[Ladyjane14]

<========Not man-bashing. Just trying to get my "universal translator" tuned.

[MySugaree]

I mean, let's face it... which is more fun? Talking to your spouse about what's missing from your marriage/relationship and trying to fix it, or riding some random girl / guy who's new and different?

Great point, reservoirdog1. Often, hot affair sex with a "new" woman is infinitely preferable to the agony of "working" on a marriage with an "old" wife.

An affair, depending on how well it's done, can be a vacation from one's marriage and the drudgery of everyday life. The hot sex, sizzling fantasies and outlaw nature of an affair make an ordinary marriage appear, well, ordinary. Many marriages don't stand a chance. In a good affair, the Pleasure Principle triumphs over the Reality Principle--at least temporarily.

Men may get bashed more because people assume men cheat for carnal reasons. Women, on the other hand, are perceived as yearning for that emotional connection, which is missing at home. Sexual hunger is bad; emotional hunger is good.

These gender stereotypes might contain some limited truth.

I find that the degree of bashing depends, not so much on gender, but on the degree of public contrition. Those apologetic cheaters who adopt a public mea culpa are spared the rod. On the other hand, defiant, unapologetic cheaters who proclaim the sheer pleasures of their affairs are pilloried.

Contrition matters. I suspect that guys are less contrite or less able to articulate contrition.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Monday
Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.
Whenever a WOMAN cheats and tells us about it, it's because her husband "neglected" her, or ignored her, or abused her....

I don't understand why it's insensitive if a man cheats on his wife because she is not sexually interested in him.
A woman whose husband doesn't sleep with her would be called "neglected" or "ignored" (emotionally, of course). She doesn't feel attractive, loved, etc.
But a man in the same situation is an insensitive dog whose dick jumps for a local hottie?
Now why is that so?

[MySugaree]

I suspect there are pyramided assumptions at work: First, emotional needs are more legitimate (nicer, even) than base sexual needs. Second, women hunger for emotional connection while men just want to get laid. Third, people assume that the normal, average married woman would never cheat just for sex and risk her marriage. For a married woman to cheat, she must be emotionally neglected, or worse abused, by her mate. As for men, it's only a question of opportunity.

In fact, from the male perspective, fidelity is merely the lack of opportunity to cheat.

With these gender assumptions, men, who are driven by their cocks, are marked as willfully unfaithful. Women, creatures of feeling and connection, are forced through emotional neglect to stray.

Gender stereotyping, baby!

[moimeme]

Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.

I certainly don't.

Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason

Completely untrue. It's the same reason as women do. Men need attention and appreciation too. I have seen a bunch of documentaries about sex trade workers; they almost always say that most of the men who go to see them want to talk. They want acceptance.

However, it seems that most women (and many men) think that all men are inhuman beasts with no feelings. And I hate that. I hate the contempt I so often hear from women on the porn and other threads towards the people they claim to love.

we bash men because men are supposed to be more in control of their feelings

Hah. We all resort to our lower brains when feelings are involved.

Generally speaking, it's a selfish act that temporarily relieves the cheater, at least in their own mind, of the need to address the problem in a constructive way

Totally agree. It's the coward's way out.

And while I do agree with the idea that the man is truly suffering emotionally....how's his wife supposed to know it when the only emotion he shows is anger. He's not saying how he feels, he's just throwing out angry comments

This not men being 'in control of their emotions'. This is men pretending to have no emotions because they're not allowed to. If you accept him, you accept all of him, including that he may not always be Mr. Strong As Steel. And who needs that anyway? Bottom line is if someone feels what he has to say will be rejected, or cause him to be rejected, he won't say it. So acceptance is an important part of love.

while men just want to get laid

Not all of them. Some are actually human.

In fact, from the male perspective, fidelity is merely the lack of opportunity to cheat.

Speaking for all men again, huh? Problem is that plenty of men post here and a whole bunch call that pov hooey. Which it is.

[Cecelius]

On the wife-weight issue, the reason the man doesn't say anything (if he is smart) is that it is the third rail of marriage: for most women, telling them you find them less attractive than you once did will get you nothing but anger and reproach.

And my comment on how men are supposed to be more in control of themselves actually was intended to show how male cheating is MORE culpable: people cut the emotionally abandoned woman more slack than the dude because stereotypically a woman is permitted to be more emotionally needy. A dude should always try to be in control; he may fail occasionally and suffer emotionally but any real man WANTS to be in control of himself. Its part of being a man.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Cecelius
On the wife-weight issue, the reason the man doesn't say anything (if he is smart) is that it is the third rail of marriage: for most women, telling them you find them less attractive than you once did will get you nothing but anger and reproach.

Yeah, but what does a man stand to lose if he's willing to go outside the marriage anyhow? It's not going to p*ss her off any more to go ahead and speak up, than it will for her to catch him in a sexually-motivated affair.

The key to success might be in how tactfully he tells her, and how much supporting evidence he's willing to present.

I can't imagine that it would be easy for a man to tell his wife that she's too fat. But it can't be easy to tell her he's leaving her either.

I think the reason that men get bashed more than women is not so much that they're more at fault, but rather that they don't express their emotions both before and after the affair in terms that women can identify with.

They sometimes fail to make their case on the correlation between sexual function and male emotional health.

Generally speaking, women just don't get it. I try really hard, but I don't get it either. I'm just making a leap of faith that it is so.

It would be really interesting to be a man for just one day....just to see what it's really like.

[DazednConfused]

I was gonna.....

But hell. It's just not worth it.

[MySugaree]

Good points, guys. Very few men will attempt to rationalize an affair by claiming that their wife failed to meet their "emotional" needs. We explain our affairs using a more matter-of-fact, masculine vocabulary: "I was drunk." "The woman came on to me." "She was hot and it felt so good." "I had a weak moment." "It was only sex." "My wife stopped putting out."

Most guys would rather be viewed as unapologetic cheaters than weenie-wussies.

I suspect male cheaters are bashed more because they're much less adept, than their female counterparts, of packaging their affairs--of giving their affair an emotional gloss.

At bottom, men are more honest about their infidelity. We don't sugar coat.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by MySugaree

Most guys would rather be viewed as unapologetic cheaters than weenie-wussies.

werd.

[FolderWife]

I see...

I can't say for sure why men get bashed more here, but I have a couple theories.

1. Perspective - It seems like most of the people posting here are women who speak the same language and can more readily empathize with the needs and frustrations experienced by other women. This doesn't happen just with cheating it seems to happen in many threads where the men aren't expressing themselves in a way that is easily understood by all of the women.

2. It's more socially acceptable to bash men than it is for men to bash women. Men are supposed to be tougher and more able to take the abuse.

[QUOTE=onlyhuman]Lot of good old fashioned stereotyping going on from people I woudn't have expected it from.

I agree bash them both even more so if the person or persons are Married,I recently found out my bestfriend is cheating on her husband and our friendship is now nothing because I have morals and I believe I married my husband I sleep with my husband and if problems start WE work on it .She says I just don't understand and so now she hangs out with cheaters who understand her so carry on all cheaters you will get cought.I think that everyone who is or has cheated is going to get theirs 10 fold.

[michelangelo]

I think that women outright lust after some guy just as much as men lust after women.

However, I also think that women dress that basic urge up in all this emotional clap-trap so they won't feel like a $lut.

And they worry about that feeling because they've been socialized to not want to be perceived as one.

So because they can turn on the crocadile tears, somehow that makes their form of cheating far "better" than a man's way of cheating?

Folks, last time I heard, a woman having sex with a man is still as carnal as a man having sex with a woman.

Did I miss something? If a man got all teary would that help in the man-bashing department?

God Give us all the ability to know right from wrong. and if yougo as far as falling in love or even commitmentto someone you are dating. it is wrong why even go there. people cheat because they to lazy to move or need the incomeor just plain selfish.