What is an Emotional Affair???

I am not really sure what an EA is? Can one explain to me? I may or may not be in one.... just thie co-wrker and I talk a lot. He mostly asks me somewhat personal questions and seems like he is trying to get to know me? I never ask him anything personal though just him asking me and I do answer them truthfully.

There used to be sexual tension between us and it isn't there anymore (at least on my half). We used to flirt alot and have meaningLESS conversations and now they are meaningFUL. He looks me in the eyes and remembers everything I have told him before. We smile laugh and joke with each other but nothing sexual.

He and I are both married to others. So I am not sure if this has become a friendship becuase we no longer "flirt" or is he trying to get inot my head to stir things up???

I had never heard of emotional affairs before so I was just wondering. Thanks!

An emotional affair is when you consistently turn to someone for the emotional support that you should be getting from your H or W. You share personal information and problems with them at the expense of your partner - generally it comes down to two people discussing how unhappy or bored they are in their relationships, when they should be talking to their spouses about resolving those things that are going wrong. You hear the term 'soulmate' tossed around in this sort of affair. You feel that the person understands you in ways that your H or W cannot, and as a result you form a stronger (though often only temporary) bond than the one you have with your H or W. This bond is helped along when there are sexual overtones, and the more 'unhappy' you convince each other you are - the more justified you feel in being with this other person. People in emotional affairs think that if there is no sex, there is no harm - but in many ways, the emotional affair can have greater reaching and more devastating effects than an affair that is primarily sexual. The more you feel you have to hide or protect this relationship from your SO - the deeper you are in it. The deeper you are, the more you see your emotional affair partner as an 'escape' from your humdrum and unhappy marriage - and having to sever the affair for the sake of the marriage at a stage where you see it as your only lifeboat can be extremely painful for the WS to have to do.

It is equally painful for the BS to have to deal with. No less devastating for them, either.

I expect that right now, it would not be easy cutting this guy off completely. Your resistance to this, even at the expense of your marriage should tell you just how far you have allowed yourself to be involved in this on an emotional level.

People who are 'just friends' are willing to involve their spouses fully. People who are involved in emotional affairs take great pains to make sure their spouses are not involved.

Take a look at my story over on the infidelity thread...gives a great example of an EA. In my case, my wife's relationship with OM was ALL EA...since they'd never met in person.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

It's harder to break than a physical affair.

I agree boating babe. I got caught up in one of these once, not really understanding the ramifications of what I was involved in, and was devestated when it ended. I ended it, because I realized it had become very wrong, and it wasn't doing either of us any good. I still ocassionally try to pin point the moment it stopped being friends confiding in each other about personal complaining stuff, to where it became overwhelming blatant that this was not "that" anymore. It's a hard thing to nail down - especially if you're a very open conversational type of person like I am. I like to talk about everything under the sun - and sometimes what's even behind it hahaha

What if you're caught up in BOTH an emotional affair and sexual affair? Is it hard to end as well?

Originally posted by jadeblossom

What if you're caught up in BOTH an emotional affair and sexual affair? Is it hard to end as well?

Harder. Much harder. Not only do you fall in love with the person, but you become physically addicted as well - and you find that you respond to no other touch but the touch of your lover.

I would think that purely physical affairs - the kind that is all sex, no emotion - one night stands, or stuff like that would be easier to end than emotional affairs, and definitely more easy to end than emotional affairs that ended up going physical after some emotional bonding time.

I know for myself, that I am far more sensitive to mental/emotional stimuli, then just straight up physical stimuli. It was much more difficult for me to lose this person mentally then it would have been physically. I can connect with anyone physically, but I have rarely found someone of the opposite sex, that I deeply connect with on a mental and emotional level. This is why I said (above) that it was far more difficult for me to break off and get over, then if it had been some purely physical fling. It ate away at me, and depressed me for quite some time afterward. She kept contacting me, even though I clearly told her that this was over, and eventually she stopped. It was messing up her relationship, and it was definitely messing up mine as well. I had no idea how dangerous this could be.

Blackfrost,

Then how did you actually get over her? Was it just "time" that helped?

My "affair" was both physical and emotional.

My ex-MM never had a great sex life or much experience. I had the opposite background. Our sex life together was unbelievable. So clearly, it was a factor in the relationship. For me, it became absolutely the situation LB describes:

Not only do you fall in love with the person, but you become physically addicted as well - and you find that you respond to no other touch but the touch of your lover.

Our second time around (the past 2 years) the sexual relationship took a back seat, for many reasons. It was stellar at the beginning, but he didn't pursue it as much after a short time. However, it was the emotional aspect that kept us glued. He would like to stay in my life forever, and would PREFER that the relationship be non-sexual.

I think EA's are much harder to break off, unless you are dealing with someone with a sexual addiction. Look, the reality is, that the MM is married, and he can get sex at home (and usually does). No sex is worth the agita of a long term affair - for most people, it's the emotional aspect that keeps it going.

I just dealt with the pain of it each day, and remained strong in my resolve to not talk to her again. Eventually the pain slowly went away over time.

This is EA information is depressing, though no more than i already am. i, a MM have given my heart to another woman. She too is married. i have never in my life known what addiction truly was until this friendship of ours somehow developed into this emotional craving that i just can't satisfy.

i guess the only redeeming aspect of what we share is that we are separated by 1000 miles and the opportunities to travel are limited. emails and telephone calls sustain our "connection."

even so, i crave, i long for her attention as i have for no other.

it is driving me crazy. i know what i have to do--- break it off and stop all contact.

but i can't. i am just not that strong.

Originally posted by Blackfrost

I know for myself, that I am far more sensitive to mental/emotional stimuli, then just straight up physical stimuli. It was much more difficult for me to lose this person mentally then it would have been physically. I can connect with anyone physically, but I have rarely found someone of the opposite sex, that I deeply connect with on a mental and emotional level. This is why I said (above) that it was far more difficult for me to break off and get over, then if it had been some purely physical fling. It ate away at me, and depressed me for quite some time afterward. She kept contacting me, even though I clearly told her that this was over, and eventually she stopped. It was messing up her relationship, and it was definitely messing up mine as well. I had no idea how dangerous this could be.

Blackfrost: You are correct in saying the emotional aspect is the hardest. I am the MW and am missing the person I had an EA with. We had an EA and physical affair many years ago. He can back into my life unintentionally. We talked about the old days together and he told me that one of the reasons he left town was because of me and being married. We didn't have closure the 1st time. He also told me I was his first great love. We decided we were better at being friends than lovers. So we started meeting for lunch twice a week as "FRIENDS".

This went on for the past 5 months. One thing led to another and the emotional affair and then semi-physical affair (making out) started. We talked about the old flame not dying and that we were in love with eachother AGAIN. When he asked me to make our affair public and leave my husband before we actually spent a night together, I told him no. He said he cannot have an affair with a married woman. He said he cannot be a part-time BF and possibly ruin our lives if we were caught.

So NC went on for about 2 1/2 weeks and I couldn't stand it. I emailed him and he responded. We met for closure. He said it was up to me to have NC or limited email contact and maybe lunch twice a year. He said he preferred the latter. He said he no longer wants to be a party that causes issues between my husband and me. So I will see how this goes. I will probably be initiating the contact and if he doesn't respond I will stop it.

Originally posted by Blackfrost

She kept contacting me, even though I clearly told her that this was over, and eventually she stopped. It was messing up her relationship, and it was definitely messing up mine as well. I had no idea how dangerous this could be.

I know that I should stop it, but it it is a daily battle for me. I am depressed but feel that I can get my life back to where it was almost 6 months ago. As long as I keep this going in my heart, it affects my marriage. But your point of view has helped me see his point of view. Glad I read your post.

And that brings up another question: can the MW and the MM actually be "friends"?

I find myself in that situation now, after a 6 month affair. We both did not want to leave

our families, because we both have children. He and I developed such strong feelings for

each other, it was overwhelming. So him and his wife are starting coucilling and he decided

it would be wrong to continue the affair during this period. And I agree. But, he says he

still wants to talk to me and have me in his life. We're trying this but it is so hard on me.

I know I cannot see him and the talking isn't what it used to be.

My question is this: Why does he insist on still talking to me and won't let me go? I know

our feelings are still strong for each other, but what does he hope to gain from this? Who knows

when and if, we'll ever see each other.

Thanks for listening everyone....let me know if you have any thoughts on this one.

And that brings up another question: can the MW and the MM actually be "friends"?

In your case, no. You can't be "just" friends with your MM. It isn't fair to either of you as the feelings will still be there and both of you would be getting something from it - taking away that extra energy that should be put into each of your spouses. Keeping intouch and being friends only prolongs the pain.

It's hard enough on you, so why would you want to do this to yourself? I know you care about him alot but ya can't go back to it being 'casual' because of the feelings involved. And it will also prevent you from moving on and letting go...

I find myself in that situation now, after a 6 month affair. We both did not want to leave

our families, because we both have children. He and I developed such strong feelings for

each other, it was overwhelming. So him and his wife are starting coucilling and he decided

it would be wrong to continue the affair during this period. And I agree. But, he says he

still wants to talk to me and have me in his life. We're trying this but it is so hard on me.

I know I cannot see him and the talking isn't what it used to be.

 

My question is this: Why does he insist on still talking to me and won't let me go? I know

our feelings are still strong for each other, but what does he hope to gain from this? Who knows

when and if, we'll ever see each other.

 

Thanks for listening everyone....let me know if you have any thoughts on this one.

He isn't ready to move on yet either. Those feelings are still being 'fed' so that is why he is keeping intouch. The best thing is to say goodbye, get the closure and end it completely, do no contact. It will be hard to do, but has to be done, for yoursake, his and his family's sake. It isn't fair to play ping pong still, knowing there will be no future between you two.

Oh..I'll tell you what an emotional affair is : it's the start of trouble...BIG trouble.

That's how I lost my ex..."Oh Rosalind, nothing for you to be concerned about, she's only a friend.''

Thank you whichwayisup....I had a feeling you would say that! lol

The sad part is, things have definitely changed since he started doing the counciling. I don't want to pressure him into seeing me, and we're trying to make this friends thing work, but who knows. And then I think to myself, if I don't know when and if we'll ever see each other, what's the point in keeping in touch?? Is there a point?