I know it sounds like things can be fixed, believe me, I've tried for much longer to work on my M to my H, actually have been trying for the past couple yrs.
Things have gone on for so long with no progress regarding intimacy, money, getting out of an apt. into a house, having friends, etc. etc.
I am not trying to soak H for everything and drop him. I will leave when I can support myself, I would like to try being separated for awhile.
I have had to do without so much for so long, it is really getting to me. I had to use student loan money to get clothes, and because does not by any decent clothes for himself, I spent loan money on him for clothes.
H does not take care of himself. I am very patient, but at what point do I give my happiness consideration? As far as intimacy goes, I have been putting in all of the effort, and it is no different.
It is difficult not having a car for over 10 yrs. H has his pick up for his work, and is getting a new SUV in a couple mos. WE live where I can take advantage of a metro system so public transit is good, but not having a car has its problems.
I do not go out and spend my H paycheck on clothes & makeup.
I do not run up charge cards. I used to have AAA credit, but H used MY credit to pay off Biz. & personal debts many yrs. ago, & my credit was murdered. I have to start all over again establishing it.
H is not a bad man, but has not been putting the amount of effort into our M that I think he should. H has procrastinated for yrs.
I have always been aware that a relationship takes lots of work, & both partners
have to work together, but it just is not so.
I am not trying to find an excuse to have an affair- I would not have one. I don't need the trouble.
I have enough self respect that I want to be loved without distraction. I do not want to sit around the house and pop bon-bons in my mouth. I want to work, but it would be nice to have some one fuss over me once and a while and spoil me.
My H is always reinforcing the negative- always finding excuses & obstacle for why we can't do something, or buy something, or go somewhere, etc.
Ok, I see what you mean now. I hope it's ok with you if I adress each point, one by one. And I'm only doing this to show you the other end of the coin. This is only based on my personal experience, and isn't the say all end all......(can you tell I've been around here a while?)......
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I know it sounds like things can be fixed, believe me, I've tried for much longer to work on my M to my H, actually have been trying for the past couple yrs.
Did you marry him under your own stipulations, or were you joined in Holy Matrimony? There's a difference. You're under contract, with God, to stick with him until death if you joined in Holy Matrimony. Besides.....where's the honor in bailing out of a marriage unless it's anything other than infidelity, or abuse?
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Things have gone on for so long with no progress regarding intimacy, money, getting out of an apt. into a house, having friends, etc. etc.
Without knowing what all you've tried to break this circle, it sounds as if there's a communication problem happening here. It's either that, or laziness.....sorry for being so blunt.
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I am not trying to soak H for everything and drop him. I will leave when I can support myself, I would like to try being separated for awhile.
This leads me to believe that you are feeling some guilt......are you guilty? I'm all for trial seperations, as long as the goal is to wake your spouse up to blind neglection.
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I have had to do without so much for so long, it is really getting to me. I had to use student loan money to get clothes, and because does not by any decent clothes for himself, I spent loan money on him for clothes.
This is where I'll bring up your future goals that you've set for yourself. You're getting ready to have your own income. This is your opportunity to be a role model to your husband on how to handle money. There's alot more honor in setting a great example, rather than leaving with a bad taste in his mouth......
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H does not take care of himself. I am very patient, but at what point do I give my happiness consideration? As far as intimacy goes, I have been putting in all of the effort, and it is no different.
Intimacy is crucial. Probably the most important ingredient in a happy, stable marriage/relationship. I'm surprised I don't get banned for this, and I should get paid commision for recommending this book sooooooo many times.......BUT, GET, "The Five Love Languages", do a google on it. Your Love Tank is Empty......and sounds like it has been. So much so that your husband is wayyyyy overdrawn. If you get this book, and follow it....you will find out for sure if it's worth sticking around, or if it's time to jet out.
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It is difficult not having a car for over 10 yrs. H has his pick up for his work, and is getting a new SUV in a couple mos. WE live where I can take advantage of a metro system so public transit is good, but not having a car has its problems.
Well.....I have a problem with this. Maybe after the communication starts kicking in, he'll realize what he's doing wrong here......personally, Mrs. Moose drives the latest, more reliable transportation because it's obvious to her husband...(that would be me), that she and the children that she shuffles around are the most precious cargo I have in my life! And for the record......the cars I drive are not safe by any stretch of the imagination......obviously.
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I do not go out and spend my H paycheck on clothes & makeup.
Mrs. Moose's Love Language is gifts. Again, I'm reverting back to what I said about that book. Get this, apply it, watch your husband respond to it. Or, it could also be that I'm feeling a sense of guilt from you.
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I do not run up charge cards. I used to have AAA credit, but H used MY credit to pay off Biz. & personal debts many yrs. ago, & my credit was murdered. I have to start all over again establishing it.
Again, your opportunity to live be example with your own source of income......BUT......for goodness sakes, take all measures to keep him from tarnishing it again!
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H is not a bad man, but has not been putting the amount of effort into our M that I think he should. H has procrastinated for yrs.
You two are suppossed to be one now......you can't transfer blame anymore. That something most married couples can't understand. Yes, it takes loads of effort........
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I have always been aware that a relationship takes lots of work, & both partners have to work together, but it just is not so.
This is probably true.....from where you sit. Again, "The Five Love Languages", will most likely reveal where your husband sees things. He could very well believe that he's doing everything in his power to ensure your happiness, (in his mind), only you can re-establish the communication to shed some light on this.
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I am not trying to find an excuse to have an affair- I would not have one. I don't need the trouble.
THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.....unfortunatley....they do occur even though your full intention was prevention. (We are all human, and we make HUGE mistakes). I'm not excusing anyone, and I haven't stepped there.....but damn if I wasn't tempted to!
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I have enough self respect that I want to be loved without distraction.
I'm a full believer that EVERYONE is entitled to that. No matter what level of self respect one has. We all deserve that, and CAN have that......but that's another thread entirely.
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I do not want to sit around the house and pop bon-bons in my mouth. I want to work, but it would be nice to have some one fuss over me once and a while and spoil me.
Trust me.......I know where you're coming from, ( I almost called you sister! ), but I'm already spoiled. I prefer to call myself blessed though. Again, this goes back to your love language. It's going to take some discovery, or re-discovery like WWIU was trying to point out to figure out why you're starving for this.
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My H is always reinforcing the negative- always finding excuses & obstacle for why we can't do something, or buy something, or go somewhere, etc.
Could be depression, or a rut. Time to pour some fuel on the smoldering coals.......this can be done, I promise.
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Life sucks right now.
This too, shall pass.
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Thanks for the shoulder,
ANYTIME! This is my mission field
__________________
"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
Originally posted by RecordProducer
Since you wrote an email to your H's boss, now he will use you for sex whenever you're in the mood for it. Cuz that's what married men do: lie, cheat, and play with women. Read some of the threads in the other woman/other man forum just to see what MM do.
What's the matter with you, folks?! Didn't you figure that I was talking about MM who cheat?
It's completely in the context. I even refered to the Other man/other woman forum. Next time I'll draw pics.
I do hope that he comes around and makes more effort. Don't give up and I hate to say this...I don't mean to sound sexist or anything but (some) men aren't great at communicating, opening up and saying what they feel. Look for the little things he does for you. Even the smallest thing he does - TO HIM he may think that's showing how much he loves you. My husband is very affectionate most of the time, though when we go through our dry spells or when he's stressed out from work etc., he doesn't put in that effort. I look for the smaller things...He'll do the dishes after I make dinner. He'll do some laundry or fix something that needs to be fixed. Those count ya know.
I'm sure it's very frustrating to be the one putting in all the effort. It's a rut and a bad one too. Something needs to be shaken up. Suggestion - Why not come right out and tell your husband (don't say who) that another man has been flirting with you and you're tempted...You're not going to cheat but he better get his act together and WORK on the marriage, appreciate you, communicate and fix the distance between you two. See - SO many BS say that they only wish that they had a chance to fix the problems BEFORE an affair started. So right now you have this opportunity. Let him know HOW close you are and how desired you're feeling by somebody else... Yet you really don't want that 'somebody' else - You only want your Husband back. Anyway, up to you - Just an idea to think about. I think it could work though.
What you have is a failure to communicate why don't you try discussing with your husband what your needs are. I am not talking about the hinting around crap. What are you afraid of, it is something. You let your relationship get to this point and you should feel guilty. I mean e-mailing your husbands boss, think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd May 2005 at 2:50 PM..
Reason: removed inappropriate comments
You have not been in my shoes. If my husband was interested in somone else at this point, I would be happy for him if it was going to make him truly happy.
As for me letting my marriage get to this point, It is NOT my fault- I have directly spoken to H many times over many years about various problems, and nothing has worked. I don't hint around, that is too high school.
I have to think of my self eventually- If things do not work out between us, I cannot sacrifice my own happiness to stay in a relationship that is not growing and H is not pro-active in. This is something that did not happen over night as far as our relationship is concerned. The problems have been there for many years, and I haven't given up YET. I'd be interested to know why you are looking around this forum in the first place. Play nice.
I have never fooled around, and don't intend to. I would not initiate a relationship that would go further than an e-mail unless I was single again.
And last but not least, have you ever heard of the Golden Rule?
Regarding your decision to divorce: I disagree that marriage is a holy until-death-do-you-part agreement. Anyway, why should you be the one responsible for making everything better? It sounds like you'll be better off without him. As for the married man, I don't think I'd pursue that. Why is it your husband's boss? Do you think you're trying to get back at your husband? Also, I've found that it's easier to leave someone when you can focus on someone else. Just keep the married guy as a fantasy.
I agree with you that marriage is not necessarily until death do you part- when the difficulties cannot be resolved through time, patience, communication and lots of work, both partners are left in a miserable situation.
Where H's boss is concerned, I would not try to'get back' at my H for any reason- I just found myself attracted to him. Nothing else has happened.
In the fullness of time, everything will work it self out as it should. In the meantime, I am going to continue to try working on my M with my H, but I know I will not martyr myself and continue unless we both can find our way together wholeheartedly to heal the problems.
Originally posted by Moose
I hope you're not generalizing all of us here recordproducer.......Anyway, to the OP: Has your husband ever cheated on you? Have you ever cheated on him? Is he physically or emotional abusive to you or your children, (if you have any)......if the answer is no to all of these, you have no grounds for divorce in my opinion. Get off this trip that his boss is going to jeapordize his marriage for a piece of tail. It's just not going to happen.
Fix what's wrong in you marriage and get on with your life, WITH your husband.
Agreed.
What she's doing here is possibly ruining two marriages, not just one. I don't understand why she doesn't work on what's wrong with her current marriage.
The grass always looks greener on the other side until you're there. Then you find out it has the same brown patches your other pasture had.
Find out what's wrong with your current marriage. Strive to fix the underlying issues. If they can not be resolved through counseling and working together, then do what you must. But in the meantime, fantasizing about a married man will only hurt any chance you have of reconciling your marriage.
So in order:
1) Work on your current marriage.
2) Try and resolve the underlying issues.
3) Seek counseling.
4) Leave the married man alone.
Again, read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH as you're a perfect candidate for the lessons taught in that book about how to fix a bad marriage.
If you split from your husband, he'll be heartbroken. That's a bitch, but it's not necessarily something for you to feel bad about -- we can't help our feelings. Sometimes marriages end.
BUT... to then add insult to injury by starting to f*ck his boss? Your husband will lose his marriage and then, probably his job. How could he stay working for somebody that he knows is porking the wife that just left him?
At least have that much respect for him. Some people are just off limits. Period.
__________________
See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colours came out.
-- U2
I've never read anything more tacky in my whole life. What kind of woman would be propositioning her husband's boss like that? How classless....to email Mr Boss Man and letting him know you're interested. Don't you have any self respect? Whether you're happy in your marriage or not, you don't go trying to get something going with your husband's boss......add to that he's married. Do you live in a trailer up on blocks?
Originally posted by turningleaf
I am not a floozy or slut, I consider myself a class act, well educated, and working on a degree at a highly prestigious place.
Intellectually, my brain is right there with all of you when it comes to geting involved w/MM.
Heartwise, it is not so clear.
A true "class act" wouldn't go chasing her husband's married boss like you've done. It doesn't matter one bit how educated you are in terms of formal education, real "smarts" in life come from acting like you have some self respect. There you were, going behind your husband's back, emailing a married man...........that does not show class, i don't care how bad you say your marriage is. If it's that bad, GET OUT OF IT - then pursue someone.........
What would you have done had your husband's boss showed your husband the email? Or did you even think about that?
Classy women don't go chasing someone's husband.............let alone the boss of their current husband.
Get your divorce, then go off to find a man who's UNATTACHED. Don't you have any respect for your fellow woman? For this man's wife? Sorry but you just don't have any class for if you did, you wouldn't be acting this way.
Originally posted by swirlingdaisy
I've never read anything more tacky in my whole life. What kind of woman would be propositioning her husband's boss like that?
Someone who has given up on her marriage and is focusing on her own needs instead of focusing on her covenant with God. Instead of focusing on why the marriage is in shambles (Like reading 'Love Must Be Tough') she is more concerned with satisfying her own sexual needs.
What she'll soon learn, should she go through with it, is that she will still feel empty inside and will be completely clueless as to why.
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How classless....to email Mr Boss Man and letting him know you're interested.
Agreed, 100%
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Don't you have any self respect?
Doesn't seem to be the case here. No.
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Whether you're happy in your marriage or not, you don't go trying to get something going with your husband's boss......add to that he's married. Do you live in a trailer up on blocks?
Now that wasn't necessary but I do see your point. She isn't here to be chastised, whether she deserves it or not, she needs some loving guidance to help steer her on the right path.
Turningleaf, my suggestion to you is to read "Love Must Be Tough." If you loved your husband at one time or another and you didn't set solid boundaries and consequences for crossing them, you did not do your part as a wife to help him.
It is YOUR responsibility, in sickness and in health, till death do you part, to be loyal to your husband and be his wife. That means to get to the root of the problem and find out what is going on. Seek guidance from the book, from counseling and from God.
I have never fooled around, and don't intend to. I would not initiate a relationship that would go further than an e-mail unless I was single again.
And last but not least, have you ever heard of the Golden Rule?
This stuff above that you wrote doesn't make a lick of sense. If you don't plan to "fool around", then what the hell were you doing emailing your husband's boss and clearly trying to start something with him?
So if you wouldn't initiate a relationship that couldn't/wouldn't go further than an email - UNTIL you were single again, WHY did you email his boss? Again, you're a walking contradiction.
And lastly...as for the ol' Golden Rule......I would imagine not trying to get something on with your HUSBAND'S MARRIED BOSS would be upholding the Golden Rule..............I think you need to read up on the Golden Rule because your actions have not demonstrated even a remote understanding of it......I'm sure Boss man's wife would agree, if she knew what game you were up to, nevermind your poor husband.
Why blame your husband for everything? Nobody's put a gun to your head and forced you to remain with someone who apparently is such a lousy husband - that's been YOUR choice to remain.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Amen to That!
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