I am drained! THis cannot be healthy? Is it ok to leave someone you still love?

No Foolin · 16th July 2005, 7:41 PM

..........Beth, I think some serious reality questions are in order. What do you think is going to become of this relationship, or lack thereof?

Do you really think you can put humpty dumpty back together again? This is over. People say some questionable stuff at the tail end of things (we are not at our best at the end of things).

Do you think the issue might be you?

Did it dawn on you he might have "other" interests, and you are a plan B? (you should be pis*ed about this)

Finally** Do you really want to know?

The person causing you pain, anguish, saddness and desperation is YOU! YOU are all you are promised, time spent dwelling on that and working through this is what you got. If you don't stand for something, you will go for anything.

I would not front you a B.S. product. The playbook is all here on the coping forum. There have been many people who have wrote some solid no B.S. stuff, all you need to do is remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing and work it, wash, rinse, repeat (a year from now you're a different girl, promise

).

Oh, P.S. this isn't going to be clean, never is.

No Foolin

smile95 · 17th July 2005, 10:09 AM

No Foolin.....

I know that it is over. I woke up today not wantingto really face the day. It is sad that this man that claimed tolove me really does not. I have to leave all of this in the past I guess. It is never going to end the way I want and you are right. I cannotmake him be the man he was before.

I know that when we are together, I am misserable becasue he makes no effort. When we are apart I am miserable too becaue I miss him. Why does my brain not remember the fact that when we are togeteher it is awful!!!!!

lindya · 17th July 2005, 11:26 AM

Beth, No Foolin' is right. The man himself is not the problem - the problem is that you have allowed yourself to become completely controlled by your emotions about him. Soulmates recognise eachother, and anything more one-sided than that is simply infatuation - which can exist even within an established relationship where feelings are reciprocated to some extent.

Of course this guy thinks the situation is fine. He's got the stable feeling of knowing someone is crazy about him, and would commit to him in a second if he were to decide that's what he wanted. He says that the two of you are "fine". Not "you rock my world and you knock my socks off". No...just "fine".

It's a ****ty feeling to be the person who is providing a sense of stability but nothing more exciting or heart-spinning than that, isn't it? I seriously doubt that the fact that you're in this situation is any kind of reflection on you though (beyond, that is, the fact that you allow yourself to remain in it). Perhaps this guy's just not the type who'll be capable of ever having a "I'd fly in front of a flying bullet for you, and you'd do the same for me" type relationship with anybody. From what you say, it doesn't really sound as if he has the heart and the stomach for it.

smile95 · 17th July 2005, 12:07 PM

Its not like he has ever broken up with me.....he does like it this way, like you said. He gets all the perks and has to give 0.

He was my life for 3 yrs and all I thought about. I have to somehow retrain my brain to thikn about pther things.

I have to break this addiction and I have no idea where to start. First, I have to accept that we are not going to end this on a good note considering he never speaks to me about this. I just have to get my own closure.

I really am addicted to him. And what I thought was love. I do not do obsessive things toward him. just my thoughts.

One thing I have learned is to NEVER let things slide the way I have. He walks all over me now and knows he can and I come back at the drop of a hat.

smile95 · 17th July 2005, 12:27 PM

I assume then the worst thing I could do would be to continue to call and get him to talk this out with me. Each time I do, and he ignores, I feel more rejected.

lindya · 17th July 2005, 12:34 PM

How about starting a new thread, "managing your emotions". You could ask people for techniques and ideas for doing this.

To start you off, one technique involves focusing on your physical sensations as soon as your emotions are getting out of control. It's almost a form of self-hypnosis...concentrate on relaxing your shoulders, steadying your breathing and "centre" yourself by sitting upright with proper posture and focus on gravity pulling you towards your seat.

This is just one small technique, and it's certainly not the answer to all your problems - but it's a good place to start in sofar as learning to manage your emotions goes. The idea is that your switching your focus away from the emotional pain and onto your physical sensations.

PS - to avoid getting side-tracked, it would be a good idea to set a rule for yourself that any new thread asking for ideas/techniques DOESN'T make mention of your ex.

sanne · 17th July 2005, 6:23 PM

there really isn't any simple answer or cure for this. it's not enough to want to change and to believe that changing is what is best for you, you must have the WILL to change yourself. otherwise you will fall prey to the same cycle that has been destroying you all these years. you really just have to occupy the time in your day with things you used to like to do. i know it'll be hard to do it at first and you won't even want to, but force yourself to. keep forcing yourself to live your life the way you used to before he came in the picture. that is perhaps the best and only way to effectively snap out of all this.

smile95 · 17th July 2005, 6:27 PM

Before him, I was happy. occasionally sad that I had no one, but nothing like I feel now. It is clearly a cycle that we both take part in. I have to stop it. Nothing good comes out of this. I sat here thinking about what it is about him i love and all i came up with was that "I like to hear him say I love you when he calls, I like the memories we shared together(which good ones were 2 yrs ago) and I like the dreams I made up in my head with him in them" I suppose those things can be found in someone else.

Rosalind · 17th July 2005, 6:33 PM

You fell in love with the man you mistook him for..not the man he is.

smile95 · 17th July 2005, 6:37 PM

that is such a sad thing to accept

why would he change? Or maybe that was never really him? The 1st 6 months were incredible and then being LD, I took those memories with me and thought that was him. It is not. I got my mind to think that he was great for 3 yrs, I suppose there has to be a way to make my mind see that he is not. right?