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She: Are you saying I'm fat?
He: I didn't say you were fat.
She (maybe) thinks "He certainly implied it."
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He: Sweetheart, it's not about being fat. It's about lessening the pressure on your joints. I know it must be very painful to walk around on damaged ankles and knees.
She: Don't you try to suck up to me, mister....
She (maybe) thinks "let's not pretend this is purely about you being concerned for my health. You think I'm fat, and you don't like me this way. Don't patronise me by pretending you're thinking about my welfare. You just want me to start getting myself into a more shaggable shape!"
So she might get defensive - not just about her weight, but about him refusing to validate her hurt feelings about him thinking her weight is a problem. He gets defensive because he's tried his best to be sensitive and diplomatic about this - but whatever he says, she's just determined to fly off the handle about it.
So there's clear conflict that neither person is handling particularly effectively. She wants to see it through and get the issues out on the table (eg does he think I'm too fat? Is it affecting his attraction towards me?). She's using aggression and emotion as a form of dealing with the conflict. He's using avoidance - which isn't usually much more effective (if at all) than aggression as a form of conflict resolution.
I think in that situation he could have called a halt to that circular, negative discussion by shifting away from the position that he must defend his self image as a caring sensitive individual. Shift towards getting the issues out directly and clearly - without being cruel about it. "you're fat" is unkind and judgemental. "I think you're probably significantly over the healthy weight range for your height" isn't - in my opinion anyway. It's just a statement. A person's perception expressed in fairly neutral terms. Possibly one that will still draw a hurt and angry reaction, but that's just a stage people have to work through in these types of difficult discussions. You generally can't bypass it.
I guess what tends to happen in conversations like this is that no matter what the man says, his lady may automatically default into a defensive posture. Frankly, I don't know a way around it, so instead of trying to tiptoe around the topic, maybe it would be better just to be direct and forthright.
Now, I personally don't have a problem if someone says to me, "Man, you need to lose a little beef. Look at that belly of yours!" looks down, ponders gut I appreciate directness.
But many don't. How would a woman prefer to hear a concern expressed about something as touchy as her weight?
I still suspect there are others out there that aren't speaking up because it's not PC to say, "yes, I would leave my SO if they were to gain weight". I appreciate the honest responses from everyone though.
The only thing I haven't seen come up (well slightly in the beginning of the thread) is the response to the difference between weight gain from a health issue versus a non-health related issue.
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