[RecordProducer]

Your wife is ridiculous and unfair. Besides, she doesn't want to have kids with you which tells itself how selfish she is for not even letting you have the kid you already have. Make it clear to her that if you have to choose between her and Annie, you will choose Annie, which has nothing to do with Annie's mother. Tell her that her behavior turns you off and it might end up by you leaving her. A third party would be helpful in trying to explain to her some things.

[SoleMate]

...Rachel has nothing to be afraid of...she's always been logical and reasonable except for now...

Hmmmmm.

Rachel should be the one to say whether she has fear or not, not you. Her fears are what they are...your telling us that there is no reason for them is pointless.

Have you actually talked to your life partner and ASKED her to tell you what effect the appearance of Annie has had on her? I suspect that she is deeply hurt, suspicious, jealous, and questioning just what she means to you and what other surprises you are capable of pulling out of your closet.

Don't get me wrong...I would NEVER advise abandoning or deserting your biochild. However, you screwed up when you were 18, and now it is time for some very hard work to do your duty by TWO people who have legitimate claims on your time, attention and love. You are really going to have do LISTEN long and hard to Rachel. It's her turn to talk now. Not yours. You listen, fully and openly, without defensiveness.

Like Mrs Stem said:

...that child needs you and Rachel, and since Rachel is the love of your life, and your mate for life, you need her support in dealing with this situation.

You are NOT in a position to command the support and cooperation of your wife. You can only ask, and do what it takes to make this OK for her. Please google for "marriage builders" and follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. It's the only way to run a marriage. You sound like you have your plan as to what will happen ("instant big happy family"), and you are trying to impose it on your wife without her agreement. THAT'S at the heart of her anger and grief.

And PLEASE forget about having Rachel meet Karla, who is such a great gal and "gets along with everyone". Horrible idea until this problem is resolved.

SUMMARY: ASK Rachel what this situation has done to her, and what you can do to make it right.

[Woggle]

Shame on you for letting your wife yell and scream at your own daughter. That is your own flesh and blood and you are casting her aside for some woman who will probably divorce you ina few years. Any woman who wanted me to cut my own child out of my life would be kicked to the curb.

theres no 'shame on you' you don't control your wifes emotions.

I thinkanother poster may have hit on something though. the other poster couldn't believe that you didn't know or suspect that you had a child out in the world. You say you didn't know and put it out of your mind, but maybe its not so much the child as it is that your wife doubts that you were honest with her and the child is a constant reminder of what she considers your deception. your wife may not even realize that is what it is about.

its silly for others to say your wife has to get over it, we all know that your wife has to come to grips with the situation and deal with it as best she can for her own peace of mind and heart. just as you and the child and the childs mother must do.

instead of trying to 'fix' your wife, why don't you get some counseling for yourself so that you can better handle your own emotions and turmoil and maybe your wife will eventually go to counseling with you.

its going to take some time and adjustment for all of you. one thing that you know is that you can't balance the two most important people in your life without their cooperation. it would be natural fo ryou to want to share your childs triumphs with your wife and not with the childs mother, and you will need hyour wifes love and support when you deal with the hurts your child will inevitably suffer and the worry you will have as a parent.

Its not something your wife ever bargained for, but there is a lot in life that we face and never imagined. it takes some getting used to.