i have to admit that i was thinking about this just the other day. i've had a few very enlightening days.
when i got involved with an MM almost 2 years ago, we ended things quickly. he knew he couldn't continue that way, needed to try to resolve things with his wife, felt guilty, needed to take care of his kids, etc. it hurt but i did understand and felt awful about the whole thing. his W never knew. WELL.... come to find out shortly after we ended things (within a few months) he decided to start an affair with someone else and has since left his W and kids and is convinced that this woman is going to leave her H for him. knowing who this MW is, it is highly unlikely that she will change her lifestyle to be with him. he and i have remained friends, we email and see each other in groups of friends periodically and we really have adjusted to putting the past behind us. well, sort of. but i have to admit, and i know this sounds incredibly hypocritical but .... watching him lie to his W about this now long term affair, using his friends as a "screen" to be able to see this MW, etc., etc. made me pretty angry when i found out. not because i want him back in my life, because i honestly don't, but i had always thought that he and i had gotten caught up in the moment, made a huge mistake that he had learned from and to suddenly see him as the scum that he is .... well, it made me angry at myself too for not being able to see through his facade. but now i see him for who he is and honestly for a brief moment i was happy that his world and his life are now one big pile of shi!. and then i saw his W, and his kids and realized that he's just an incredibly selfish man who clearly could care less about anyone except himself. but i also realized that i don't need revenge, he's screwed up his life pretty badly on his own, and i've moved on. my life is falling back into place, but at his own doing, his is falling apart. he knows i've been dating and am, for the most part happy, he's confused, scared but still refuses to see how his actions are impacting those around him that do love him. he has lost the respect of many around him and i don't think he knows how much i know about the mess he's in. he had told me that he was glad i was there for him to talk to and that my support of what he was going through now was important to him. needless to say, he no longer has that support nor my respect. and if knowing that i was still there as his friend was as important to him as he said it was, i've gotten my revenge. i may have been one of his last friends to still be there to lend support, encouraging him to work things out with his wife, etc. no more, he's on his own in this.
being on the outside of this looking in has been a painful experience and brought back a lot of the feelings of how stupid i was to believe the crap he fed me!
being on the outside of this looking in has been a painful experience and brought back a lot of the feelings of how stupid i was to believe the crap he fed me!
Not stupid. Many of us got caught up in believing the lies MM feed us. At least we learn and move on. THats all we can do.
Originally posted by ConfusedInOC
Never understood why people would want to exact revenge on someone else. Forget about it and move on. No need to stoop to their level.
Exactly.
ww, noone is ganging up on you about posing this question..I just didn't understand what you were talking about when you said I think I did it... Wasn't sure if you meant that you'd done something and couldn't take it back kinda deal, that's all. Sorry if I offended you, wasn't my intent.
No offense .
no problem at all
I just wondered if rest of u had this questions or had gone through the period.
That`s all.
Anyway I would like to thank you all of you, bc when I was going through a hard times you were there for me with your posts and encouraging words.
Now I am way far away from that destructive story and having a nice life but I still come here and read posts.
I guess I became kinda addicted to this site.
And yes from time to time I have a question to make and a advice to give.
yours truly WW
You have also been supportive to me/others. Thank you.
I think that it is perfectly normal to think the way WW is thinking. Just because she has found a new love doesn't mean she doesn't still have a scar from the relationship that caused her so much pain.
well i just started a thread about something similar, not aboutgetting revenge exactly but about getting perspective. i may have sounded abit nasty in that thread to some.
i think in reply to ms mree,
its good to take responsibilty for what we have done, for our part, for our selfishness, this is true.
however, when you weigh up and assess a situation, but discover later that the situation that you were assessing wasnt real then that is another matter entirely.
for example: alot of these mm ARE only in the affair for sex and an ego boost, their wives and children are blissfully unaware of anything being amiss in their family. to discover that daddy loves somebody else and is leaving would be a shock, it would be terrible definetly. however, the picture painted by the mm is as far from this scenario as can be, he describes the home life, the rows the misery, the children being stuck between the war, the unhappiness of both he and his wife in the marriage.
it seems in the grip of this illusion that is also rescuing you from your own misery, that for them to move on with their lives and give the children a more peaceful and happy time individually would be the best for all concerned, and that this amazing loving relationship will help you too.
what i am saying is that the decision that most ow make is based on lies and deception, it is not based on the reality at all. therefore the ow feels justified in placing the blame of both her decision and his decision on the shoulders of the mm.
i am not saying this is completely fair but i am saying it is inevitable and it is natural.
i think the revenge if you can call it that, that i sought was rather to turn the power tables, to have him begging for me and me saying no. this has happened and whilst i wouldnt say it is sweet, its certainly illuminating, what i see is that i must have been extremely unhappy to fall for such clumsy manipulation and to fall for such an awful person really. having said that perhaps for men, losing their hair and their erection is such a huge blow to the ego that they really neeeeed this, its just abit disgusting really, when you see it.
as izzy was saying too, when you see what they really are.
i dont mean to sound judgemental on them, i'm sure they must be in a bit of a desperate state themselves, it is just that they dont seem to have any moments of regret, even when given the chance to.
i have the chance at the moment to play a bit of a nasty trick on my mm regarding a friend of mine that he wants, which kind of made me abit angry when he said it, however, really what is the point???
i dont feel enough about him to bother, i still feel abit embarrassed that i fell for it all and HIM. BUT i dont feel that bad about it since i know how unhappy i was at the time.
so for anyone thinking about revenge, think about what a sad and desperate man he already is, think about how you are better off loosening the ties to him rather than winding yourself closer into it all with games and complications.
And I'm also a firm believer in looking at MY part in whatever brings me misery or resentments - never to point fingers - if i'm believing and falling for some guy that is a walking hard-on and cared for only one part of me (and whomever else) then SHAME ON ME!!!
__________________
~Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen~
msmree i dont think you are the only person taking responsibility for your part in the affair, also its all very well saying this, putting yourself above everyone by saying you take responsibility etc but you are still DOING it so how much responsibility are you really taking?
i mean this with the utmost respect of course!
What are you talking about? Whether i'm "doing it" or not, I'm taking responsibility for my actions - in other words, I'm a girl and realize that i went into this w/my eyes open, consequences be damned (so to speak) AND YES I GET ANGRY, but mostly with myself!!!
With a comment like "You're still doing it" I'd have to ask who is putt'g themselves above everyone.
MsMree.....you are right, I agree with you, I am also a BIG girl, I have noone to blame but myself..... even though we are "still doing it "and going in it with our eyes open...it is after all our own decision to do it, more than anyone, we are responsible for our own happiness...I only wish I could stop being so unhappy and concentrate on my work....
Originally posted by newbee
think about how you are better off loosening the ties to him rather than winding yourself closer into it all with games and complications.
I think the best revenge is for him to miss me and for me to forget all about him...
nice comeback msmree,
and whilst i agree with you that you are a BIG girl and so are all of us i still think it is only natural to feel angry at the mm, i'm not saying its fair to lump the whole blame on to him and i definetly dont agree with outright revenge but it is still only natural to feel alot of anger when somebody has decieved you, same as its natural for the wife to feel angry at the ow because the ow has decieved her or angry at her husband because he decieved her.
you are right though that most of the anger is anger at ourselves that we were decieved and that is what we have to deal with rather than plotting revenge. i agree.
possibly i misunderstood some of your previous posts and thought that you were coming across rather high and mighty when in my opinion you were still doing the same as everyone else in here, and i took your manner the wrong way.
anyway i didnt mean it to be offensive and i hope that it didnt come across that way.
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even though we are "still doing it "and going in it with our eyes open...it is after all our own decision to do it, more than anyone, we are responsible for our own happiness...I only wish I could stop being so unhappy and concentrate on my work.... 
Hybrid Mode
