It sounds like she won't listen even if you give her sound advice, and may even get mad at you for your well-intentioned efforts. So just let her make her own mistakes, and stay out of the way. She'll ask you for advice when she feels like she needs it.
I gave her hints before when she met this one guy (of course this is a different guy then she is marrying) and she fell head over heels for him and all he wanted to do was be friends. He thought she was a very nice woman but he was not attracted to her. And the guy kept on giving her hints like, "I think of you like a sister" and she was just not getting it. That guy even got a girlfriend and she didn't get the clue and she knew about his girlfriend. And I even tried giving her hints that that guy only liked her as a friend and finally one day she just got mad at me and didn't talk to me for awhile. Well, later on she found out I was right and started talking to me again.
Last edited by inhighwater; 23rd June 2005 at 6:15 PM..
Originally posted by inhighwater
I gave her hints before when she met this one guy (of course this is a different guy then she is marrying) and she fell head over heels for him and all he wanted to do was be friends. He thought she was a very nice woman but he was not attracted to her. And the guy kept on giving her hints like, "I think of you like a sister" and she was just not getting it. That guy even got a girlfriend and she didn't get the clue and she knew about his girlfriend. And I even tried giving her hints that that guy only liked her as a friend and finally one day she just got mad at me and didn't talk to me for awhile. Well, later on she found out I was right and started talking to me again.
Doesn't surpise me. Sounds like maybe she's a woman whose good sense completely flies out the window when she's "in love." This marriage has 'disaster waiting to happen' written all over it. But I doubt you'll be able to convince her of that without changing her entire way of thinking about relationships and marriage.
She probably believes that marriage will make her happy and solve her problems, that it doesn't matter who she's married to, as long as "they're in love". Those books I told you about earlier are written with women like her in mind. If anything can make her see reality, I genuinely think they can. Of course, she has to be willing to read them and take the advice seriously. It just might take a divorce before she realizes that her approach and expectations in relationships is counterproductive.
__________________ "It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not."
To Con't about this other guy (the guy friend that she fell head over heels for not the one she is going to marry):
Jan went to her mom and told her mom that her and this guy (friend) were getting along great. Her mom talked to this guy (friend) one night and was asking him all kinds of questions just like he was going to be her soon son-in-law. And this guy was like, "What?" And this guy friend basically told Jan's mom that marriage was never going to happen between him and Jan and that he thought of Jan like a sister. And that he had a serious girlfriend. And Jan's mom was like, "Oh?"
I don't know what to do with Jan.
I will definitely have to look for those books.
Last edited by inhighwater; 23rd June 2005 at 6:51 PM..
Originally posted by inhighwater
To Con't about this other guy (the guy friend that she fell head over heels for not the one she is going to marry):
Jan went to her mom and told her mom that her and this guy (friend) were getting along great. Her mom talked to this guy (friend) one night and was asking him all kinds of questions just like he was going to be her soon son-in-law. And this guy was like, "What?" And this guy friend basically told Jan's mom that marriage was never going to happen between him and Jan and that he thought of Jan like a sister. And Jan's mom was like, "Oh?"
I don't know what to do with Jan.
Eep! And I thought I was bad just thinking about marriage right off the bat with a guy I was dating. Poor girl. She sounds like an extreme case.
Just make sure you're there for her if/when it all falls apart, because she's setting herself up to get hurt bad.
Then the guy friend told Jan's mom that he was going to talk to Jan about the situation and he got ahold of Jan (I forget how many days or weeks later, finally) and told her that no marriage was ever going to happen between them and that he thought of her like a sister and that he was going to marry his girlfriend. And Jan chewed the poor guy out! And sure enough he did, he married his girlfriend.
I agree with the poster that said it's not your job to monitor her life. You've stated your opinion. Opinion noted. If she's happy, be as happy as you can for her. Don't doom the relationship simply because of the short time span. I hear story after story after story of people that were met and married within 3 weeks, a month, 2 months, etc and those marriages are still going strong after 5, 8, 10, 20 yrs.
The only advice I have is that its' her life to live, not yours. Let her live it. If it's a mistake that will come to light!
__________________
CURVYGURL
For peace of mind, resign as General Manager of the Universe.
hmmm... personally I don't think that her marriage is necessarily doomed. I don't think that it always matters how long you have known a person when you get married.
I was with my ex for four years before cheated on me. I NEVER thougt he would do that. It took me four years to realize he was an idiot.
My friend was married when she was 19 to a guy she knew for three months. They are VERY happily married, and have been for about five years.
You never know how things will turn out. I think it's quite possible they could be a great couple. I think it just depends on their expectations of a relationship and marriage.
Originally posted by moimeme
I'd say the same if it was a man and he met a woman who was rushing him into marriage.
Yup. There's always a bad reason for a mad rush to marriage - it's not exactly a sign of sanity on either side. And commitments which are easily made are also easily broken IME
You've given your opinion. The wedding bells drowned it out. Now you need to be the supportive friend and at her side in case it all falls down. Which, sadly, it probably will.
__________________
That is not me in the photo. Nor is it my ass
You know what?? WHO CARES, you never know till you try..Have you met someone and then a month later you were engaged? If not then you can voice your opinion on it, but cant tell her that its not going to work or its going to fail because its too soon..
Let her live a little, its her life and im sure she wants to cherish it being as its the only one shes got.
And if it does fail then she learned from her mistake, and thats all you can do..
If you were in her position would you want someone breathing down your neck, or trying to tell you how to live your life??? Of course not, so why do it to her?
Maybe I did not express my feelings clear enough about the situation.
I am cool with that fact that my friend, Jan, is seeing this guy. I want her to continue to "SEE" him. I am very happy that she found someone. I just fear that this guy is a fake because he is pushing marriage so very early after just meeting her. I would think totally different of this if one of her family members or friends knew him or knew of him before she met him. K! Let me point some facts out:
Very young man finds older established woman.
Established woman that will jump feet first into a relationship and/or marriage with the fact of only knowing the guy for a couple of months.
Jan has her own house which he is moving into. It belonged to a family member of hers. I am not positive if Jan now owns it or her parents. I don't ever remember her telling me that information and I don't remember ever asking about it. But if she does own it that I am afraid is a risk that she could lose it to this guy if he is a fake. And most likely he would not keep it but sell it for money.
She has a good paying job and with the house that possibly has been given to her or even if her parents owned it, I am sure they ethier did not charge her for rent or if they did I am sure it was not as much as what you would pay for a house payment. So I am assuming that she has money saved up in a bank account or cd's.
This guy could get married to her and in a year divorce her and get her house and sell it and take half of her bank account. Come on! At least I think he could take the house if she owns it. Does anyone know?
This situation is every co-man's dream.
Jan even told me that she would have had a summer wedding (this summer) but she thought that that was pushing it to get it all ready.
I am not only worried about that fact of her feelings being hurt but also the fact that he could bankrupt her that is if he is a fake.
But if she dates him long enough she may find out that he is a fake or she may find out that he is perfect for her. But if she dates him for a year she has a better chance of finding out what kind of person he really is before she marries him.
Last edited by inhighwater; 5th July 2005 at 4:33 PM..
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